THE BEAST HAS BEEN CONQUERED AT LAST

seriously guys I have no more energy I'm just going to go die in a corner now, there is no smut here but lots of angst so beware (forgive any typos i'm sick and sleepy)

"Haru, can I talk to you?"

Haru turned, his eyes meeting those of Rin's anxious red ones. They were filled with a strange fire which he had never seen before, a queer flicker of amber flames which somehow unsettled him. He took a step back, and his hand instinctually groped for that of Makoto's. But Makoto was in the pool, helping Nagisa with his kick, and Haru was in the locker room, and there was no escape.

"H-Haru," Rin's voice was nervous, tremulous, and there was a quiver at the end of his words. "I – I have something to tell you. I don't know if you'll want to hear it, or if you'll even care, but I - " He flung his hands in the air in exasperation, lips flapping open and close like a goldfish as he desperately tried to find the words to say.

"Gah!" he exclaimed, and the word was infused with anger. He spun around to face Haru straight on, and this time his mouth was set in a determined line. "I – I like you Haru, always have, it's just that we're going to be leaving high school soon and I don't know if we'll see each other for a while 'cause I'll be going to Australia to train for a couple of years and I don't want to leave without letting you know how deeply I felt about you so I wanted to tell you today. That I like you, I mean." His face was a mask of crimson, his cheeks ablaze with colour, and Haru felt his head spin.

Rin liked him?

But he had never guessed, had never known, would never have thought…

"I understand that you can't give me an answer now, it's just that…" Rin bit his lip, and Haru could see it draw blood. "I'd just like you to think about it." He looked up through his lashes, and Haru could see the indecision and anguish in his eyes. "Do you think I'm disgusting?" he stammered, clutching desperately at the sleeves of his jacket, pulling tightly on the seams. "Do you think it's gross that I… that I…"

Haru shook his head mutely. To call Rin disgusting would be hypocritical after all, since he himself was fucking his best friend.

"Rin…" he said, and his voice was soft, uncertain. "I don't think… I don't know what I feel for you."

"It's just that… when we swim together, I feel so alive, you know?" Rin confessed, his voice a harsh, trembling whisper. "I've never felt that way before. I've never felt that way with anyone. I can't describe how exhilarating it is to swim with you. I've thought about it long and hard and… I don't know what else to call it, if not love." Here he reached out and caught Haru's arm; Haru flinched at the sharp pain of his grip. "You feel the same, don't you?" Rin pleaded, and the raw hope in his eyes made Haru wince again. "I know you feel the same excitement when we swim together. I'm the one who gives you a challenge, who gives you something to fight for, aren't I? You see that, don't you?"

Haru was speechless. It was true that swimming with Rin made him feel freer than he had ever been before, that simply arcing through the water with Rin by his side was a feeling he missed the moment he got out of the pool and stepped onto land. But there was another kind of exhilaration he loved, the kind of warmth that enveloped him as soon as he left his watery haven, and that was the warmth of Makoto's hand.

He shook his head blindly, confused by the thoughts rushing through his mind. "I – I don't know," he managed, his lips dry. "I'll think about it, Rin, I can't promise you anything better than that."

"That's all I need," Rin whispered, and his voice was cracked – he had to clear his throat and repeat the words to make them audible. "I'll – I'll wait for your answer." With that, and a last fleeting look towards Haru, he zipped up his jacket and left the locker room, the familiar sharp-toothed grin back on his face.

As soon as the door banged shut behind him, Haru slid to the floor, cupping his face in his hands. He thought of Rin, of the auburn hair which always swirled around his face like a corona of light; of the gleaming spark of mischief which had only recently been restored to his red eyes; of the slick curve of water that arced from his chin as he heaved himself from the water. He could not deny that Rin awoke something primeval in him, something restless and competitive and fierce, something that didn't appear without the threat of a red-haired shark hounding him desperately from behind, but at the same time it was a feeling he could do without. He had always considered Rin's influence in his life a troublesome bother, and although that had changed to feelings of mild tolerance and even friendship in the last few years, the faint itch and irritation he got under his skin whenever Rin slung an arm over his or ruffled his hair into a mess hadn't disappeared. He needed the water, but he didn't need Rin.

And he didn't need Rin like he needed Makoto.

"Rin confessed to me today," Haru said, dropping the words like a weighted stone into the silence between them. The comfortable atmosphere between them suddenly became cold, rigid, tense, and he saw Makoto lift his head from the textbook to face him.

There was no mistaking that hard, blank stare in Makoto's eyes, a look which disappeared the instant he connected with Haru's, but a look which had existed, even for a split second, and had provided a window to his true feelings. But this time Haru did not flinch, did not cower, and instead steadily held the innocent stare. Makoto cocked his head slightly to the side, a characteristic move, and smiled sweetly, although Haru could see the ice behind the saccharine.

