Stay With Me

by Kitsilver

Summary: Clarke fights for Lexa's life after she is shot.

She cannot believe after all that has happened, and all that can happen, that this could be the end. She presses her hands to the bleeding wound on Lexa's stomach and prays, to whom she could not say, that all the healing skill she possessed would be enough.

Lexa couldn't die.

"Lexa?"

Time seemed to stand still as Lexa looked down at the bullet wound in her abdomen. Her eyes came up to meet Clarke, shock and confusion in her gaze, before she collapsed.

"No!" Clarke said, catching her before she could fall. "No." This couldn't be happening, she thought frantically. Not now, not now.

She looked at Titus, knowing there was panic in her voice but unable to stop it. "Help me get her to the bed!" Together they lifted Lexa to the bed, a few ragged gasps the only indication Lexa gave that she was in pain.

"What have I done?" Titus said, his voice shaking.

Any other time, Clarke might have paid attention to the pain in his voice, but right now she didn't have time to care. She brushed past him and immediately pressed down on the wound with both hands.

"I need something to stop the bleeding," Clarke said to Titus. Lexa started squirming, obviously in pain. "Lie still." Lexa's hands came to rest on top of Clarke's hands then, and Clarke hated what she saw there. Calm, despite the pain.

"Don't be afraid," Lexa gasped out. In pain, but comforting her yet again.

Damn it, Lexa. Damn it. Clarke could feel the panic rising in her chest and struggled to tamp it down. She wouldn't break down now, not when Lexa needed her most. She prayed, to who she didn't know, that her skill at healing would be enough.

Let it be enough.

"You're gonna be fine," Clarke said, and she didn't know if she was speaking more for Lexa or herself. "Just stay still."

Titus returned at a run and deposited a pile of cloth on the bed. Clarke tore open Lexa's shirt and exposed her stomach, the bullet wound sluggishly pumping out thick, black blood. She would not think about how, only minutes before, she had run her fingers over that smooth expanse of skin. Kissed her there and heard Lexa gasp. She would not think about that.

She let the healer in her take over as she surveyed the wound. At least it's slow, she thought. No arteries hit. But was the bullet still inside? She gestured to Titus to help her and carefully turned Lexa on her side. No exit wound, meaning the bullet was still inside. But there was no way she was going to try and remove a bullet without any surgical supplies from Arkadia. Carefully she rolled Lexa onto her back and made a thick bandage to cover the wound in her abdomen. She pressed both hands over the wound again, blood slowly turning the cloth black. Blood. So much blood.

She looked at Lexa. The girl's eyes were dilated with pain, she was gasping, and it looked like she was fighting not to pass out.

"Stay with me," Clarke said. Please.

She looked over at Titus who was taking tools out of a small metal box. A quick glance showed her scalpel, scissors, and something else. "What the hell is that?" When no answer came, Clarke tried again. "Titus, what are you doing?"

Lexa's breathing was growing more ragged. Clarke felt the panic rising in her chest, feeling the steady pumping of blood beneath her fingers. What if this wasn't enough to stop the bleeding? Lexa couldn't die. She would not. Clarke fought to control the panic and the pain, refusing to believe that this could be the end.

"I will fix you," she said to Lexa, nodding her head as if that could make it more true. "Just stay with me." She had to believe that Lexa would live.

Titus came to Lexa's side and instinctively Clarke tried to cut him off. "No," she said, wanting to protect the woman on the bed. "Stay away from her." She didn't know what tools Titus held or what he planned, but she knew it couldn't be good. But Lexa looked at Titus and he cut her off with a raised hand. Gently he took Lexa's face in his hands and looked at her, sorrow and pain in his face.

"Forgive me, Heda."

Something inside Clarke burned with anger and she glared at Titus. He was the reason she laying on that bed to begin with. He was the reason she was in pain. But another part of her recognized how incredibly fucked up this was for both of them. She knew that Lexa held Titus in high esteem and that she valued him as a lifelong teacher; she knew that Titus would have done anything to protect Lexa. For Lexa to be lying on that bed now, bleeding and possibly dying, by Titus's hand was just so wrong. She would not let it end this way, Clarke thought fiercely.

