19

Summer 2020

New York

Maya couldn't recall when she last spent so much time in her own home.

She had grown to favour afternoons at the Matthews, basking in the warmth and cosiness of their apartment for as long as she could before she had to leave for the day. Even when her quarrels with Riley saw her storming away from the house so she could simmer down, she never once returned home. She'd walk along the streets or sit on her favourite bench in the park till the sun set and the air grew colder, and then she would finally go.

At the Matthews, she was never alone – not even for a second – and she'd find herself being constantly fussed over by Cory and Topanga, something which she appreciated since her mother was much too busy to look out for herself, let alone her daughter.

However, that reason for her to stay had since turned into one that justified why she'd been avoiding the place like a plague ever since she found out she was pregnant. She didn't think she could stand acting perfectly fine amidst the bright smiles and questions of 'how was your day, Maya?'

Because she was not okay. She was not fine.

She had a baby in her stomach, goddammit.

At about roughly five weeks pregnant, Maya's stomach was still relatively flat and unnoticeable. But she knew that she'd eventually reach a point where the bump would grow too big for her to hide, and till then, she had to do something about it.

Riley was doing a relatively good job at keeping this a secret, devoting herself over the past few days to help Maya come up with a plan. But all the girl really did was furtively skirt the edges of their options, refusing to reach any sort of solid conclusion. Maya saw this as her attempt to buy time, unwilling to admit to herself that the blonde was most likely going to choose the morally ambiguous option of those available:

Abortion.

As if Riley could hear her thoughts (a notion which was entirely plausible), she suddenly spoke up from where she was sitting on the floor.

"I think you should at least tell your mom."

Maya had expected her to say this, and was even quite surprised that she managed to hold it in for so long. Unfortunately, just because she managed to pre-empt it didn't mean she could quell the irritation that rose along with it.

She scoffed. "Yeah, and then she won't have a clue what to do so she'll just pass the burden along to your parents –"

"Who will gladly help you with it!" Riley said. "And you're not a burden, Maya. You've never been, and you never will be."

"You're right. I'm not," Maya said, looking downwards as she picked at a loose thread sticking out from a pillow cradled in her lap. "The baby is."

This brought Riley to an uneasy silence, a crease appearing between her eyebrows as the words slowly sunk in. Maya wondered what she was thinking, if she felt that it wasn't fair for an innocent, unborn child to be a cause of affliction before he or she was even born.

That was the difference between the two – Riley used he/she pronouns, while Maya simply used the word it. She realised at that moment how harsh she had probably sounded.

Maya got off her bed and planted herself opposite Riley to close the gap between them. The brunette merely looked at her, still rendered speechless by her honest brutality.

"Do you remember watching Love, Rosie?" Maya finally asked, searching for some way she could get the girl to understand a semblance of what she was going through.

"It was a nice romance," Riley muttered.

Maya shook her head; that wasn't the point.

"The girl – Rosie – she had a whole life ahead of her, a bright future. And all that had to be shoved aside because she got pregnant and chose to keep the baby. Her dreams of going to Boston University and studying what she loves, gone, in that single decision. That might be me, Riles."

"But she realized it in the end," Riley was quick to point out. "She started her own hotel."

"Yes, but it's all just part of the Hollywood glamour. Tell me, in which non-sugar-coated reality does the girl manage to give birth to a baby, get an education, snag her dream job and even keep the guy at the end of the day?"

"This reality, Maya," Riley jabbed a finger towards the floor. "The future's still unwritten. A baby's not going to change things unless you decide that it's going to."

Maya loved Riley's optimism; she loved how she could always count on her to look on the bright side and find hope even when life was bleak. But at times like this, she felt that Riley's perception could get stunted to the point of suffocation, making it seem like Maya's thoughts were wrong and cynical while hers were always right.

Maya wasn't being pessimistic. She was simply a realist, and right now she was doing everything she could to keep down the words that she wanted to spit out:

Stop trying to fix people! Look how well that turned out for you and Farkle?

She herded those thoughts to the back of her mind and remained quiet.

Meanwhile, Riley shot a glance at her watch to check the time. She cleared her throat and said, "look, my shift at Topanga's is starting soon. I have to go."

