Distorted & Disordered

Chapter 24

**Trigger Warning:** Discussions of trauma, feels and diagnoses

Somewhere within the scramble of getting to Twin Rivers, being wheeled into its corridors and departing from the safety of Carol and the life Loki once knew behind him, he wished that the entire experience would pass by in a blur, but instead it was agonizingly slow and arduous.

Carol gave him an encouraging smile that lingered in his mind for hours after, and they even let him keep the peach blanket that had shrouded his soul and small frame, Loki instinctively clutching onto it for dear life. He wrapped himself so tightly in its arms that he could feel the skeletal frame of himself being pulled taunt against the sheet. He sighed to himself and bit his lip.

He had only barely glimpsed the ward when he had entered. The disconcerting lock and click of the doorway sending a chill and unbridled fear down the length of his spine; what the hell was he getting himself into?

From what he had seen, between the nutmeg colored smooth flooring to the barely distinguishable yellow pallor to the walls and a mere flicker of characters in what appeared to be the main room, Loki was then thrust into being dismantled from his stretcher and trailed off into a closed room that held light green walls and large, heavy black chairs.

What had he gotten himself into, indeed.

"Please, sit," the large man with an octopus tattoo gestured to a nearby chair. Loki sunk into it albeit slowly and with trepidation encircling his being.

"First time?" the man asked, smiling weakly.

Loki stared at him blankly before minutely nodding his head.

"Never fun," the man continued, "The name's Paul for me. Yours?"

Loki wasn't sure if it was merely a formality or a way to edge into the conversation but he kindly responded with, in a soft whisper, "Loki."

"Aaa, nice to meet you, Loki." Paul remarked, unhooking from behind his back, what little of it Loki had seen earlier, a pile of paperwork.

"There's a lot to go through and you probably won't retain all of it right now but Twin Rivers does have the graciousness to supply its clients with folders for you to review the information later on your own time." Paul grinned, mildly. "First, here's that folder." Paul slid a brown folder, blank on both sides, towards the teenager. "In it you'll find a layout of the group schedule during the week," Paul grimaced, "you'll start tomorrow on that, obviously." He gestured left to where the night had begun to eat away the day. "You'll find paperwork about your rights and who to file any complaints to if you deem it so necessary; you'll find rules of the program; information regarding insurance and payments, probably something for your parents to review later, and.." Paul trailed off momentarily, "…that should be it for you."

Paul sneaked his body into a chair and fiddled with his own sets of paperwork.

"So, since you're new, I'll give you a rundown of what Twin Rivers offers here, sounds good?" Paul looked expectantly towards Loki and the teenager flicked his head in assertion though it was more of a twitch and twinge of a gesture than a full committal nod.

"Good," Paul reiterated regardless and Loki wondered to himself if his responding yes or no would have really mattered or counted for much anyways. "Since this is your first time, I'll get started on the rules of the program. So, we have a list in the folder I just gave you what these all entail so you have something to refer back to, but of course as a psychiatric facility we cannot allow strings of any kind to be in your possession as you roam the ward. This means shoes without shoelaces if you choose to wear them without them, most people just wear non-skid socks, which we'll supply to you, too. Hoodies cannot have strings either which also includes the same with pants and it's a hard no on belts, for that matter, either. No electric cords, understandably, are allowed. No headphones unless used in the common areas of the ward. Some places are different for their rules and such too, by the way," Paul glanced briefly at Loki before continuing, seemingly satisfied for the blank stare that Loki was emitting back to him.

"No cell phones or photographic pictures or videos are allowed, of course, because we have to respect each patient's privacy and that would be a HIPAA violation." Paul clucked his tongue, reminding Loki of a small chicken. He wondered if he'd ever get the chance to grow old and raise chickens in the countryside. (Loki's brain was slowly checking out of the situation and conversation.)

"You'll have a roommate and you're not allowed in other patient's rooms nor are visitors, if you have any, are either. Visitors can come every week day from five o'clock to seven, from two o'clock to five o'clock on weekends in addition to five o'clock to seven. Visitors have to be seen either in private rooms like this one or in the main community rooms. Visitors can bring in food or drinks for you but we ask to limit the amount of this purely for keeping it with your initials in the fridge. Additionally, if you have common food allergies-like nuts, shellfish, gluten-we ask that you let us know, if it's not already in your medical documents, and that you check in with staff for other clients who may have these allergies before you receive food from external sources. Basically, we just want a screening to be conducted for food from outside sources so that everyone stays safe." Paul glanced up at Loki then. "Our main goal is to keep you guys safe."

He swallowed and sighed then continued, with some rising inflections in his voice to keep things interesting, "Items that visitors bring in for you, including clothing or personal supplies like hygiene-alcohol free, of course-or notebooks and journals, need to be checked and searched by staff before you can receive them. Staff will keep any belongings that cannot be in your possession behind the main nurse's station. They will be locked up in a room only accessible by other staff and any important personal items such as wallets, cell phones, and things to that nature will also be kept in a locked area.

"Should you need something from your personal belongings that has to be kept behind the nurse's station, you'll be asked to sign it out on a piece of paper and sign it back in before groups begin or before the end of the shift. Things that may be included in this category involve wire-bound notebooks, most particularly. You're in school?" Paul glanced up at Loki again and Loki flinched a weak nod back to him.