Lexa spoke then, her gaze fixed on Titus and her voice strong. And Clarke's heart broke a little more. "Yu nou trana bash op Klark nodotaim nowe," she said. You will never again attempt to harm Clarke. "Swega em kiln." Swear it.

Clarke choked back a little sob, her chest tight as she stared down at the girl on the bed. Even now, how could it be that Lexa's only thought was for her?

Lexa cared about her her. Even before today, that was obvious, but there was always a reason to pretend that wasn't true. She had been so angry with Lexa after what happened at Mount Weather. She had not wanted to submit her clan to the coalition. Then Arkadians did something stupid and she had to fight to keep Lexa from wiping them all out. There was always a reason to pretend that she was only here in Polis for her people, and Lexa had let her pretend. But Clarke had known, with every glance and every touch, that there had been something more. She had known when Lexa called Aden to reassure her that if she were to die, Aden would protect the 13th clan. Lexa could have died then, and her first concern was making sure Clarke and her people were safe. Just as she was doing now. The fist around Clarke's heart squeezed a little tighter, and she closed her eyes to ward off the pain.

After a long moment, Titus nodded and said, "Ai swega em kiln." I swear it.

Lexa nodded and closed her eyes briefly, acceptance written on her face, before looking at Titus once more. "Den dula yu job op." Then do your job. Clarke looked at her sharply, not quite understanding what was being asked of Titus, understanding only the urgency in her voice. "Badan neson-de op kom we yu don badan ai op, Fleimkepa." Serve the next as you have served me, Flamekeeper.

Titus walked away slowly and Clarke met Lexa's eyes again, her hands still pressing down firmly on the wound on Lexa's stomach. "Hey," she said, shaking her head and staring at the other girl. "Don't you dare give up on me." After everything they had been through, after everything they should still go through, Lexa couldn't just give up.

But Clarke saw only resignation on Lexa's face. "I'm not," she said shakily, fighting to get the words out. "My spirit…will find…"

"No," Clarke said firmly, holding Lexa's eyes with her own, willing her not to give up. "I am not letting you die." She grabbed Lexa's hand with one hand while keeping the other pressed tightly over the wound, as if by force of will alone she could keep Lexa with her.

Lexa shook her head slowly. "There is nothing you can do now," she said. Clarke knew that Lexa was just trying to comfort her, to let her know that it was ok, but she couldn't accept that. "The next Commander will protect you."

"I don't want the next Commander," Clarke said fiercely. And suddenly all the barriers Clarke had erected between herself and Lexa came crashing down. Every reason they couldn't be together washed away and all that was left was truth, spilling out of her in a flood. "I want you."

She couldn't help the way her voice broke, the tears that had been threatening to come finally spilling out. She just kept holding onto Lexa's hand and staring at her face, trying to show her with look and touch everything she never had a chance to say.

Don't die, Lexa. Her heart cried out. I need you.

The acceptance and calmness on Lexa's face cracked, showing real pain underneath. She gripped Clarke's hand tightly and closed her eyes as if she didn't want Clarke to see what she was feeling. But Clarke could see the tears leaking out of her eyes and choked out a ragged sob of her own.

She was brought out of it by Titus taking position next to them again, his tools nearby. Clarke knew then that those tools were meant to prepare Lexa for death. She steeled herself. I am not going anywhere.

"I'm ready, Heda," Titus said. He reached toward Lexa and Clarke let go of Lexa's hand to trap Titus's hand. Her look demanded Titus to let her know what was going on.

"When the Commander dies -"

"No! Damn you." Clarke shook her head again vehemently. "No one is dying today."

The look on Titus's face hardened. "When a Commander dies, I must ensure that her spirit passes on to the next Commander. You will not stop this, Clarke kom Skaikru."

"Clarke."

The gentle voice from the bed drew her back to Lexa, acceptance and calm back on her face. Lexa had accepted her death, had accepted it for a very long time, and Clarke knew she was telling her to just let go.

She would be damned if she just gave in that easily.

