Let Yourself Be Carried

Chapter 4: Just To Make An Ugly Scene

Warning: Rey has another panic attack in this one.

Rey can feel the blood slide down her side, slick, arresting her breath. All said and done, she's ready to give in, call it quits on this wreck of a day. But she grits her teeth and leans forward in the darkness of the simulator as the fake night sky of some ice planet opens up before her, and she wills herself to continue.

This is the same feeling she got when fighting Kylo Ren, faster than a shot of adrenaline straight to her heart. Rey keeps going because she can't say no to her own arrangements.

Stick with the plan. Follow through on the simulation. Limp back to your quarters. Sleep it off.

But even Rey is failing to comprehend how she is just going to "sleep off" this particular injury. Because there is blood. And there is an increasingly alarming portion of it saying farewell to her frame.

What was I on Jakku? I was a wraith. Here, I'm a warrior.

She gasps at the cry of adulation from Finn, and they switch roles. He was giving her the once-over like mad when she showed up late, but he seems to be forgetting her paleness, the shake in her voice, as she continues to navigate the simulated nocturnal terrain flawlessly. Besides, in the dark, he can only see the silhouette of her back if he were to turn around. She can smell the faint floral scent of his aftershave, almost hear his inhalations. Rey pushes a strand of flyaway hair behind her ear and tries to focus on the task at hand.

A red light in the distance, beyond a mountain range glowing silver with snow, can only be one thing—the light of a TIE fighter—but instead Rey sees the bright crimson of a young girl's jacket, plunging into the cold depths of a runaway river current.

All at once, Rey sees Skywalker's concerned eyes looking down at her, and she can hear his voice in her mind.

What was your lesson today?

A choked scream escapes from her mouth, and she is suddenly looking down at her own body, as if viewing herself from a clandestine alcove. Warning sirens from the simulation screech in her ears, mixing with the blaster fire from the TIE fighter about to attack them, and her view screen is tumbling over and over, her control panel and seat violently vibrating. They are spinning now, out of control, plunging towards the frozen surface.

"—ALL RIGHT?!" comes a strained cry right in her ear.

Rey can't help it. She sees the scarlet coat, then the ruby of the blaster fire, and the vibrant colors mix with the viscous substance running down her side. Suddenly, she is very cold, shivering.

Despite the slanting picture on the view screen and the spinning of her own head, Rey manages to steady the facsimile airspeeder, but they are doomed. The TIE fighter is too close, and her screen dissolves into a mix of smoke, ash, and fire.

And although the simulation is clearly over, Rey's shaking fingers keep trying to handle the controls, pushing buttons frantically even as Finn unbuckles her from the pilot seat, emitting a soothing string of syllables that mix and run into each other so she doesn't understand a word. All she is aware of is the panic in his eyes as he sees the dark stain spreading across her midsection. Rey tries to protest, but the sounds are stuck in her throat as Finn removes his jacket, drapes it over her shoulders, and swiftly extricates her from the pilot seat. She can feel the warmth radiating off his body as her hand slides reflexively around his neck.

"No…" she protests.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Finn says. Rey's eyes are closed, so she can't see his expression, but she can hear the anger in his voice.

They are moving quickly now. She can feel cold air whipping past her as Finn races down corridor after corridor. Her limbs feel like brittle sticks tied together, slipping from Finn's firm grasp at odd angles. And she feels a strange lightness in her frame, as if the thin fabric of her clothes is grasping at the ghost of a body to give it form.

"You're just like him," Finn mutters. "Just like Skywalker. Too stubborn for your own good."

Rey is ready for a rebuttal, but her tongue feels too thick to speak, and her eyes open only to flutter shut again.

"…you…stay…me!" she can hear Finn call, but his words echo as if from far away.

Rey floats into unconsciousness, dreaming of sparkling snowy mountains, the rushing of water, and red jackets.

The first thing she notices when she awakes is how quiet everything is. Like the sound has been turned down just for her. Just so she can rest her eyes for a moment.