"You'll probably be able to receive your schoolwork in here from family, but we have to watch you when it comes to the spiral bound notebooks. We also ask everyone to be strip searched before they enter into the facility as well, so we'll complete that next. You can make and receive phone calls by the corded phones that can be found near the nurse's station, there are two and the number to reach the ward can be found on the wall by them. We ask that if you have any stapled packets like from school that they be removed to ensure the proper safety precautions for all of our youth.

"Bathrooms can be found connected to rooms and the switchable lock can be found on the inside. We do ask that you remember to unlock the door upon leaving as otherwise this makes it difficult for the next patient to open and get inside without asking for staff." Paul stretched a large hand over the stubble on his chin in thought. "Your vitals-blood pressure, temperature, heart rate and breathing rate-will be checked each morning by nursing staff. If you are on any medications, you will receive them promptly at eight AM and eight PM, and other times like lunch or early evening if necessary. Nursing meets with you periodically, and the psychiatrist and psychologist on your case will try to meet with you daily.

"Meals are observed by staff in the dining and sometimes in the common area in the case of visitors or snack time. We don't have a separate cafeteria in this location so all meals will be conducted in the dining area. Staff will perform as necessary safety checks typically every fifteen minutes on each client, depending on if more like five minute checks are necessary for those struggling with more severe symptoms or are deemed unsafe. Groups are encouraged to be attended and there will be a whiteboard that you can find, alongside the loose leaf paper I'm giving you in your folder, which you can refer to in making decisions to attend them. Most of the groups include some variation of music therapy, art therapy, group therapy, tai chi, mindfulness and specific therapy based modules like CBT or DBT.

"I should note that this is a locked and secure unit which means that people need a keycard or to be let in by staff and once inside you cannot leave until you are discharged. On better days, weather permitting, staff can bring patients out into the courtyard but that probably won't be applicable in your case, given the season." Paul regarded him kindly. "I'll make note for the morning staff to give you a tour of the unit so that you can get some rest tonight, but, do you have any questions that I didn't answer or cover from before?"

Loki's green eyes were as wide as an owl's, as he slowly blinked and tried to best absorb every droplet of information that had just been branded into his skull.

"Uh…" Loki stated so quietly that he wasn't even sure he had uttered any syllables. "I mean, no?" Loki shivered, fingers picking at his dry lips in nervousness.

"It's okay if you don't," Paul admonished, quickly. "It's a lot to take in and with the new morning ahead you'll be able to walk around more and ask questions when you're in a little better frame of mind." Paul smiled encouragingly. "We typically start and end the day with a group asking for an attainable goal of the day, whether you achieved that goal and what groups you're looking forward to as well as rating your day on a scale of one to ten." Paul's kindness grew. "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it over the next few days." Paul's face brightened with an idea. "Typical stay is about a week, depending on various factors. You'll be working with your treatment team to best develop your next steps after being here. You got here close to the weekend, so it may be that someone will meet with you tomorrow, and if not, they'll be seeing you by Monday. Psychiatry will probably meet with you," Paul remarked, stretching both physically and into the caverns of his brain. "Tomorrow to get you started on any regimen but whoever knows for sure?" He chuckled.

"Would you mind doing that strip search now? I'll walk you through it."

Loki untangled his groaning limbs from the chair, standing unsteadily on narrowing appendages.

Paul walked him through the motions, calling on another staff to help him with the process: mainly helping him change into a new set of scrubs from Southbridge's (he got to keep the teal ones though), holding a Johnny in front of Loki so that the other staff whose name Loki immediately forgot, could pat down Loki's legs with the back of their hand and searched Loki's socks for any hidden weapons before having him drop his underwear to make sure it was all clear in there too.

Loki felt briskly humiliated thereafter but they both gave him encouraging and compassionate smiles that Loki tried to feel warmed by. It didn't completely work, but he gave it his best.

Then, Loki was led to his living quarters for the next week, at least. The main hallway, with its bright, almost orange glowed lighting, wafted into the dark black room where Loki could just barely make out a sleeping form rustling in the bed farthest from the door.

"You're in bed one," Paul mentioned, directing Loki to the center stage, where he placed a large, brown paper bag with Loki's allowed belongings onto a small desk. "Your clothing was cut during your admission to the hospital so you can use two of our Johnny's for the front and back as well as the teal scrubs you came in with until your folks can bring in more clothing for you. You can either change now or in the morning, whichever is most comfortable for you." Paul mentioned, voice soothing either because of how tired Loki was or because he had been dreaming the night and days ahead away. "Night shift will be here in a few hours but it's probably too soon to get you onto melatonin or something to help you sleep. They'll figure that out once you see the doctor." Paul rubbed his hands together, almost fidgety. "Try to get some sleep, but if that doesn't work, you can lounge in the common area or read a book if that's your thing." Paul smiled again, obviously wanting to say more but stumbling over his words. "It's a lot to take in, so remember to go at your own pace. We're here to help if you need it." Paul waved then, stepping backwards out of the room.

Loki managed to mutter a small thank you that didn't quite meet his own ears before he was tucking himself in between the sheets, ambulance blanket still clinging to his shoulders and before he really meant to, he was fast asleep, ready to make this nightmare go away.

