Author's notes/disclaimer: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me. Mentions of Hashirama/Madara, Kakashi/Rin/Obito, Shisui/Itachi/Izumi, and past/maybefuture?!Mikoto/Kushina. As of yet, this has no set plot and is suffering from timeline-what-timeline?

The fountain sprouting out of the verdant greenery Mikoto and Satsuki tend to lovingly burbles gently. A dozen hulking men scuttle unobtrusively through morning glories draped lazily on wooden trellises and try to fit their huge bodies into the delicate bamboo lawn chairs arranged in a semi-circle on the porch. Crickets chirp peacefully in early morning air. A loud clatter breaks through the air as Cousin Obito "accidentally" drops the platter of hor d'oeuvres he was specifically not bring as to break the mood (plotting takes a somberness and ceremony that hor d'oeuvres are not associated with, Fugaku has pontificated several times; also Mikoto has him on a strict diet because of his high blood pressure). Itachi sighs—really must Obito taunt Fugaku with fat-drenched bacon when he knows he is not allowed to have it?— and scans the courtyard for dangerous armed combatants—no Mikoto, so far so good—that Obito's ruckus may have attracted.

Uncle Kagami shifts nervously and whispers exaggeratedly, "Are you sure she won't find out? We can always do this is in the not-at-all-suspicious underground meeting place below the Naka Shrine."

Itachi closes his eyes and tries to think of the simplest ways to explain the merits of not attracting the Fourth's or, more importantly, Mikoto's attention by plotting in the traditional Uchiha plotting grounds before promptly giving up. Besides, it's not as if Mikoto will be here anytime soon as she is having one of her weekly sleepovers with the Hokage's wife, and no matter what Great Uncle claims, she does not a ESPN or something that can tell when they're up to no good. However, with Madara and Obito present, there is no point in appealing to logic at this point. It would be better to focus on methods to best take down the Nara clan in terms of strategy, thus distracting his relatives from their collective fear of Mikoto.

Unfortunately, as always, Cousin Obito seems to thrive on wrecking Itachi's carefully planned-out plans. Honestly, what do Hatake and Nohara see in that man? If Itachi didn't know any better, he would think that Cousin Obito took joy in trolling people for his own twisted amusement.

"The plan for attacking by night won't work, Cousin Obito," Itachi explains patiently while keeping his eyebrow from visibly twitching, "They are shadow-benders. Which means we shouldn't attack from the shadows. And, no, I don't thinking catching them a permanent moon-powered illusion would work. Stop giving Great-Uncle Madara ideas." Itachi pauses and stares at Cousin Obito as he begins to giggle and insist that Itachi call him Tobi. "Are you high?" With Cousin Obito, it is hard to tell. That Akatsuki crowd he is hanging out with these days must be a horrible influence. Itachi has had heard rumors that they are even an internationally wanted gang of psychotic terrorists.

Itachi sighs and stares to the heavens. Suddenly his head begins to throb and his hands begin to tremble—and not even with the usual, ever-present urge to throttle Cousin Obito. No, this is something. His Satsuki-senses are tingling. His little sister needs him.

…

Satsuki stares at the burns on her hands and the wreckage of the Uchiha compound gardens around her. In the attack, Oto-nin had managed to get in. No one that she loved has died, but the grave-makers for the babies that she will never be able to call Sister are burnt and charred. Even if they had had the chance to live she still wouldn't be strong enough to protect them. Her fight with Gaara was proof enough of that.

And Gaara tried to kill her instead of kissing her. Satsuki is undesirable. In a few years, she is going to be alone, wrinkly, and only kept company by her twenty ninja-cats—just like Great-Uncle Madara, except even older than he is. She will be alone.

She hugs herself and doesn't cry. Crying is weak and for little girls. Satsuki is not weak. She is an Avenger. She is a very cold and tired Avenger though. Avenging is beginning to feel like it is hard work. Satsuki is not sure if it is something she wants to do alone.

