Chapter 1. Living in the Dream

She gazes into his sad blue eyes and smiles, silently trying to convey all of the love she has in her heart for him, trying to reassure him of her love. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, breathing in the scent that is unmistakably her. God he has missed her, has missed her smile. He has waited so long for her to return, for this moment, but now he is unsure if he can do this again. She strokes the side of his face tenderly, encouraging him to open his eyes. But he is afraid to open his eyes. He is afraid she will leave again. He is afraid of going back to that place of desolation, the place he resides each time she goes away. She rubs the tip of her nose up and down his and a tear rolls down his cheek at the memory and because he wants to believe this time will be different. He wants to believe she will not leave again. The pain will be unbearable if she leaves again. Needing to hold on to the dream, his eyes remain closed.

"I can't", he mutters.

She rubs her nose against his again.

"Don't. Please don't", he implores weakly.

She kisses each of his eyelids and they flutter open without hesitation, and once again he succumbs to her ministrations. He looks into her eyes and she begins the ritual of reconnecting. She inhales deeply and exhales slowly. As her warm breath wafts over his face he remembers how she feels, how she tastes, and he wants her. He will always want her. Then she nods, encouraging him to repeat the act, but he resists. She looks at him pleadingly, encouraging him to join her in their ritual. And after a few moments he relents and begins to inhale deeply and exhale slowly. She strokes the side of his face and nods with approval, and he smiles happily as they breathe in sync, as they breathe in each other's love.

She glides her soft lips across his and he opens his mouth instinctively, once again allowing her back in. And she takes her time exploring the crevices with her warm tongue as he moans in pleasure at the familiar taste. She smiles again, inviting him to reciprocate. When he hesitates she pouts at the rejection, and after a while he acquiesces. He devours her mouth with ferocity because he can never deny her and he has missed her so much. He caresses her ass and they both moan. He is hard and he wants her, but she places her hand over his heart to calm him, to slow his movements. Then she places his hand over her heart so he can feel her love, so he can feel their hearts reconnect.

"I've missed you, Livvie – so much."

She smiles as he pulls the flowing white blouse over her head and is immediately pleased when he sees her bare breasts. He has always loved her breasts. He loves sucking them. He loves kissing them. He loves licking them. He flattens his tongue and licks a firm, brown nipple and she rakes her fingers through his hair, moaning in pleasure. He is impossibly hard and he wants to be inside of her again. He wants to feel her slickness riding up and down him again. But she knows what he needs so she looks into his eyes as she unbuckles his belt. She slides her hand into his boxers and gently fondles his warm sac. And he gasps.

"Oh my god, Liv. I've missed you so much."

She gently massages his heavy sac and smiles at his response.

"It feels so good. I need to cum, baby. You've been gone for so long."

His juices ooze from the slit and trickle quickly down her wrist. She rubs the milky liquid up and down his hard rod and his face contorts from the pleasurable pain.

"Livvie, Livvie, Livvie. You always make me feel so good", he cries breathlessly. He bends his knees slightly and pumps slowly and rhythmically in her moistened hand. "Ahh", he moans from the sensation. "Just like that. Yes, just like that, baby."

He shuts his eyes as she grips him more tightly and pumps him hard. He feels blissful as he revels in the pleasure his beautiful wife is bestowing upon him again. He can no longer hold back, does not want to hold back so he pumps faster, anticipating the heart-stopping orgasm building in his groin. He moans in pleasure as he pumps faster and faster and faster.

"Daddy. Daddy. Wake up, daddy", four-year-old Cena calls out to her father who is once again making strange noises while he is sleeping. She bounces up and down on his stomach and pounds her small fists on his chest.

"Cena. Cena", Fitz groans, once again awakened by his daughter from his recurring dream. "Didn't daddy ask you not to bounce on his stomach when he is sleeping?" He asks in frustration, with his eyes still closed.

The four-year-old pulls open one of his eyelids with her chubby fingers. And he opens his other eyelid on his own accord where he sees a pair of eyes that look like his and every other part of her resembling her mother.

"But you were hurting in your sleep again, daddy. You were making those strange noises again." She looks at him with concern.

"I'm fine, princess. Daddy was just dreaming."

He closes his eyes again thinking he has to get his shit together. He cannot continue living like this. He cannot continue having wet dreams about his wife who has left their home, left him and their daughter because she is stressed and needs a break. Olivia has been gone for over a month and he does not know when she plans to come back home.

"Get up, daddy. I'm hungry." Cena demands as she pounds on her father's chest.

Fitz looks at her wild, curly hair and sighs when he thinks about the fight he is going to have later when he has to comb her hair.

"Okay, princess. What do you want for breakfast today?"