The adolescent startled awake when a loud knock resounded on the wood of his door. Bleary green eyes parted open to be washed with bright yellow-white light from the long hallway. It took him another moment longer to realize that it was another staff member at his door and that the once crumpled shape in the bed next to him was a person shifting awake and stretching their arms above their head.

"Good morning," the staff person said, moving towards Loki with a pair of blue gloves on, a vial in one hand and a small bucket filled with other vials in their right hand. "I'm Jean from nursing. We just need to get a couple vials of blood from you. Is that okay?" She smiled politely, her bright green eyes filled with warmth and an intense amount of alertness.

Loki shook himself awake, or at least partially more awake, in his still foreign bed and nodded his consent, sticking out a pale arm to have the red fluid circling his body drained out.

Jean came scampering over and made a little small talk as she collected her samples.

"How did you sleep last night?" she asked with interest.

Loki shrugged noncommittally. "Okay." He murmured. He yawned. "I'm not…no longer as much of an early riser as I used to be."

Jean hummed and nodded. "Well, our bodies can certainly change when we're going through stressful times. It's common to find yourself either sleeping too much or too little. If you happen to fall into the latter and you still feel tired you can still get a couple hours rest before you go out to eat breakfast. It's only…" Jean gestured to the watch on her wrist. "…about six forty-five, so you have a good hour left." She smiled a little and clasped the last vial. "Thank you so much!"

With that said Jean twirled on her heel and contentedly left the room, before pausing at the doorway and saying, "I hope you feel better soon!"

Loki smiled a little as he found himself yawning again and sank back into his otherwise white sheets, minus his peachy blanket.

Maybe another hour would be nice… he thought, pondering to himself.

It wasn't like he had a lot to do otherwise.

But the wheels in his head were already beginning to turn again as he listened quietly to the noise that was infiltrating from down the hall.

He still had his tour of the ward with staff to complete and Loki wasn't sure where exactly the dining area was nor did he even know how large this facility was to begin with.

He felt his anxiety grip him tightly, uncertainty encompassing him.

Oh, how he longed for mother to be there to guide him.

He shifted in his bed, curling onto his side, knees up to his chin. He wished he had something to physically hold onto. Right then his life felt like it was crashing and falling apart around him. He wondered how he had gotten to this point, how it had all gone so terribly wrong.

Tears pricked his eyes as he found himself longing for the freedom that his brain had once ago promised him.

I can't do this, he thought, exasperated with the despair that grew from the shadows in his mind. I-I can't.

He thought he would be strong enough but maybe that had all just been another lie.

He sniffled quietly, wishing someone could see his pain while still battling inside himself that he shouldn't burden anyone else with his mess.

All the words that Frigga once said, that Thor once said, that once existed…seemed to disappear from his consciousness. It was like he had no one and nothing left and the fact that he'd have to try and eat something only minutes to come, was too insurmountable to consider.

How was he going to do this? He couldn't do this. It was too much.

Before he even realized it, his tightly squeezed eyes were leading him back into the escapism of sleep. But even in his dreams, Loki was tortured. When would this cruelty end?

Loki was awakening again from another knock on his door.

"Breakfast!" called the staff into the room and Loki nudged himself awake, glancing over to an empty bed in his bedroom.

Loki frowned, someone had been there, right?

He slinked out of his bed, still refusing to leave behind the peachiness that soothed his soul, and he tried not to worry too much what other people might think of him given the circumstances. He was tired, too tired to care any longer. If this hospitalization would be anything like school, he wouldn't even get noticed, anyhow.

Loki blinked rapidly when the bright light of the hall invaded his eyes without his wishing it to. He turned right down the hallway and walked with a mouth slightly open, eyes casting over what he could see.

The nutmeg flooring was comprised more of blue flecks than Loki had been able to notice last night. The yellow of the walls was so slight that Loki even found himself awed and comforted by it. He glanced into bedrooms, noting that he was in the all males section, so they must be segregated by gender. He saw that bedrooms were only made up with two individuals and he saw one boy down the hall talking to himself which made Loki's heart skip a beat, wondering if this was really the reality of psychiatric facilities or if everything he had ever heard mocking these scenarios were just horror stories with little basis in truth.

Loki wandered further, eyeing the nurse's station where the workers were residing.

An open and bright face spotted him and asked, "Hi there, I'm Elijah. I haven't seen you before, are you new?" Elijah's rich brown eyes looked at Loki and Loki found himself blushing slightly out of embarrassment and being caught.

"I got in last night," Loki replied. "I'm Loki."

"Aaa, God of Mischief in Norse mythology, very nice," Elijah nodded his head, a gleam in his eye. "I'm a big nerd," he said as way of explanation. "Star Wars?"

Loki shrugged a shoulder. "A little."

"Star Trek?"

Loki stuck out his tongue.

"Harry Potter?"

Loki grinned, nodding his head vigorously.

"There we are," Elijah joked, finger gunning the air. "House?"

"Slytherin, of course," Loki responded, rolling his eyes as though it were obvious.

Elijah smiled brightly, "All right, now we get to discuss this as I show you around. You get the tour yet?"

Loki shook his head.

"That means you'll get an excellent one from me." He began to step to the side. "You been to nursing yet?"

Loki shook his raven head again and Elijah came around from the large desked station and pointed towards a curve in the hall before them.

"Nursing's right down there, they're gonna run your vitals and check your weight, if they haven't already." Elijah eyed Loki as the teen stiffened in response. Elijah took in this information and said lowly, "They don't have to show you if that's a problem for you."