Maya nodded.

In the process of standing up, Riley got to her knees and scooped Maya's hands into her own, forcing the girl to meet her gaze.

"Promise me you won't do anything rash," she said earnestly. "We'll think of something together. We will."

Maya knew how things would turn out if she listened. The longer they waited, the greater the likelihood that it would all just end with her letting the cat out of the bag. But that wasn't what she said to Riley. Instead, she smiled.

"I promise."

Riley gave her hand a squeeze before letting go. "Are you coming over this evening?" She asked, hopeful.

"Nope, I'll see you tomorrow, pumpkin."

Riley was careful not to let her disappointment show, but Maya could still hear it in the slight dip of her voice.

"Okay," she said. "Tomorrow, then."

Maya waited for Riley to leave the house – as announced by the sound of the door clicking shut – before getting up to her feet to lock it. She stood in place for several moments, allowing herself to lay a hand against her belly.

She felt nothing, and soon there would be nothing, for all this would cease to exist, with the baby departing quietly into the abyss.

The afternoon sun blazed directly overhead as Maya stepped out of the clinic with a furtive look, eyes sweeping back and forth across the street to make sure there was no one she recognised in sight. She then hurried towards a little alley a few stores down, coming to a stop as she took a second to compose herself.

She leaned back against the brick wall, its rough surface hot even beneath the layers of her denim jacket and dress. Her palms were sweaty, the fingers on her right grabbing on tightly to a small white pill that was still encased within its blister pack. The doctor had given it to her, requesting that she swallowed it right there in the room with its walls covered by Planned Parenthood posters and complicated text charts.

But she just couldn't bring herself to do it. The numbness that had seen her through the past few days following the revelation of her pregnancy had suddenly disappeared, replaced instead, with a frenzy of overwhelming emotions that clouded her judgement and pulled her in various directions. She couldn't pop the pill like that, not when she wasn't sure of what she wanted to do anymore.

The doctor had been extremely patient about it, probably having had years of experience with fickle and frightened girls such as herself who came on a whim looking for an easy way out.

She had given Maya a look of sympathy and asked, "did you meet our counsellor before this?"

"Yes."

"And she gave you all the details regarding how these pills work?"

"Yes."

"And she answered all the questions you had?"

"Yes."

"But you're not ready," she had stated this as a matter-of-fact.

Maya stared down at the round pill that the doctor had placed on her outstretched hand. It was mifepristone, a substance that blocked the hormones needed to maintain pregnancies. After she consumed that, she would then bring home a bottle of misoprostol, to be taken around a day later to seal the baby's fate.

All this she had already read online, factual and systematic enough for her to detach herself from the situation long enough to get it over and done with. At least, that was what she'd thought until she went for the ultrasound.

It was the first thing that Maya did upon entering the abortion clinic; a procedure meant to confirm that she was less than eight weeks pregnant, and nothing more. But what she hadn't expected was the surge of fear and awe that overcame her upon seeing the black-and-white image that had been flashed on the monitor before her –

The foetus wasn't entirely visible at this stage yet, about the size of a mere pen dot attached to the edge of the yolk sac. It was still an embryo, very early in its stage of development. However, that first glimpse of the baby was enough to remind her that what she had inside of her was real and existing, enough to throw her off-balance.

"The foetus is about 1/17th of an inch," the nurse had told her as she measured its statistics. "That puts you at around 5 weeks into pregnancy, well within the safe range for a medical abortion."

"Great," Maya had murmured, but there was no sense of relief in her voice where there should have been. She just couldn't tear her eyes off the little bump; it was so, so real.

Despite this, she still managed to soldier through her talk with the counsellor as well as the health review, convincing herself that this was what was needed to be done in order to reclaim the future she had worked so hard for. It was only when it came down to the act of consuming the pill that she'd hesitated, frozen, unable to do it. Inside, a part of her yelled 'coward!'.

"Look," the doctor had finally said, placing a brown bottle filled with four tablets in front of her. "Why don't you bring both the mifepristone and misoprostol home with you? Take them when you're ready. Just remember to consume the ones in the bottle between 24 to 72 hours later."

