Unintended Consequences, AKA Murphy's Law is a Thing

… crack. A lot of crack, with a touch of fluff at the end. All I can say, really.

There was a lot about Sara Valestein's job that she had to get used to when she started at Thors. On the one hand, stuff like the combat training was pretty much second nature to her, so she took to it like a duck to water… much to the chagrin of most of the Thors students. On the other hand, she found herself wholly unsuited to grading papers, coming up with deadlines, and anything that remotely fell under the umbrella of admin work – to say nothing of dealing with some of her co-workers. Thank Aidios for well stocked bars.

The situation she faced now, however… well, no one in the faculty bothered telling her how to deal with crap like this. Oh nooooooooo, let the rookie teacher sort it out, what could go wrong? Jerks, the lot of them!

So, it was with carefully suppressed panic and a tense demeanor that Sara looked at Rean Schwarzer and Alisa Reinford, both students making a pointed effort to stare at the front of the Class VII homeroom and absolutely nothing else. Not at each other, not out the window, and certainly not at the instructor who was undoubtedly about to make the next few minutes of their lives tremendously uncomfortable.

"Okay," she began, with a smile so fake it physically hurt to put on. "I know that being in a military academy like this must be… stifling at times. Really, I do! And I also know that you two, as seventeen year olds, have certain – y'know, urges – "

"No," Alisa said flatly, bolting up from her chair as the dark haired boy buried his face in one palm. "No. Nope. No way. Not a chance. Not happening."

"Alisa," Rean murmured warningly, all too aware that they had little to no leeway right now.

"What? Are you telling me you actually want to sit here and listen to this?" she demanded, her voice rising with every word as she watched Rean shrug helplessly in his seat.

"Well, that's the thing," Sara chimed in brightly, her smile still plastered to her face and looking more and more painful by the second. "What you two want doesn't exactly matter right now."

"Instructor," Rean began, speaking slowly and reasonably in hopes that he could defuse the situation somewhat. It seemed to work most of the time, after all. "I can – "

"Oh no," Sara interrupted immediately, pointing at him with a manic gleam in her eyes that made him back his chair up as back as it would possibly go before it slammed into the desk behind him. "No no, Rean. You don't get to pull the 'voice of reason' card here today, mister. See, a little cuddling under a tree would have been fine. A bit of kissy kissy on a park bench? Yeah, sure, what the hell?"

"Kissy kissy?" Alisa repeated incredulously. "What are you, seven?"

"Again, that stuff would have been okay," Sara said, blowing by Alisa's interjection like she had never said anything, her speech starting to get a little faster. "A broom closet? Screw it, who hasn't been there? It's a classic!"

"O-Okay…?" Rean asked cautiously, before Sara fixed him with a glare that made him shut right up.

"All of those are fine, almost expected, especially with kids your age," she said, her voice having gone to a normal volume. "But do you know what an example might be in this case that happens to be a bridge too far?" the older woman asked, now with an eerily calm tinge to her voice that underlined just how screwed they were.

Swallowing hard, Alisa decided to answer, because there wasn't a doubt in her head that staying silent would be so much worse. "Um …using the Old Schoolhouse as a makeout spot?" she asked timidly.

"USING THE OLD SCHOOLHOUSE AS A MAKEOUT SPOT! VERY GOOD, MS. REINFORD!" Sara suddenly bellowed, slamming her hands on the desk for emphasis. "NOT BEHIND IT, NOT TO THE SIDE OF IT, BUT THE ACTUAL HAUNTED BUILDING THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE INVESTIGATING!"

They both flinched, not only at the volume but at the stark reminder of what the structure actually was. Sara, however, missed this – she was just getting warmed up.

"Holy crap guys," she continued, almost hysterical now. "I mean, let's forget about the creepy ass monsters or what might have happened if it were, oh, I don't know, Instructor Neithardt that noticed the door was unlocked and not me," she said, taking a perverse satisfaction in watching Rean and Alisa's expressions shift from worried to horrified. "Are you forgetting that I'm responsible for you while you're students here? Oh, I'm sure that your parents would like grandbabies someday, but something tells me right now would be a really horrible time!"

"All right, hold up a second!" Rean exclaimed, forcing his voice to remain steady as his instructor's slightly unhinged gaze flew to him. "It wasn't – we weren't – "

"It wasn't going that far!" Alisa added, outrage temporarily overpowering everything else as she glared right back. "Honestly!"

Sara's response was to throw up her hands in exasperation. "Who actually expects for it to go that far? For Aidios' sake, you think that most hookups in your age bracket are planned or something!?"

"I – "

"We – "

"And before you say another word," the purple haired woman ground out, wishing that she had a very strong drink – or seven – in her right about now. "Do you happen to remember where exactly your hands were when I found you, Rean? How about yours, Alisa?" she asked sweetly, and was rewarded by both teens turning bright red and shaking their heads meekly. Really, it would have been adorable if not for the circumstances, and y'know – her job. "Oh, you don't?" she asked again, and again their heads shook.

"Well, that's really funny," she said brightly, before her expression turned stormy again, "because I SURE AS HELL DO!"

"This is a really crappy time for her to start acting like a teacher," Rean bitterly mused, his eyes flicking to the door as he wondered if it might be worth it for them to run for it at this point. If worse came to worse, he had a few Smoke Grenades from the last field study…

Luckily, said door swung open and prevented the swordsman from doing anything monumentally stupid. The three occupants of the homeroom blinked as they saw Machias and Emma staring at them, the male looking confused, and the female looking concerned.

"I-I'm sorry to interrupt," Emma said, bowing slightly, totally unaware of the waves of relief rolling through Alisa and Rean. "But I was on my way back here to get a book for Machias, and well…"

"We heard Instructor Sara screaming like the hounds of Gehenna had come to collect or something," the Vice President said flatly, adjusting his glasses as he spoke. "Is everything okay?"

Goddess, how loaded was that question?

"Fine," Alisa chirped, a big smile on her face.

"Great!" Rean said, a big smile on his face.

"Super," Sara said, a big scowl on her face that made the new occupants look at each other warily.

"So you're saying everything's perfectly normal," the green haired boy began.

"Yup!" the swordsman and archer said simultaneously, their grins now so bright they could probably outshine the sun.

"… and there's no reason why Alisa and Rean are smiling like demented theatre puppets and you like you want to drink yourself into a worse than usual stupor?" Machias continued carefully, and Emma chuckled weakly before she added in her two mira.