"Panny cakes!" she shouts, clapping her hands excitedly and bouncing up and down on his chest.

"Okay, okay", trying to recover from the wind she has knocked out of him.

"Go brush your teeth and wash your face, Cee. I'll be downstairs shortly."

"Yay", Cena squeals in joy. She bounces up and down on his chest one more time before going down the hall to her bedroom.

When Fitz is sure Cee is in her bathroom he lets out a long sigh and runs his hands through the sides of his hair. Each day it becomes more and more difficult to pretend for his daughter. He leans over and pulls open his nightstand drawer and slides out the envelope his wife left on his pillow the last day she was in their home. He has read the letter every day since she left; trying to understand what caused her to leave, trying to uncover clues about where she is.

Shortly after Olivia left Fitz called Calvin and Gwendolyn Pope under the guise of Cee wanting to speak to her grandparents. Although his in-laws are back in Senegal doing missionary work, he hoped they would be able to shed some light on his wife's whereabouts. However, early in the phone call it became evident they were unaware their daughter had left her family. Not wanting to alarm them he decided to remain silent about his marital problems until it was absolutely necessary to tell them that Olivia has left him.

His head begins to ache as he reads the letter again, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to understand how his wife could be so unhappy in their marriage that she felt she had no other choice but to leave their home. How could he not know she was unhappy? Had he become so disconnected from his wife that he did not know his marriage was in trouble? He knows they had hit a rough patch lately but he just attributed it to normal marital strife.

She says she is physically fine but needs a break from all of the stress in her life. The stress of trying to juggle being a wife, a mother, and a business owner had become too overwhelming. However, his trained mind tells him there has to be more to her leaving than stress. So he tries to read between the lines, tries to discern what is not written, what she did not say. She did not say she no longer loved him and their daughter. She did not say she no longer wanted them to be together as a family. She did not say she would not be coming back home. And because she said none of those things he remains hopeful, holding on to the dream. The dream is what enables him to get up every morning to face his daughter, to face his family's recriminations, to continue on with his life. But every day his heart aches more and more for his wife and he wants her back home where she belongs.

Fitz refolds the letter, returns it to the envelope, and slides it back into his nightstand drawer. He closes the drawer tightly until tomorrow when he will read it again. He looks down at the evidence from his dream and wipes the tears from his face. He sighs again as he crawls from bed and walks to the bathroom to take another cold shower.

XXX

When Fitz finally makes it downstairs he is barefoot and his hair is still damp from his shower. He walks into the kitchen where he sees his daughter sitting on her stool at the table and talking to her favorite stuffed animal Olivia bought the last time Cena was sick.

"Mommy will be back soon", she tells the animal. "Cause she loves us so, so much. That's what daddy says all of the time. Okay, panda bear?"

Fitz inhales deeply, walks over to the stove, and starts their daily breakfast. He thanks god every day that Olivia taught him the basics about cooking.

"Ready for panny cakes, Cee?" He asks in his best upbeat voice.

"Yes, daddy. I want panny cakes with a face."

"Okay, princess. Get your fruit container from the refrigerator."

"Yay."

Cena claps her hands, slides off her stool, and walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door. She looks into the refrigerator for a few moments and pouts when she does not immediately see her fruit container.

"Get your fruit and close the door, Cee", Fitz says as he flips the pancakes.

"It's not here, daddy. I can't see it."

Fitz walks over to the refrigerator and peers inside with his daughter. He prays silently they have fruit because he is not in the mood this morning for Cena's tears. As he looks around the refrigerator he is reminded he needs to go grocery shopping after work today.

"There it is, princess", pointing to the top shelf where plastic container with the purple lid, her favorite color, has been placed. "You have to remember to put it back in the same spot so you can always find it. Okay?"

"I can't reach up their, daddy", letting him know diplomatically he is the one who did not return the container to its proper place.

Fitz smiles at his smart and tactful baby girl. She is so much like her mother. He scoops her up and covers her face with kisses and she laughs hysterically.

"Stop, daddy, stop. Your face tickles."

"I love you so much, Cee." Fitz says, smiling at his daughter who is squirming in his arms trying desperately to evade his unshaven face. No matter what else is happening in his life, whatever is happening with him and Olivia, each day he is grateful for his little girl in.

"I love you too, daddy. Pucker", she says, grabbing the sides of his face. And she gives her father a big, sloppy kiss.

Fitz sets the plate of pancakes on the table in front of Cena and pours syrup over them. He opens the fruit container so she can get the sliced bananas, strawberries, and blueberries to make a happy face.

"Foam, daddy. I want foam", she says once she is satisfied with the fruit face she has created.

