The days we had spent in Sanctuary felt like a small holiday for me, a nice break from all the killing, shooting and bleeding. I had helped Preston to build some new generators, street lamps and a better water pump. The resources I had brought allowed us to finally finish a roof we had started months ago. Danse had been a real help. He was incredibly handy, repaired buildings with ease and still found the energy to improve his power armour. I had a hard time focussing on the hammer and nails in my hands while he was working next to me, his hair all messy, dirt on his fingers, his eyes full of concentration… The evenings we had spent in Sanctuary had been a pleasure too, it made me feel all relaxed and happy to have my friends gathered around me, to listen to stories and jokes and to think about something else than Shaun, the Commonwealth and the Institute. I was glad how friendly my previous companions interacted with Danse although he was a BOS Paladin. That was one of the things I really liked about Sanctuary: Everybody was welcome and treated with respect. Danse had been pretty quiet the whole time, keeping his thoughts to himself, but he had been an attentive listener and he sometimes even laughed at the different stories. The two of us had also managed to empty the whole bottle of Whiskey, always sitting together during the nights and talking.

Today though, Danse wasn't that talkative. Neither was I. We had left Sanctuary in the early morning hours, heading towards Diamond City, and it didn't take a long time until Danse started to ask me questions about Nick. I immediately knew that he had waited for this moment since our arrival in Sanctuary, and I couldn't hide how annoyed I was.

"He's a Synth. That's supposed to be the enemy. And you're keeping him in your hometown." The Paladin's voice sounding reproachfully.

"I'm not 'keeping' him!" I felt the anger rise inside my chest. "He's living in Sanctuary because he wants to and because we all like him."

Danse frowned, his thick black eyebrows contracting.

"Everywhere else Synths are not allowed. They're not trustworthy."

"Well Nick is way more trustworthy than a lot of other humans I have met on my way so far." I had a hard time keeping in step with Danse. He stomped forwards, his power armour clanking loudly.

"But why?" he asked, looking down at me, his face full of anger. "Why do you trust him? After all the Brotherhood told you…"

"Nick helped me to find my husband's murderer. He helped me to kill him. He did more for me than everyone else." I stopped to stare into Danse's brown eyes, my face just as angry as his. "That's why I trust him."

"He's still a Synth." The Paladin answered stubbornly.

"I don't care what he is."

"And I don't understand why you're ignoring what the Brotherhood has taught you."

I couldn't explain what I was feeling at this moment. Sure, I was quite disappointed how much of a BOS soldier Danse was. How furiously he defended their principles. Lost for words, I just continued our walk. Could I be wrong about Danse? I was so convinced he had a soft core, that he had his own opinion, that he wasn't completely controlled by the Brotherhood. On the other hand, I was able to understand his affection for the BOS. I knew he had never had anything as close to a family than his comrades, but I still hoped Danse would be able to think for himself.

"Maybe we just stop talking about it." I suggested, not looking at the Paladin.

"Fine."

I could almost hear him thinking 'for now', so I turned on Diamond City Radio and continued to look straight forwards. The silence between us rested long, longer than ever, but I was way too pissed to start talking again, although it really bothered me. I wanted to defend Nick, explain why he was a great friend, but I felt like it was no use at all. Besides I was afraid Danse would leave me if I started to argue again. The day seemed to be longer than usual, not even the hard fight we had with a bunch of raiders, the upcoming thunderstorm and the busy streets of Diamond City in the evening made it pass quicker. I was glad to visit Home Plate again; I still had to install some new lights and a working radio, so I had something else to think of than the dispute with Paladin Danse. We still hadn't exchanged a single word when the both of us went to bed in the evening. It was quite late; I was exhausted from the long way, so I drifted off to sleep easily.

Danse's loud voice made me sit up straight in bed a few hours later. Still dizzy from sleep, I wondered why he would wake me up in the middle of the night. It took me a moment to realise he was still lying down in his bed, obviously asleep, but speaking loudly.

"No… I can't… no!"

His voice was full of fear, sending a chill down my spine. Turning on the light on my Pip Boy, I could see he was rolling from one side to the other, sweat on his forehead, his hands clutching the blanket. From the first night on, I had noticed he had nightmares, but this seemed to be the worst one so far. Trembling uncontrollably, I got up from my bed. I didn't know why seeing him so vulnerable and obviously frightened made me feel scared too. Slowly, I walked over to his bed and knelt down. I had never been brave enough to wake Danse up before, afraid I might invade his privacy, but tonight, I felt like he really needed my help. I couldn't stand to see him suffer like this. Slowly, I reached out and touched his shoulder, shaking him softly.

"Danse" I whispered. He wasn't responding, still shaking and mumbling incomprehensible words.

"Danse!" My voice grew louder, echoing on the blank walls. "Danse, wake up, please!"

With a jolt, he sat up in bed, his eyes wide open, grabbing my arms with his hands, panting uncontrollably.

"NO!" I could see tears mixing with the sweat on his face.

"Danse, it's okay, you're safe, it's me!" I tried to calm him down, his grip on my arm growing a bit lighter.