"Confessed to you?" he asked, his voice soft. "He… said he liked you, Haru?" His fingers continued to press numbers into the calculator, slowly but surely, and that unnerved Haru somewhat, until he looked at the knuckles of Makoto's right hand and realised they were white.

"He did," Haru responded, softly, wanting to bite his lips and cover his head and run, but somehow finding the strength to stay still. Now there was an electric stillness in the air, a tension which made him realise that, whatever he said at this moment, in this second, would change things between them forever.

The fingers on the calculator stilled, and the only thing in Haru's vision now was those white knuckles, gripping tightly onto the edge of the table, leaving gouges on the teak wood. "And what did you say?" Makoto's voice was even softer, even tenderer, if that was possible, gentle and coaxing, as if to say "everything will be all right". Yet Haru could hear the thin line of strain beneath that façade, and suddenly all he wanted to do was to pry it apart and watch it break until it exposed Makoto, the Makoto who was holding himself in and pushing him out and just hurting somewhere deep inside.

And so now he weighed his options, in the split-second that yawned like a chasm between them. What words would pull forth the primitive beast in Makoto, what words would make the good loser in him turn tail and run, what words would make the 'normal' Makoto curl up and cry.

He opened his mouth to speak, but then a heavy pressure on his hand cut off his speech, and he looked down in surprise to see Makoto's hand on his. Suddenly he was aware of a very large, very real presence before him, of a cold smile that sent a shiver down his spine, of a soft gentle voice which made him tremble with fear and that all-too-familiar exhilaration.

"What did you say, Haru?" Makoto asked, tilting his head to the side in a movement that was almost grotesque. "You can tell me, you know. I won't mind. After all, we both know to whom your body belongs, don't we?" All of a sudden his eyes liquefied, melted into a warm puddle of green, and Haru felt himself unconsciously exhale. "You're mine, Haru, aren't you?"

Faced with this sudden attack, Haru shot to his feet, anger streaking across his face and colouring his cheeks an unnatural red. He watched as Makoto tumbled off the table, confusion and fear flashing through his features as he tried to process what had just happened.

"I'm not anyone's," Haru whispered, and his voice was hoarse. "I have to be free, Makoto, I thought you understood that more than anyone else." There was a thin film of tears across his eyes now, as he turned and stalked blindly for the door, and then he realised that there were arms around his waist, feverish words at his ears, and then he felt the weight of tears soaking through his shirt. Makoto's tears.

"I'm sorry, Haru," he was crying, the words slurred and soft and hiccupping, and Haru flinched unconsciously at the pathetic childlike quality of the sobs, "If you left me – If you left me I wouldn't know what to do, I've always only wanted you, Haru, please don't leave me, I didn't mean to bind you to me or anything, I just didn't want you to go to Rin, of all people, I know that's selfish of me – I've always only wanted what you wanted for yourself, but I've always wanted to have you too, and it's just – it's just – I don't know what I would do without you, Haru. You're my life, you're the reason I swim, Haru-chan, I don't want you to leave me - " At this break in the sentence he stopped to wipe his tears on his sleeve, but Haru whipped around and hugged him hesitantly to his chest. They made an almost comical sight, the stoic, smaller figure embracing the larger, heaving frame. Haru stood like that for a while, feeling the weight of Makoto's slowly calming sobs resting lightly on him, the gentle giant careful even now not to rest his entire weight on him.

"Makoto," he said, when he gauged that the tears had more or less stopped, "sit down." It wasn't an order, but it wasn't a request either. Makoto obediently plopped to his feet in front of the kotatsu and continued to wipe away his snot and tears with the back of his hand. He refused steadfastly to look at Haru, even as the latter tried to get his attention by proffering tissues or handkerchiefs or the like.

They stayed there in silence for a few moments, Haru letting Makoto catch his breath, Makoto repeatedly opening and closing his fists to calm himself down.

"Those girls were right," he said, at last, his voice muffled. "I am pathetic." He accompanied this with a suppressed hiccup.

Haru shoved his chin up forcefully and looked into his wide, tearful eyes. "You are not pathetic," he said quietly, fiercely, "Makoto is strong."

"How can you say that when I've been treating you so meanly the entire time, Haru!" Makoto cried out with a sudden bitterness, clenching his fists so hard Haru could see the bloody crescents in his palm reopening. "I've been really uncaring to you, Haru, I've practically been raping you this entire time - "

"There hasn't been once where we've done it without my consent, Makoto," Haru cut in. "Listen to me." He waited for Makoto's shoulders to stop heaving, and for his body to relax, before he continued. The words came tumbling out in a volley, unsure and hesitant, but still resolute. Now was the time for him to express his fears, his insecurities, and to cover up Makoto's own, and he was not going to mess this chance up.