"It's called whipped cream, Cee, and you can't have it for breakfast. You'll have a tummy ache later."

Cena pouts and looks down at the happy face on her panny cake. Leaning against the sink and sipping his coffee, Fitz smiles as he admires his daughter's pouty face. Olivia always says he and Cee look alike when they pout.

"Eat up, Cee. We have to get ready for Gramp's birthday party this afternoon."

"Yay", Cee claps. "Cake."

XXX

After breakfast Fitz cleans the kitchen then carries Cena upstairs to her bathroom to bathe her and shampoo her hair. Syrup covers her face and hands and it has also found its way into her mop of sandy brown, curly hair. He sighs silently, thinking about the battle to come.

"Daddy, I'm not going to cry today when you comb my hair. I'm a big girl now", Cee announces proudly as she splashes in the bathtub.

"You are a big girl", he says, rinsing the conditioner from her hair.

Although Olivia taught him not to make Cena feel self-conscious about her thick, curly hair, he is still happy Cena did not cry when he combed her hair the way he saw Olivia do it so many times before she left.

XXX

Fitz unbuckles the car seat and lifts his sleeping daughter from the seat and walks toward his parents' home to celebrate his father's 66th birthday. Cena always falls asleep during their car rides. As he approaches the front door he remembers the gift Cena helped him to select at the mall last week is in the trunk of the car, so he walks back to the car carrying his daughter who feels like dead weight today. After retrieving the gift bag from the trunk he walks back to the house, adjusting Cena on his shoulder. He presses the doorbell and after a few moments John, his oldest brother, opens the door.

"I see you knocked out another one", John says jokingly as he looks at Cena who begins to awaken when she hears her uncle's voice.

"Uncle John", she says half asleep and half excited, stretching out her arms for him to take her.

"Come here, Cee-Cee", John says, relieving Fitz of his daughter who seems to have gotten heavier since the last time her saw her.

John carries Cee-Cee, his nickname for his precocious niece, inside of the house and to the family room where everyone has already gathered. Fitz follows his brother into the family room where he sees his father sitting in his favorite chair and his mother sitting on the ottoman next to her husband. His younger brother Bennie is leaning against the fireplace mantle and John's very pregnant wife, Abby, is sitting on the sofa rubbing her belly, awaiting the drama to come.

"Give me my beautiful grandbaby, John", Maura Grant says, reaching for her granddaughter.

"Hello, everyone", Fitz says, looking around the room. He walks over to his father, shakes his hand, and wishes him a happy birthday. He kisses his mother on the cheek as his sister Nora walks into the room from the kitchen.

"How's it going, Bennie?"

"Everything is fine", he says flatly.

"Abby, you're looking well", giving his sister-in-law a polite smile that she does not return.

"Captain. We're so glad you decided to grace us with your presence for once", his sister says sarcastically.

"Don't start today, Nora", her mother admonishes while cooing at her granddaughter.

"Isn't he the reason we're all here today under the guise of a birthday party for dad?"

"Nora!" Gerry snaps at his snarky daughter.

Fitz looks around the room wondering what the hell is going on.

"Is there something I need to know?" He asks, standing across from his father and looking around the room.

"Abby dear, please take Cena out back so she can play with the other children", Maura directs.

John helps his wife from the sofa and Abby takes Cena to the backyard where the other children are playing.

"Sit down, Fitzgerald", his father says.

"I want to know what this is all about", growing a bit more anxious.

"We're concerned about you, Fitzgerald", his mother says.

"What?" He asks incredulously. "We?" He quickly scans the room again, staring at all of the nervous-looking people.

"We're concerned about you and Cee-Cee." John says.

Fitz glares at his brother, not believing he is in on this too - whatever this is. Now he is fuming.

"Fitz", John says, walking toward his brother. "It's been almost two months. You don't even know if she is still –"

"Don't you fucking say it, John." Fitz glares at his older brother with nostrils flaring.

"Well if she isn't then she has abandoned her family. You and that beautiful little girl out there deserve better", pointing in the direction where the children are playing outside.

"My marriage is none of your damn business, John."

Fitz glares at everyone in the room and his eyes linger on his younger brother for a moment who has yet to utter a word.

"Honey …" His mother begins, only to be interrupted by her husband.

"You need to face for once that she isn't any good for you – any good for Cena. You can no longer be in denial about what's going on here", his father says.

Fitz rubs his forehead then palms his face. He was not expecting an intervention meeting when he agreed to come to his father's birthday party.

"This situation isn't good for you and it certainly isn't good for Cena. She doesn't even know who her mother is", his father barks.

"That's a damn lie!" Fitz yells. "I show her pictures of Olivia every day. We discuss her all the time. I won't ever let Cee forget her mother."