"I probably would have phrased it differently, but something does seem amiss. Is there anything we can do to help? As President and Vice President, we're certainly supposed to render assistance whenever we can."

"Nope!" Alisa said, the unsettlingly happy smile still on her face as Rean nodded furiously all the while. "Everything's good here!"

"… You're sure?" the green haired boy voiced skeptically, and he jumped when an exasperated Sara slammed her hands on the desk again.

"Yes!" she cried out frantically, seemingly unaware of the looks that Machias and Emma were now sending each other. "What's with the third degree? Everything's fiiiinnnnne! After all, it's not like I walked in on these two tonsil jousting in the abandoned building that also happens to be totally dark, atmospheric and probably haunted, noooooo sir!"

Dead silence, until…

"What?!" Machias demanded, his jaw dropping.

"What?!" Emma repeated, her eyes widening as her cheeks broke into a flush.

"I-Instructor~!" Alisa choked out, the blonde's crimson eyes now wide with panic and disbelief. Rean, meanwhile, just let out a long, low groan and placed his head in his hands, grimly accepting that his day was not getting better any time soon. Sara, to her credit, did somehow manage to look absolutely stunned, horrified, and regretful all at the same time when she registered exactly what she had said.

"I-I didn't mean to!" she said frantically, waving her hands furiously as if that would fix the damage. "They were coming on too strong, I broke!"

"Coming on too strong? How is them awkwardly asking if we need help *remotely* coming on too strong!?" Alisa borderline shrieked, leading to an indignant retort from Machias.

"Aha! I knew there was something going on! And furthermore, how was there anything awkward about it?" he demanded.

"Not… not really the point here," Emma murmured faintly, before turning to the three. "So… you two got caught… um…"

"In the Old Schoolhouse, yes," Rean confirmed tiredly, sparing the brunette the fate of trying to stutter out what they were been caught doing (or worse, trying to come up with a euphemism). "The instructor actually summed it up pretty well."

"What he said," Alisa admitted, looking drained as she plopped back in her seat.

"Sorry guys," Sara apologized, a genuinely contrite air about her.

"Oh, my…" Emma breathed, her face still red.

"Well done," Machias murmured quietly, sounding impressed – something that vanished quite quickly when Emma immediately turned on him, her look of embarrassment having been replaced with an expression that men the world over would instinctively recognize as 'what the hell?'

"Um, that is to say… I-I mean well done in not allowing any of the more monstrous denizens to get the drop on you during your rendezvous, questionable as it may have been! That shows commendable situational awareness on both your parts, I think," the Vice President rattled off, somehow managing to get all that out with a reasonably straight face.

"Eh. I've heard worse, especially under duress. A+ for effort! It's better than what I would have come up with," Sara commented drolly as Emma's expression morphed into an uncharacteristic glare. At her desk, Alisa couldn't help but roll her eyes. At least Rean wouldn't be the only male to get in trouble today.

"Machias?" Rean spoke, wearily looking up. "Nice attempt at a save – emphasis on attempt - but do us a favor. Stop helping."

"I… I suppose that's for the best," the bespectacled boy nodded with as much dignity as he could muster, all too aware of his counterpart's sapphire eyes trying to bore their way through him. "Y-You can stop looking at me like that now, you know!"

"Oh, I think not," she replied peevishly, crossing her arms while looking supremely unimpressed. "Well done, huh?"

The sound of footsteps from the doorway made everyone turn then, giving Machias a temporary reprieve, and five looks of bewilderment greeted Elliot, Laura, and Fie as they made their way into the room.

"Oh, good! It appears as though we're not late to the proceedings," Laura said smoothly, nodding to everyone in greeting as she sat down at her usual spot. Sara blinked twice, confused.

"Uh… proceedings?" she repeated dumbly, not quite sure what the Arseid successor was getting at.

"Well, yes," the blue haired girl assented, sounding surprised. "I'd heard from some other first years that roughly half of Class VII was present in homeroom, so I assumed there was a meeting scheduled that I simply missed or forgot about. And when I ran into Elliot and Fie on the way…"

"Wait, that's why you're here?" Elliot asked, clearly not on the same wavelength as his friend. Beside him, Fie… well, judging by the way she tilted her head it was possible she was puzzled as well, though she'd used that head tilt for everything from 'naptime?' to 'this looks like a safe place for munitions storage' so who really knew?

"Correct," Laura answered, looking at the smaller boy quizzically. "Is that not why you were on your way with Fie?

"No, not at all!" the redhead told her, suddenly looking very sheepish. "The thing is… well, there's a bit of gossip going around, people said there was a bunch of yelling from here a few minutes ago, and, uh… "

Fie spoke up then. "We came to warn you two about the rumor going around that you guys were busted in the Old Schoolhouse," the ex-jaeger informed them bluntly, her eyes widening slightly as she saw the two in question pale significantly. "What's wrong?"

"How do you know about that!?" Alisa yelped, jumping to her feet.

"Wait, it's true?" Elliot yelped right back. As for everyone else, Laura looked stunned, Fie looked like Fie, Sara tried to hide a small grin, and Rean gloomily turned toward the window, yearning for his (sorta) carefree life that would probably never be again after this day was over.

"… No?" the blonde replied, her voice cracking on the single syllable. Emma walked over to her, looking sympathetic.

"Sorry," the bespectacled girl apologized, patting her on the hand. "But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that sounded about as convincing as our Vice President's utterly shameless dodge from earlier," she continued, turning another dirty look on Machias.

"Now see here! I-I happen to resent the implication that there was any questionable subtext to my statement – "

"Oh, shut up," she huffed, the resemblance to an angry Alisa absolutely uncanny as she turned away, and Elliot could only stare open mouthed at Machias, who for his part gave a weak shrug.

"I supposed I should call back Jusis and tell him that I was… er, mistaken," Laura began, only to be interrupted by the blonde in question.

"Save your breath. We're here already," Jusis called out, as he strode into the room with Gaius not far behind. "So from what I understand, we're congregating not because of any meeting but because two of our number have a bit of a libertine streak and can't remember to lock a door?"

"For Aidios' sake," Rean muttered, wondering if he had done something to make the goddess angry recently. Really, all the Student Council work and THIS was how the world decided to show gratitude? What about giving Celine milk, or helping people with tasks that hadn't even been on Towa's list? Did karma count for nothing now?

