Chapter 17: Testing Waters

The silence is really disturbing. I don't know why I agreed to meet with Mia again. Every time we meet she either sits like a statue, watching me with critical eyes or talks about nonsense all the time because she doesn't want to accept the things Christian and I told her about my 4 years with Jack Hyde.

I sigh for the hundredth time today, looking around the café we agreed to meet at, and take a sip from my now cold tea. She looks as uncomfortable as I feel but she really insisted to see me… I'm having a hard time understanding what it is she wants from me.

"I'm leaving tomorrow night," she says quietly. I nod. Christian already told me that she has been thinking about going back to France for a while, but she stayed for Grace's sake.

"Have a good flight, Mia," I answer, and this time she sighs. Her hand reaches out to touch mine tentatively.

"Ana, I'm sorry." Her voice is full of emotion and she looks like she is about to burst into tears. I squeeze her hand in mine. I can understand how hard it is to face the ugliness of the real world when you've grown up treated as a princess. "It's just so hard to think about the slight possibility of something like that happening to me. I can't even imagine how scared you must be… I'm sorry I acted like I didn't believe you and all the things I said in the beginning." Tears are falling down her cheeks, landing on the perfectly white tablecloth, creating tiny little spots.

I'm speechless, I didn't expect her to apologize but I can't bring myself to accept it. Flynn always tells me to put myself first so I force myself to take a deep breath and square my shoulders.

"I know it's hard, Mia. I never expected you to be my friend or anything, but I can't forget your laughing voice." My eyes fill with tears when I remember her sarcastic comments in the living room of the Grey's house. "I wish Christian could find that place. And I would be able take you and Carrick to the dungeon downstairs. Then we could see how you two would manage to escape." I don't like the way my voice hardens at the end of the sentence but I can't help it, and frankly, I don't want to.

She nods frantically, still crying. "I know I don't deserve forgiveness but can you try to talk to Christian? I want to say goodbye."

I let out a sarcastic chuckle.

"He loves you, Mia. He'll forgive whatever you do as long as you ask him to. I'm not going to apologize on your behalf or Carrick's." I stand up, get my small bag, and place some bills on the table. I don't want to owe her anything. "Goodbye, Mia," I say and get out of the café as fast as I can.

Sawyer opens my door when he sees me approaching. I don't even have the energy to thank him. I just lean my head against the tinted window and close my eyes.

Even though I spent hours in the car on that awful day, I can imagine how shocked the Greys were. Finding yourself in the middle of a huge gunfight between two security teams and your son trying to murder your guest, that has to be shocking. I understand, I do, but I don't think I can ever forget the disgusted look Carrick gave me when Christian, Grace, and Grace's doctor friend Jane tried to calm my full blown panic attack. I can't forget how he told Christian he's a fool if he thinks a basic whore is worth the scandal. I can't forget how Mia laughed when I told the story I have only told Christian.

"Oh, come on!" Mia laughed sarcastically. "You want us to believe that you couldn't get out? You didn't see sunlight for 4 years? I've seen the pictures! I'm sure you enjoyed that sick plays!"

It's impossible to get it out of my head, even though a part of me knows that I should learn to accept these reactions. If I tell anyone else in the future, I know this is the reaction I'll get. Being a human is so tiring… I barely pull myself up from the window when Sawyer opens my door. I thank him and head into Escala. I know Christian planned to lock himself in the office this weekend, but after this tiring conversation, I need to be in his arms.

I take the tea Gail made without saying anything. I don't know how but Gail has a strange ability to understand me when I'm on the verge of snapping. I don't even knock when I enter his office, and he doesn't raise his head from his laptop. I can see he is talking with someone about numbers and facilities; I don't understand what it any of it means. I place the teacups on the nearest table, and with sudden courage I shut his laptops screen down.

"What the fuck, Ana!" He nearly screams but I don't even care. I forcefully plant myself in his lap even though he tries to push me off, muttering how important that call was. He is stronger than me so it doesn't take him long to remove me from his lap and stand up. He is mad, really mad. I can see storms in his gray eyes; he looks like he wants to murder me. Not that I would mind but I need him now. So I reach up and yank his shirt open with all the power I have, buttons fly everywhere but I don't care. I put my hand over his his heart and close my eyes, trying to focus on the unfamiliar, fast beating. He is always warm, I don't know how but he is. I lean into him and put my other hand on his chest. I feel so cold inside. I need him.

