A/N: This is now officially a multi-chapter story made up of a mishmash of magic, fantasy, mythology, sci-fi…almost everything fictional you can think of that don't usually cross over. There will be adventure, silliness, and hopefully some decent smut. Thanks for your feedback and encouragement!

Chapter 2: Albino Donkey Shit

It all started two years ago with Jean, a help wanted listing, and a bet.

Everyone knew Jean plus the word "bet" in any context was a disaster in the making, especially when Eren got involved, willingly or not. This time, the brunet's absentee self-preservation instincts showed up for once, and he was most certainly unwilling, but Jean had somehow cornered him into taking up the challenge.

"I can't believe you're blackmailing me," Eren groused. "This has to be one of your worst ideas, right behind the time we started the crop circle hype in the Human Realm."

"You can't deny it was fucking hilarious," Jean watched his friend smugly and brushed off Eren's grumbled "yeah, until they banned us from entry for 15 years."

"So are you going to do this, or are you wimping out?"

The two wizards were sitting on Eren's couch, huddled over his laptop like every other time they planned something stupid (though the brunet had to admit "plan" was a generous term when it came to the two of them). Eren scrolled through the help wanted posting for the third time, thinking perhaps it would be prudent to listen to that niggling voice of reason, which sounded like Armin in a panic.

"Don't be a pussy. All you have to do is to take a field trip to Hell, sweep some floors, and get a signature. It'll take at most a week."

Eren looked at his friend as if he had lost his mind; obviously it wasn't going to be that easy.

"Yeah, except it's Levi fucking Ackerman." He felt genuine fear start to creep up for the first time in years. "Rumored to be the greatest evil since Sauron and won't hesitate to suck out your beating heart with a vacuum cleaner before booting you to the 7th Circle of Hell for even thinking about touching anything with unwashed hands. I might be suicidal, but not actually suicidal."

"Psh, Sauron was an idiot to put his powers into cheap jewelry." Jean waved off, unfazed. "Just focus on the payout. You'd be set for a year, or you could finally buy the albino donkey shit you've been eyeing for months. That's nasty, by the way."

Eren shot him a glare. "Unicorn dung has over 50 known healing properties. Think of all the new potions I could create." He paused, then smiled a little too innocently. "Remember that ointment I made for your STI?" Jean clearly had no desire to remember the consequences of his lapse in sexual protection as his face burned bright red. "It had fairy urine in it."

Jean's eyes bugged comically.

"The alkaline smell—that was from the vegetarian diet of male Eastern tree fairies," Eren lectured matter-of-factly, trying to hold in an unmanly giggle. "Fairy magic naturally infuses with ripe urine in a full bladder, creating the perfect creamy base for healing concoctions when it's whisked, like yellow whipped cream. It was pretty awkward asking them to drop their pants–"

"Alright! Just shut up about it!" Jean was now looking rather green.

A beat later, Eren's poker face crumbled, and he broke down laughing. "You- you should have seen your face," he gasped out, struggling to breathe. "You really thought I would use–"

"I wouldn't put it past you," Jean muttered and whacked Eren hard on back of the head, causing him to nearly plant his forehead into the laptop screen. "So are you going to do it or not?" He asked gruffly once the laughing died down and Eren cleared his throat.

"Only if you come too. If I'm going to get my ass kicked by the deadliest demon alive, you're going down with me."

"Sorry man, can't," Jean apologized without a hint of apology. "I'm 1/16 angel. I can't get into Hell without applying for entry three months in advance."

Eren scoffed as he recalled their century of shenanigans and troublemaking. "Bullshit. Absolutely nothing about you is angelic."

"Want me to pull up my genealogy report? Or you can ask my mom."

A quick phone call later, Eren sat dumbly with horseface preening next to him. "That shouldn't even count… You're one of the biggest douches I know."

"It's enough for Border Control to make a fuss," Jean said, looking a little disappointed.

"Sounds suspiciously like you've tried before."

"I'm surprised you haven't."

"It's a little further down on my bucket list," Eren admitted.

Jean clapped the brunet on the back with exaggerated cheer. "Well, it's your lucky day! You get to check it off your list early."

"I have no desire to die early," Eren protested, but he was already inching the cursor on the screen toward the 'Accept Job' button as his thrill-seeking nature got the better of him. "So, I just need to complete the cleaning job and somehow get Hell's Strongest to sign your "Hell hath no fury…" t-shirt—this is the dumbest dare ever. Can't believe I'm risking my life for a measly signature. If I don't make it back, tell Mikasa, Armin, and mom that I died valiantly for a noble cause."

