"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why."
― Kurt Vonnegut

-ooo-

He's never been totally completely 100% sure what it is about Deku that pisses him off so badly or even when it started.

It's just… everything about him.

Every little fucking thing he does and says and every time he looks at him with that stupid smile on his stupid face has always been like nails scraping down a chalkboard in the back of his brain.

He's always been… he's just always been so fucking irritating.

And when he thinks about it, which he tries not to do ever, but it's hard to do much of anything else while he's tied up waiting for those dumb fucking bastards to just get it together and get to the fucking point already. He doesn't want to think about them or any of the crap they've been talking about for the hours and hours since they snatched him. They almost never leave him alone and they never ever seem to shut the fuck up. So, he's trying not to think about them while he strains against his bonds, but not thinking about them just leads to thinking about other things and thinking about other things always, always leads him back to thoughts of Deku.

Stupid, freaking Deku and his stupid freaking face which he can picture clear as day, as if all he had to do was look to his left and there he'd be- big as life and twice as annoying- just standing there ready to leap into action and break the restraints for him.

"Kacchan!"

Deku and that stupid fucking look he'd given him as he'd told him to stay back. Like he didn't fucking understand. Like he was betraying him somehow by not just letting him toss his stupid, broken fucking body into the void after him.

Because how dare he not want to be saved by Deku, the Broken Arm Kid.

Moron.

They were after him which meant they needed him for, well, who the fuck knew what, but whatever they needed him for- and he had serious doubts that he was going to find that out as they didn't seem in any particular hurry to ever, ever, ever, ever get to the fucking point- they sure as hell wouldn't have needed Deku so they'd probably have just killed him. They didn't know shit about Deku and, even if they had known, it might have just made them kill him that much faster.

He was gonna have a tough enough time saving himself, after all, without having to worry about trying to save that deadweight nerd at the same time.

And maybe it would have been different if Deku didn't look like he'd run himself through a meat grinder. If he hadn't fucking broken himself into pieces again, but he had. He wouldn't be of any use to anyone. He should have been back at camp with the instructors or whatever, not running around the damn forest trying to save him.

Like he needed that idiot to save him.

And maybe, maybe, maybe it feels a little- just a little bit- good to have someone around who was willing to go that far for him… but it still pissed him off. He didn't need it. He didn't need him. He didn't need anyone. He was fucking annoying and he pissed him off and even if he didn't hate Deku, he definitely didn't fucking like him either.

He never had.

No, okay, so maybe that wasn't completely true.

Maybe he'd liked him a little bit like a really, really, really long time ago and maybe- just maybe- that was a tiny, little part of why he didn't like him now and why he pissed him off so much.

Maybe.

Just… maybe.

And it was fucking stupid.

It'd been fucking stupid since they were four years old and they'd found out Deku was, absolutely and for sure, completely fucking Quirkless.

Maybe it was stupid to be pissed at someone for over ten years because of a broken promise, especially since it hadn't really been a promise at all, just some stupid idea that stupid idiot put in his head, but he was. He'd been pissed off about it for so damn long that sometimes he forgot all about it and then he'd remember again and it would just make everything worse. It would just make him want to blow something up or stomp Deku's face in or something, anything.

And it all started with that stupid fucking terrible doodle.

"Hey Kacchan! Here, I made this for you. See! Look!" He'd thrust the paper into his hands so damn proudly like it meant something and so he'd reluctantly taken the stupid thing and squinted down at it to try and make sense out of it.

"What the crap is this supposed to be?"

He remembered staring at it for a really long time, trying to make something out of the squiggly lines and blocks of colors. At four, Deku hadn't been as good or neat about drawing things as he was now. It had taken him what had seemed like forever to realize that the blob of yellow in the center of the picture was supposed to be his hair. That the other thing in the picture- the thing that kind of looked like a demented mutant rat thing- was probably supposed to be Izuku in the weird rabbit looking costume he'd always drawn for himself and that they maybe weren't actually just standing on top of the little stick people that were caught under an avalanche of fucking colored blocks or whatever they were.

It took a couple minutes, but eventually he'd thought he got what it was supposed to be.

"You want us to be partners?" He'd said slowly, as he looked back up at him.

The words had tasted weird in his mouth. Like the bitter licorice candy his Pops used to bring home... back when he'd still bothered to come home at all.

Deku flushed red to the roots of his stupid fluffy hair, his fingers tangling together like they always did when he was nervous. His words almost vanishing completely as he mumbled them at the ground, "No, I… u-um… we could just… maybe save people together, maybe, sometimes."

And he was about to tell him 'that's what partners do, stupid', but then Deku had looked up at him and it was that look. That stupid way he had always had of looking at him that made him feel like he could do anything and be anyone.

He hated that look.

He already knew all that. He didn't need stupid Izuku looking at him like that in order to know that.

He knew he was gonna be great, because of course he was. He was gonna be the very best and greatest hero ever.

He knew that.

He didn't need anyone else to tell him that.

And he remembered his own face and how it had seemed so fucking hot that for a second he thought his Quirk had gone out of control and his head was gonna explode or something. It hadn't, obviously, but it had seemed like it might.

So he'd done the only thing that made any sense and he'd punched Deku right in his stupid smiling face.

He'd punched him and he'd ripped the stupid drawing to pieces and run away, face still flushed red hot with embarrassment, those ragged pieces of paper crushed in his clenched fists.