Loki didn't really say or do anything in response to that, secretly knowing that he knew exactly how much he weighed because he'd been checking so compulsively for months but he thought that maybe he could get an edge over Ananias if he wasn't shown it to begin with. Maybe this was his shot at starting fresh. And he could use every bit of help he could get to manage that, right?

Loki responded under his breath, "I'd rather not know." It wasn't exactly the truth but it was probably as close as he was going to get for a while.

Elijah nodded and led him to the small line composed of three other patients. Elijah waited by his side, even when earning some upturned noses raised high and rolled eyes from some of the other teenagers. Loki wasn't sure if that was because of Elijah being there or the fact of Loki's mere presence. He hated that he took it all so personally and made everything about himself but he couldn't stop his brain from doing so and he was so very, very tired of it all. If he could manage to hit the fast forward button in his life, he needed it now most of all.

He was so absorbed by feeling silently judged by his fellow psychiatric peers that he mostly missed Elijah describing the unit.

"Down the hall that way is where the girls are separated, you can't go down there, though," Elijah added as an afterthought. "But right over here is the Comfort Room; you can take space in there as long as no one else is in it to calm down from being escalated, use the coping box or sometimes have visits if all the other rooms are filled.

"Down over there is the main group room; you'll have pretty much all groups in there. Are you thinking of attending a group today? It would be for the best, you'll probably even be pulled out from some by your treatment team." Elijah explained matter of fact. "The whiteboard listing all groups is on the wall by the nurse's station, which is near the med window. Back down past your room is the dining area where you'll all have your meals. And then near there is the common area where you can watch TV, play board games, interact with peers or find some heavy reading material. Any questions?"

Elijah looked pleased with himself and Loki found himself shrinking inwards at just the mere mention of food.

He sighed and said it was okay, at least, he thought he did.

By then it was his turn to enter the room and Elijah had to scramble out, reiterating that if Loki had any questions he could ask him or other staff and they'd try their best to help.

As Loki stepped up to the scale, he felt his heart rate increase from its slow crawl as he was almost doused in sweat.

The worker before him frowned in sympathy.

"You can face the other way," she described, having him turn with his back towards the numbers on the scale. It was so strange to the teenager, not seeing what familiar numbers would normally meet his eyes. He felt both too big and not nearly small enough to even be eliciting such reactions. Maybe all this talk about eating disorders was just something he'd made up in his mind and everybody thought he could be deluded into thinking he even had any real problems to start with? Tears pricked his eyes as a flash of sudden anger infiltrated his spirit.

Ananias, shut up, Loki thought, growling lowly.

If the worker heard it, she didn't identify so.

"All right," she said, taking notes onto a sheet of paper as she recorded the information regarding his vitals. "You're all set." She clicked her pen off and Loki wandered out of the room, still eyeballing the scale that practically called out to him.

He made it to the dining area without much trouble and found himself floored again by the fact that he had to find somewhere to sit. Before the anxiety of such a task could fully enter his mind, he tried to slow his breathing and take in the scene one piece at a time.

The room was made up of pale lavender walls with large paintings of willow trees and birch trees adorning the walls. There were decently sized dark brown tables with heavy blocks of chairs that didn't quite match the setting (but were difficult to throw, as Loki would learn) seating about three to four teens at each table. There was only about six tables altogether and Loki managed to find one that was relatively empty.

To the side, was a long silver table with a window where meals would be served from. Loki guessed another worker would be behind it to give them their meals and he glanced his eyes over the bowl of yogurts, the pre-packaged cereal bowls on a black rack and the brew of coffees or teas along the countertop. Loki noticed some fruit in a bowl too, and he shifted himself lazily towards this, plucking out a yogurt that he was hoping to himself would be low calorie (and for which his insides groaned at) as he maneuvered his way towards a table.

Another young boy was staring dismally into his bowl of cereal sometimes looking up to the morning weather channel being depicted from the TV on the wall, but otherwise he remained quiet and undisturbed by Loki's existence.

Loki was just managing to set shaky hands onto the lid of his yogurt when he heard a noise of alarm from his side.

"New guy!" Came a voice to his right and Loki swiveled his eyes to meet a brown haired, brown eyed male teen. Loki tilted his head imperceptibly but the boy noticed, setting down his chosen meal as he pulled out a chair, muttering, "Mind if I sit here? Cool." He said without waiting for Loki's response.

This mildly annoyed the teen in question but Loki also felt his spirit rise in having been noticed for what felt like the very first time in his life. For so long he had spent living in the shadows, yes, getting social interaction from Thor and his friends, but Thor and his friends-his friends-were not there for him anymore and Loki felt touched that someone was trying to be nice when it felt like everyone around Loki already hated him.

This new teenager seemed, in parts, eccentric and Loki couldn't help but feel both exhausted in empathy for him and also exhilarated with the novelty.

"So, what are you in for?" The teenager blinked at Loki, before setting his eyes back onto the food in front of him. "Sorry, I mean, let's start with names. Hi, I'm Tony, who are you?" He grinned, "Besides the new guy that is."

Loki chuckled, caught somewhere between nervousness and being enlightened by this character before him.

"I'm Loki," he replied, dipping his plastic spoon into the strawberry yogurt he wasn't even certain he'd be able to eat.

