Fear of Rejection

Chapter 16

The quiet of late evening had settled throughout the Castle loft like a warm blanket. After a peaceful family dinner, which was only interrupted by the protracted crying jag of an overtired baby on a couple of occasions, Kate had retreated to the serenity of Castle's bedroom to feed James and settle him down for the night. With the baby asleep she showered and dressed for bed, grateful for the help and the rest that being back in the city with her partner was affording her. Being a new mom felt a million times more pleasurable than it had just a few days ago, back when she was coping by herself, baring the weight of every decision - big and small - on her shoulders.

Half an hour later, Kate glanced up to see Castle padding barefoot across the bedroom floor, a bottle of water in each hand. He was dressed in a gray t-shirt and navy boxer shorts. His hair, still damp from the shower, shone carbon black in the lamplight. Outside the windows, the sky retreated from the day to hide beneath a star cloth curtain of deepest indigo. Kate missed the cabin in the woods at moments like this, where those stars could be seen with the naked eye for miles. With their twinkly perfection suspended high above the lake, she felt she could reach up and touch them, run her fingers through their glittering expanse like she could through the sparkling water below. But the cabin could wait. Right now, this was where she needed to be and it was also where she wanted to be, more importantly.

"You look tired," she remarked quietly, though not unkindly, as Castle approached her side of the bed. His shoulders were slightly rounded, but the darkness beneath his eyes and the solemn set to his mouth were what really gave his mood away. He was more than tired, but there was no good way to put that into words that didn't come off sounding critical. So tired it was.

Kate was sitting propped up against the headboard with a book open in her lap while James lay in the middle of the mattress sleeping soundly.

Castle handed her a bottle of water and set his own bottle down on the nightstand, before gingerly climbing up into bed. The mattress was so firm that there was barely a tremor from his added weight. Castle hovered over his sleeping son, watching him intently, such a wistful look on his face. He stroked the soft velour toe of the baby's white footie pajamas and then he eased himself backward to settle in beside Kate.

She set her book aside to give him her full attention. "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked. She toyed with the sheet covering her lap, nerves licking at her scalp. "You look troubled. I thought your chat with Alexis went well. She seemed to accept James this afternoon. Happy even."

Castle nodded, mulling things over in his mind. His talk with Alexis had been a difficult one, but they had reached a truce and he felt pretty confident that she wouldn't be keeping things from him for the foreseeable future. At least until her secrets were her own to keep - about boys, parties, drinking and the like.

"In fact, I'd go so far as to say she was excited to have a little brother," Kate added, which was the truth. She'd watched the redhead melt this afternoon when she'd placed the baby in Alexis' open arms.

Castle nodded again and released a heavy sigh. "Yeah, she is. Really excited. I think she'll be a big help to both of you."

The words came out right, but he still sounded so tense and down.

Kate jostled his shoulder. "So what's the problem? Talk to me. You're not still mad about that wine glass your mother broke?"

He frowned but shook his head. "No. No, I'm just finding it hard to get my head around everything I missed out on with this one." He looked at his sleeping son with total adoration. But his expression was tinged with sadness.

Kate's heart ached for him. She couldn't change the past. They could only look to the future. "He's three weeks old, Rick," she gently pointed out. "He won't ever remember you not being there for him." Though true, this fact offered scant comfort or consolation. Kate understood that, but it was all she had to offer him right now.

"But I'll remember," he insisted, jabbing at his own chest. "I'll remember how I changed my routine to avoid any chance of running into you. I'll remember how a charity appeal from Doctors Without Borders made me want to punch a wall. I'll remember how I used to lie awake at night wondering if you were safe, whether you had a new partner, what cases you were working…if you even missed me at all." He was out of breath by the time his quiet fury at his own decisions burned itself out.

Kate reached across the few inches that separated them and she slid her arm around Castle's shoulders, tugging just a little to get him to come to her. When he refused to budge, she tugged harder, finally succeeding in getting him to curl into her side. He settled a little further down the bed, resting his head on her chest. Their legs fanned out like a vee with the baby lying blissful between them.

"I missed you like crazy, Castle. Every. Single. Day," Kate stressed.

"Yeah?" He sounded doubtful, but at least he was listening.