"Stop being dramatic, Yeager. If you don't make it back, I'll send Mikasa to fish your corpse from the trenches. I heard he prefers to leave his victims in one piece so blood doesn't splatter his lair."

"Oh thank god for that." Eren's voice dripped with sarcasm. "I'll be dead, but at least I get an open-casket funeral." The cursor hovered over the button, fidgeting in tandem to the nervous twitch in his hand. Squeezing his eyes shut and turning away from the screen, he finally let the finger fall. It felt like the digital button depressed in slow motion, and he could imagine thunder crashing through the sky forebodingly… nevermind, that was just his stomach growling.

Jean let out a whoop and ruffled Eren's hair. "Since I'm a nice guy, you can have 1% of what I make from auctioning off the shirt."

"'Nice guy', my ass," the brunet muttered and jabbed an elbow into his friend's ribs. "I'm going to come back as a poltergeist to haunt you and your descendants for eternity."

Jean wheezed a laugh. "Right, whatever you say. Just don't peek in on me doing the do with my future smokin' hot wife," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

Eren dropped his face into his hands and wondered why they were still friends.

A week later, Eren found himself gawking up at the dark castle looming ominously and thinking this would be a very good time to retreat. The building was massive, with black ivy choking the stone walls and tall, steel double doors adding to its menacing aura.

He wondered if all structures in Hell looked this…well, hellish.

Because of his father's position as Lucifer's private doctor, Eren had passed through Border Control easily. Jean had gleefully sent him off like he was leaving for a tropical honeymoon rather than to the dominion of evil to play housemaid for Hell's Evilest. The InterDomain Transporter warped him to the nearest checkpoint, which turned out to be a lonely booth situated on a rocky hill somewhere around the 6th Circle of Hell. It was manned by a half-asleep gargoyle, which took two pokes and finally a shove on the shoulder to snap out of its daze and confirm his arrival.

Hiking up the steep, dirt road, Eren was surprised to see a cloudy sky overhead instead of the jagged ceiling of a cave; he thought Hell was supposed to be underground. (He probably should have read through Hell's Wikipedia page before venturing into the abyss.) The never-ending blanket of gray and barren scenery made for a dull climb. It took 30 minutes to scale the small mountain made of rust-colored rock, and by the time the wizard reached the top, his neck and back were coated in a layer of sweat.

Eren wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and grimaced at the moisture. His client probably wouldn't appreciate the cleaner showing up with pit stains and sweat rolling down his face. Before stepping up to the doors, he wiggled a finger and whispered "colligere". Magic tingled over his skin as the sweat on his body collected into a small floating ball of liquid, which he lowered to the ground to soak into the dirt.

Now rid of the sticky feeling, Eren felt marginally better about what he was about to confront. His gut clenched. He knew no one, except for fucking Jean, would call him a coward for backing out; they would even give him a gold star for good judgment.

Because this was The Levi Ackerman. He was said to be as volatile and violent as he was strong, and his terrifying presence would make even the mightiest cry like a baby. The wizard would be no match for the ancient demon if shit hit the fan.

Eren raised a finger to hesitantly press the doorbell and distracted himself by admiring the latest model of the best magical intercom one could buy embedded in the wall. He studied the modern design and shiny surface at odds with the castle's archaic stonework until the speaker clicked.

"Name." A silky voice washed over his senses, and it took him a moment to clear his mind of the rich sound.

"Uh, I'm Eren Yeager. I'm here about the–"

"Get in," the voice interrupted. Eren frowned.

A standard-sized door made of steel materialized in the section of the wall next to the main doors and swung open on its own. Swallowing thickly, the brunet gripped the strap of his messenger bag and walked through the threshold into a large, dimly lit, open foyer with high ceilings, stone walls, and a stone floor. There were wooden double doors on the left and right walls, and a wide staircase at the other end of the room that split halfway up to the second floor balconies, which wrapped around all three walls.

However, what first caught Eren's attention were not the grotesque paintings of tortured humans and supernaturals that seemed to move in the dim room or the extravagant, gold chandelier that hung garishly over the center. It was the sharp smell of bleach that permeated the room and stung his eyes. From the strength of the smell, the room must have been practically drenched in it just recently. The clinical cleanliness of it made Eren uncomfortable, and he couldn't help but nervously turn around to check whether he had trekked in any dirt.