"Nice to meet you, Lokesters," Tony grimaced mildly. "Of course, it'd be better under different circumstances, of course." Tony hummed to himself in thought. "Damn, they really gave you the short end of the stick, huh? Being admitted on a Friday suuuuucks, 'cause then you've got the whole slow weekend ahead of you. Shitty luck." Tony mused, dipping his own plastic spoon into his cereal and munching on a large mouthful. "Huuu fffuum hm?"

Loki felt equal parts entertained, confused and…intrigued by this human.

"What?" he asked instead, green eyes dancing with a light that hadn't shown in them for so long.

Tony swallowed thickly, laughing to himself a little more. "Who are you rooming with?" Tony's brown eyes rolled at his own stupid question. "Sorry, you probably don't know anybody yet, do you?" Tony glanced around the room before spotting someone that looked familiar.

"Capsicle!" Tony shouted out and Loki practically choked on the spoon that was unmistakably lingering in his mouth, lips closed around it. He wasn't sure if he was choking on the food itself or from this Tony's loud outburst. Loki bristled in turn, unsure if this was the type of… "crazy" he wanted to deal with in his life.

He immediately kicked himself for it, even as his brain reasoned with himself that they were all probably thinking that of him. He sighed. He had a lot of work to do.

Before he could ponder on this further, a blonde haired, blue eyed teenager was quirking a brow in Tony's direction as he set his tray of scrambled eggs, a waffle and a bowl of cereal down onto the tabletop.

"Tony, I told you not to call me that," he said begrudgingly, knowing this wouldn't stop the teen.

"Sorry, Cap," Tony shot him a grin between mouthfuls. "You know how I can't resist."

'Cap' rolled his eyes and looked towards Loki.

"Steve," he said, reaching out a hand that Loki suspiciously took and shook lightly.

"Loki," the teen replied after just managing to swallow both his pride and his yogurt.

It practically screamed going down.

"Now we just need our science bro," Tony said, scratching his head in thought.

"Leave him be," Steve admonished but Tony kept searching through the nameless teenagers.

Loki managed to peek over his own shoulder in consideration both slyly and not at all knowing who he was looking for.

"I was just asking him what he's in for," Tony said to Steve and Steve sighed audibly.

"You know how I told you not to do that?" Steve looked expectantly at Tony.

Tony laughed out loud and shrugged.

"Old habits die hard." He scrunched his facial features and added, "It's how we get to know one another here."

"By intrusive questions?"

"By asking questions." Tony clarified. He shrugged, "I mean," he glanced towards Loki, "only if you're comfortable sharing. It's okay if you're not. I can go, if you want?" Tony asked, this time uncertainty scrawling across his features.

Loki looked at him somewhat blankly and Tony blanched, thinking it was something he did wrong.

"I'm sorry," he glanced quickly at Steve. "I think I broke him." He let out a disheartened smile, unsure of what to do next.

Steve shook his head and looked back towards Loki, who seemed to be struggling. Steve set down his plastic fork and nodded towards Tony.

"He's a lot to handle but he's got a good heart." Steve said, then let out a deep breath. "If it helps, I can tell you a little about myself." Steve's gaze dropped momentarily as he prepared himself to be as vulnerable as possible. He kinda hated it but knew at the same time that it was necessary, and that others could find strength from his pain. It's why he spoke nowadays, anyhow.

"I'm here because I stopped taking my medication for my schizoaffective depressive type disorder, which landed me in a freezing pond trying to rescue a dog that apparently everyone is telling me didn't exist and was actually a hallucination." Sorrow creased Steve's brows as he spoke. "I wasn't trying to hurt myself but I did and it's…messed me up pretty bad. But I'm not as catatonic like the first time I was hospitalized, so that's some reprieve, I'm finding." Steve bit into some of his eggs, thoughtfully. "That's why Tony nicknamed me 'Capsicle', he refuses to call me by my name which I mostly find endearing," Steve added quietly to Loki, "but it is a bit morbid, I just try to ignore that part." Steve chuckled. "We've got to find the light within the darkness, you know?"

"Whereas, what's the point if we can't?" Tony remarked, finishing his bowl of cereal and starting in on his next one.

Tony mirrored Steve's somber appearance, whether consciously or not, as he delved into his own history.

"I've got bipolar type one and substance use disorders. Basically I go from really high highs to really low lows. My parents…" Tony's sorrow deepened for a moment. "…My parents didn't make it out alive from a bad car accident. So I got moved to live with a foster family. It was pretty rough and I got into some bad spots, even worse neighborhoods, and then was introduced into drugs." Tony shrugged, off-handedly. "Alcohol mostly, but when the depressions hit I used coke to bring myself back up. One thing led to another and I got kicked out of the house, wound up on Cap's couch for a bit and now I'm here again, trying to stay clean." Tony sighed. "Life's been a bitch."

Loki's eyes were wide, not expecting this type of a reveal from a person who seemed so…happy? Well in-tuned?

It made a shot of guilt course through Loki's system as he was reminded of Carol and his last conversation with her, where he made it a point to say that you couldn't tell what someone was going through by merely looking at them. This lapse in his own judgment and awareness made him disturbed and practically a little breathless. What else was he missing that he hadn't considered being an issue deep within his skull? Regret filled Loki's socks as he shook himself mentally from whatever hell was spawning internally.