"Yes," she insisted. "So when you think back on that time, I want you to remember it like that. Not some wild plot from your over-active imagination. Remember that I was alone and scared when I found out I was pregnant…but also know how powerful I felt, knowing that I was carrying your child inside of me. Even when we weren't together, I still had a part of you with me, Castle. That gave me hope that one day we'd be back in each other's lives in some form or other."

Castle squeezed her hand in gratitude and they fell into a contemplative silence for a few moments.

Eventually, Kate cleared her throat. "When I felt our baby move for the first time, I wanted to pick up the phone and call you," she confessed.

"What stopped you?" He held his breath for her answer.

She half-shrugged. "Mostly a fear of rejection, I guess. Remember I thought you'd seen the first sonogram and decided you wanted nothing to do with us."

Castle pressed his lips to her temple and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. "Oh, Kate," he lamented, drawing a deep breath and letting it out slowly. The warm air ruffled her hair. "We made such a mess of things."

"Yeah, well, we had help, turns out."

"I still can't get over that. Alexis says she's sorry. My mother…" he shook his head. "I'm not sure what's going on with her."

"She's just being protective of you," Kate explained, trying to shut that booby-trapped door all too quickly.

But Castle frowned. "Did she say anything today...after I went out?"

Kate bit her lip, hedging before answering. While she didn't want to lie, she wasn't sure his relationship with his mother could stand another hard knock right now. "Not much. We made our peace, I think. Came to an understanding."

Before he could probe for any further detail about his mother's behavior, Kate steered them onto a safer, happier, more positive track. "You know, there is something we can do that might make you feel better."

Castle's head popped up from her chest and he grinned wickedly. Kate laughed at the naughty look on his face. "Not that. Not yet."

Castle made a sad face, which made Kate laugh even harder. "Shh," she grinned, pointing at the sleeping baby. "This is better. I promise."

"What could possibly be better than that?"

"I want us to change the birth certificate," she announced.

There was silence after she said this and she wondered if maybe he hadn't heard her. So she ventured a little further to explain. "I had to file the original without an Acknowledgement of Paternity. The deadline is five day after filing. It was too soon to work up the nerve to try and contact you again. But we can submit one now and get James' birth certificate altered to show your name as his father. How would you feel about that?"

He kissed her soundly, pouring all of his gratitude into this answering kiss. Kate smiled against his mouth when they broke apart, feeling a crazy, reckless kind of love for him that made no sense beyond them finally being together in all the ways that mattered to them both. "You know I have something else you might like too," she whispered in his ear.

"Go on," he purred, stealing another kiss from her just because he could.

"I have a photo," she murmured, running her finger along his jawline as she watched his face for a reaction.

Castle's voice sounded warm and sexy in her ear. "What kind of photo?" She could feel his heart thudding a little faster.

"A nude," she told him boldly. "Well, an almost nude," she clarified.

"A nude?" He almost choked and she had to shush him again. "You have a nude photo? Kate Beckett. Since when?"

Kate smiled, she looked a little bashful but also like that cat that got the cream. "Mm-hmm. It's from when I was pregnant. Lanie took it. I was taking a nap in my apartment. The light in the bedroom that morning was...so beautiful," she told him, sounding wistful in her remembrance.

They kissed again, slow and lazy this time, melting into one another with each stroke of the tongue and the scorch of wandering hands, only pulling back when things started to get a little too heated.

"Tell me more about this photo," Castle whispered against her cheek. He laid his hand flat on her belly and she drew a startled breath. Remembering she could trust him, knowing how beautifully he touched her, even with the recent changes to her body, she relaxed.

"I'm lying on my bed. It's a black and white. Kind of arty. I thought I looked...big. But Lanie told me I was beautiful. She can be...persuasive when she wants to be," Kate laughed. "So I let her take it. She thought maybe you might want to see...someday. So..." she finished with a half-shrug.

Kate seemed a little shy about the whole thing, but Castle seemed almost reverent.

"Lanie said that?"

"She never gave up on us, Castle. She was my biggest support through everything. Some nights she stayed over. She did that a lot near the end. I had— Well, let's just say some days were harder than others. She was there whenever I needed her. I owe her a lot, Rick. I put her through a lot."

Castle sighed again, a sound so mournful it hurt. "I would have been there if she would have called me, Kate." He rubbed her back and then nuzzled his face into her neck, needing to feel close to her. His skin felt warm against hers. He smelled of a clean, sharp mix of lemons and peppercorns.