"Foolish little sister, it's cold out," Itachi says as he approaches her from behind, "why don't you come inside? You haven't eaten in days."

Satsuki shakes her head, moving her bangs to cover her eyes, and bites her fingers into her arms. "I'll never get to see them grown," she mumbles.

Itachi shakes his head softly and tucks Satsuki's stray bangs behind her ear. "And you won't be grown if you catch a cold and freeze yourself to death. Come inside and I'll teach you some about chakra control and how to use it with your lightning affinity for an hour or two," he suggests, "We can fix the markers in the morning and maybe plant some flowers. What do you think of camellias?"

Satsuki scowls furiously and stares at her feet. Brother is always trying to distract her or humor her. She's not eleven any more. She's twelve and a shinobi of the Hidden Leaf. Bribery will not work. Satsuki will not be bought. Itachi will have to offer one week of his undivided attention—not just a few paltry hours—before she will even consider budging.

"I didn't want to have to resort to this, Little Sister, but you give me no choice," Itachi sighs exaggeratedly as he pulls out a small book out of his cloak and whips to page two hundred eighty-eight. Satsuki feels the hair on her arms prickle and begins the feelings of fear rise from her feet.

"No, no, Big Brother, anything but this," Satsuki tries to order firmly as she readies her body for escape. Itachi catches her firmly by the arm and begins to commence with the torture.

"You're weak, Satsuki. Why are you weak? Because you lack the … ," Itachi pauses dramatically as he forward, " … humor. And do you know what? You always will if no one intervenes. Don't worry though, foolish little sister, I'll fix you." Satsuki feels a feeling of dread that she has never felt before. She can handle this though. She is Uchiha and Uchiha can handle themselves even against their brother's dad jokes.

"You're right. I don't have a sense of humor," Satsuki—fuck, fuck, fuckitty can't handle this, she thinks—nods her head calmly in agreement, "which is why you really don't have to tell me a joke to cheer me u—"

"Why did the tomato blush?" Itachi asks in his very best monotone as he reads from the book of jokes with a look of intense concentration.

Satsuki cringes for a full minute before she can manage to mumble, "Why?"

"Because he saw the salad dressing."

Satsuki groans and dies a little internally as Itachi drags her inside reciting all the jokes from pages two hundred eighty-nine as well.

…

Kakashi slouches down in front of an anxious-looking Namikaze Minato. "So you're sure this won't result in inter-clan violence?" the blonde asks tiredly, running his hands through his hair.

Kakashi hums and flips to the next page of his literary masterpiece. Oichi-hime is about to find out that Hideki isn't Mitsue's evil twin after all. He's Mitsue's secret son from the future. How does Jiraiya-sama even come up with these ideas? They are pure genius. "Kakashi. Kakashi. Are you listening?" Minato interrupts just Kakashi reaches the line Oichi-hime says she doesn't care that Hideki is from an alternate dimension—she loves him despite it all.

"No, Minato-sensei, the village is not about to be annihilated because a teenage boy got an erection," Kakashi says, looking up annoyedly and flapping his hand, "Auntie Mikoto is having tea or something next Monday with Shikamaru's mother to talk about it. Besides, Obito said he'd ruin any plans if it did get that far."

"Good, good," Minato nods his head absently, "now what's going on with the Akatsuki organization that Obito-kun is telling us about? Our intelligence says that Orochimaru used to be a membe—" Suddenly, Minato freezes, appalled.

Did Kakashi just say the Uchiha are planning to sic Yoshino on the Nara boy?

…

Watery sunshine wavers in through Itachi's bedroom window as he sinks further into futon to avoid the way the cold morning air prickles his nose. While usually not one to shirk from early rising, Itachi thinks he perhaps to deserves to sleep in late just this once. Images of the Incident with Great-Uncle Madara and the First Hokage still haunt his dreams. Itachi shudders. No, it's best not to think about that. Ever, he decides before deciding to lie under the covers for a few moments longer.

