Author's Note: This is sort of AU. For the sake of my story, Jay Garrick is not Zoom.

Caitlin Snow was in grief. Everybody knew that. What nobody knew was that she was also wallowing in guilt. She couldn't remove the memory of Jay Garrick's smile from her mind. That smile he wore just before Zoom's hand was stained with his blood. She didn't deserve that smile. She didn't deserve a lot of things. His affection, his care, his little romantic gestures whenever they caught some sort of break from Zoom and meta-humans. She cared for Jay but it was more platonic than not. Jay certainly didn't feel that way. That didn't mean that Jay didn't have his suspicions.

-TWO MONTHS AGO-

"- so for example a five can't be here because there's a five in the same row. However, we can place a two." Caitlin said, catching her breath. She had just finished explaining the rules of Sudoku to Jay. This was their idea of having some down time.

"This is supposed to be the part where I say 'Kidding. We have those at Earth-2.' But you were really serious and now I'm afraid you're going to get mad at me but I couldn't stop you because I enjoy looking at you when you're all serious and focused." Jay said.

"And this is the part I'm guessing where I'm supposed to not actually get angry because you complimented me?" she asked, feigning annoyance.

"Yes?" Jay said. Unsure of himself. Caitlin wasn't the best liar but he was always second-guessing himself around her.

"I was joking but that's the last one, Mr. Garrick. Now, since you actually have Sudoku at Earth-2 you'll have no excuse if I hand you your own ass." Caitlin said with an expression of seriousness but that was quickly replaced by a determined one.

"Oh, I don't know about that Dr. I'm-Cute-When-I-Get-Competitive I actually played this a lot back in Earth-2 and I won all of them." he bragged.

"Let me guess, you won "all of them" after you became a speedster? One of the few things that benefits me with you losing your speed is you won't be able to cheat unlike Barry over there."

A flash of red surprised the both of them.

"Cait, you know I didn't cheat. You just can't handle that I beat you." Barry said, wearing a self-satisfied smirk.

"Barry Allen, how long were you eavesdropping? If we're going down that road again then why don't you accept my challenge that we play inside the Pipeline?" Caitlin said annoyed about the reminder of her inability to beat Barry at Sudoku because he did always cheat.

"I actually wasn't eavesdropping your voice just gets louder when you get really competitive and also when you're angry at me for being really brave and heroic so I couldn't help but hear you insulting my skills in this game you just suck at. To answer your question I don't accept your challenge because it's pointless and kinda creepy-"

"Barry, as much as I would like you to finally learn to lie – he actually asked me to somehow have a room in the Pipeline where it didn't disable meta-human powers - we have a hostage situation over at the mall." Cisco interjected.

"I knew it!" Caitlin exclaimed, grinning triumphantly.

"Cisco, I thought we had something special. I'm on it." Barry said just before he sped away.

But he was back as fast as he was gone.

"Dr. Snow you may have beaten me at Sudoku but you still can't prove that you deserve your medical degree in Operation." Barry said, uncomfortably close to Caitlin.

"For the last time, that game isn't anatomically correct!" she said to air that was supposed to be Barry.

Barry didn't intend to eavesdrop or at least not at first but somehow he was interested to know how Caitlin and Jay interacted in private and he had nothing else better to do and her voice did get louder when she was being competitive. He wasn't exactly sure what his reason was. He might have been unsure of what compelled him to listen in although he was sure that the way that Jay was carelessly complimenting Caitlin was irritating. Who does that? Okay, boyfriends do that. He was just being wary about Jay because he was protecting Caitlin. Who feels overprotective when Caitlin was around a man? Her friend does that and he was her friend. "I'm her friend." were the words running through his head as he ran through the streets of Central City.

"Hate not having the last word as much as losing, Caitlin?" Jay said in a teasing tone.