"I know," Kate nodded, carding her fingers through his hair. "I know that now. But I told her not to. I told them all the same thing. I made them swear, Castle. I'm sorry. I messed this up for both of us."

"Shh," he whispered against her temple. "It's not all your fault."

Kate yawned with relief to hear him say that. "Wow. I'm exhausted just talking. I haven't talked this much in a really long time."

Castle smiled softly. "Well, I appreciate it. Filling in the blanks is— It helps me imagine better."

Kate eased up onto one elbow. "Oh, I almost forgot. I have a box at my apartment."

"What kind of box?"

"A baby box. A box of things I kept for you. I have his hospital wrist bracelet, a set of inky footprints. A ton of photographs Espo took right after the birth. I look a sweaty mess but I didn't want you to miss out. And I kept the first outfit he wore when we came home from the hospital. So you see, I wanted you to be a part of everything. Even when you weren't around, I was still thinking about you."

"You don't know how much it means to hear you say that," Castle told her. "Thank you. It means a lot."

Kate hadn't thought about this before she said it, but as she did, she realized that it was true. "You'll always be James' father, Castle. No matter what happened in the past. No one can take that away from us."

He hugged her tightly, overwhelmed with gratitude for the effort she had made to include him in his child's life despite the rejection she believed to be the truth.

"You know...I'd love to do this again someday," Castle murmured several minutes later.

"Do what?" Kate asked, lazily watching her baby sleep while Castle played with her fingers.

"Make another baby with you."

Kate laughed a little hysterically.

"Not right away, obviously," he added.

"Obviously. Like in ten years or something."

Castle grinned as he stroked the slight swell of her stomach, still fascinated by this softer, more curvaceous version of Kate. "Maybe sooner than that. And definitely before I get too old to push a stroller, but yeah..."

Kate rolled over to kiss him, boldly pushing her mouth against his. "I'd like that too."

"You would?" He seemed surprised she'd agreed so readily.

"Yes," Kate answered softly, snuggling into his side while he slipped his hand beneath her tank top and stroked the dip of her spine.

"We need a better story next time," he mused.

"A better story?"

"Mm. One where your waters break somewhere utterly inappropriate and I rush you to the hospital in your Charger with the siren and the lights and then you squeeze my hand so hard that you break my little finger."

She nodded through a dopey grin. "Ah, that story. My hero."

"I will take the best care of you, Kate. You and James are my number one priority from now on."

"And no more pirates?"

He grinned into her hair. "Promise. No more pirates."

Kate hummed with pleasure when he sucked on her earlobe and then flicked it with his tongue.

"Speaking of pirates. I meant to ask. What were you and my mother talking about after dinner while I was clearing the kitchen with Alexis? You seemed thick as thieves. Or maybe pirates," he added, waggling his eyebrows as he laughed at his own joke.

Kate thought back to her private conversation with Martha where she'd quietly asked the older woman what she'd done with the second sonogram image Kate had given her the day they met outside the theater in Midtown. Martha told her that she'd thrown it in a garbage can in Times Square and that they should never speak of it again because her son would be sure to throw her out on the street if he ever found out. Just for a moment, before she hid it from view, Martha Rodgers had looked genuinely scared.

Kate swallowed roughly and ran her hand down over Castle's arm, teasing the golden hairs as she went. "We were talking about you, of course." She forced a smile.

Castle turned his cheek, hiding his own smile of satisfaction in the cotton of her tank top. She felt him grin as he snuggled into her. "Me?" he asked, as guileless as a child.

Kate nodded. "Of course," she promised, as she kissed the top of his head and whispered goodnight.

Okay, folks, we've come to the end of the tale as I originally wrote it, so I'm going to mark it complete. There are clearly some scenes that could be added - I've made a list - but I don't want to drag it out without good reason. So I'll give some thought to any additional chapters and write them before I post anymore as I did with all the others in this story.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to review and to share your enthusiasm along the way. This tale was written in its entirety before the whole mess with ABC kicked off. I'm not sure I could have started it now. Anyway, thank you once again for your company. It has been a genuine pleasure and an honor to be a part of this fandom. If Firefly can live on long after just one season, I'm sure Castle will too after so many great years. I hope those loyal fans, who've stuck with the show from beginning to end, receive the finale they deserve on Monday night. Until next time, take care. Liv xx