"Condolences, you two. The winds did not blow kindly in your direction today," Gaius opined, and Alisa closed her eyes and slowly started counting to ten, figuring that if she had something to occupy her mind with it might keep her from murdering someone when all was said and done.

'Might', mind you.

"Oh wonderful, the whole's gang's here," Sara muttered sarcastically, wondering just how the hell the situation had spiraled out of control to this extent. Oh right, Rean and Alisa had decided it was a good idea to use a shapeshifting building as a date spot. How people's decisions came back to bite them, she mused.

"We are, but from the look of things, we don't have to be. Permission to return to our activities? I was in the middle of horse grooming, Gaius had to be pulled from a painting that looked to be progressing splendidly, and I'm sure the rest of you – " he paused, his eyes landing on Machias. "Well, maybe not Regnitz, but I'm sure everyone else had means of productively spending the rest of the day that were otherwise interrupted."

Only Emma hastily grabbing his arm kept Machias from an annoyed rejoinder, and Sara sighed heavily as she massaged her forehead, wishing more and more her headache had come from sweet, sweet booze instead of teenage hormones running wild. "Yeah, yeah – look, this entire thing got bigger then it was supposed to anyway, so we can all just forget about it; I've said my piece and made my point," she said, fixing Rean and Alisa with a significant look, and she was satisfied the pair at least had the good grace to look sheepish.

"Okay, I think the finish line to the crappiest day of our school lives is in sight," Rean murmured to Alisa quietly, and the blonde nodded in relief.

"No kidding, huh?" she replied, grateful that the worst appeared to be over. "Our entire class is here and they all know now, so I can't imagine anything else would happen. I mean, what else could?"

A loud, foreboding crack echoed throughout the room as the door suddenly swung open again, this time hard enough to slam into the wall with an impact that nearly tore it off its hinges. Seconds later, a lavender haired young woman in a maid outfit slowly walked in, her gaze totally focused on the young man beside her charge.

"Ah, Master Rean. A moment of your time?" Sharon greeted pleasantly, with enough steel behind her words to send even the most hardened bracer running for cover. As if on cue, the rest of the brave, valiant members of Class VII simultaneously took several steps back to let the new arrival stalk her prey unimpeded.

"Oh. Oh. Oh no," Alisa moaned.

"You had to tempt fate," Rean mumbled, swallowing hard as Sharon approached them, the unsettling smile never once leaving the maid's face.

"So," the Reinford maid began mildly, crossing her arms and looking down at the young man. "It has come to my attention that both you and Lady Alisa are at the centre of a rather… unsavory rumor currently circulating the school grounds."

"… You don't say," Rean chuckled weakly, only to stop abruptly when he saw the dark look in her eyes and felt a wave of intimidation wash over him, the likes of which he hadn't experienced since his Eight Leaves training. "This… this feeling…!"

"Her aura…" Laura whispered fiercely, feeling the surge in the air. "It's terrifying…!"

"Yep," Fie commented, nodding at Laura's declaration. "Rean's not gonna be in for a pleasant time."

"Now, far be it from me to make presumptions about Lady Alisa's choices based on hearsay," Sharon continued, pointedly ignoring the effect she was having on everyone else in the room. "So I'm going to take this time to inquire about the exact nature of the events, if that's quite all right with everyone."

"If he answers 'no', how bad's the condition of the body going to be?" Fie piped up, and sure enough Sharon favored the gunsword specialist with a faint smile.

"Come now, don't be silly – I wouldn't leave a body. Too much trouble," she replied easily, and as Alisa's head slammed into the desk Rean found himself measuring the distance to the door again, wondering if they could make it before –

"You wouldn't, fast as you are. Neither would Lady Alisa. Please don't try, Master Rean."

"Alisa, you are without a doubt the most amazing girl I've ever met, but your maid is absolutely terrifying and I think she's going to kill me either way, so…"

"All right, all right, enough," Sara's annoyed voice cut through, and her irritated gaze met Sharon's head on. "Before you continue with your thinly veiled threats on my student, I should probably ask what the rumor you heard was."

"Oh yes, that's a good idea. Well, the latest version I've been informed of involved Master Rean and Lady Alisa carrying on torrid rounds of fornication all over campus – "

Laura's jaw dropped. "Wait a moment, how exactly did the story go from what actually happened to… well, that?" she asked.

Jusis snorted. "In a school filled with people our age? They're lucky enough that the plot hasn't jumped ahead to children out of wedlock."

"Let me cut you off there," Sara sighed, giving sympathetic glances to the couple in question whose faces currently matched their uniforms. "What you just said? Didn't happen. Caught 'em necking in the Old Schoolhouse, s'about it."

Almost immediately the sense of imminent danger vanished, much to the relief of the room's occupants.

"Ah," she said jovially, as if her very presence hadn't been threatening Rean's impending death. "Well, isn't that a relief. May I please borrow someone's ARCUS, if it's not too much trouble?"

Wordlessly Gaius removed his from his pocket and handed it to Sharon, who nodded her thanks and proceeded to dial.

"Not that I'm not happy to have the pressure off, but who do you think she's calling, Alisa?" Rean wondered, only to see the archer's eyes wide with horror. "Alisa?" he repeated, feeling a renewed sense of dread.

"She wouldn't… no… no, please, don't tell me…"

"Lady Irina," Sharon spoke crisply into the receiver, and Rean once again found his head buried in his hands as Alisa sank back into her chair, mortified beyond all words.

"Wow," Machias uttered, wincing. Beside him, Emma could only do the same.

Elliot nodded slowly. "Yeah, I can't even imagine being in their shoes right now."

"Heh. Well uh… look on the bright side Rean, conversations with the in-laws are always awkward! Might as well get used to it now, right?" Sara chuckled weakly while Sharon continued her… report, for lack of a better term.

"Correct. Yes, the latest intelligence was wrong… that appears to be the case. You know how kids can be… at any rate, you can rest easy Chairman. Contrary to the initial reports, your daughter's virtue remains more or less undefiled…"

"Undefiled!?" the blonde practically howled, and not for the first time Rean found himself wishing that he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. Bareahard. Celdic. Unconscious and bleeding in a field somewhere, possibly. No, wait, scratch that last one; Alisa's mother was Irina Reinford and she could probably make that happen, Schwarzer name be damned…

"… mm. Understood. I'll continue monitoring the situation," Sharon finished, flipping the ARCUS shut and handing it to Gaius, who looked like he was torn between being stunned and very, very amused.