"You bet but I won't be in this mood for long. Ready to start?" Caitlin asked with an eager smile or at least she hoped that it was how it appeared. She was less than collected inside. It was stupid. She forgot to tell Barry to be careful and it was bothering her. It won't actually change things. After all, his recklessness was only rivaled by his selflessness. She wanted to do nothing more than join Cisco in helping Barry but Cisco was going out of his way to give her a much needed break. She had been working all day every single day for weeks – even during weekends - in perfecting Velocity 10.

"Sure." Jay said with an answering smile but he had something else he wanted to do. Something involving questions regarding a certain Scarlet Speedster.

After three rounds (Caitlin won all three. She wasn't lying and he really couldn't rely on his speed now.) Jay couldn't contain his need for answers anymore.

"Caitlin, can we talk about something?"

"Shh. Later. After I make you feel more ashamed of yourself." she answered. She was finally relaxing a bit. She couldn't fully relax knowing that Barry was off to another crime scene (He came back from the hostage situation unharmed. She had thanked some god she didn't actually believe in.) and might return to STAR Labs bloodied and bruised and needing her immediate attention. She vaguely heard Jay laugh.

"It's adorable when you try to thrash talk and fail. I really want to talk about this so once again I concede and the great Caitlin Snow wins." Jay said trying to make his face look defeated.

"Fine. I'll just finish this last puzzle." said Caitlin who was still determined on finishing the game.

"It's about us," Jay said.

"…and how you feel about Barry and the other way around." he added after a pause.

That was more than enough to catch Caitlin's full attention.

"Not you too." Caitlin sighed.

"So I am not the only one to have noticed this. Makes me more concerned." Jay said his tone getting serious.

"Listen, Jay. Barry and I are just friends. That's the whole truth. I don't know why some people say that there's 'something more'." Caitlin said.

"Because there is. I can see it. Look, I'm really serious about what's between us," Jay said and moved closer to Caitlin.

"But I'm not convinced that you feel the same." He added

Caitlin entwined her hand with his.

"I am, Jay. I really am. What's between Barry and me is friendship. Maybe friendship that's just a little more intimate because through all the craziness since the explosion of the particle accelerator we have been there for each other. Me, Barry and Cisco. We're a team. You need to understand that. Please. Don't let that ruin how you feel about us." She said to him.

"Now Mr. I'm-Cute-When-I-Get-Jealous, are you convinced?" she continued with a smile.

"I might need a little bit more convincing." Jay playfully answered just as he leaned in for a kiss.

What she said might have convinced Jay but she failed to convince herself.

That little ball of doubt only grew just as her relationship with Jay went on. The more she tried to bury her feelings for Barry with how she felt for Jay the harder they clawed out of the layers of her heart. Until finally while looking at an unconscious Barry Allen and trying to memorize the planes of his face because who knows when will be the last time she can do this (Damn his endearing selflessness and inability to think things through.) she admitted and accepted that her heart belonged to him. Caitlin knew that she needed to end whatever there is between her and Jay soon for both of their sakes.

She had tried many times to do that and then she would change her mind just before she would do it. She was not willing to hurt Jay but she couldn't lie to herself that it was also because she was holding on to the hope that somehow what she felt for him would overpower the magnitude of feelings she felt toward the man whose heart belonged to his wonderful best friend. Now she had lost all opportunities with no way of losing this horrible guilt she feels and her heart still solely beating for the man whose arm was around her as he comforted her and tried to talk her out of her sorrow.

Author's Note: Hey guys! I'm not exactly new here in FanFiction and in the Snowbarry fandom but you're just seeing me right now because this is my first story. Ever. I just had a lot of time and this idea was popping around in my mind so why not? I'm not quite sure yet of how I'm going to let this story play out but I do have a general idea and feel as to where I want this to go. Not a lot happened in this chapter but this is just me setting the stage so you could understand how Caitlin's feeling. Other chapters will definitely be more lighthearted. Anyways, your feedback is definitely welcome and encouraged.

xx

-bookishanonymous