Then, the covers are promptly pulled away from him and Itachi is ambushed by a scissor kick to his face. Or an attempted scissor kick to the face because the day Itachi lets anyone land a hit on him is the day he agrees to go on a date with Jiraiya—there had been an incident at the bathhouse that Itachi would firmly like to forget where the Sannin seemed to assume that long hair and androgynous looks meant being one of the feminine gender, though for some reason it didn't seem to dissuade him when he learned Itachi's true sex—which is to say it will never happen, ever.

Itachi inclines his head slightly as Satsuki as she lands panting, eyes red as freshly spilled blood, in a crouch. "Big Brother," she demands, "I almost got you that time. You said if I managed to last three seconds against you, you'd teach me a new jutsu." At this, Satsuki looks rather peeved. Itachi has no idea why: three seconds is much more than many people can last against him.

Itachi brings two fingers to his throbbing forehead and sighs softly, "Foolish little sister, perhaps another time. It is first thing in the morning and you just tried to kick me in the face."

Satsuki arches an eyebrow as if she does not see the problem with this. "But you promised. You never want to train with me. You just lecture and nag," she says in a tone that could be described as petulant if Uchihas could be called petulant (which they cannot be).

Itachi sighs and reminds to buy himself that book Shisui kept shoving in his face, saying it explained the mysteries of ineffable teenage girls and the mysterious adolescence that effected them. If that's true …. then Itachi would say it would be a very good investment.

"Yes, but how would you the things about which I lecture you if I didn't lecture you in the first place?" Itachi asks.

Satsuki's face scrunches up as it often does when she is confronted by a fact of life she would rather ignore. "Point but do—" Satsuki's voice cuts off dangerously as she sees the other occupant of Big Brother's bed blinking up at her sleepily (this being Shisui, as Izumi was clever enough to slip out when she heard Satsuki's approaching footsteps, thus abandoning Shisui to his fate).

Oh hells no. No one is deflowering Big Brother on my watch. Now I am an Avenger of Big Brother's chastity, Satsuki thinks in a state far too calm, fully embracing the violent twitchy impulses for the first time in five years.

"You," Satsuki growls, somehow inserting promise of countless untold terrors in one syllable.

"Yup, meeee," Shisui responds as his eyes desperately for an exit. He cannot believe that Izumi left him. Hadn't she promised just the other night not to smother him in his sleep now that they had agreed to share Itachi? Death-by-Satsuki is pretty much the same thing in that it ends up with a dead Shisui and much is more painful than death-by-smothering. People who say the Uchiha men are vicious clearly had never met the women in their family.

"What are you doing in Big Brother's bed? And why was Cousin Izumi leaving right before I came in? " Satsuki demands. Shisui holds his hands up in a placating manner.

"Well, you know," Shisui falters and looks to an unmoving Itachi for help. "Itachi, standing still and hoping she doesn't notice you clearly doesn't work. Itachi, do something!" Shisui hisses desperately. Itachi does nothing and remains apparently broken in a state of frozen horror like a traumatized armadillo. Shisui hesitantly pokes Itachi on the shoulder. Itachi falls backwards like an over-limp noodle and hits the floor with a thud.

"Playing dead, Itachi? Playing dead?! Honestly!" Shisui cries almost hysterically. He's too young to die. And too pretty. Who's going to tell Izumi he loves her if he dies? Who's going to tell Itachi he loves him if he dies? Oh to be young and doomed and in a ménage-a-trois … it could almost be the inspiration for Jiraiya-sama's next movie. There will be intrigue, there will be action, Shisui will be played be a devastatingly handsome actor.

"You. Touched. Big. Brother." Satsuki grits out to Shisui, "What. Did. You. Do?"

Shisui considers all possibilities and decides that if his life is going to be inspiration for a tragic chick flick he will bravely meet his imminent demise.

