Title: We're Not In Kansas Anymore

Summary: It probably said something about the celebrity treatment of the Dursley household that when Harry wished to be free of them, his magic dumped him at the doorstep of a family of honest-to-god assassins.

Or: That one drabble where the Zoldyck's aren't abusive dickbags, and we're all better people for it.

Words: 1,712

Disclaimer: Disclaimed.

Notes: I wrote this for wolfiesilvestar but liked it enough to post it as a second chapter. LAST ONE. I SWEAR. THIS STORY IS COMPLETE BUT I WANTED SOME ALLUKA?

—

.

.

.

.

.

Harry James Potter was the orphaned only child of two no-good, unemployed freeloaders. Tolluno Zoldyck is the youngest boy of six children with two loving parents and a grumpy old grandfather. Tolluno also has zero pig-faced cousins to chase him around the neighbourhood, which is a marked improvement.

His favorite sibling so far is Kalluto: older than him by just barely a year, and the one he sees most often. The others are on "jobs" a lot (Harry is pretty sure that's code for 'going outside the mountain to kill people for money' but is too afraid to ask) and he's only been able to meet one other relative.

With the exception of his mum, of course. And she's pretty cool, so Harry doesn't mind spending a lot of time with her. (His ears are used to her already!)

Harry is throwing darts and trying not to be so terrible at it when his older sister bangs into his room like a hurricane. Alluka is Harry's older sister, Kalluto's senior by a year. She's also the only person in the entire castle (castle!) who doesn't knock before entering his room. Even the Dursley's knocked.

"Tolluno!" She screams. She pauses to laugh when, in his startlement, his dart hits the far left of his wall — definitely nowhere near the bullseye. "Oh man, I'm sorry little brother, I didn't mean to interrupt."

She's lying. She obviously meant to interrupt.

"...Alluka, what's up?"

Alluka inhales deeply, squaring her shoulders. Harry would take her seriously if he hadn't been Tolluno for a week now. It took him about five minutes to pin down the fact that Alluka lives to exaggerate. It's seriously going to get them in trouble one day. Tolluno isn't looking forward to that; it's probably going to be painful. "I need your help," she says gravely.

Harry waits for her to continue, not convinced that this is a dire situation. His terrible aim is a dire situation. The upcoming ball at the Svalbard family mansion is a dire situation. Whatever it is that Alluka is here to pester him about probably isn't that important.

Reading his nonchalance, Alluka pouts cutely. "Aw come on, show a little initiative, lil bro! It's serious!"

"...What do you need?"

"Killua is back," says Alluka with a certain note in her voice that suggests Harry should definitely know who Killua is, and probably be a bit more excited that he's back. "And he's brought a friend who isn't Canary!" Last Harry checked, that was a bird, but magic is real and his name is Tolluno, so he scolds himself for judging. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Like, really. Tolluno. What was his mum thinking?

"Okay," Harry says gamely, resolving to fake it 'til he makes it. "Who is this friend?"

"Someone from the Kurta clan!"

Harry has not the foggiest idea about what is happening.

"Er, wicked?"

"I know, right?!" Alluka squeals, so he must have picked the right reaction. "A surviving member of the Kurta clan! I can't believe it! So I need you to do my hair up real quick, okay? With your needles in the fancy hairdo that mother taught you; I have to make a good impression!"

Harry blinks, then stares at his sister a bit more intently. She's wearing a pink dress that isn't her daily outfit — notable because people in this house like to wear a certain combination of clothes and not much else. Deviation from the norm resulted in people asking if Tolluno was "feeling okay," (he just wanted to wear a blue shirt?) This one is more elegant, taking from the Asian designs that Kalluto and their mother favor. She looks very understated and sophisticated, except her hair is a riotous mess that's detracting from the message she's trying to communicate.

For those curious, the message is: Seduce me!

"...Is that mum's lipstick?"

Alluka's face turns red. "What? No, it's — it's mine!"

"You have lipstick?"

"Of course I do! Killua bought it for me!"

Harry hums, not in the position to call her out on that. He still doesn't know who Killua is, though his name is weird enough that he's probably one of Harry's older brothers. "I don't know how to do hair, Alluka."

"Don't tell me you've forgotten?"

"Sure seems that way," Harry replies. Alluka looks downtrodden by this — man, what kind of memory problems did Tolluno have that Harry can recycle this excuse as many times as he wants? — and that makes Harry feel sort of guilty. He clears his throat. "But I can try? If you want?"