Maya was grateful for this. She placed the bottle inside her bag but kept the single pill enclosed within her palm. "I will, thank you."

The doctor nodded. "This is a tough decision, and whatever you choose, you're going to have to bear with the consequences. It doesn't matter if you take the pills or flush them down the toilet. You've already paid for the medication. But your happiness is priceless, so be certain that you're making the right choice before it becomes final. Do what will give you the least regrets, and remember that there are many other options out there besides this. We'll be with you every step of the way."

"Thanks," Maya repeated, lifting her gaze to the doctor. She wondered how many girls had passed through this room, standing at the very crossroad she was at.

A couple of seconds passed between them before the doctor enquired, "so is there anything you would like to ask?"

"No," Maya had said, then quickly changed her mind. "I mean – yes. Can I go now?"

So there she was, standing in the alley, uncertain if she should take the pill right then. She didn't know what was stopping her; she'd been so sure that this was the path she wanted to take right up to the moment she saw the ultrasound, the first sign of evidence that there was really a tiny embryo residing in her womb.

But what was it, other than a ball of cells? Her eyes could trace no human form; it teetered on the edge between existing and not. This would be the best time to rid herself of it, before it had the chance to grow into something more. And yet, she couldn't. She didn't. She didn't know what she wanted.

Sighing, Maya pocketed the pill and turned to head back onto the street, only to crash into someone who was striding towards her. The force of the collision sent Maya stumbling backwards, but a strong arm wrapped reflexively around her waist, preventing her from falling to the ground. Another hand grabbed her elbow and yanked her back into a straightened posture, her eyes shooting up to meet steel blue.

She refocused her line of sight and found herself staring at Joshua Matthews, someone whom she didn't really see nowadays except during the holidays.

"You," she murmured the same moment he said, "Maya!"

Realising that he was still holding onto her, the girl shrugged his grip off like a coat and took a step back. Her heart leapt vicariously against her chest, but no longer for the same reasons it used to in the past. Did he know what she was in the area for?

"What are you doing here?" Maya asked almost accusatorily, regretting the question the second it left her mouth.

Josh raised an eyebrow. "I should be asking you the same question."

"I-I was just running some errands for my mom," Maya hastily replied, trying to keep her gaze level. Flitting eyes were a dead giveaway for nervousness.

"I see," Josh nodded. He appeared serious; worried, almost, which he tried to hide beneath his smile. "And you're done with that?" He asked, looking her up and down.

Maya's hand instinctively flew to her stomach, but quickly dropped back to her side as soon as she knew what she was doing. "Yeah, I'm about done," she replied, trying to feign nonchalance.

An alarm sounded in her head – she had to get out of here before she committed any more blunders. "You know what, it's great seeing you again, Josh, but I really have to go," she said as she attempted a sidestep.

However, the boy moved in the same direction and stopped her in her tracks. "You look like you haven't eaten," he said, which was indeed a fact. "I was just heading to a pretty good Mexican place for lunch. Do you want to go grab a bite? It'd be nice to know what you've been up to."

Maya crossed her arms. "Will you get off my back if I say yes?"

A wide grin formed on Josh's face. "Now there's the Maya I know," he teased. "Well, I guess you'll have to find out, won't you?"

Without another word, he resumed walking down the pavement, seemingly certain that Maya would follow him. She had half the mind to turn around and bolt, but it would just elicit more unwanted questions, so she trailed along behind him, picking up the pace till they fell into step.

They remained silent the rest of the way to the diner, which was just further down the street from where they had bumped into each other. Lunch hour had since come and gone with the working crowd, and it was now empty apart from a stray individual or two. As they entered, a tiny bell jingled over the sound of sizzling meat and frying pans hitting the stove, while the scent of glorious Mexican food wafted under their noses.

Maya's stomach grumbled. She was starving.

"What would you like to get?" Josh turned to ask her.

She glanced at him before smiling at the cashier. "One chimichanga please."

"I'll pay for the lady," Josh raised a finger to add, but Maya swatted his hand away just as he was about to slide cash across the counter.

"No, it's fine."

Josh gave her a strange look, like he was trying to figure her out. But he quickly masked his strained expression with another smile and took his turn to order a quesadilla.