Loki's frown deepened as he said, genuinely, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Tony shrugged again, avoiding his gaze and said, "Thanks."

Loki settled his hands in his lap as his lips continued to down turn.

"I had no idea," Loki said, almost dumbly. "I mean, we just met but I wouldn't have thought…" Loki pursed his lips, green eyes saddened.

"I have a pretty convincing mask," Tony deadpanned, shifting in his chair. He smiled, thinly, "It makes up for all my secret self-loathing."

Loki's face broke into a reassuring understanding.

"I know the feeling," he said quietly. He took a deep breath and considered what had already been shared. It was only natural for him to share, too, right? Was that what was expected of him? What were the expectations being in a psychiatric facility? Would he ever even see these people again in his life?

Loki took another moment to consider his options. Maybe, maybe this was just a part of his story that he could tell for now, for some strangers, for people he'd never really know again.

"I…I think I have an eating disorder, but I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet." Loki back-peddled well, trying to be understanding without overstepping boundaries for people he had suddenly begun to care a lot about. He looked down. "I tried to kill myself because…well, because." Loki chewed on his lip as he moved his jaw, trying to get it to work right. He wasn't ready to admit to everything just yet and he hoped that his peers wouldn't judge him so harshly for it-or because of it. "…I don't really remember all that much, but I think I…I reached out to someone in my family. Maybe…maybe my brother, I don't know. There was some song playing on the radio… God, it sounds so stupid now, but I've always struggled and never had anyone I felt I could genuinely reach out to. No one really knew what was happening, as I kept it all inside and under wraps. But now it's gotten worse than ever and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm just so tired." Emotion that hadn't been there before bubbled up in the back of Loki's throat.

He managed a small movement of his eyes to look up at what he expected would be disdain and judgment but both teens looked melancholy and empathetic.

"Tough shit," Tony remarked as Steve was saying, "I'm sorry you're dealing with that." The two shared a glance and held something in their stare that felt immeasurably foreign to Loki.

"…Is this…your first time?" Steve asked, tentatively.

Loki nodded. "I've never been in a psych hospital before."

"The transition's pretty weird but it'll come to you. It feels really hard at the start going from having everything to having nothing, seemingly, but the bare essentials. Then when you leave it's like you're reminded of everything you had the power of losing, everything you used to take for granted. Just fresh air, rolling down a window in the car, feeling the sun on your face, the sound of music-although we're allowed to take out a radio from the nurse's station, so it's not entirely barbaric in here-and showering with your own shampoo and soap-god, that's the best." Tony groaned and slapped his thigh. "God, I'm so looking forward to that again."

Steve nodded his ascension adding, "It's a good sign that you're talking. Sometimes people come in here and they don't talk and they continue to keep it all bottled up inside and that's probably what led you into here in the first place." Steve grimaced, acknowledging, "I know I'm guilty of that. I barely did anything my first hospitalization the first couple of days. But Tony's really helped me to get out of my shell more; him and my friend Bucky. It's been a battle and the journey is far from over but," Steve exhaled hard, "it's probably worth it all to be happy again." He forced a smile.

Loki could also sense the apathy that lingered in Steve's eyes but he shelfed the issue for now.

He still had a cup of yogurt and a bowl of fruit to deal with in front of him.

Sometimes hell looked different for different people, but it was all still hell, regardless. Maybe it didn't matter necessarily what someone was struggling with, but that they were overcoming it meant everything else.

The sixteen year old managed a few more bites of his yogurt and some sparing plucks out of his fruit bowl before he was tossing away the remains, noticing a worker scribbling something onto paper after he did so, and wondering how many eyes were in this place to begin with.

Slightly unsettled, Loki wandered his way back to his room, already feeling exhausted from the amount of social interaction he had just engaged in and that he wasn't at all used to doing.

He folded into his sheets, rivaling against his brain as he always did, and noted the figure that had returned to the bed beside him. He had a flickering thought before he pulled the sheets over his head and forced himself to sleep again.

Sleep managed to evade him this time which he felt was cruel and unexpected. He did just rest with his eyes closed as he listened to the room surrounding him.

Before long, someone was shouting, "Motherfuckers on a plane!" down the hall and Loki was jostled by how…intense the ward could be. It was his first full day and he was already surprised. He wondered if by evening he'd be jaded by it all. Maybe he'd just burnout from all his emotions before he learned about everyone else's.

Life was exhausting and Loki just didn't have the energy within him to deal with it properly. He sighed, ripping the sheets from over his head to be back down against the uncomfortable mattress.

"You're new," came a voice from the other bed in the room, something Loki had forgotten and assumed the occupant just wasn't up for conversation, either.

"Indeed," Loki replied, curtly.

"When'd you get in?" the voice asked, almost unkindly but Loki, from the corner of his eye, detected more confusion than malice there.

"Last night."

"Oh," a silence welcomed Loki so keenly that he smiled a little to himself. Maybe that was all for this conversation.

"I'm Bruce." The stranger offered.

Tony's remark of 'tough shit' came filtering back through Loki's head. Maybe he didn't always get what he wanted. But he couldn't fool himself completely for being grateful for the distraction.

"Loki," he added, glancing over at Bruce.