"Thank you," she said pleasantly, curtsying to everyone before turning around to leave. "I regret any undue trouble this may have caused you, and I'm glad that the rumor turned out to be nothing more than that! I should have known Master Rean and Lady Alisa would know better than to engage in such conduct. My sincere apologies, you two."

Sara barely manage to repress a scoff. "Keep telling yourself that. I get there thirty minutes later and who the hell knows?"

"Apology accepted," the Eight Leaves initiate choked out, his words still muffled by his hands and his head filled with visions of an armed and homicidal Irina Reinford, glasses glinting as she moved in for the kill.

Through some miracle of sheer willpower, Alisa managed to force a smile on her face that looked halfway genuine. "That's… that's quite all right, Sharon. I'm assuming you'll be going back to your duties at the dorm now?" she inquired, her eyebrow twitching every so often.

"Of course, my lady," Sharon assured her, as she turned to leave. "Oh, but before I go – feel free to keep dabbling in what happened today. It should be good for your relationship so long as it doesn't go past that~!"

"GET OUT!" the Reinford heiress roared, her eyes flashing wildly, and the maid merely smiled her enigmatic smile as she flounced out of the room.

The room was once again filled with blessed, blessed silence. That is until…

"Did you two kill someone in a past life and the Goddess is just making you pay for it in this one?" Machias asked, shaking his head while failing miserably to hide a tiny smile.

"Maybe?" Rean answered weakly, while Alisa wearily closed her eyes and resumed counting.

"Normally, I'd try to look for explanations that don't involve divine punishment," Gaius began, shaking his head, "But this is a little too capricious to be more than just coincidence."

"W-Well, I mean in Sharon's case I guess it's kind of understandable," Elliot began, hastily making his way behind Fie and Laura as the maid's charge turned a borderline murderous glare on him. "Wait a sec, hear me out! Isn't she kind of like your big sister Alisa? I mean, I haven't met enough people with siblings to compare, but my big sister's always been really protective of me."

"To the point where she's threatened to kill suitors and not leave evidence behind?" Jusis asked, obviously a little amused himself.

"I'd like to think Sharon was joking about what she said," Emma sighed, "but with that look in her eyes and the competence in everything else she does…"

"True," Laura chimed in, a serious weight in her words. "That pressure she was emitting was ominous, to say the least."

"Better be careful, Rean," Fie warned, only the sparkle in her green eyes betraying her mirth as she took a page out of their teacher's book and gave the musician a pat on the head, mouthing 'good boy'. "You're on what we in the jaeger business call a 'watch list' now."

"Thank you Fie," the dark haired boy grumbled. "Your concern means a lot."

"Anyway," Elliot continued, barely stifling a laugh while he swiped at the smaller girl's hand. "All I'm saying is that I kind of get where Sharon's coming from with the extreme big sister act."

"Yeah," Fie said, nodding her head. "And if anyone should be on board with that, it'd be you, Rean."

"Wait a second, what the hell's what supposed to mean?" Rean demanded indignantly, only to hear a snicker come from beside him. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Alisa assured him, feeling a little lighter now that the world had seemingly paused in its efforts to break them over its metaphorical knee via complete and total humiliation. "It's just… well, let's say Patrick tried to start dating Elise. How would you react?"

His answer was instantaneous. "Oh, he'd die."

"Body or no body?" Gaius quipped.

"I say he'd leave a body. It'd serve as a warning for others," Sara replied smoothly.

"All right Elliot, you win," Alisa deadpanned, looking over at the redhead while Laura started laughing. "I guess I shouldn't be so sore over Sharon's sibling instincts if Rean's are just as bad."

"Knew Elise was gonna stay single for the rest of her life," Fie cracked.

"Hey, Patrick's a special case," Rean defended, only to be interrupted by his ARCUS going off. Quickly opening it with a motion honed by Student Council induced repetition, he answered "Hello, this is – "

"Rean Schwarzer, you magnificent bastard!" a familiar voice bellowed jubilantly.

"Oh good," Alisa muttered, glaring at the desk sullenly as Rean took a deep, cleansing breath as he petitioned Aidios for patience. "Crow knows."

"Write a letter, make a phone call, tell a Thors student," Sara sighed, remembering all too well the nature of academy gossip. "Hate to say it, but unless Misty decides to take pity on your poor souls you're probably going to end up on the next Abend Time at this rate."

"Lemme tell ya; I was starting to get worried when it kinda looked like you'd taken a vow of celibacy even with all the fine specimens in your year, but damn son – way to prove a man wrong! The Old Schoolhouse?" Crow continued, missing the room-wide cringe that Sara's last sentence caused.

"We're not having this conversation. In fact, we're never having this conversation," Rean told the second year flatly in a tone that left no room for argument.

"Oh, c'mon man! Share the – huh? What?" Crow asked someone on the other end – Rean had no idea who, the voice was too muffled.

"Don't be dumb, the both of us can't talk on one – well, George has a second one kicking around here somewhere! Can't you just use that?"

"In the Engineering Building, I take it?" the swordsman asked dryly.

"Hey, I'm not out winning Blade money, so where else would I be?" Crow shot back, as Alisa's ARCUS went off. "That's for you guys too, by the way. Crank the volume to max on both the units, it'll make things easier."

Alisa looked uneasily at the device before she gave in and answered the call. "Hello – "

"Alisa Reinford, you scandalous trollop! Who knew you had it in you?"

"I was wondering where Angelica was," Rean sighed, watching his girlfriend's face turn a blazing red. "Managed to hear that from here," he called out, raising his voice.

"Zip it! I've got half a mind to kick the crap out of you for taking the fair Reinford maiden off the market y'know – but then again, I guess I can make do with the selection that's left. After all, who can resist a woman with a rebound on her agenda?"

"She truly has no shame," Machias muttered, shaking his head.

Jusis made a face. "We hardly share common ground on most topics, but I readily concede full agreement on this particular one."

"Don't know what to say, Angelica," Rean commented, snickering in spite of himself. "Not apologizing, though."

"Be disappointed if you did!" Crow chimed in. "So, buddy, pal – details?"

The sound of Rean snapping his ARCUS shut with a flourish was answer enough, though the exasperated look on his face made it clear he knew that this wasn't over yet.