And if he'd maybe felt a little bad about it later and taped that stupid shitty picture back together no one had to know. And if he'd tucked it away in that stupid hero box he'd kept under his bed when he was a kid… well, that was his business and no one ever needed to know that either.

Especially not fucking Deku, who would probably have taken it as some sort of bullshit validation of who the fuck knew what and then he'd have had to kill himself or Deku on general fucking principle.

And so what if maybe sometimes when he'd been alone in his room at night, listening to Mom fight with her new boyfriend, he'd thought about it a little.

Just sometimes.

Not all the time or even all that often really.

Just sometimes.

And then…

"What the crap are you making that face for?" He'd asked, blowing his cheeks out in frustration.

It hadn't ever been any fun to pick on Deku when he already looked like someone had kicked him in the stomach or something. It always pissed him off when other people bullied his favorite targets. It had never been any fun at all to pick on Deku when his eyes were all wide and red and puffy like they'd been that day.

Deku had just laughed a little, that weird little self-deprecating bullshit laugh that always set his fucking nerves on edge every time he heard it.

The one he'd never heard at all before that day.

It had been the worst it ever would be that day- that freaking awful sound- like the grind of the garbage disposal. He remembered Deku's knuckles being white where they gripped the notebook he held across his knees.

"Mom took me to see the doctor about my Quirk."

And for some reason he'd never been able to put a name to, it had felt like the world had dropped out from under his feet.

He'd always expected that Deku's Quirk wouldn't be anything special- that he wouldn't be anything special- but he'd never thought for a second before that day that he wouldn't be something.

That they wouldn't….

He'd gone home and turned that stupid paper to ash.

And maybe he'd cried about it a little, but so what if he had? That was no one else's fucking business either.

Nothing had ever been the same after that.

He'd gone ahead and he hadn't looked back except to correct Deku's stupid bullshit expectations, to remind him that he was nothing. That all his stupid dreams were just bullshit and he'd never be a hero, never be the person he was supposed to be.

They weren't friends, they weren't partners, they weren't anything and they never would be. Where he was going was somewhere Deku could never follow and he didn't want him to either.

And then Deku… Deku had made it anyway.

Was going to become a hero anyway, in spite of everything.

And now… it still wasn't… he didn't want to be his fucking partner. He just wanted to beat him. To make him admit that he was better- the absolute best- and he'd make sure everyone else knew that too.

Fucking All Might.

It hadn't taken a freaking rocket scientist to work that shit out. Not once Deku had told him what he'd told him. Not after seeing All Might and Deku in action up close and personal again and again. And it was fucking cheating bullshit, but… but fuck him if he wasn't glad.

He'd get to beat All Might and Deku all at once and that was fine, that was fucking perfect, that was just how he wanted it.

It was gonna be great.

And then, of course, these assholes had had to come and ruin everything with their bullshit beliefs, thinking he was anything like them. Going on and on and on about opposition or oppression or whatever the fuck they were on about, like he might actually give a damn about that kind of crap.

"Kacchan!"

Stupid bastard.

Like he needed fucking saving.

He could save himself just fine and, even if he couldn't, the last person he wanted fucking saving him was Deku.

Never mind that he hadn't looked like he could save the fucking eraser on a pencil the last time he'd seen him what with the way he'd been clinging to that other idiot's back like a tiny freckled barnacle.

Never mind that he had looked like something his cat sicked up and he'd probably broken every bone in his stupid arm again.

Never mind any of that bullshit.

He didn't care about that.

He just wanted to beat him. Beat him fair and fucking square in front of the whole world because otherwise no one would ever understand that he was better.

So Deku had to live.

Had to be safe.

It wasn't a fucking favor- it wasn't that he cared or anything- it was just self-interest. If you were gonna be the best you had to train against the best and maybe… maybe that damn nerd could be that person for him.

So screw him and his bullshit concern and screw all these shitty villain douche canoes and their blah-blah-daddy-didn't-love-me-fuck-the-system agendas.

He was gonna make it through this and fuck them all up on the way out. And then, when he got back to the school, he was gonna beat the tar out of Deku for treating him like he was… for even daring to look at him like that.

Yeah, no, okay, that was what pissed him off the most.

That right there.

That no matter what he fucking did- no matter what he said, no matter what- Deku had always fucking looked at him like that.

Like he was something precious... something completely irreplaceable.

That even as fucked up as he'd been when he'd last seen him, Deku was still probably already out there trying to find him.

There was this sinking feeling in his gut, because he knew- he just fucking knew- Deku would never stop coming for him.

That stupid nerd would never stop.

Even if this all went to hell in a hand basket- even if he couldn't escape, even if they just killed him and bricked him up in basement somewhere for years and years, even if there was no fucking hope at all of finding him- Deku would never stop fighting for him.

Like he was the most important thing in the world.

Like they were something they'd never fucking been.

That he'd never even wanted them to be.

Except maybe that one time when he was four and that didn't even a little bit fucking count.

So, fuck him.

Fuck him.

Deku had better just be looking after himself and not acting like a total moron if he knew what was good for him.

He was going to be the greatest hero in the world and that wouldn't mean shit if he couldn't beat Deku to do it.

Katsuki grinned as the creepy bastard with the hand on his face came closer, as his restraints were finally removed.

Why the hell was he even thinking about all this crap?

He'd just save himself before that fucking dork had a chance to even think about doing something stupid.

Bakugou Katsuki was going to be the greatest hero that ever was.

Everyone was going to know his name.

He couldn't afford to fail here.