She squeezed Lexa's hand again and looked at Titus, a plan clicking into place. "Then if she dies you can do it, but not yet. We are going to do everything we can so that her spirit doesn't leave. Call Octavia, I need her here."

Titus looked at Lexa. She nodded, almost imperceptibly. He motioned to a guard who bowed his head stiffly and left the room.

"And a healer," Clarke continued. Her mind was whirling, thinking of what more they could do to stop the bleeding and how to keep it clean. Infection was the biggest danger with a gut shot wound. The bullet could have torn through intestines and released bacteria laden waste inside, poisoning her blood and eventually killing her. Clarke could only hope that didn't happen because she wouldn't be able to stop that kind of global infection. But even if it didn't there was risk of infection from the wound itself, and if it festered and spread she could die in a matter of days. Clarke had to stop the bleeding first and then keep the wound clean.

Titus looked doubtful. "Our healers are not familiar with this kind of wound."

"Doesn't matter," Clarke said. "He can still help me."

Titus left and Clarke continued to apply steady pressure to the wound, hearing her mother's voice telling her how to stop the bleeding. Maintain direct pressure on the wound for at least ten minutes, keep piling on more dressing rather than peeking at the wound. If the bleeding doesn't stop, reposition and hold for another 10 minutes. If it still continues, try a pressure point.

Had it been ten minutes? Clarke thought. She thought it might have been only a few minutes, but it felt like it had been forever since Lexa had been shot. She really had no idea how much had passed. She was brought out of her musings by a sudden movement from the bed and was startled to see the barest hint of a smile on Lexa's face.

"What could possibly be amusing about this?" Clarke asked.

Lexa's smile got a little bigger. "You never liked being told what to do."

Certain memories came flooding back and despite herself, Clarke huffed out a laugh. "It depends what you are telling me to do."

The look on Lexa's face changed from gentle amusement to such tenderness that for a moment Clarke couldn't breathe. She was so afraid of losing Lexa, of the crippling regret she would feel about losing her when they'd just barely found each other again. So much time wasted, when their feelings had been there all along. She had just been too stubborn and blind to admit it. She told herself that if Lexa lived, she wouldn't waste those moments again.

This couldn'tbe the end.

"If today is the day my spirit will choose its successor," Lexa said softly, "you have to accept that."

Clarke leaned in to put her face close to Lexa's, her hands gripping Lexa's hand tightly, her other hand still pressed firmly over the wound. "Like hell I do." Clarke kissed Lexa hard on the lips, as if to remind her, to remind them, of all that they had to fight for. Lexa gasped but her lips moved weakly beneath Clarke, kissing her back.

The door opened abruptly and Clarke pulled away, never letting go of Lexa's wide green eyes.

"Clarke, you ready to go?" Octavia's voice came from the direction of the door. "I told you -oh. Holy shit."

Clarke looked at Octavia, taking in the wide eyed look on the girl's normally hard face. "Yea, shit," she said wryly. "Look Octavia I need your help. You have to ride to Arkadia and get some medicine. I need antibiotics, anti-inflammatories. Anything to help control the fever and infection that will probably set in."

Octavia looked at Lexa. "What about the blockade?"

"You will be allowed through," Clarke said angrily. She looked at Titus. "You, and me, and whoever else I summon from Arkadia will be exempt from the blockade, won't we?" She almost snarled that last bit at Titus. He looked at Lexa then gave another nod.

"What am I supposed to say to Pike?" Octavia asked. "He's not exactly feeling friendly toward the Grounders right now."

"Tell him that he is surrounded by a thousand warriors," Clarke replied, wishing she could look Pike in the eyes and tell him herself. "Tell him that a word from the Heda would make them rain fire in Arkadia. It is only because of her that this is a blockade and not a massacre. But if he wants to stay in what remains of her good graces, he will give us what we ask for."

Octavia nodded.

"And one more thing." Clarke looked at Octavia. "Ask for my mom. I think I can so this, but it would be better if she were here. Just in case."

"That could be a good idea." Octavia said. "But do you really want me to tell them that Lexa got shot?"