"Fitz, Cena needs more than pictures. She needs a mother. You need more - deserve more." His mother looks at him sympathetically.

"Son, you're not seeing how this is affecting Cee – affecting you."

"She was never the kind of wife you needed, Fitzgerald. She was always working and spending more time with those community people than she did with her own child. Dropping Cena off here all day and not picking her up until late in the evenings has been confusing for Cena. And I know she rarely cooked any meals. If Cena didn't have lunch and dinner here ... Well, it was all very selfish if you ask me." His mother says, taking Abby's place on the sofa.

"We want to help you and Cee-Cee before things get worse", John says.

"Fitzgerald", his father says, now standing from his seat. "You need help. And while your mother and I have been more than willing to watch Cena whenever you needed us, this is not a long-term solution. You need a real wife and Cena needs a real mother."

Fitz feels like his head is going to explode as he listens to all of the competing voices in the room talking at him, and he shakes his head in frustration. He can no longer tolerate his family interfering in his life, no matter how good their intentions are, and no matter how helpful his parents have been. So he collects his thoughts and tries to calm down before speaking.

"Dad, mom, I love and respect you very much. And I appreciate all you have done for me and Cee. I appreciate that you watch her while I work, when I have to go out of town, or when I have a dinner meeting. I do. I really appreciate all of it. But doing those things does not give you the right to interfere in my marriage."

"Is that what you call it?" Bennie finally speaks up.

Fitz turns and glares at his pompous brother who is still leaning against the fireplace mantle.

"What kind of marriage is it when a wife leaves her family – leaves her little girl? What kind of woman does that?" Bennie asks with disdain.

"You still haven't gotten over –"

"Go to hell, Fitz!" Bennie yells from across the room.

"I'll see you when I get there", Fitz snarls.

"That's enough!" Their father yells.

"I'm getting my daughter and we're getting the hell out of here." Fitz begins to walk from the room and toward the backyard where Cena is playing with the other children.

"That's right, run!" Nora yells as she walks toward her brother. "That's what you always do. I don't blame Olivia for leaving. Everything always has to be your way. Right, Captain?"

Fitz and his sister glare at each other before he turns and starts to walk from the room to get his daughter. The doorbell rings and John goes to answer the door.

"Fitzgerald, wait. Don't get Cena. There is someone here we want you to meet. Someone we think would be good for you and for Cena", his mother says, looking at her son with genuine concern. "Cena needs a mother, son. She needs someone to teach her things – to teach how to be a young lady – how to take care of a home."

John returns to the family room with an attractive brunette and Fitz looks at the woman in astonishment, then he looks back at his family. He cannot believe what is happening. He walks to the backyard and grabs Cena from where she is playing with the other children.

"Daddy, daddy. Timmy –"

Abby snaps a picture of father and daughter and slides the phone back into her pocket.

"Come on, Cee. We have to go", scooping her up from the play area. Fitz walks back into the house carrying his daughter, where he sees his family and the brunette are still standing.

"Daddy, I didn't get Gramps cake", Cena says, unaware of the turn of events.

"Don't do this, Fitzgerald", his mother pleads. "Let Cena stay and have cake with the other children."

"I'll bring her home later", John intercedes. Always trying to be the voice of reason.

"Yay", Cee squeals, clapping her hands in excitement. "Uncle John bring me home later, daddy."

Fitz looks at his little girl's happy face, then around the room at everyone who is staring at him. He agrees reluctantly to allow John to bring Cena home after the party. Cena has been through so much lately and he does not want to ruin the day she has been waiting for all week just because the adults in her life have all gone crazy. Tears well up in his eyes as he looks at his little girl's happy face. He needs to get out of there right away.

"Don't bring her home too late", he says, handing his little girl over to his big brother.

Cena takes her father's face between her chubby hands and looks into his sad eyes.

"Pucker, daddy", she says, pursing her lips. She always seems to know when he is in distress.

The brunette watches the scene unfold between father and daughter and is touched by the love they obviously have for one another. Fitz gives his little girl a kiss and leaves the house quickly. Now he is angry because it is not Cena's responsibility to take care of him, to try to make him feel better. And he is even angrier with Olivia because she is not here to help him to take care of their daughter.

Fitz goes back home and collapses onto the sofa. It is all becoming too much for him to handle. He cannot take care of Cena the way she needs to be taken care of. He travels too much for his job and has to leave her with his parents more often than he likes. Maybe they are right. Maybe it is time to move on, to leave Olivia in the past. Maybe it is time to give Cena the mother she needs. Maybe it is time to give his daughter a normal life.

"Goddamn you, Olivia!" He screams before falling asleep on the sofa.