He blinks once, and Alluka is seated at the foot of his bed, cross-legged and buzzing with excitement. There are literal sparkles in her eyes: a clear blue colour, nothing at all like Tolluno and Kalluto's. Harry wonders about that. Does mum have blue eyes? Where the hell does the green come from?

(Is he adopted?)

"Do your best, lil bro! I'm counting on you!"

Harry sits behind Alluka, accepts the comb she produces from the folds of her dress, and awkwardly begins the arduous task of taming her hair. The brush loses a few teeth to the depths of her hair, which is thick enough to give Harry's a run for its money, but eventually submits. Once her hair is fluffy and soft to the touch, Harry digs his fingers in and improvises.

Luckily for him (and the future of Alluka's romantic life), his hands move on their own. Tolluno's fingers part, pin, and twist with surety that comes from a place in his mind that Harry can't access. He's pulling needles and chopsticks from hidden pockets that he didn't even know about; when he's done, Alluka's hair looks… really nice, actually.

Harry's proud of himself. He can't keep it out of his tone when he says, "There. Done!"

Alluka dashes into his en-suite to check. Gasps at what she sees. And screams, "Yes, little brother, YES! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She trips on her way out, ducking in to press a sticky kiss on his cheek. She leaves behind a pink imprint and a shocked Harry. He's never been kissed before. Not even by his new mum.

Man, he loves this family.

"It looks amazing!"

"Er, thanks. Glad you like it."

"I hope... I hope Killua's friend likes it as well," Alluka blushes again, and fidgets bashfully with her fingers. "His eyes… I could really make some money off of them, you know? It would set me up nicely. I wouldn't need to assassinate anyone else for years."

… His what?

Alluka shakes off her thoughts and yanks Harry to his feet. "Oh, who cares. Killua might have first dibs on his Kurta friend's eyes anyway, but it won't hurt to try. Come on, we'll go greet big brother at the servant's quarters! Kalluto might already be there!"

"I was busy doing something, Alluka!" Like practicing his aim so he could actually kill someone at the Svalbard ball that he's wearing a real dress for. Dire situations. Harry's sure he monologued about it earlier.

"Oh, I'll help you with your training afterwards. Or maybe Illumi will — he's coming home tomorrow, did you know? And he's way better with needles than you are. You'll be fine!" She sounds certain of it. Harry swallows nervously because he's kind of pretty sure that he's going to die when he goes to that ball and he exactly keen on that.

"Er, sure."

Alluka lays her manicured hand on his shoulder and smiles, warm enough that it reaches her eyes. Harry flushes under the attention, much against his will. This new body of his is wildly different in a lot of aspects, but the one thing that hasn't changed is his visceral pleasure whenever he's praised. "Listen, if I'm able to seduce this guy and sell his eyes, I'll use the money to buy that Tao Te Ching text for you, okay? As thanks."

Harry doesn't know how to read Chinese. His traitorous heart skips a beat. Tao Te Ching means nothing to him intellectually, but Tolluno is a history nerd and the name obviously means something to him.

"So don't be nervous, Tolluno. I'm your big sister. I have your back, just like you have mine."

If it's a pep talk, it's a fantastic one. Harry grins. "Okay, I'm game."

Alluka claps, winds her arm through his, and frogmarches them down the dark winding hallways of their castle home. Harry still has no idea how to tell the difference between corridors, but he's minding it less and less. When he's really lost, one of the butlers melts out of the walls to direct him where he needs to be. Harry is looked after here. It's kind of amazing.

… But he should really ask about the 'Kurta eyes' thing, because that sounds really dangerous.

And mean?

Is this something he should be concerned about?

"Are you going to kill the Kurta boy?" Harry asks.

Alluka shoots him a strange look. "Of course not. Geez, who do you think I am? Milluki?" She titters to herself. Harry's heard of Milluki. Harry's never seen him in the flesh, although apparently Milluki's always around and rarely leaves the mountain. He's pretty sure Milluki is a poltergeist his mum took pity on, and not his real brother. "I'll just pry out his eyes."

Harry waits for the horror. Predictably, it doesn't come down on him. His body isn't affected by the violence. Assassins probably wouldn't be, now that he thinks about it.

"What if Killua doesn't let you?"

"Have you ever known big brother to deny me, Tolluno-chan?"

That's easy.

"No," replies Harry, who is part nervous about the fact that he doesn't know anything about Killua, and part excited because yay, another brother confirmed! He wonders what Killua is like. "But what if he gets mad that you want to blind his new friend?"

"Then he can talk to Nanika about it," Alluka says primly. If she wasn't walking Harry, he might have stopped in his tracks. His heart jumped in its cage.

Nanika?

Did he have another sibling after all?!