Criminal Minds 05x01 "Faceless, Nameless" ~What If~

A/N: Hey everyone again, this story is for: ahowell1993, who asked for a story in which Hotch is feeling guilty about how everything with Foyett went. While lying on a hospital bed Hotch thinks about everything that could have gone differently. Slight HotchxPrentiss, takes place right after the end of the episode.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Still don't own them (still bitter about it)

~What if~

Hotch was pretending to be asleep, he knew that Emily was sitting by his bed, he knew that she knew that he was awake, he also knew that probably she was awake too, only pretending to be sleeping as well. The poor woman wouldn't leave his site, he was thankful for that, he'll never tell her that, but he was. He needed someone else there, someone so he won't be alone. He thought back to when was the last time he didn't want to be alone and almost flinched. He was 7. He thought back, how many things could have gone differently. What if he reached to his gun? Would he have shot at Foyett and killed him? Probably yes, he would have probably put a bullet between his eyes.

What if he took Morgan's offer to tag along with Reid and help him fix one of his properties? Would Foyett have gotten tired and left his apartment before he came back or not? Would he and the rest of the team have been called away on the case before he had a chance to go back home and change, maybe relax and unwind?

What if he pushed Emily a bit harder to accept his help in packing her stuff from her condo? Would he have ended up spending the night there? He knew he would, he would have spent the night in her apartment, in her sofa, since she had already packed her bedroom and she absolutely refused to sleep on the bed with no sheets on it. They would have been together when the call for the case came and they would probably have no time to go back to his apartment. He would have grabbed one of his clothes from his go-bag and changed hastily out of the sweatpants he always kept in his go-bag.

What if he went out for a drink with Dave? They would have spent hours on no end drinking; Dave would probably tease him on no end about things from his past as a young agent in the BAU. They would have laughed, fondly remembering the old, more innocent days of their lives. Back then when his biggest worry was how to get home earlier to Haley and how to stop his three bosses from killing each other, all in the teasing's name and Dave's biggest worry was how to get back at Ryan for last week's prank and how to get Gideon to crack a laugh or a smile. And maybe annoying the living lights out of him in the process, just maybe.

What if Foyett never escaped what if they had moved him out of state to a prison he didn't have the schematics to and he couldn't escape? Would he have forgotten about him? Probably not, and he would have probably found a different way to escape and then he would have come at him even more angry than he was now.

What if he shot Foyett back at his apartment instead of arresting him? He knew he would be put in trial probably, if not defiantly he would have been suspended. He had no reason to do so; Foyett gave him no indication to shot him. He knew that, he wouldn't have shot him, although that man was haunting him and taunting him for the better part of his professional life he wouldn't have done it.

What if he took the deal? No, he knew he couldn't do that. It was his damn pride that would have stopped him. He wouldn't have taken the deal, even now, while lying on a hospital bed having more stitches on his body than Frankenstein's monster, after he sent his family away, he still wouldn't have taken the deal.

What if he had seen all those years he kept coming back to the Reaper's case that a survivor didn't fit his M.O.? Would he have requested the Boston P.D. to reopen the case? Probably yes, he would, he would have pressured them and put himself on the hot seat with Strauss and the bureau that would probably have ended him fired. And before that would have happened he would have stopped trying waiting for him to start killing again, because guys like him always did in the end.

What if he took the transfer to a white collar crime task force? Would Foyett still have found him, would he have had remembered him from the first time he was investigating him? Would he and Haley be still together? Would they be happy? He knew that the answers were probably, Yes, Yes, Maybe and No.

What if he never had joined the BAU? The FBI? He knew that something would have been missing from his life. He would have never met Jason, Dave, Cooper, Morgan, Reid, J.J., Garcia, Elle, Emily… all those people that grew to be his family… and at that thought a vice gripped his heart. Something in his life would always be missing if he never joined the FBI or the BAU.

What if he had stayed a prosecutor? He would have ended up a miserable shell of a man, just like his father was. And although he swore and knew he would have tried anything and everything in his power to never, ever end up exactly like his father, he would have ended up, in some capacity, like him. Empty, hollow and not really a man he would like to be.

All those possibilities, all those things that could have gone differently… he felt his throat closing in, his breath getting faster, his heart beating harder in his chest. The first signs of a panic attack he doesn't want to acknowledge hitting him hard.

"Aaron?" his eyes snapped open, he never was more thankful to hear her voice…

A/N: What are you thinking? Like it?