At first, there was something different about Bruce's face than all the other faces that Loki had seen and he tried to determine what it was exactly but couldn't get his footing to land right. He narrowed his eyes, perplexed, and Bruce was saying, "You meet Tony yet?"

Loki laughed at that, then blushing when he thought it might be taken out of context, that Loki was making fun of Tony.

"No, I-I mean, yes, but how did you-?"

Bruce chuckled and his eyes lit up with compassion.

"It's okay, I'm the science bro," he explained in kindness.

What were the odds? Loki thought to himself.

"You in school?" Bruce was asking next, this time slinking his tongue out of his mouth in concentration. "You look…familiar."

Loki felt like he'd just launched his own self into a frozen pond.

Was this a good thing? Or was it something bad? Had they ever crossed paths before? What would be the consequences to that? Had Loki been an ass in the past to Bruce that he just couldn't place at the moment?

He didn't really have enough time to continue questioning every decision he's ever made because Bruce was asking, "You go to Riverview High, don't you?" Bruce's fingers traveled to his cupid's bow in thought. "I think I've seen you in the library a few times."

Loki sputtered in disbelief.

How small of a world was this becoming?

"Tony and Steve go there, too," Bruce continued and Loki sighed.

Apparently: very, very small.

"Then we all know each other well," Loki grumbled in distaste.

He thought he had finally gotten far enough away from his high school but it just turned out that everyone he knew-even despite never knowing them-lived where he lived. The notion that they were all strangers that would never see each other again had allowed him to open up but now that he knew the truth, he wasn't so sure he could continue pulling on their string.

Confusion flitted through Bruce's expression and Loki realized it then what was missing: eyebrows.

Bruce didn't have any eyebrows. It seemed obvious now that Loki had determined it but it also gave him a douse of realization once more: how could he judge them so deeply when he wasn't in any position to be doing so? They were all struggling with something and he should be fairer to them than immediately assuming the worst. Maybe, maybe these encounters could be different. Maybe Loki could be stronger here, or learn how to be, if nothing else.

"Not necessarily," Bruce was emphasizing. "Tony's still moving out of his grouping with the stoner kids and entering our…band of misfits that don't fit in anywhere else." Bruce laughed, "It's become a second home for a lot of us-which is good because most of us don't have homes to begin with." His voice lowered as he whispered to Loki, "Our friend Natasha is from Russia and she's had a dark past, unfortunately. But Clint, Clint's an archer, very talented at that, and Steve likes to draw and stick up for the little guy. Tony and I are into science and thermonuclear dynamics and technological advances. Tony's really a genius but he doesn't like to adm-no, Tony does like to admit it but his addictions take away a lot of what used to make him shine, you know? We've all struggled with that, to be honest. Tasha's pretty quiet, doesn't say all that much, but she's cool. And Clint's the only sane one out of all of us." Bruce grinned. "Now if you join us, we'll definitely outnumber him." Bruce held up a hand in forgiveness.

"Only if you wind up liking us that much, that is." Bruce tried to think back to the dirty cobwebs of his mind. "Your brother's Thor, right?"

Loki found himself so captivated by learning this information that he had sat up and was leaning forwards so as to best hear Bruce speak. When he realized it was now his turn he fumbled over his words but it was clear that Bruce got the message.

"That's cool," Bruce emphasized, gaze shifting as he thought to himself. "He does, what, wrestling now, is it? Hmm," Bruce hummed. "It must be pretty big shoes to fill." His gaze moved into sincerity. "I bet it's hard for you." Bruce said this with such delicate consideration that Loki once again was floored by the grace that was being so unconditionally given to him.

"How did you-? I mean, my own father can't see why I've always felt this way, I've always felt different and I know something must be wrong with me because what is the alternative, really? But he's always treated me as lesser than Thor and Thor knows it, he just hates to see it and likes to pretend that father still loves me just the same. I know he doesn't. When he looks at me he sees a…a monster, and I'm tired of being wronged for something I could not help. He doesn't see me as any different to Thor, trying to raise us the same way when he can't just begin to accept the fact that I'm an individual and human and need more than he can reasonably provide for me…I've been trying to get him to really see me for so long, it's just…not possible."

Loki blinked, feeling as though he should be conflicted as to why he'd just said all of that while also not particularly caring, either.

Once they knew the truth, they wouldn't want to be friends with Loki.

Bruce inclined his head, listening to Loki without judgment, almost like a blank canvas. He said to Loki then, "Parents are naturally hard to please by themselves, and it sounds like your father is even harder. Is your mother in the picture?"

Loki let out a long breath.

"Yes, we have a close relationship but she knows nothing of this…. Quite literally, my father is choosing to keep this a secret until she gets back from her business trip. I hope she roasts him a new one just for that alone. Honestly, I think it'd be better if she just-" Loki paused.

Was separation of his parents even reasonable? Even possible? And how would that impact his brother? Could he still reasonably put Thor ahead of himself no matter how shitty that made Loki's own life become? Or was it time now to start choosing to change the next trajectory of his story?