'Cause that's all you have been doing. Just taking a little break from consciousness, your responsibilities, the galaxy, etc.

There is a small exhalation on her left side.

"Rey! You're awake."

And because she just can't help it, and it hides her embarrassment, she quips: "Impressive statement of the obvious, Finn."

When her eyes waver open and focus on his face, there is no irritation in his countenance. Quite the opposite: his eyes are rather serene.

Because the secret's out between them. Finn has carried her, against her will, against her wishes. And he'll never be able to take that back.

"Amused, are you?" she huffs, wincing at the slight tug on her left side. When she scans the area, she notices a bandage underneath the white robe she's wearing.

Glancing back at Finn, his face is maddeningly unreadable, calm.

"When the doctors looked you over, they noticed that you have been pushing yourself too hard."

Rey tries to roll her eyes, but the movement causes her head to throb mercilessly. Sensing her discomfort, Finn brings a cup of water to her lips. She drains the container gratefully, wanting to ignore his words but unwilling to let them go.

"I couldn't just let that girl drown!"

Finn pushes her back, gently yet firmly. His eyes are steel.

"I'm not talking about what happened at the river. I'm talking about what's going on with you and how you've been shutting me out, shutting Poe out. Not eating, not sleeping, training from dawn to dusk…"

Rey can tell Finn is holding back an enormous wave of frustration, and her face burns. All she can do is sit there and listen and take it. She wants to tell him why she hasn't sought balance in her life, why she perseveres despite never-ending exhaustion, but Rey admits that she doesn't even know why.

Finn's mini lecture cuts short as two familiar figures appear behind him. At once, Rey tries to sit up. Finn immediately reaches forward and positions her pillow so she can prop herself into a sitting position more comfortably. She grunts in gratitude and plasters a smile on her face that is part relief, part desperation.

"Jamella!" she intones.

The young girl hides shyly behind her mother as Finn steps away, watching the scene.

"We want to thank you… for what you did." Jamella's mother bites her lip, hiding back emotion, but her eyes are glassy and give her away. Suddenly, she reaches forward and squeezes Rey's hand. "Thank you for saving my little girl."

This is the last thing Rey wants, but she nods, patting the woman on her arm. Then the mother nudges Jamella, and the youngling spills onto Rey's bed, pulling her into a tight hug.

"Careful, careful!" her mother chides.

But Rey just chuckles, the reaction surprising herself, but she can't laugh for very long because her side starts aching again. Then Jamella releases her, placing a small object into Rey's right palm.

"A present," Jamella whispers into her ear. "Thank you."

The mother and daughter walk away, and Rey looks down at the unexpected gift—a small silver fish constructed out of paper. Its scales are iridescent in the harsh light of the infirmary and eerily hypnotic. Rey sets it on a bedpost, feeling another wave of weariness wash over her. She is stiff and sore, and she is terrified that her emotions will start showing unless she retreats back to her room.

"Help me up," she says to Finn gruffly.

Since when did Finn ever let you talk to him this way?

"You don't think you're leaving the medbay now, do you?" Finn asks, yet he takes her arm and gingerly maneuvers her into an upright position, swinging her legs over the side of the cot. "What are you possibly planning to accomplish with the rest of the day when you're injured?"

Rey peeks at him cheekily with one eye open. "Meditation?"

Finn sighs, exasperated, and that's when both of them notice the person standing by the door on their left. It's Dameron.

The day just keeps getting better, Rey thinks, biting the inside of her cheek.

"Poe," Finn says. "You okay?" There is genuine concern in his voice because of the posture of the usually cocky pilot; his shoulders are slumped, his back leaning against the wall as if he is a balloon that was recently deflated.

"Yeah," Dameron says, dazed. He stirs from his position along the wall and approaches the two of them. In spite of the grease stains covering his hands, he wipes his eyes frantically with a fist. "But I should really be asking Rey that."