"I touched him a lot more last night," Shisui mutters before being hit with a blast of killing intent. "Errmm, I meant that your Brother's fine, Satsuki-chan, so maybe dial back a little with the death glares. You see when a man and a woman and a man love each other very much—"

Shisui does not manage to finish that sentence as a navy blur crashes into him and then through the wall. How can someone so small and adorable emit so much murder? he thinks idly as his life flashes before his eyes. He gulps and ducks a Chidori aimed at his head. No longer defiant, now he is reminded of the time Great-Uncle Madara had chased him up a tree with his giant war for "accidentally" setting his dentures on fire.

Oh yes, that is where she gets it from, he falls unconscious to his knees clutching his groin.

…

Sakura has never been more grateful for her traditional civilian upbringing than she is right now in Shisui-kun's hospital room. When Sakura had suggested they bring him flowers, Satsuki had only nodded and said she should probably bring him flowers to his funeral. Naruko had giggled and asked if Sakura thought that Shisui would be wearing one of those backless hospital gowns that would let her see his derriere.

"You mean there are ways to display affection other than paranoia and emotional repression and violence towards loved ones?" Shisui asks Sakura in a tone of awed shock at this very civilian concept, "you mean there's a life outside of this?! There's a life where you don't have to plan a coup for the honor of a baby cousin who just tried to kill you because a teenage boy got an erection when you know very well Auntie Mikoto will find out and make that time when Great-Uncle Madara on meds tried to gnaw you to death with his dentures seem like a love bite?!"

"Yes," Sakura says tentatively. She is not even sure what that last sentence means. Satsuki's mother always seems so soft-spoken and sweet. And surely, Satsuki's elderly great uncle wouldn't try to cannibalize someone, would he?

Well, then again, this was the same elderly old man who had sex with the reanimated corpse of the First Hokage in front of an arena-ful of people, and Mrs. Satsuki's-Mother was the woman who birthed Satsuki. Sakura's mother has whispered to her the day Satsuki was born the Nine-tails attacked, a sign from the heavens that Satsuki is supposed to be the force her mother is.

Sakura pauses and fidgets with her hair. "Well maybe, I'm not right with the last sentence, but as a general rule, throwing cou—"

"Naawww," Naruko crows happily as she interrupts, "paranoia, emotional repression, and violence are the best ways to show affection. I know 'caus Satsuki-bitch has done 'em all to me. I think this means she loves me. In Academy, she even tried to throw an uprising 'gainst Iruka-sensei so she could kick me out of the classroom."

Satsuki scowls and glares at Shisui, demanding, "If a coup's going to be thrown in my honor so you idiots can show that you love me, at the very least can it be against the idiot? You'd be doing the village a service."

"Oh, Satsuki-bitch, you really do care," Naruko sobs, clutching her hands to her heart as Shisui solemnly shakes his head. Killing the Hokage's daughter is deemed as unacceptable even by the Uchihas, even if their princess requests it.

Satsuki scowls and catches herself before she can bring her heel down on Naruko's ankle, deciding to ignore Naruko's general existence. Sakura doesn't have the heart to tell her that stopping the violence will just make the blonde more needy for Satsuki's love.

Indeed, within three seconds later, Sakura raises her hand to thwack the both of them when she hears : "Satsuki-bitch, Satsuki-bitch? Satsuki-bitch! Why aren't you punching me? Am I not annoying enough for you?"

…

Fugaku sneakily flips to the next page of the contraband paper and takes a bite out of his forbidden bacon. Crime rates are down. Good, good. But that tariff on horticultural products from Kumo that the Yamanaka are trying to lobby the Council for is ridiculous. What are they thinking? If Fugaku had any say in it—

The newspaper is gently taken out of Fugaku's hands. "Now, now, Uncle Fugaku, didn't Auntie Mikoto and Rin say you weren't allowed to read the newspaper anymore because it does horrible things to your blood pressure? Oh, is that bacon?" Nephew Obito says with a suddenly-stuffed mouth of the forbidden food, slinging his arm around Fugaku's neck. Itachi, temporarily distracted from plotting the total obliteration of the Nara clan, raises his head and nods in agreement.