Sure enough, though comparatively quieter than when it was coming from Rean's ARCUS, "That's cold, man! Cold with a capital 'C'!"

"Yeah, you're gonna to have to try harder than that, considering he's like right next to me and can yell his butt off," Angelica teased. "But listen - don't you worry about me! My heart will go on, and let me tell you; I already have ways to cope with this heartbreaking defeat."

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this," Alisa grumbled.

"First, the obvious rebound…s. Second, I suppose I can settle for living vicariously through the much more salacious though also much more fictional version of events that will eventually be distributed by Dorothee – "

"Wait, the Literature Club head?" Rean asked skeptically as Emma blanched. "What exactly does she have to do with this?"

"You don't know?" Crow's voice came through this time. "It's sort of an open secret that a lot of her work is… shall we say, based on true stories. Kinda."

A brief pause. "Well, real people, anyway. Look, just don't be surprised if the Literature's Club next big underground hit involves a rich blonde heiress hooking up with another chick that might or might not resemble you if you had long hair and boobs. Or you know, made a maaaaaaaaaajor lifestyle choice."

A second later, the sound of deep yet hysterical laughter was heard in the far the background of the call. "Oh yeah, George says hi."

If his Eight Leaves training hadn't given Rean a significant amount of experience in keeping his inner equilibrium balanced, he may have just burst into tears right then and there, masculinity be damned. As it stood, he settled for gritting his teeth and glaring at no one in particular. "Wonderful. Great. Fantastic. This day is the gift that just keeps on giving, isn't it!?" he groused.

"Aren't there supposed to be slander laws against this kind of thing?" Alisa asked next, though not quite as ferociously as Rean did; as sad as it was, she couldn't find it in herself to get too annoyed. A: she was already quite used to Angelica's unique brand of chaos, and B: well, compared to Sharon informing her mother about *all* aspects of her fledgling love life, being a co-star with her gender swapped boyfriend in an upcoming pawn shop special didn't even rate.

Meanwhile, Machias was now looking at Emma with a look of sheer incredulity on his face. "Please don't tell me that's all your club does."

"Of course it's not!" she exclaimed defensively, her pitch a few octaves higher than it otherwise might be.

"She's telling the truth," Angelica admitted casually. "After all, travesty as it is girl on girl isn't exactly the hottest seller – now, the male version of the love that dare not speak its name, on the other hand…"

"Don't remind me," came the swordsman's plea, remembering all too well his initial exposure to Dorothee's… tastes when he had volunteered to help Emma proofread that one day.

"Relax, would you? You aren't in nearly as many of those -"

"Because that's so comforting!" Rean snapped, trying really hard to ignore the very thoughtful look of interest on Alisa's face.

"– not with her real popular stuff going hand in hand with that class separation BS. I actually got a sneak peek of what she was working on, think the plot of the latest draft had the youngest crown prince of the royal family discovering the sweet taste of forbidden fruit with a delicate red-headed musician from Heimdallr – "

"W-Why does that second character have such a specific description?" Elliot asked weakly, all color gone from his face.

"Dunno," Fie answered, looking intrigued at the mention of the prince. "It's got my attention, though."

"F-Fie!" Elliot managed in a strangled gasp, as Laura and Gaius patted him on the shoulder comfortingly while Angelica continued unhindered.

"Then of course, we also have the work that put her on the map way back at the start of the semester, 'The Duel to the Little Death' - the obscenely tragic yet smoking hot tale of a Noble scion from the Verdant City and a Reformist upstart from the mean streets of the Ost District."

You could have heard a pin drop.

"Oh Goddess no," Emma breathed faintly, her traitorous brain now gleefully playing out every worst case scenario she had ever thought of.

"And here I thought most just saw the same ideology and personality clashes that we did," Laura noted in an almost clinical manner. "Interesting that others would take the exact opposite conclusion."

"Interesting," Elliot repeated, still looking like he had stared into the abyss and found it staring back. "That's one word, sure."

"Can't say I saw that coming," Sara muttered, eyeing the now poleaxed Albarea with more amusement than she probably should have. How exactly did this situation escalate into the discussion of thinly veiled caricatures of her students in the Literature Club's underground erotica?

"So," Machias said icily, his eyes suddenly obscured behind a wall of opaque glare despite him being nowhere near a light source. "'Thors Literary Club member' is the official name for 'unrepentant smut peddler' now, is it?"

"T-That's hardly – I mean she's – you're – I can't control what she writes!" the brunette finally wailed in protest, her face a bright shade of red.

Rean, on the other hand, had a look of consternation on his face. "…As much as I'd like to avoid digging up buried memories, that title does sound distressingly familiar for some reason."

"Dorothee told me that you were kind enough to volunteer to help Emma with proofreading one time – I think that was the first story you helped with," Angelica mused, before a loud burst of laughter interrupted her.

"You helped?" Crow somehow managed to choke out between his guffaws and gasps for air.

"You helped?" Alisa parroted, a small grin on her face.

"You helped?!" Machias demanded of a different target, and the long, pitiful groan was answer enough.

"Hey!" Rean defended, holding up his hands as if to ward off the accusations. "Emma looked like she needed another set of eyes, all right? It's not like I knew what I was getting into, just like she and I didn't know that it was actually about – "

"DON'T SAY IT!" Jusis thundered, the blonde finally having recovered enough of his faculties to verbalize his wrath.

"… A Noble. A Noble and a Reformist, both who I'm absolutely positive have no basis in reality and share no similarities with any members from Class VII that might be standing in this very room," Rean finished robotically in what truth be told was only the second worst save in Thors history.

"Yeah! I mean, sure she cribs a lot of character notes from real people, but there are still some differences! Like the Noble's the one to play chess, and the Reformist is the one who likes grooming horses, or whatever the hell it is Albarea does when he's not busy reminding Patrick what a little bitch he is."

"Huge difference there Angie," Crow cracked, embracing the chaos for all it was worth. "That's gonna hide who they're based off for suuuuuuuuuure!"

"It might!" Emma tried valiantly, though every bit of her posture and body language indicated that she knew it was a losing battle. "I mean, take the Reformist character and contrast against Machias - he's never even thought about the Riding Club!"

"You wouldn't say that if you'd paid more attention to chapter seven during editing," Angelica quipped as Crow lost himself in another fit of hysterics, Machias glowered silently, and Emma decided it was her turn to hide her head in her hands.

