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Chapter 3

"Tim?"

For a brief moment Tony thought he had lost his mind. Again, his subconscious helpfully supplied. He stared at the other man for what seemed like eternity before he finally spoke.

"Tony."

Tony reached out and hesitantly placed his hand on the man's shoulder. He let out a huff of soft, nearly hysterical laughter when he felt solid flesh beneath his fingers..

"You're alive…" He pulled McGee into an embrace which, after a few awkward moments he returned.

"So are you."

Tony felt a stab of guilt. It was time to own up to what he'd done...and to hope for forgiveness.

"Yeah," he replied as he reluctantly released McGee. "Guess we need to talk about that. Come on in." He stepped aside and McGee slowly walked into the apartment.

"You OK?"

"I've been worse." He settled into one of the chairs and Tony took the other as he studied the younger man. It was clear he wasn't yet fully recovered, but he also knew that mentioning that would get him nowhere.

"So…"

"What happened, Tony?"

"You were there, McGee."

"Not that. Why did you leave?"

"Kinda thought that would be obvious, Tim." McGee raised an eyebrow. "I screwed up. Again."

"How did you screw up?"

"I didn't see… I was distracted. I should have seen that guy before he… Damn it. I thought I got you killed."

"You saved me. They told me that if you hadn't gotten help as fast as you did-"

"I shouldn't have had to get you help in the first place!"

McGee sighed. "I didn't see him either, Tony."

"Yeah, well, I should have. It's...it was my job."

"That's not all it was about, though. You left, not a word to anybody, and…" A look of pain crossed his face. "We thought… We thought you had… Why, Tony? What made you just drop everything you cared about and disappear?"

Tony sighed. "I broke, Tim. Just like Gibbs before he ran off to Mexico. I didn't even realize what happened at the time."

A flash of anger crossed McGee's face. "Bull. Gibbs told us he was leaving. And you… Not a word, Tony! Do you have any idea-"

"Yes. Now I do, Tim. I did realize what I had done, but…" He ran a shaking hand through his hair. "God, this is such a mess." After a few moments he was able to meet McGee's gaze. "Everything that had been building for...years, I guess, had me on edge, and then… it was the final straw. My mind apparently couldn't take it. I had a breakdown, Tim. Psychotic break, Marcia called it. Brought on by PTSD."

"Marcia?"

"My, uh, shrink. Kind of a long story. The whole thing is, actually."

Tim leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm listening."

Tony sighed again. "When you got shot, I… I knew you were dead. In my heart, in my gut, I knew it. And at that point my mind...wasn't listening to anything else. All I could see was that I had gotten someone else killed. Someone else died on my watch, like Kate, like Paula, like Jenny...and like it had almost been Gibbs. Too many people, Tim. Too many good people. Because of me."

"Tony, none of those were your fault. What happened to me-"

"Was my fault. That's how I saw it. How I still see it, sometimes. I was distracted, Tim. I was thinking about all the crap life had thrown at me, how I was going to deal with it, or not deal with it again, and...I should have seen him. I was first in. I was the senior agent. It was my job to protect my partner...and I failed. That's all I could see, and...I guess I thought everyone would be better off if I left. No chance of me getting anyone else killed." He gave a soft, humorless chuckle. "As I said, reality and I parted company for awhile. By the time I realized how bad off I had been...I tried to find your obituary. Never could find it and… Well, still in denial, I just figured they hadn't posted one. Maybe your family requested it. I didn't really know."

McGee pondered that for a few moments before moving on to his next question. "So how did you disappear?"

"I had an old undercover ID. From that op with the Frog. A damn good one, though, a legend, and I used it to disappear." He looked up at McGee. "Apparently not good enough. You found me."

"By pure dumb luck."

"Now I don't believe that."

It was Tim's turn to laugh. "It's true. After you disappeared, we… the rest of the team tried to find you. Nothing. It was like you vanished off the face of the Earth. Gibbs was…" He winced. "Gibbs was determined to find you. Finally Vance had to issue an official cease and desist. I, uh… It was a long time before I was up to doing anything and by that time the trail was cold. I offered, but Vance wouldn't budge, so I set up a few programs after hours, mainly with the facial recognition software we've been testing, and… I finally got a hit. Did some checking and… the pieces fit."

"And you came to find me. Not Gibbs. Guess he was glad to get rid of me after all."

"Don't say that, Tony. I wasn't around during the initial search for you, but...it was bad. He…" McGee sighed. "Seems to be a common theme. He thought it was his fault. I thought it was my fault."