Fugaku slids his reading glasses down and glares at the assorted men around him. He is clan head, damnnit! Shouldn't that count for something? Fugaku gathers his indignation and readies to deliver a thorough tongue-lashing when a knock on the door silences everyone in the room.

"Hide," shrieks Kagami, "It's her! She's coming! She's coming! I told you she'd find out!" And with that, a dozen grown men begin diving for cover and abandoning their honored clan head to his fate. Fugaku sighs and is only slightly reassured to see his firstborn has not abandoned him.

There is a collective intake of breath when the knob to the entryway begins to turn. A petite figure radiating killing intent enters. The end is near.

…

Gaara scowls as she sees the tippy toes of a two hundred pounds of an Uchiha man shaking behind the tastefully floral draperies. If they are planning on an ambush to discourage her from her pursuit of her prey, they have another thing coming. Kankuro has just explained those annoying homicidal urges and butterflies and sweating palms Gaara had had whenever she thought of the Uchiha before did not mean she was violently unstable. Gaara is in love, Kankuro had suggested hesitantly before Temari had smacked him with her fan, giggling nervously and telling him not to tell Gaara about the "s"-"e"-"x" . Whatever that means.

"Which one of you is the Uchiha clan head?" Gaara demands as she locates the two men in the room not horribly failing to hide. The elder one blinks slowly before inclining his head.

"Here is your tribute," Gaara says flatly as she dumps a squirming sack at Fugaku's feet, "you can kill him however you like. In return, I get your youngest daughter."

"What?" the younger man steps in with a tone even flatter and deader than Gaara's. Gaara is impressed. She had thought no one could beat her lack of intonation. It seems she had been mistaken in identifying Nara Shikamaru as her biggest opponent to Uchiha Satsuki's heart.

"Nara Shikmaru," Gaara clarifies as she tries to stare this arch-nemesis to death, "he's in the sack. You can do whatever you want with him for thinking thoughts about Uchiha Satsuki. In return, I get to do whatever I like with Uchiha Satsuki."

Gaara's arch-nemesis's eyebrows furrow as he shakes his head. "No," he states as if he actually has the power to enforce this, "Satsuki is my younger sister. I won't let you kill her."

Gaara blinks. Something has obviously been lost in translation. These Konoha-nin are obviously deficient. "Is Nara Shikamaru not enough of a tribute for your sister? I can give you my brother as additional tribute as well—" Kankuro will understand this is for the greater good and, oh well, Temari has always been Gaara's favorite "—and I don't want to kill Uchiha Satsuki. I want to be her friend." Temari had said she should try being friends-who-don't-try-to-kill-each-other-to-the-death for a week or two before trying to seduce Satsuki. Gaara admits that this idea may have some merit. She admits that some times she can come off a little strong.

The man in front of her sniffs and Gaara is promptly informed, "Your offer is declined. Satsuki is allergic to friendship. If you don't know this, you aren't worthy of being her friend."

…

Mikoto hums happily as she shifts the grocery bags to a more comfortable position on her shoulder and looks for her keys. She has had the most wonderful chat with Yoshino dear about that boy of hers and the most wonderful night with Kushina where they have finally come up with a fail-proof plan. With no military lock-downs to stop her, Mikoto will fulfill her harem fantasy at long-last. Fugaku and Minato will wear the concubine outfits she and Kushina have picked out for them. This is a certain.

But wait, what is that? Mikoto's Satsuki-senses are tingling. Oh, the males in her family are not planning another coup in the name of Satsuki's honor, are they? She finally just un-grounded them for the last one; honestly, they should really know better. Also, Satsuki is Mikoto's daughter; it should be obvious that she can handle herself. And, if not, they should know Mikoto is more than enough to deal with it.