"…Jules." His light brown eyes found mine "It's real, you're here."

"Yes, yes it's okay, you were having a nightmare, that's all."

I tried to smile at him, but seeing Danse so upset and scared made me feel anxious. He seemed to realise he was grabbing my arms and let go quickly. Intuitively, I reached out to stroke his face, feeling the beard stubbles on my skin.

"It's okay." I said again, suddenly noticing the intimacy of my touch, and pulling back my hand promptly.

"I'm sorry." Danse mumbled, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"You don't have to be."

"Thanks for waking me up."

"Yeah…" I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't stand seeing you like this. I don't want to see you hurt. Whatever it is that you fear, tell me, I'll help you.

Although I'd like to know what it was that gave Danse his nightmares, I didn't dare to ask him. It was his private matters, of course. Looking up, I caught him staring at me. It seemed like the fight between us hadn't happened, all the anger he had had in his eyes before we had gone to bed had fainted, leaving only sadness. He cleared his throat.

"I uhm… I want to tell you what happened. Why I'm having nightmares all the time."

"Okay, sure." A second ago, I wished for him to tell me, but his decision still surprised me.

"Opening up to someone is not easy for me, but I think you should know what happened, so you can understand…" Danse continued, now focusing on a spot on his blanket.

Carefully, I sat down on the side of his bed, clearly feeling the warmth he radiated.

Danse took a deep breath before he started to talk. It was obvious he had never really shared his story with anyone. I tried not to interrupt him, only looked in his eyes, his face hard to read, while he kept talking. His friend Cutler, whom he met at a young age, seemed to have been the only close friend he ever had. From Danse's words, I concluded that the two of them must have felt great when they had joined the Brotherhood, maybe even feeling like they found the meaning of life. The Paladin hesitated a moment before he continued telling his story, shortly looking in my eyes. He told me how Cutler vanished a year after the two of them had joined the BOS, how he assembled a squad to search for him, and how he finally found his friend in a Super Mutant hive. Danse's voice started to shake lightly, his face tense, when he told me that the Mutants used their FEV to change Cutler into one of them. I didn't know what to say, but the story seemed to end worse than I had expected it. The urge to touch Danse again, to comfort him, grew stronger. At least now I knew why he hated Super Mutants that much. And to be honest, I couldn't blame him.

"He wasn't Cutler anymore. I had to…" Danse looked at me, seemingly desperate, his eyes full of regret.

"It was my duty to… to put him down."

Shocked, I tried to find the right answer. Nothing I could say would make him forgive himself, I knew that, but at least I wanted to make him feel better.

"You did what the Brotherhood told you to do." I wouldn't say it had been the right thing though.

"Then you understand why it had to be done." The Paladin answered, his voice not more than a whisper.

"Ever since Cutler died, I've seen other soldiers come and go." Danse continued, his hands fumbling with the blanket. "But I'd never consider any of them to be a good friend, a friend like Cutler was… until now."

I smiled at Danse's words. Showing affection was hard for him, so hearing that he considered me his first friend after Cutler meant a lot to me. Before I could answer, the Paladin spoke again.

"It's a good feeling, but it frightens me all the same. Having a bond with someone then losing them… it changes you. What happened to Cutler… it still gives me nightmares. I dream about him every night, I see myself shoot him…. I don't want to go through that again. I can't imagine how I would handle it if something happened to you too"

"It would never be that way with me, Danse. I care about you too much to let that happen."

The words came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. My cheeks burned and I literally felt the butterflies in my stomach, but I still found the courage to look at Danse. His face was full of surprise, and even in the dark room I could see him blush lightly.

"I… I didn't know you felt that strongly about our… well, about us."

There was a moment of silence that made me realise how close we were sitting. How easy it would be to take his hand… hell, I could even lean forward to place a kiss on his lips. And god, how much I wanted to do that… But I hesitated. It wasn't really the right time, was it? He just said he saw me as a friend. Was I even ready for a relationship? Shouldn't I still be mourning over Nate? Too many thoughts flooded my mind, my heart racing, I took another quick glance at Danse. He was still looking surprised.

"I'm sorry if I seem… confused. You've certainly given me something to think about. I just thought you deserved to know how I felt. If you feel that I've overstepped my bounds, I completely understand."

"No, it's alright. I'm glad you told me. I wish I could do something to make you feel better about Cutler though."

"Thanks. Having you at my side, listening to my story, already helped."

Giving him another shy smile, I got up. I wished I could just bend down and hug him tightly, but instead I left for my own bed. Danse lay down too, turning to face me. It was the first time I say him smile today, and it made my heart melt.

"I appreciate the fact that you took the time to listen. And thank you for waking me up."

"Sure. I hope you sleep well now."

"You too."

I turned off the light on my Pip Boy; Danse's smiling face still on my mind, the butterflies still in my stomach. I'd never imagined the day to end this way, not after the fight the Paladin and I had had. I still didn't share his views on Synths and Ghouls, but at least I could understand where all the hate came from. And at least I knew I was more to him than another soldier under his command.