"Your fault? Why?"

"Hey, you're not the only one who can have misplaced guilt."

"Funny. But why did you?"

"You were gone. I was the last member of the team to see you… Like you said, it doesn't always make sense. How did you figure out what happened, anyway? About the, uh…"

"Psychotic break? It took awhile. I don't even really remember how I got here, just that when I finally came out of the fog, I realized that something was wrong. Nothing made sense." He smiled. "Pure dumb luck that I found someone who could help me. I was working at a bar, the owner's daughter came in, we struck up a conversation and suddenly I was having flashbacks of talking to Dr. Kate's Sister. Turns out Marcia's studying to become a psychiatrist and she had some ideas of what was wrong."

"And you actually talked to her? As a patient?"

"Yeah. Desperate times."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Sign of weakness."

"No. It's not. It's not weakness to admit you were wrong, or you could have handled things better. We all could have handled things better." Tim chuckled. "I have it on good authority that Gibbs ripped Metro a new one for letting you leave the scene. That never should have happened."

"No, probably not. What is it they say, whatever can go wrong, will? Guess we should just blame Mr. Murphy and move on."

"Can you? Move on?"

"I kinda already have, Tim. Can't go back. You know that. And...all other things aside, I'm...I think I'm better off."

"How can you be better off, Tony? You loved being a cop."

"'Loved'? Probably too strong of a word, there. It was what I knew. The only thing I knew, for over twenty years. But now I've seen another side of life, and...it's much less complicated. Can't exactly rejoin, not at my age."

"You could teach. At the police academy."

"Nah. Had enough of the teaching gig as 'Professor DiNardo'."

"You realize you didn't actually teach then." Tony noticed the subtle smirk and grinned.

"Yeah, and that's probably for the best. Consider me retired."

"And you're OK with that? Really?"

"Really. I promise. Are you OK?"

"Better than I was...about a lot of things."

"Good."

"But Tony, can you do me a favor? Call Gibbs. Tell him what you told me."

"Would he care?"

Tim sighed. "Yeah, Tony, he would. I know that things were tense with him even before you left, but… I've gotten a different perspective of him lately. I think you should at least try." He reached into his pocket and handed Tony a piece of paper and a small cell phone. "Burner phone. He won't be able to trace back to you...if that's what you want."

"Thanks, Tim. I'll think about it, OK?"

"OK."

"And Tony… Could you, just...keep in touch?"

"Yeah. I can do that, Tim."

"Thanks." He checked his watch. "I better get going. Delilah's probably started to worry."

"Tell Wheels I said Hi," Tony replied with a grin as he helped McGee to his feet. "And if you want to tell anyone else…"

"I can do that. Thanks, Tony. It's...it's a weight off my mind, knowing you're OK."

"Yeah. I'm really glad you're OK, too." He pulled him into another hug and this time Tim returned it without hesitation. "Missed you, Probie."

"Yeah. Missed you, too. See you around?"

"If you insist."

Finally Tim gave him a genuine smile. "I do. G'night, Tony."

"G'night Tim. Be careful out there."

Tim just nodded and walked out the door, closing it softly behind him. Tony stared at the phone McGee had given him and, after a few minutes hesitation, turned it on and dialed the number he'd been given. It rang three times, and then…

"Yeah, Gibbs."

"It's me. Tony." Silence. He thought for a moment that Gibbs had hung up but soon he realized he could still hear Gibbs breathing.

"I know you have a rule against it, but I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like I did, but… it was a little beyond my control. I'm sorry I never checked on McGee...or the rest of the team. I should have. I do realize that now." The silence remained and Tony took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm not coming back, Gibbs. Even if I could… I can't. It's not who I am anymore. I know you probably think I should be out there, catching the dirtbags, but… Nothing I did seemed to matter. There's always more, and...I'm tired, Gibbs. I thought the job would be enough, but...there are better people out there to handle it. I… I've lost too many people. Even though I really didn't lose Tim, it still felt like it, and...I've had enough. I don't… I don't want to be like you Gibbs, not anymore."

"Are you happy, Tony?"

Tony laughed softly. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Then you're a better man than I'll ever be."

"Thanks...Boss."

"Goodbye, Tony. And good luck."

"Goodbye, Gibbs."

A soft click ended the call and Tony gently set the phone on the table. After a few minutes, he started to laugh. A weight he hadn't fully realized he was bearing had been lifted from his shoulder. He was going to be OK.

Eventually.

The End