Rey takes a nervous breath. "I'm fine, Poe. Calm down."

Dameron's eyelashes are wet when he brings his hand away from his face—he was always rubbish at hiding his emotions. Or perhaps, the Jakkunian thinks, it's because he doesn't mind expressing them as much as Rey, and he was never trained to hide them like Finn. The Padawan finds herself dazzled and also mortified that she is seeing Poe so raw, so exposed like this.

Finn springs to his feet and puts a reassuring hand on the pilot's shoulder. "What is it? What happened?"

Poe tries to flash false bravado with a smile, but his face is too pale, his voice too shaky. "Oh, it's nothing. It's stupid, really. I just heard the guys in the hangar talking about some kind of accident—and then they said it was Rey… Th-that you collapsed in the simulator. Well, I ran over, and I couldn't find you or F-Finn, but I s-saw the blood."

Rey's heart sinks, and Finn bites his lip.

"Poe…"

Dameron takes a deep breath, averting his gaze by staring at the ceiling to collect himself. "There was… there was just a lot of blood. And I thought…"

Rey inadvertently kicks the pilot with her foot. "Hey!"

Poe jumps and looks down at her.

"It's going to take a lot more than a wrecked airspeeder simulation to kill me," she says.

Finn snickers at the comment, and that causes a slow smile to spread across Dameron's face. He takes a deep breath and nods.

"You're right," Poe says to Rey then turns to Finn. "And you owe me."

"What?!"

"I made that bet that you wouldn't last through the simulation."

Finn sighs. "So what's it gonna be?"

Dameron scratches his chin, feigning deep thought. "Hmm… How about some cake?"

Finn punches him gently in the stomach, causing Rey to laugh and hold her side, grimacing. Then she starts to stand up.

"Woah! Woah woah woah!" exclaims Dameron quickly, taking her arm. "You shouldn't be getting up now. Finn, tell Rey that she shouldn't be getting up now."

"I'm right in front of you," Rey deadpans with a glare.

"Poe's right," says Finn. "You really should stay in bed."

But Rey ignores both of them and shrugs off their grips, limping slowly, barefoot, out of the medbay. She can feel her movement pull on the side wound, and she grits her teeth, stifling a moan.

"Rey…" It's Finn, but she ignores him.

"Finn, stop her…"

"At least let us help…"

"I'm fine," Rey says, but the lie is so obvious in her voice that she almost backs it up with a fiercer comment. However, she is not acerbic by nature and can't bring herself to take out her resentment on them.

She almost makes it halfway down the corridor when an arc of vertigo causes her vision to tilt sickeningly, and she finds herself crashing to the floor.

"Rey!" Finn cries.

The Jakkunian is trying to swat her friends away even before they reach her, but suddenly the pain in her side is too intense, and she's too tired and discouraged and fed up with this disaster of a day to care any longer. Tears stream down her face in warm salty rivulets, and she doesn't even have the strength to hide them.

The cement floor is frigid on her flesh, but soon strong hands are picking her up, setting her against something warm, and bracing her back.

"Rey…" It's Poe's voice, and she realizes that she is sitting against his chest. On any other day, this scenario would have caused her a great deal of alarm, but she is too numb too care. Her heartbeat hammers in her chest, like a runaway pod racer. Her breath fluctuates, air flowing rapidly in and out of her lungs.

"Breathe," says Finn, and he is holding her hand, trying to catch her attention. "Just breathe."

"Breathe," Poe repeats, and she finds herself settling against him, feeling the slow rise and fall of his chest. He's humming a nameless tune, and Rey focuses on the trilling melody until the panic has left her.

Her head bows, dizzy, and Finn lifts her chin so that she can look at him.

He's 1% angry and 99% worried out of his mind.

"Sorry," Rey croaks.

A bitter chuckle resonates behind her, and she swivels her head towards Dameron.

"She's sorry," Poe says. "We're the ones who should be sorry, Rey."

"For what?"