"Brat."

Eren jumped and almost gave himself whiplash when a voice sounded right behind him. He was met with the sight of a short, attractive man with ear-length, glossy black hair styled in a—was that an undercut? Narrow, calculating eyes were glaring straight into Eren's teal orbs, and the scrunched nose and frown made him feel like an itty-bitty cockroach about to be exterminated.

"H-hi, I'm Eren. I'm here for the cleaning job," Eren said, managing to stutter only once. This was a demon. A real, live demon just half an arm's length away, much too close for comfort. He could see the physical identifying marks on those judging eyes, the thin outline of red around the silver irises and the vertical pupils cutting down the center. It hadn't really registered back when communication had been via email that he had been exchanging words with a demon, but here and now there was no denying it.

After several awkward seconds of staring, the man turned on his heels and stalked off. Eren looked on in confusion. Had he just been snubbed?

"Oi, are you coming or not?" The man snapped without looking back. Eren hurriedly jogged to catch up. Was this rude shorty Levi Ackerman's assistant? How was he going to deal with the big boss if his assistant was already this unpleasant? He cursed Jean for the umpteenth time.

Eren followed the man through a door in the corner he hadn't noticed—or maybe it had also materialized out of nowhere—and through dark corridors with mazelike turns until they were deep in the belly of the castle. He was lost after the fourth turn; there was no easy way of escape now.

The demon stopped abruptly in front of a nondescript door and flicked a light switch. Eren squinted against the brightness and barely managed to avoid walking into him.

"So you own a magic shop and claim to be one of the best cleaners in all realms." The man looked him up and down skeptically, first at his messy mop of hair, over the dark gray, long-sleeve shirt rolled to the elbows, down his faded jeans, to the scuffed werewolf-hide Converses, and finally back up his lean body to his anxious face. "Your definition of cleaning better not be to blow it up."

"No, I clean with magic," Eren said defensively. They had only exchanged a few words and he was already starting to despise this asshole. "So when can I see Mister Ackerman?"

The look he received made him feel like the dumbest creature in history. What was this guy's problem? Asshole really needed to learn some manners.

Then the expression morphed into a cruel smirk, sending shivers down Eren's spine.

"You'll get to see him after the job is done."

"But what about the contract?"

"We'll sign the contract after the job is done."

Eren stared bemusedly. "That's…not how it works."

"That's how it works here," the demon said, quickly losing patience. "Do you want the fucking job or not?

Eren really wanted to say no, but Jean's stupid threat crossed his mind. He couldn't let Mikasa find out about that embarrassing stunt he pulled in Trost. "At least give me some sort of verbal binding agreement that promises I'll be compensated."

"After you're done."

Eren was starting to lose his temper. "You're crazy if you think I'm going to risk getting duped, especially with you demons!"

Suddenly he was slammed against the rough, stone bricks, a muscled arm pressed almost painfully into his throat and a hard body pinning his taller one. A hard thigh forced his legs apart, and the hip against his pelvis held him in place.

He felt phantom lips brush his earlobe and warm air ghost over the shell of his ear. "Do you want to repeat that, little boy?" Shit, that voice—the perfect bedroom voice with danger dripping from every syllable—caused his gut to clench, this time not in fear. The demon must have felt his muscles tighten because the weight of the hip shifted to his groin, and the perfect pressure over his cock suddenly rolled, sending a jolt up his spine and his head falling back with a gasp.

He bit his bottom lip to stifle a moan when a hand slipped behind his lower back and ground his cock harder into the demon's solid body. Eren felt himself hardening and fought the sweet pulses of pleasure—no no no NO. No matter how good it felt, there was no way in Hell he was popping a boner because of this bastard. Gritting his teeth, he willed his useless arms to move and shoved the demon with all the strength he could muster, forcing the shorter man to stumble backwards.

Surprise flitted across the demon's face before it settled back into impassiveness.

Eren inhaled deeply, then breathed out slowly to will his semi-erection away. He was not turned on by this dickhead. Nope. Sure the guy was attractive for someone half a foot shorter, but the demon's crappy personality was as off-putting as a firedrake suffering from gas. Besides, he'd been sticking to women lately.

"O-okay, how about I clean one room, and then we discuss the contract after I prove myself capable of meeting your standards?" Eren proposed shakily.

He squirmed under the penetrating stare but refused to back down. Must. Stay. Strong.