Clarke shook her head. "No, don't tell Abby. And definitely don't tell Pike. Just tell him that this is what Lexa demands in return for leniency. Tell my mom that I just need her here. Please."

Octavia nodded again and turned to leave. But she stopped, pausing for a moment before turning to face Clarke again. "Who did it?"

Clarke sent an impatient nod in Titus's direction and Octavia raised a brow. "Well, I didn't see that coming. " She looked at Lexa. "I didn't like you, but I didn't want this to happen to you. Not like this. And if Clarke is right and you really are the best way to stop Pike from being a dick, and for my people to be safe, then I'll help you." She looked at Clarke again. "But it will take maybe two days, Clarke. Will she still be here when I get back?"

Clarke' hand tightened involuntarily on Lexa. "Hurry, Octavia."

She left and soon after a young woman walked in, not much older than Clarke, but the way she sized up Lexa's wound told Clarke she's seen this kind of thing before.

"You're the healer?" Clarke asked. The woman nodded. "I need more clean bandages to stop the bleeding. Pads and bandages. And I need something to help with infection."

The woman's eyes narrowed and Clarke clarified. "When one of your people gets a wound and gets sick with fever, what do you do for them?"

The woman nodded. "There is a plant we use to help bring down fever, the bark of the weeping tree; I can prepare it as a tea and will send for more bandages. I will also send cool water for the fever, when it comes," the healer said grimly.

Clarke nodded and after the healer left, took a close look at the wound. Blood was still spreading over the white cloth but it looked slower now. She continued to press her hands over the wound, feeling more certain that Lexa wouldn't bleed out. But the risk of infection and a painful death were still very real, and she tried not to think about it.

When the healer returned they changed the dressing on the wound, wrapping it tightly, and helped her drink some tea. Then the healer left, with instructions to call her if they needed anything, and a visibly paler Lexa was allowed to rest. Clarke sat beside her and took her hand, suddenly feeling exhausted, and took a deep breath. It felt like the first breath she had taken all day.

Was it only an hour ago that she had walked into Lexa's room to say goodbye? It felt like another lifetime.

Clarke studied the hand she was holding in hers, traced the calluses earned from a lifetime of training, hands that were hard and strong, but soft too. Just like the woman they belonged to. Memories came to Clarke in a rush, the feel of those hands touching every part of her body, soft and gentle, then hard and urgent. She remembered kissing those hands, then guiding them down to the place she needed them most. The memories brought a sharp stab of desire deep inside her, but also a wrenching pain. They had denied each other for so long, kept apart by duty and their people. And now that they finally gave in to each other, she might lose her.

Clarke shook her head. So much had changed in so little time. It didn't seem that long ago that she had hated Lexa and was ready to kill her for the betrayal at Mount Weather.

But would she have really? Her mind went back to that moment when she held a knife to Lexa's throat and Lexa had let her. She knew that now. But something had held her back even then, and when Lexa said "I'm sorry," Clarke just let her go. Something inside her had broken open, releasing all the pain and anger, and she didn't know at the time what was left behind. She just knew that killing Lexa would not ease her pain.

And now? Her gaze wandered back to Lexa's face, tracing over the soft skin and high cheekbones, the gentle curve of her brows, and soft brown hair. Clarke drank in the sight, feeling her heart swell with something that felt like gladness, even now. She knew that if she closed her eyes she would still see Lexa's face, that it was imprinted on her forever. Something important had changed in the few days that she and Lexa had been reunited, and Clarke knew that she would never be the same.

Lexa opened her eyes just then, and despite the pain Clarke could still see on her face, Lexa smiled.

"How are you?" Clarke asked quietly.

"It hurts," Lexa admitted. "But I've had worse."

"It's going to get worse, Lexa." Clarke didn't want to say the words that seemed to be coming out of her mouth, but she said them anyway. "The bleeding is under control but there's a good chance that infection will set in. Fever at best, sepsis at worst. You could be dead in a day, or a few." Clarke shook her head, trying not to let despair enter her voice. "I'm gonna do everything I can, but there's only so much I can do to help you fight."