"Left?" Bruce echoed Loki's forgotten thought. "I wanted my Mom to leave too but my Dad was abusive, it sounds like yours might be more neglectful if anything at all. Which still sucks either way, it's not necessarily about who has it worse. Us teenagers, hell, even kids and some adults, are always comparing our lives to other people's chapter thirties when we're still on chapter one. It's like this quote I found once said it best "it's not about how bad a situation is, it's about how badly it's affecting someone", so, comparing losses isn't truly comparable. Loss is loss is loss. Pain is pain is pain. There's no need to compare, we all cope differently. It's okay for you to grieve what you lost in a father just like I can grieve the loss of my Mom. Because it matters to us and it makes sense to be sad or mad or confused. It's all a part of the process." Bruce sighed. "I'm trying to…not let go of my anger towards my Dad but like, re-work it, rethink it, you know? Like, change my relationship to it."

Loki didn't entirely know for sure but he nodded anyways. It was a little nice to let out his feelings to individuals he felt were trustworthy.

"Is this what friendship feels like?" Loki asked so quietly he was sure Bruce hadn't heard him.

"It's what I hope friendship feels like for all of us."

His leg was bouncing to its own mind, its own beat that clicked internally within the elder adolescent, blue eyes looking up and down as he watched the clock in his brother's bedroom.

Thor hadn't been able to leave Loki's room last night, worried for his sibling and wanting to be close to him but not being able to, not being able to protect him, not being able to just hold him. Thor pushed the tears away, feeling as though he had cried enough for one lifetime.

Would this be his new future? Always mourning and pining after Loki no matter what loss his brother faced each time?

If it was, he'd gladly take it because the alternative was insurmountably difficult to even ponder.

His gaze flicked again to the clock, and he willed it to be closer to the afternoon than merely just being the early morning hours. The fact that Thor was awake at this time of day was impeccable, but it's because his anxieties were eating him alive all night long, waiting, waiting for the day to draw closer where their mother would find out the truth from their father.

A secret no human should ever dare to cast aside because of the wrath that Frigga Odinson would unleash thereafter.

He just wanted to be hugged by his mother, loved by her, nurtured. He wanted Loki, too, to feel this love, feel these nutrients.

Nutrients…. Loki was so thin now, when in the hell had that happened? How didn't he notice? How could he pretend to call himself his brother if he seemed to barely have noticed or realized or understood that something darker was brewing behind those cold green eyes?

Thor shut the image out of his mind. He couldn't think like that. He-he needed Jane to be there to help him but she was at school and he was home and it just wasn't the right time.

Time: Thor looked again to the clock which changed to just a minute later.

This waiting game is going to take centuries, he thought to himself. He moaned something intelligible and whipped out his phone. He stared at the old messages and when he thought he couldn't cry any more, he continued to do so.

Because lying behind his phone, nestled against the case, was Loki's letter to Thor that Thor had snooped around his parent's bedroom to find when father went out to clear up his workspace in the office. He wasn't supposed to have found it, wasn't supposed to have read it, but he had, he had and he couldn't stop crying. He wasn't sure how he was ever going to face the failures that existed before him again.

So for now he just wept. And wept. And wept.

And somewhere along the way, he tried to pick up the pieces of his broken heart so that his mind could be there like an anchor cast out to the turbulent seas, cast out to be there again for his brother who needed him so dearly as he flailed in his life jacket, trying to hold on, trying to breathe one more breath and live just one more day.

A/N: Hi again! Sorry it's been a while. Luckily, with the quarantine I was able to fully read through this ENTIRE story, catch some timeline malfunctions and misspelling of my own character's names (if you ever notice an inconsistency feel free to let me know! I won't get mad, I promise. xxx) and take some detailed notes that I can hopefully refer back to in the future instead of having to wait to reread the entire story again, ahaha. Also, I know I fudged some of the backstories here in this chapter, so I apologize for that!

However, I hope that you are well and staying safe during this strange time in the world! I have been increasingly more productive than ever before and I legitimately wrote all these pages a week ago in one day, which was remarkable, and just re-read, re-wrote some bits and edited others today. I have a couple of updates happening in these chapters if you'd like to read them over (like the timeline fixes and some details to help line up the sequel and such in the future): Chp 9, Chp 21, Chp 22, Chp 23. I was honestly aiming for ten pages for this update and it turned out to be twenty-two. So, there's that.

But finally, finally this has become a true AVENGERS fanfic-and I am sooo excited about it! Was this how you thought things would go? Do you see any plot-holes that I missed? And now we're being introduced to the bigger part of this story: what comes next! How does Loki get better, what does his journey look like, what challenges does he face, will he be aided in his recovery by his peers, etc.

I hope that you are enjoying this story and I want to send a big shout-out to everyone who has been visiting, fav-ing, commenting and more. I may not always incorporate criticism into my fics yet I am eternally grateful and welcoming towards ideas or things I could do better. I really appreciate the love and the hard hitting perspectives that I don't often think of myself, ahaha.

Any who, let me know what you think is going to happen next! I have so much world and character building to fill in, so if you have ANY ideas, let me know! The psych hospital will be around for at least like 10 chapters, maybe? I'm having Loki leave before Thanksgiving because I'm evil like that. How do you guys think Frigga will react when she finds out? :O Thank you soooo much for everything. Sending you all love and positivity during these uncertain times. xxx *hugs*

Written: 4.9.2020; 4.16.2020

Edited: 4.9, 4.16.20

Songs: "Do not go gentle" by Josh Woodward; "I love me" by Demi Lovato; "This is what self-destruction feels like" by Marina Lin; "This is what depression feels like" by Marina Lin; "Don't give up on me" by Andy Grammer.