After collecting their food in trays, they sat down at a corner table propped against the glass wall, which gave them a good view of the people passing by. Maya could feel Josh's gaze lingering on her every few seconds between bites of his food, and it couldn't help but spark a hint of irritation in her. She had been getting easier to agitate with each passing week, something which she attributed to the change in her hormone levels.

Ever since she'd gotten together with Lucas, Maya's crush for Josh had slowly dissipated, and he turned from someone who was once a fantasy impossible to get, to someone who was just Riley's cute uncle. It was weird at the start, seeing him walk into the Matthews' apartment and have no urge to flirt with him. Her heart no longer fluttered when he talked to her, and neither did her insides melt when she got shot one of his dazzling smiles.

In fact, he had been surprised to see her calm and disinterested the first time he came to visit after Maya and Lucas became a couple. He'd gotten so used to expecting some sort of huge reaction from her that he braced himself for another hug or giant leap onto his back. But there had been nothing. All he received was a simple 'hey', and that was how her one-sided crush ground to a halt after eight long years.

It was funny, in a way. The relationship Maya had with Josh was one formed on the basis of a crush. All of their interactions since they first met had been of a girl pining over a boy and a boy growing to accept that inevitable. Thus, when those foundations disappeared, neither of them were sure of how to act around each other. It had become…awkward, and awkward it certainly was at the table.

"So what are you doing now that you've graduated?" Maya asked, cutting the curtain of silence with her words. She rather they talked. At least that way, he had a reason to look at her and she could guess what he was thinking.

Josh placed his quesadilla down and licked his lips. She was sure the action had been unintentional, but back then, it would've sent her pulse racing. Now, it was just something which she noted with faint observance.

"I've been travelling quite a fair bit. I just came back from Europe a few days ago, actually. But right now I'm planning on finding a job to rake in some cash before I further my studies. Maybe make a film or two."

The latter wasn't surprising; he was fresh out of college with a bachelor's degree in Cinema Studies. It was the former that caught Maya's interest instead. "What are you going to study?" She asked.

"Graduate film. I'm thinking of applying to the Kanbar Institute of Film & Television," Josh said, his voice laced with an unmistakable excitement at the very mention of it.

Maya knew what that was. She had seen its name pop up while she was doing research for her own enrolment into NYU. It was a rigorous three-year postgraduate programme that focused on honing and broadening students' skills in the art of cinematic storytelling. It seemed like an incredible experience, one that only made her feel worse about herself. She didn't know if she would be able to get a degree in this state, let alone a master's.

"Wow, that's…that's impressive," she nodded. "Looks like we're going to have a future Quentin Tarantino in the Matthews' household."

"You hit it right on the nose!" Josh accorded with a grin.

"You mean he's your favourite director?"

"Definitely one that I look up to."

Maya couldn't help but break into a smile. He radiated passion; it was invigorating. It reminded her of own love for painting – a different form of art, sure, but still art nonetheless.

"I love indie films," she said. "And I love indie directors. There's just something about them that manages to capture the essence of youth and life. They don't need a big budget or CGI. Their stories and the way they are told is already so raw and gritty. Each time you watch it, you're able to catch on to a new meaning that's applicable to today's society, to us. It's amazing. And don't let me get started on the aesthetics of them."

By this point, Josh had fallen quiet, and when Maya stopped, she could see him studying her carefully. She ran a conscious hand over her hair. "What?" She asked, reverting to her previous stance.

The boy tore his gaze away, hesitant.

"What, Josh?"

"I saw you leaving the abortion clinic," he said, the words tumbling out in a hurry.

Maya's stomach clenched. Why did he have to ruin the moment? All this time she had been afraid that Riley would let slip the secret of her pregnancy, when really, she should've been watching out for herself. This was all her own doing.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied softly.

"Don't try to get your way out of this, Maya. I saw you walk out of there from across the street with my own eyes."

She glared at him in response. "And so you decided to trail me?"

"I was concerned," he retorted. "You disappeared all of a sudden so I just continued walking ahead, and that was when you emerged from the alley."