"For not realizing that something was wrong before now," says Finn. "That you were tearing yourself apart, and we could have helped."

"And for not making sure you took the day off and had a better day today," Poe continues.

Rey's head continues to throb, but she's sure it's not explaining her sudden confusion. "I don't understand. Is today special?"

Finn and Poe exchange a meaningful look.

The ex-stormtrooper finally says, "It's your birthday, genius."

Rey stops, begins to say something, stops again.

What?!

Dameron says, "Remember when the medical droids took your vitals when you first arrived at the base? They calculated your birthday, and you told us. Well, it's today. You must have forgotten to mark it on your calendar. But we remembered."

"But I don't need a birthday," says Rey, completely at a loss.

"Too bad," says Finn with a tone of complete finality in his voice. "You're getting one."

"But—"

Poe shushes her again, and Finn squeezes her hand, leaning in close.

"You're gonna find them, by the way."

Rey holds her breath, and it feels like the entire base has gone silent. Her stomach feels like a frozen stone.

"Your parents," says Finn, his face serious, intense. "You're gonna find them, and we're gonna help you. But you have to let us help, Rey. You can't do it all on your own. Don't you see? That's why I left the First Order, even though I didn't know it at the time. And that's why Poe survived the crash on Jakku, even though he didn't know it at the time."

And all at once, Rey's perfectly constructed walls of denial and isolation crumble before her, and she is crying again, crying tears of relief, and release, and (oddly enough) joy.

As Poe and Finn comfort her, Rey realizes that this is a pivotal moment in her life. That to depend on these two men, the dearest friends she has ever had, is not to give in, not giving up her power, or metaphorically giving up hope of finding her parents and the secret to her past—it's allowing herself to see how much she is already supported and loved. Rather than looking her entire life for a family, Rey abruptly realizes in one exquisite moment, that she already has one. And they aren't going to leave her anytime soon.

"We're in this together," Poe affirms.

Rey's tears eventually ebb, and her friends slowly help her get to her feet. They walk, together, arms interlocked, all the way to Finn's quarters. When Rey asks why they're going there, Finn mumbles something under his breath about a surprise.

Still, it doesn't sink in until she is settled into Finn's sofa (and the plushest cushions imaginable) what the surprise could be. Out of the shadows of the dim living room, Finn bares a gigantic platter which holds flickering candles adorning a—

"Cake?!" she exclaims.

Poe is beaming and plops onto the sofa beside her.

"Go on," Finn says, and sets the tray down.

The men chuckle when she blows out each candle quickly and individually, with short puffs of air, but they won't tell her why they're laughing. Rey can't wait to consume the sticky still-warm-from-the-oven confection. It's a perfect mess of chocolate sponge, vanilla icing, and red berries.

She thanks Finn each time she licks the frosting from her fingers, and then they are all settled back into the sofa with a sugary rush, Rey sandwiched between her friends. Trauma of the Temptors is playing in front of them and Finn reads poetry in the green glow of the holovid.

In a matter of minutes, the day is taking its final toll on Rey, and she can't stop her eyes from drooping closed, no matter how much she fights it. And, really, she's tired of fighting it anyway. Besides, it almost feels nice to rest her head on Poe's shoulder and release the tension she has been carrying around since landing on D'Qar.

After a while, she wakes from her light doze to whispers.

"Should get her to bed," Finn says. "She can take mine."

Dameron agrees. "Yeah, I got her."

Any lingering feeling of weakness and bitterness melts away like the taste of sweet vanilla on her tongue as Poe gently sweeps her into a solid yet gentle embrace. Rey is too tired to open her eyes, so she merely drifts off to the sensation of weightlessness and the light kiss of Dameron's warm breath on her cheeks.

This is where I belong, she thinks fleetingly before falling asleep. I can tell Master Luke that I learned his lesson.

Rey smiles in her sleep and lets herself be carried.

~Fin~

A/N: Pure fluff, my friends, pure fluff. Hope you enjoyed!