Mikoto opens the door and quickly notes a poorly concealed Kagami beneath the welcome mat. And then—is that what she thinks it is? Yes, it is. What she sees appears to be her eldest— and supposedly most mature, though right now Mikoto doubts this—child in a furious battle of tug-o-war over Yoshino's son with … that little redheaded Sunan genin, the girl that seems to wish to be Mikoto's future daughter-in-law. Mikoto closes her eyes. She was gone for one night. One night. Must she be the only one with any common sense in this family?

"Itachi, Gaara," Mikoto says in her most disappointed voice, "put the Nara down." A terrified Shikamaru is dropped and quickly scrambles away from the scene. Mikoto smiles reassuringly at him. Poor boy, he looks rather traumatized. Mikoto almost feels bad for unleashing Yoshino on him, but the brat was thinking the most unseemly thoughts about her Satsuki, as evidenced by the erection he had when was sparring with her, and Mikoto acknowledges that she has been a bit overprotective of Satsuki ever since that Incident with Orochimaru (who will die). Yoshino, the boy's own mother, will convey Mikoto's displeasure for her.

And it's better to let a mother deal with her own errant child rather than planning a blood feud after all (unless the blood feud is with Orochimaru who gives Mikoto those horrible twitchy impulses).

Mikoto tilts her head before carefully analyzing the situation. Ahhh, it all makes senses now. "Gaara-chan," she says gently, "you can't go around offering twelve-year-old-boys as tribute if you wish to associate yourself with my daughter. Now take Shikmaru-kun back to his mother. And, no, I don't want your brother or sister either—" Gaara's face turns into an almost-unreadable pout at this, making Mikoto decide to offer the child a ray of hope "—however, once you've turned sixteen, if you bring me Orochimaru's head, your tribute will be enough and you'll have my full blessing to continue when Satsuki comes of age."

Gaara nods her head at this and promptly turns out heel, dragging a hapless Shikamaru behind her. Mikoto smiles happily. Dead Orochimaru and redheaded grandbabies in the foreseeable future. Oh that almost makes up for the talking-to she'll have to dish out to the plotters in a few minutes.

"You see, Mikoto, we were just playing shogi, no coup-planning here," Fugaku says with a remarkably straight face. Mikoto would have expected no less. She wouldn't have married him if he couldn't somewhat effectively lie and tell her that, no honey, the way you beheaded that man with your katana just then did not make you look fat (Mikoto very well knows it did; she was seven month's pregnant with Itachi at the time and the Sound-nin was trying to kill her after all, but she appreciated the sentiment, if not the fact that Fugaku was less brutally/suicidally honest as the other Uchiha men often were).

"Fugaku?" Mikoto says smiling.

"Yes dear?" Fugaku says hopefully.

"Be quiet while I try to figure out how long to ground you this time if it wouldn't be too much trouble, please," Mikoto requests (demands) in her most gentle voice.

"Yes dear," Fugaku responds in a much-less-hopeful tone.

Mikoto breathes in deeply and then she smells—

"Alright," Mikoto grinds out, voice reaching a level of irritation not heard since she and Kushina had to wrestle an ancient primeval fox demon into submission while still in labor thirteen years ago, "who let Fugaku have bacon? "

Obito points to Cousin Kagami who promptly screams and runs through the door, welcome mat still attached to his head.

How rude.

A/N: Next chapter should have a time-skip (there will be Deidera … for reasons) and posted in like three weeks or so.

MyNameIsLaura: Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying it!

Guest: I'm glad you liked Mikoto :) One of these days she'll get her foursome without attempted coups or military lockdown to interrupt it. As far the plot bunny with Naruko, I'm intrigued … *scuttles off and starts drafting how to fit in that plot bunny*

Tamani: Don't worry; Gaara/Sasuke is definitely going to happen eventually down the road :) And hehe, unfortunately for the Uchiha men, Mikoto catches them before them before that can happen ;D