"I've been afraid of you, Makoto," he began, gripping on to the other's hand tightly as if he feared that he would run away, "I've been afraid because I didn't know what you were thinking. I was afraid because I saw a side of you that I'd never seen before. But it… it would be a lie to say that I didn't enjoy it, because I did. I… I like you, Makoto, I like all your different sides and neuroses and insecurities because those're what make you, you." Haru saw the large bell-shaped tears starting to spill out of Makoto's green eyes, the dark haze that fell away at last to reveal the very vulnerable, very weak child inside. He hesitated, wondering if he should say more – already, the words were fluttering around inside his mouth and mixing up his thoughts – "You can tell me what you feel, Makoto, tell me everything you want and everything you've felt. I was honest with you, Makoto, now you have to be honest with me."

Makoto lifted his other hand and tried futilely to stem the flow of tears from his eyes. His voice was a little more high-pitched than usual, choked by the clog in his throat, but he managed to continue speaking. "I don't know what's been wrong with me," he whispered, softly, "I've never felt like this before, Haru, I swear I never thought of you this way before, until – until last year, at the relay. When I realised how precious Rin was to you. Then I realised that you didn't need me the way you needed Rin, that one day you and Rin would stand on the same stage and there wouldn't be a space for me next to either of you. It… It scared me, Haru, knowing that there was a future for you without me, and I was afraid – afraid that you'd forget me if I didn't try to stay with you at all costs." The incessant flow of words from his mouth was jumbled, hurried, forced, and yet it rang with a curious earnest sincerity which left Haru's heart thudding. He stopped, there, and looked up hesitantly at Haru through his tear-coated lashes, as if afraid that he'd said too much.

Haru smiled, gently, as big a smile as he could (although it was little more than a slight upturn of the lips), and Makoto's face lit up, reflecting that smile with an uncertain one of his own.

"I need you more than I need Rin, Makoto," he said, stoically, and leaned forward to kiss Makoto on the mouth. They met softly, and he could feel the soft persistent hiccup in Makoto's throat. This time, they went slowly, with Makoto preparing him gently with the lube he kept under his bed, and with plenty of foreplay and kissing and stroking, but this time Haru didn't try to hide his screams of pleasure as Makoto thrust roughly into him, didn't try to stop himself from digging his nails into Makoto's broad back as they came together. As they lay there on the bed, satiated and gasping and clasping hands, Haru leaned over to give Makoto another peck on the lips.

"You can be a little jealous if you let me be a little jealous sometimes too," he said, and they smiled.

"Haruka-senpai!"

Haru turned questioningly, to face a small brunette girl with her hair in pigtails and a box of chocolates in hand. She was a blushing, stammering mess, her green eyes darting frantically about and her fingers pulling desperately at her skirt as if she would rather have been anywhere but there, in that corridor, giving chocolates to a senpai.

Haru looked at the chocolates in her hand, back up at her face, and took them with a non-committal tilt of the head. "Are these for me, or for Makoto," he said, the words more of a statement than a question, with his deadpan intonation. She chanced a quick glance at his face, then darted her eyes away, the blush on her cheeks even more profuse than before.

"F-F-For you," she stammered, one hand picking and unpicking at her hem. Haru glanced distastefully at the pale pink manicure on her hand, the nail polish quickly becoming scratched off and ugly with the way in which she was abusing her nails, but he hid his repulsion and smiled slightly in acknowledgement. There was a small spiteful satisfaction in his chest as he walked off towards the classroom, where Makoto was waiting for him.

"I got these from a girl," Haru said, the moment he sat down next to Makoto, and he watched the smile on the other's face ossify. He took a piece of the chocolate, and offered a particularly repellently-shaped one to the other.

"Is that so?" Makoto said, as he took the offering, and his eyes crinkled dangerously, in a way that Haru knew signalled heated, animalistic sex later in the day, when Makoto would press him against the wall and take him like a beast. Sometimes when he wanted it slow and loving he would take care to keep Makoto in a good mood all day, so that when they returned home Makoto would make love to him slow and easy. But other times…

God, this was all kinds of fucked up, he knew, but if he'd wanted normal he would have picked Rin, and he wanted Makoto.

wow makoto sure was whiny here i'm sorry

side note: i love rin and ship him always with sousuke so no worries he will get a sequel if i have time

reviews are love :3 but seriously my hands are cramped cos i banged this out in literally one hour ok. find me on tumblr at kitcatkandy 3