"Fine," the demon finally said curtly as he turned to the door. He spoke a few unintelligible words and swiped his right hand in a wide motion from left to right. The air in front of the door shimmered.

Instantly, a putrid stench smacked Eren in the face.

"Fucking hell! What is that?!" He slapped a hand over his nose and mouth and staggered away from the source of the smell.

"That is an experiment gone wrong." The only sign the man showed of being affected was the tightening of skin around his eyes. "There is a…colleague that enjoys conducting questionable experiments. It is not uncommon to achieve…unfavorable results."

"That's an understatement," was what Eren would have muttered if he wasn't about to pass out from the palpable stink assaulting him. Hastily, he flicked his free hand and sacrificed the last of his breath to choke out several words in Latin. Instantly, the air around him cleared, and he was able to suck in gulps of freshly filtered air.

For the second time, the other man looked surprised. It was Eren's turn to smirk. However, the darkening of the demon's expression wiped that smirk off his face. Deciding it was best not to tease an ill-tempered creature of the Underworld, Eren cast the same air filtering spell for him.

Without a word of thanks, Asshole cleared his throat and continued. "Every time an experiment backfires to the degree that even I can't restore the room, we seal it and she constructs a new lab in a different room." His tone was tinged with frustration, probably at not only his colleague but himself as well for being incapable of accomplishing the task; he seemed like the type who hated asking for help. "Regrettably, this has happened so many times that we are running out of rooms."

"But, it's a massive castle!"

"They're that shitty," he said flatly.

"So how many of these labs are there?" Eren asked uneasily.

The demon scowled. "427. There are rooms that have been festering for five centuries."

427. Eren's jaw dropped open. Four-hundred twenty-seven. The shorter man reached a clawed finger up to his chin and snapped the mouth shut with a click of teeth. There was a touch of amusement in those harsh eyes as the hand retracted.

"The lab in front us is dated approximately three centuries. Let's see how you fare."

Without warning, the door was flung open and Eren, still trying to wrap his mind around 427 rooms, was shoved through, and before he realized what was happening, a gallon of bleach conked the side of his head and the door was slammed shut in his face.

"What are you– Hey, let me out!" He ignored the pain blooming in his temple and banged on the door. The wizard could almost feel the waste and mold threatening to engulf him. No, it wasn't his imagination; he was actually standing on some kind of ugly flowering bush sprawling densely across a patch of the floor, and the door was definitely green and squishy. "This isn't funny, Asshole. Are you listening?!" He gathered his magic to ram against the door, but all it did was leave a dent in the wood. The demon had sealed him in!

"You'll need to repair that as well, brat," the bored voice carried through the door as Eren threw another blasting spell. "Give a shout once you're done."

"I'm shouting now!"

Nothing.

Fuck.

Eren frantically surveyed the room for another exit, but there were only solid walls and a rotting jungle. Large clumps of fuzzy mold the color of puke were thriving on the walls, stringy fungi hung from the ceiling spreading outward from the ceiling lamp, a thick layer of steaming, orange, jelly-like substance was growing from the sink and down to the floor, and strange plants almost as tall as himself and sporting tentacles with stingers were sprouting from overturned equipment.

Again, Eren banged his fist on the door, now charred from his attacks, shouting profanities to no avail. He was locked in with who knows what might have mutated in the last 300 years. The wizard crouched low for a better look under workstations and chairs and whimpered when he spotted fat, mushroom-shaped organisms, the same steaming, orange jelly passing between greenery, and a fat, creepy crawly bug with too many legs scuttling into an open cabinet.

There was an entire fucking ecosystem in here!

Eren would have scrubbed his face with his palms had they not been smeared in mold pulp. This was not how he expected the day to go. He should have expected it to be worse than anything imaginable by the enormous sum of money offered. And he hadn't even met Levi yet.

The brunet slumped with a resigned groan. Might as well get started. Asshole probably wouldn't open the door until a reasonable time had passed. Damn the shorty. He was going to show everyone in Hell that when it came to magical cleaning, Eren Yeager was second to none.

And then he was going to shove the gallon of bleach up Jean's ass.

A/N: How is it? I was nervous to post chapter 2 since it was already decent as a oneshot. I hope I didn't disappoint~

**Dear readers - Can you help me come up with a better slogan for Jean's t-shirt? Creativity died on me there… ^_^'

I'm happy to go back and edit! (Open to suggestions while this note is up.)