Lexa nodded. Clarke knew she had seen many warriors injured in battle, and knew that many of them died from what came after. She could also see that Lexa was not afraid.

Lexa squeezed her hand. "It will be all right, Clarke."

Clarke shook her head again, looking away so Lexa wouldn't see the fear and grief on her face. It wouldn't be all right, not ever again, if Lexa died.

"Look at me," came the quiet voice.

Clarke forced herself to look at Lexa, to look into steady green eyes that held reassurance and strength. And something else, something tender and warm.

"No matter what happens," Lexa said. "I have done what I can to make sure you are safe and that the next commander treats your people fairly. You must know that."

Clarke shook her head. "Lexa," she said slowly. "For once, this is NOT about my people."

They seemed to realize what she said at the same time and smiled at each other, the thought of the trial ahead temporarily abated.

"I know," Lexa said, smiling at her. "I don't want to lose you either." Clarke's hands tightened almost painfully on Lexa's. Lexa squeezed her hand as best she could, her once strong grip weaker now, but not gone. Trying to comfort her and letting her know she was still there.

Even now, Lexa was the one taking care of her.

"I have always accepted my death," Lexa continued quietly, her eyes never leaving Clarke's. "It is just part of our lives, and commanders are not known for dying in bed. But I wanted to bring my people some measure of peace before I died. That is why I united the clans. I thought it might stop the warring for a time and that would be enough. I was at peace with my death, whenever that time came. And then I met you." Lexa smiled again, and the look in her green eyes were full of such warmth that Clarke could barely breathe. "You changed my world, Clarke kom Skaikru. I never knew I could feel this way again until I met you."

Clarke laughed and sobbed somehow at the same time. She brushed the tears impatiently from her eyes then looked at Lexa, feeling a rush of warmth and happiness that temporarily wiped away the grief. Wasn't this how she had felt too, for so long?

"I didn't expect you to happen either, " Clarke said. "You were my enemy. I had every reason to be afraid of you. You tortured Raven, would have killed Finn, you tried to kill Octavia. You were my enemy. But then one day..." She shrugged and shook her head. "You weren't."

Lexa nodded. Then she looked at Clarke and smiled again, an eyebrow quirked ever so slightly. "Was it the day I kissed you?"

"I think it was the day you told me about Costia," Clarke said, smiling back at her. "I knew then that you were not just the big bad Commander of the 12 clans." She grinned. "But the kiss was nice too."

Lexa smiled faintly but Clarke could tell by the way her eyes suddenly drooped that she was struggling to keep them open. She was clearly exhausted, but still had something left to say.

"Clarke," she said, her voice low. "Just know that if I die -"

"You won't," Clarke cut in. She wouldn't let her.

"But if I do," Lexa said, keeping a firm grip on Clarke. "Know that I regret nothing. That knowing you, that loving you,"and here Lexa's eyes filled with a fabulous light, so warm and full of love. "Meant more to me than I could ever say. I love you, Clarke. You taught me that life really was more than just surviving."

Clarke felt the tears rising again, every intense emotion she had felt in the last hour coming to the surface. The passion, the desire, the wanting, the grief, the panic and the pain. And the love, yes, that was there too. She had felt in the way they kissed and held each other, in every glance and every touch. But there was nothing like hearing the words for the first time. To hear the truth of those feelings said out loud.

She kissed Lexa again, so softly. Felt her tears running along the other woman's face.

"I love you too," she whispered, her words barely more than a breath over Lexa's face. She felt her smile once more and then felt her relax into what was, for now, peaceful sleep. Clarke held onto her a minute longer, eyes closed and resting her forehead against hers, holding her hand between them and willing her to just keep breathing.

"Don't die on me Lexa," she said quietly. " I don't know what the world would look like anymore without you."

Next chapter:

Clarke continues fighting to save Lexa's life, but when too many days pass, she starts to wonder if Pike had stopped Octavia after all, if Abby would ever come.

Then one day Abby walks in. She takes one look at Clarke holding Lexa, at the tears in her daughter's eyes, and says simply, "So. It's her."

"Yes, mom," Clarke says, relief in her voice. "She's the one."