"Literature has been ruined," Jusis announced in a tone that was as close to utterly defeated as anyone in Class VII had heard from the proud young man, before turning on his heel and striding toward the door. "Literature has been ruined and I'm leaving."

"Oh, c'mon! Don't be such a – uh oh…"

"Aw, crap."

Alisa blinked. "Uh oh? What happened?"

"If I had to take a guess," Rean replied, a small smirk growing as he rapidly tried to figure out what could get Crow and Angelica to react like that and only coming up with one answer, "I'd say Towa just showed up."

True to his prediction, the next few seconds were filled with three varying levels of discussion and protest before the Student Council President's high pitched voice came over the ARCUS. "Something tells me that I owe everyone listening a bit of an apology," Towa began, sounding a little embarrassed.

"Not at all," Alisa giggled, waving her hand despite the smaller girl not being able to see. "After the day we've had, the laughs were definitely welcome."

"Yeah," Rean was quick to assure her. "No harm, no foul. Besides, it's not like I didn't already know that only half your little quartet is sane."

"Thanks," Towa said, relieved, before a brief pause. "Rean, Alisa – "

"Sara read us the riot act," Alisa admitted without hesitation. "It goes without saying. We'll… use better judgment in the future," she finished delicately.

"If only to avoid another day like this," he muttered under his breath, jumping slightly when Alisa jabbed him. "Ow!"

"I'm glad to hear it," Towa said kindly, either having not heard him or having simply chosen to take pity. "Ordinarily I might be a bit skeptical with just a verbal guarantee, but I know I can trust you both from here on out."

"You can. We promise," Rean asserted, and behind him Sara nodded in silent approval.

"Good. On that note, I'll let you go so I can deal with these two," Towa told them flatly, ignoring the token protests she heard in the background. "Yes George, you're safe! Oh, and before I head off… I don't know long how this has been going on for, but congratulations, you two. I'm happy for you," she finished warmly.

A click signaled the end of the call, and both Rean and Alisa couldn't help but glance at each other shyly, neither willing to break the spell and acknowledge what Towa had said quite yet.

Which of course left it to the resident teacher. "Oh, c'mon!" she exclaimed loudly, snapping the couple out of their trance. "You can barely look at each other right now after what I caught you doing earlier?"

"You really know how to torch a mood, huh Instructor?" Alisa sniped, though without any real anger.

"It's my job, especially considering today," she shrugged casually, before she gave both teens a genuinely heartfelt smile. "Towa's right though – with all the nasty official responsibility stuff done with, this does call for congratulations."

"I'm so happy for you both!" Emma said, clutching her hands to her chest, her embarrassment forgotten.

"A truly fitting match," Laura declared, giving them both a firm nod.

"One that I'm sure the winds and Goddess look upon with favor," Gaius added.

"Aww. You guys are taking all the good stuff," Fie frowned, before giving them a small cat-like grin. "But that doesn't mean I feel any differently."

"... I stand by everyone else's sentiments," Machias mumbled, drawing a giggle from Emma.

"Again, while he and I may disagree on virtually everything under the sun this is another opinion I can admit we have in common," Jusis said next, not even his sulky demeanor taking away from the truth.

"I don't know why you wanted to keep it a secret, but hey – we're all psyched for you two! Congratulations again!" Elliot finished, a big grin on his face.

"Y-You guys…!" Alisa mumbled, her complexion bright red as she tried to keep a gigantic smile off her face.

"Thank you all," Rean said warmly, standing up to squeeze the blonde's shoulder affectionately. "And we didn't really mean to keep it a secret – it just kind of… well, happened."

"Neither one of us have a whole lot of experience with this," the archer admitted, her cheeks still tinted pink with embarrassment. "So we figured it was a good idea to stay discreet, at least at first."

"Makes sense," Elliot replied easily. "Especially considering some of the people at this place that aren't - y'know, us."

"Some?" Fie repeated dryly.

"Only some," Laura deadpanned, her stoic front only lasting a second before she broke down and smiled again.

"Still find your definition of 'discretion' funny, though," Sara teased, and was rewarded by both her charges blushing once more. "But you've learned your lessons, I think."

"No kidding," Rean readily agreed.

"How long are you going to hold this over us, by the way?" Alisa asked suspiciously, her crimson eyes narrowed.

"Dunno… till you die, probably?" the purple haired woman answered with a show of mock thought. "I mean, let's face it; it's the kind of thing you'd find hilarious unless it happened to you."

"Least she admits her hypocrisy," Rean murmured, causing Alisa to smile involuntarily. "That's the first step, or so I've been told."

"I heard that!" Sara retorted, before shrugging in resignation. "But after the day you've had, I figure I can let it slide."

She was about to say more before she caught sight of Fie smirking. "What's up, Fie?"

The petite girl promptly pointed at the sullen Jusis in response. "He wants to be gone so badly right now," the ex-Jaeger chuckled.

"She's not wrong," he growled through gritted teeth. "Permission?"

Sara waved airily. "Granted. Go do whatever, everyone!"

Jusis would have set land-speed records had anyone timed his rapid exit, and Fie couldn't resist one last tweak. "Later, Jusis. Have fun riding."

"Don't fall off the horse and break your arm or anything, Aidios forbid you ever do me a favor," Machias grumbled, having recovered just enough to come up with a parting shot.

Gaius grinned broadly. "You seem better, Machias."

"Define 'better', please."

"Well, it appears as though matters here have all been wrapped up," Laura said coolly, her serious demeanor once again back in place. "If nothing else is required of us – and I hope for the sake of Rean and Alisa nothing is – then I'll most likely go to the gym. Is anyone interested in a spar?"

"I'll come," Fie volunteered, the petite girl holding up her hand. "You come too, Elliot."

Saying the musician was surprised was a massive understatement. "Wait, what? Why me? It's hard enough for me to keep up as is working with you guys, I don't think I'd be much of a challenge fighting either of you one on one!"

She shrugged before she reached to the sky in an exaggerated yawn, her half lidded gaze coming back down on the orbal staff wielder. "Because if you get hit hard enough you might just forget everything about the book that you're going to be starring in soon."

"And on second thought, sparring sounds great. Just settle for knocking me out and not killing me, okay?" Elliot asked anxiously.

Fie tilted her head enigmatically. "I'll do my best. Can't promise anything, though."