Maya averted her gaze. He'd looked so worried when she bumped into him. Was that the reason why? She contemplated telling him the truth. If he were to know about her pregnancy, she wanted it to be of her own accord, not because she was left cornered with nowhere to hide. His mouth was slightly open, the unspoken question already forming on his lips.

She sighed, looking back up at him. "Yes, I'm pregnant, if that's what you're meaning to ask. Go ahead, tell Cory and Topanga. Not like I can do anything to stop you, can I?"

Josh was taken aback by her sudden admittance, but because he had already guessed it, he was able to bounce back quicker than she'd expected him to.

"I'm not going to say a word about this to anyone, Maya," he said. "Not unless you want me to. Even then, I believe this is your news to tell."

Maya's shoulders deflated; she was exhausted from the many sleepless nights she had. "Then why are you here, Josh?"

He gave her a pressing look. "I know I'm in no position to say this, and ultimately you have every right to make your own decision since you're eighteen, but, you should think twice before aborting the baby."

He paused, as if waiting for her to speak. But when it became clear that she had nothing to say, he continued. "I just…I don't want you to look back on the choice you've made and regret it. Taking that pill, the outcome's going to be permanent."

"And so is the outcome of not taking that pill," Maya said. "I'll be carrying that baby for nine months, Josh."

"After which you can give him or her up for adoption."

"Do you think I've not thought about that? Of every route I can possibly take in this situation?"

Obviously this was something that she had considered, but the stories scared her. She heard of mothers who had planned on doing exactly that before realising they couldn't bring themselves to part with the baby after giving birth. They described it as a motherly instinct, an unbreakable bond that rendered the thought of being separated from their child unbearable.

Maya didn't dare to say this out loud, but she was afraid of loving her baby.

And what then? She would keep it, raise it, all at the expense of her own aspirations. The baby would become her future. Though if anything could be said of the motivation that had carried her through high school, it was that she wanted to live – untethered; free to pursue her dreams.

She made the appointment at the clinic because it was the simplest way out. But in spite of her determination, something had stopped her. Josh was right; a part of her knew that she would regret it, and that was the reason she didn't take the pill now sitting in the pocket of her jacket.

Josh looked slightly ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry. I've said enough. I shouldn't have pushed it."

"No," Maya shook her head. "I–"

Before she could say anything else, he got up from his seat, the chair grazing the floor with a metallic screech. "Let me take you home," he said.

Maya blinked at him confusedly.

"I'm not just going to leave you in the middle of nowhere. Pregnant or not, I'm driving you back."

"It's not that," she said, biting down on her bottom lip to suppress a smile. "It's just…" she gestured towards their table of half-eaten food, "I'm actually still quite hungry."

"Oh," Josh dropped back down onto his seat. "Right. No rush."

Maya cast him a grateful look as she resumed eating her chimichanga.

"I have one last question, though," he said after a while.

Her eyes flitted up to him. "Shoot."

"Is Lucas the father?"

Maya paused mid-chew. "Of course he is," she replied. "Who do you think I am? A whore?"

And for the first time, Joshua Matthews – intelligent, suave, always ready with a comeback – was entirely at a loss.

After they were done with their meal, Josh led Maya to his car parked just alongside the road from across the diner. It was an eighth generation Honda Civic, one that Cory had passed on to him after he purchased a new car several years back.

"It's a bit of a squeeze," he told Maya, "but it'll have to do."

"What's your dream car, then?" The girl asked as she swiped her seatbelt on.

It took Josh precisely the time needed to start the engine to give her an answer. "A range rover would be pretty cool," he said, looking her way. "So, home?"

Maya thought of Riley, and how she owed her an apology for keeping her in the dark.

"No," she said. "Let's go to Topanga's."

A/N: Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this update c: Just to give ya'll a heads up, my university is starting soon, and I'll be leaving for a five-day orientation camp tomorrow. That means I won't have any time to write, so the next chapter might come a little later than usual (because after this camp I'll also only be having a four days' break before I have to attend yet another one). So please bear with me, I'm definitely as anxious to get on writing as much as you are to get on reading :( But anyway, I'd just like to express my gratitude for all the support you readers have given thus far - both silent and non-! You really give this writer here massive drive and motivation. But anyway, do feel free to leave a review and let me know you think of this chapter! I'll see you in the next one :)