I hear and feel as a huge breath leaves his body. His strong arms circle me and he sits back down in his chair, holding me tightly against him. His heartbeat slows down as does my own.

"What happened, Blue?" he whispers and with that nickname, I suddenly feel like I'm back to square one. I bury my head in the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry I shut down your computer like that. It was childish but I need you." I sound like a needy pathetic child. But then, I always feel like a little child when I admit I need him, even to myself.

"You could've told me." He sighs. "You know I've got nothing more important than you are. But you can't interrupt a conference like that. Next time just text me, ok? I'll find a way to end my work as soon as possible. Don't do something like that again." I can hear the authority in his voice and it scares me a lot. I cower and nod. He's right, I know he is. I can't even remember the number of times he left his job to come and calm me down in my sessions in the last 3 months. I know I'm his priority. I don't know why I did that.

"I can't recognize myself." I look up to his eyes. "It's not me. You know I'm still scared of coming here when you are working but I don't know what just came over me. It's not me!" I cry out loud.

"Sshh." He rubs my back. "You know Flynn warned us, remember? You are going to drive me mad because there is a part of you that wants to know if I'm not going to punish you." I sigh, I remember that. He says that even though Christian is the one I trust the most, I still don't trust him at all. He kisses my forehead. "I'm not going to lash out, Blue. I'm not going to beat you. I care about you. You are the most important thing in my life." I try to swallow the huge lump in my throat. My heart hurts when he says things like that.

"Even if I burn The Grace down?" I try to joke, thankfully he plays along.

"I built her, I can build another boat. Let me find a lighter."

"Even if I sell your company to Flynn?"

"I'll sign the papers."

"Even if I force you to listen to the Spice Girls?"

"Whoa! Stop there young lady!" he shouts dramatically, making me giggle. His phone is ringing on the table. He reaches for it and answers the call. I immediately understand it is Ros because someone is screaming and she is the only one who can scream at him. Well I guess I can too. He listens for a few seconds.

"Ana needed me," he says quietly, which stops Ros's screams. She has been my close friend over these months. She doesn't know the details, and I don't think I can ever tell her but she told me that she has had her fair share of monsters growing up and I can talk to her if I want. Usually I don't, but she comes over anytime I go to see Christian in the office and somehow, she makes me feel normal. I'm so ashamed of myself right now. I don't listen to their conversation, I just bury myself back into Christian as close as I can and concentrate on his heartbeat.

MiaPOV

"I don't think she'll talk with you, Dad," I say quietly. It's unsettling to see my father like this. He has always been my number one hero. I used to think that nothing could crush him but apparently I was wrong. We are sitting in his office, where he spends many nights recently. Mom doesn't say anything but we are both ashamed of ourselves. We can't look at her without feeling awful.

Both my dad and I know how disgusting human beings we are. Even though that night three months ago was not her fault, for a long time we felt like it was Anastasia who brought all these trouble to our lives. It was like she broke our family but I know how unfair we were being. I want to throw up every time I remember how I actually thought that she might want these awful things to be done to herself.

Dad pats my hand and lets out a huge breath, his shoulders slumped forward.

"I think it'll be better if I don't try," he murmurs.

"She said that she hopes Christian finds that place Jack kept her. She said—" I swallow forcefully. "She'd tie both of us up and see how we would get out." I don't know if it is possible but my dad slouches in his chair even more.

"It won't be the same though." He laughs without any humor. "There should be someone there to rape and beat us constantly and then maybe we'll understand and stop being such soulless creatures."

I close my eyes, I cried enough today. We made a mistake. A mistake that tore our family apart. Christian, Elliot and Mom on one side, Dad and I on the other. Running away had always been my profession so I do what I know best, even though I know it's wrong. I just hope that they can mend the relationships we destroyed. I don't even know if it's possible to be fixed, but I don't tell Dad that when I rub his forearms.