"I'll come too, then," Gaius decided upon seeing that Elliot wasn't exactly reassured. "We can make it two on two and switch it up afterwards."

Laura nodded enthusiastically. "A splendid idea! We can consider this a run through for our next practical exam. Would anyone else like to come along?"

"I think we're good," Alisa answered, waving a hand. "After this afternoon, I think we've had all the stress we can take."

"What she said," Rean followed up, making a face.

"…" chimed in Machias, who had once again returned to glaring at nothing in particular, much to Emma's nervous laughter.

"Well, should you change your mind, you're all welcome," the blue haired girl intoned, before turning and leading the group out. "See you later, Instructor."

The Purple Lightning waved jovially. "Later guys! I look forward to seeing what this training does for your practical scores!"

"What're you guys gonna do?" the dark haired boy piped up, looking at the President and Vice President. "Keep us company, or…?"

"W-Well," Emma began delicately, still flicking her gaze at her counterpart every so often. "I did come to give him a book, so I should probably do that first…"

"That's all right," Machias replied in a surprisingly calm manner. Perhaps a bit too calm, all things considered. "Don't worry about it for now."

Well, she certainly didn't see that coming. "Wait, really?" she asked, more than a little stunned by his sudden 180.

"Oh, of course," came his airy reply, waving a hand in dismissal. "It's certainly not a problem. It can wait until tomorrow; right now, I think I'm going to head to the Chess Club and see if there's anyone there. A game might help me wind down after hearing… well."

"That sounds like a *great* idea!" she chirped brightly, unaware that the other three occupants in the room were raising their eyebrows. "Play two or three, even!"

"We'll see," the boy replied shrewdly, a resolute air about him now. "I'll see everyone later."

Emma waited before he had left to heave a big sigh of relief, looking like she wanted to collapse. "Thank goodness that's over," she murmured. "They both reacted about as well as I thought they might, but at least Machias seems to have calmed down a little – what? Why are you all staring at me like that?" she asked, unnerved by the simultaneous looks of amusement and pity.

"You're just gonna let him take off alone?" Sara asked skeptically.

"I don't see why not! He probably still needs to go blow off some steam, and what better way for him to do that than to play – oh. Ohhhh."

A beat as the likely truth of the matter sank in – after all, chess was undoubtedly many things, but a good way to relieve stress was not one of them.

"He's… he's not going to the Chess Club, is he?" she asked the group weakly, and as a unit they shook their heads in the negative.

"Even if he is," Rean began, "considering what club room is a door across the hall from it…"

"I have to go," Emma said quickly, grabbing her bag and preparing to speed off, the familiar look of panic now back on her face.

"Good luck," Alisa told her friend. "Something tells me Dorothee's going to need a lot of it."

"Better hope you can reign in the Vice Prez from doing anything dumb before Jusis calms down enough to have the same idea," Sara cracked. "Dealing with those two on the same warpath would be a challenge worthy of the Imperial Army."

"And just how am I supposed to do that!?" Emma cried, clearly not relishing what she viewed to be an unwinnable battle.

The blonde shrugged. "He's a teenage guy, you're a teenage girl. You're also both very pretty people. I'm sure you can figure out something."

Sara fixed Alisa with a warning look as Emma's face exploded into a sea of red at the implication, the bespectacled girl shakily bowing to everyone before she bolted towards the door. "I swear Alisa, if I end up having to give that same talk again – "

"You won't," Rean chuckled, patting his uniform jacket pocket. "How're they gonna get in to the Schoolhouse? I've got the key, remember?"

"All. Too. Well," came the swift reply, and she didn't bother to hide her smirk when they started blushing again. "Well, like I said earlier before Sharon barged in; I've said my piece. The school isn't so unreasonable as to ban relationships among the student body, and I'm willing to overlook more than I should just so I can stick it to Instructor Heinrich, but the 'using the Schoolhouse' thing can't happen again, understood?"

"Yes, Instructor," the pair answered simultaneously.

"You're also going to have to put with a lot of crap for the next while thanks to how the student gossip mill works, but I'm sure you already know that. Luckily Principal Vandyck's a reasonable man, so don't expect any formal punishment or anything, especially in light of your exceptional service and this being a first strike. I'm pretty sure that today was bad enough. Plus, he still needs you guys to explore the hell out of that creepy place, so…"

"We'd have asked to continue even if he did want us to stop," Rean told Sara, fire in his eyes now. "Class VII's come too far with this task to quit now!"

"And yet you didn't think of that before this afternoon~!" Sara sang, before shaking her head in an odd mix of bemusement and pride. "Still, that's the kind of attitude I want to see."

A brief period of silence.

"Feel free to go drink now," Alisa volunteered.

"Thank Aidios!" came the ecstatic bellow as the ex-bracer practically flew toward the exit, visions of hops and barley dancing in her head with her two remaining students shaking their heads all the while. "But before I forget – congratulations again. Be happy and stay happy, okay? There's enough crap going on in the Empire that those who are lucky enough find contentment should hold onto it with everything they have, never letting it go."

And before either could respond to her last statement, Sara had gone, leaving only the weight of her words in her wake.

"… She can say some nice things, from time to time," Alisa whispered, respect for the older woman tingeing every syllable.

"She really can," Rean agreed, watching the archer get to her feet before walking over to join her, placing his hands on her shoulders and reveling in the sensation of her reclining back to rest against him, the sweet scent of her hair overwhelming everything else. "Hi."

"Hi," she lazily replied back, smiling a little as she felt the taller boy drop a kiss on the top of her head. "We have a great class."

"We really do," he assented. "Little bit odd at times, and they definitely have questionable timing, but I wouldn't pick anyone else to have our backs."

"Yeah," she said lightly, content just to use the swordsman as a pillow for now. "Sorry for getting us in trouble, by the way."

"I keep telling you, it wasn't your fault," Rean sighed, taking his hands off her shoulder blades to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her closer. "I was the one dumb enough to say yes, and considering I was also the one with the key… "

"My idea to start with," Alisa countered lightly, practically purring like a cat lying in a patch of sun.

"Fine, fine. We're both hormone driven degenerates, how's that?" the boy compromised playfully, the sensation of Alisa in his arms a soothing balm that…

Well okay, not even she could make him forget the laundry list of embarrassing events that had just transpired, but there wasn't a doubt in his mind that he'd go through it again in a heartbeat. She was worth it.

"Hmm?" came a questionable rumble against his chest, and it took him a second to realize that he had spoken that last bit aloud. "Worth what?"

"Everything," he replied honestly, a tender expression crossing his face. "Getting caught, everyone finding out, your maid and mother potentially coming up with plans to murder me in my sleep…" Rean laughed as Alisa poked him, groaning at the reminder that Sharon would be rubbing this in – and reporting it – religiously from here on out.

"And being the talk of the school for Aidios knows how long?" the blonde challenged, slipping out of his grip and turning around to fix him with a fond gaze. "Not to mention the likelihood of us being held up as a prime example of 'hormone driven degeneracy' by people like Instructor Heinrich?"

An exaggerated sigh as his hand came up to trace her cheek, and she leaned into the familiar touch without hesitation. "Okay, now you're just fishing for more examples," Rean teased, his thumb running random patterns on her soft skin. "But yeah, you're worth those, too. You're worth what happened today a million times over, and you're worth what's going to happen tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…"

The blonde could only shake her head at that, her eyes shining. "I still don't know how you can say things like that with such a straight face," she pouted, her cheeks a rosy shade of pink. "It's so unfair."

He favored her with another affectionate smile before his gaze alighted on her lips, and she closed her eyes expectantly as she looked up. "We're students at a military academy. All's fair," he breathed, before he lowered his head and lost himself in perfection.

This was nothing like the Old Schoolhouse; that had been affection tempered with curious, excited physicality, and though they both immensely enjoyed the few stolen moments where they managed to explore their boundaries, moments like these were just as cherished; moments where the world and everything in it fell away, and it was just them.

Rean kissed her a first time, a second, a third, and there was no doubt that he could do this forever – forever and a day, even – and it would never stop feeling like heaven.

Sighing happily against his mouth, Alisa slid her arms around his neck, letting her fingers swim through his shock of dark hair and was rewarded by a sharp - and pleasantly unexpected - gasp. "Going to need to remember that one," she thought mischievously, breaking away briefly to tell him as such only to have Rean tug her right back and starting kissing her breathless once again, each touch sending shivers down her spine.

With the couple blissfully adrift in a wonderland of their own creation, it was only natural they failed to hear the footsteps until it was far too late.

"Are those…?"

"Oh, cr – "

"Sorry guys!" came the cheerful greeting. "Dashed outta here so fast I almost forgot – OH, COME ON! REALLY!?"

As the pair flew apart, furiously blushing and not all that pleased at being caught yet again, Alisa's gaze flew toward the window. "Okay, crazy idea here, but – "

"From the second floor? Thought about it myself earlier. Not a good plan," Rean commented bluntly even as Sara kept on wailing in the background.

"Desperate times, desperate measures. Besides, knowing Sharon I'm sure she'd catch us!"

"You. Knowing Sharon, I'm sure she'd catch *you*."

"… Yeah, okay."

AN: This was actually started before Eight by Eight, as you might be able to tell by a conspicuous character omission; as my outline for this was completed while I was playing chapter four, anything big afterwards didn't really fit in my plans. Anyone who hasn't made it past that… not spoiling it for you, though this is definitely an AU tale at this point anyway.

And, because my inner Machias/Emma shipper demands it, a bonus bit of crack:

OMAKE

The sound of the front door opening made Rean tiredly look up from his spot on the couch in the dorm's foyer, only to do a double take when he saw Machias practically stumble in, his normally composed friend walking like he was in some kind of daze. "Whoa, there! You all right?"

It took a second for two for the bespectacled boy to respond, and when he did it was in a slow, detached manner that reminded Rean of himself after taking a particularly hard blow to the head from Master Kafai during sparring. "Oh, Rean. Apologies, I… didn't see you there."

"I don't think you're seeing much of anything right now," the swordsman thought wryly, taking into account his physical appearance now; mussed hair, slightly rumpled clothing, and a posture which belied a distinct lack of balance. "Machias, I'm really hoping Thors still has a Literature Club to go back to…" he began, already picturing the blowout in his head and dreading the inevitable talk he was going to have with Towa about rampant property destruction being traced back to his classmates.

Thus, Rean found himself very surprised when Machias tilted his head slightly and looked a little more lost than he already had been… which to be frank, was saying a lot. "Literature Club?"

"… Yeah. You know, the place with all the books and such, most of which I'm pretty you'd like but certain others that would make you want to burn it to the ground?" he said slowly, wondering where all his righteous indignation had gone and why it had been replaced by no small amount of confusion.

"Ah, that. Well, I… I can always deal with that another day," the Class VII VP replied in a manner that didn't entirely convince Rean that Machias had any clue what he was actually talking about. "At any rate, I'm feeling rather tired, so I believe I'll retire early tonight," he continued, lips twitching as if he were trying to repress a smile.

"Wait, now?" Rean asked incredulously, and his eyes followed Machias as he slowly walked up the stairs, only waving a hand absentmindedly as he departed. "Okay, so that just happened…"

"Oh, Rean! I thought you still would have been with Alisa."

Startled, his gaze swung toward the entrance of the dorm and he was greeted by the sight of Emma smiling at him –

… Wait. Smiling was a bit of an understatement; she was borderline grinning, actually. Add that to the noticeable spring in her step, and he could only guess that whatever she did to Machias to pacify him had worked beautifully… if not having the unfortunate side effect of inflicting a bit of brain damage.

"Hey Emma," Rean greeted. nodding in assent to her question. "I'm just relaxing a little out here before heading back up to get some review done – Alisa's back in her room already. So, I take it your little mission to calm down Machias went as planned?"

"Well, let's just say I took Alisa's advice and managed to… figure something out," the brunette answered evasively, uncharacteristically smirking even as her cheeks turned a rosy red, and Rean had no idea how she was managing to make embarrassed and smug work at the same time.

"Ah. At any rate, good to know everything turned out well."

"Oh, I'd certainly say it did," Emma replied mischievously, smirk not fading in the slightest as she practically skipped up the stairs.

Rean waited a few moments for her footsteps to recede before he sighed in defeat and pulled out his ARCUS, his fingers on autopilot.

"You called it. Looks like I owe you dinner."

"Told you so~!" Alisa sing-songed, her voice carrying with it the sweet tune of victory. "How did they look?"

"Emma looks like the cat that caught the canary and Machias looks like he's suffering from a mild yet happy case of head trauma. So… pretty much what you expected."

"Hehe. Poor guy never stood a chance."