Chapter 4

No day passed that Clarke didn't, however briefly, find her thoughts stray off to Lexa Woods, the girl she had met in the park, the girl she had spoken to once, whose tale Clarke had listened to with such sadness but hadn't heard of since. Whereas maybe in one way the situation she was in was similar to how she had felt after seeing Lexa with her lover, whose name Clarke had discovered had been Costia, she felt different now. There was nothing incredibly pressing about everything now, nothing persistent. There was a peace that she felt inside her, since having given the brunette with the big but empty chocolate-colored eyes her sketch. When she thought about her now, Clarke just really wondered how she was and hoped that she was fine, or as fine as currently possible. These thoughts were accompanied with a strange sort of worry when she did, worry about how she was and felt and hope that she was recuperating and maybe, slowly, carefully, beginning to let go of the guilt she had so obviously threatened to go down under when they had spoken, that first and last time, six days ago.

Maybe when she had jotted her phone number down on the back of the thick sketch paper, she hadn't expected to get a text or call, hadn't expected for Lexa to make use of it. She didn't know why she had done it, exactly. She had been compelled to do so, to somehow offer Lexa a shoulder to cry on if she wanted, as if to let her know she wasn't alone, however alone and abandoned she might feel.

When she heard her phone buzz in the kitchen ── Clarke Griffin had the tendency to forget to turn the sound of her phone on once again after classes, after having put it on 'vibrate' so as not to disturb the professors ── Clarke Griffin paid little to no heed to it. She faintly registered it, but figured that it couldn't be anything important. She had answered a random text from her mom only about twenty minutes before, nothing had seemed abnormal in any way, and her close friends were gathered on pillows on the floor with her as they played a game of cards, Octavia seated in Lincoln's lap as they played more together than on their own, allowing them the strength of combined minds for both of their turns and leading to either one of them having won every game already, despite Jasper and Monty often being second and third, interchangeably, with Raven and she tying for last place.

Raven, who mustn't have heard the buzzing ── if so, she would have certainly taken her chance to give Clarke hell again for having forgotten to turn on the sound and possibly missing a call or text from Bellamy, as he was responsible for their food and supposed to be on the way with it that night ── as she put her half-empty can of beer down beside her before exclaiming, "Come on, Griffin, your turn, before they manage to find a way to beat me again!"

Clarke, attention totally astray from her phone and whoever might have attempted to reach her, raised a brow at Raven while suppressing a chuckle as Jasper's voice sounded, "You wish." Nonetheless, the blonde's blue eyes darted across her cards as she ran her fingertip over the smooth cardboard edges and she selected a jack of hearts, throwing it on the pile of cards in the middle to be discarded. She watched the dark-haired engineer smile slyly, expectantly, hopeful as Clarke considered all of her four options, aware that if she did somehow pick the one Raven wanted, Raven was going to win this game and manage to discard her last card. She didn't give anything away as she watched the blonde intently, her long fingers slowly stroking the back of the lone card in her left hand.

"Spades."

"Ha!" Raven exclaimed, slamming her three of spades down on the floor, the smile on her tanned face full of confidence when she won the game, earning moans of frustration from the rest of the company as they threw their cards down in defeat, complaints raising as they told each other how close they had been to winning as well.

As if on cue, the door bell to Clarke's dorm room resounded through the mash-up of voices, and Clarke, pushing the stack of cards towards the winner to tell her wordlessly she had to distribute next, held her hands up to the others who complained about her bad choice. She got up in a fluid easy motion, pushing herself off of the floor by digging her heels down into the carpet and making for the door to open it for Octavia's brother, the most senior of their friends group and also last to arrive, and for that alone, having been punished with responsibility for their dinner. Complaints transformed into cheers of gratitude when the smell of greasy pizza filled the youths' nostrils, making their mouths water already. Clarke followed in Bellamy's wake as he immediately set off towards the kitchen, to help, a variety of pizza boxes in his arms. He somehow knew which kinds would be liked most by his friends, though. All of the slices would be eaten by the end of their get-together, leaving empty boxes scattered over the living room, that Clarke or one of her dorm mates would pick up in the morning, as they were often too intoxicated and high on the buzz of it to do so before falling asleep.

As Bellamy deposited the pizza boxes on the half-full table, Clarke reached for the top one and already began to peel back the lid to open it up as Bellamy followed her example. Gratefully offering him a small smile as he took the open boxes to their friends in the living room, Clarke reached for the next pizza box when her eye fell on her cell phone lying right beside the bread box, and she remembered the buzzing she had heard earlier that indicated a text. She let the pizza box be for now and opted to see who had tried to reach her. Her friends wouldn't die from the two minute wait, especially since they already had two extra large pizzas to stuff themselves with.

Moving her thumb across the screen in a rather specific pattern, the blonde unlocked her phone and clicked on the envelop icon, with the small '1' beside it. Immediately, she noticed that it was a number that wasn't saved yet in her contact list, and one Clarke didn't recognize. The crease on her forehead disappeared as she moved on to read the message itself… and knew whom it was from.

I'm sorry for babbling so much during the last conversation the two of us had. I don't usually tell my life story to people whom I've never met. Your sketch is very beautiful, and I would say that you have a talent. It is nice that it isn't finished. Costia and I weren't finished when she died either.

A full smile came upon Clarke's face as she read the words from Lexa, and she immediately began to type her response, almost unthinkingly.

I am glad that you liked it. You didn't talk too much at all. I am glad that you could let go of some of that heartache.

The first three sentences were put down rather quickly, and she was just debating whether she should add something else or not, when she heard her name being called from the room over, by one of several intoxicated friends, who were mostly interested in the rest of the pizza, which she was supposed to take to them. She shook her blonde head at how hopeless, in a way, they were, adding a 'here if you need me, to talk or whatever. x' before sending the text to its recipient, locking her screen and throwing her phone back on the bread box. Reaching for the pizza box she had already meant to open earlier, Clarke figured she would read any texts Lexa might send back after she had fed those hungry hippos.

4 DAYS LATER

Clarke Griffin read her text for the fourth time, thumb hovering indecisively, over the button to send it off to the contact she had added all but four days prior, as she sat on the couch, watching yet not watching at all an old rerun of E.R. They had somehow spoken every day since that one text Lexa had sent her, to apologize for what she had called rambling. She had doubted a bit like this the day after that, before sending her message to wish her a good morning ── although by the time the blonde had gotten from bed, it had been closer to noon ── and to confirm once more that she really hadn't talked too much, and if she ever wanted to talk about anything again, she had her number. Lexa's response had come nearly immediately, thanking her, telling her she would remember. Clarke had extracted two things from that exchange particularly. One: Lexa Woods was one of those people who texted back nearly immediately. Two: despite her telling Clarke she would remember the offer made, it was unlikely that Lexa would spill any of her fears and heartaches to her again, in light of the way it had happened last time in the park.

It had been Lexa to wish Clarke a good morning, despite the prediction of rainy weather, the day after that, Clarke to wish the brunette a good morning once more the one after that, despite her having had a late class the night before, as the other girl had mentioned in one of the follow-up messages to their morning wishes. Clarke had started to feel like, somehow, it had become a routine of sorts after four consecutive days of them switching between wishing the other a wonderful morning and sharing the way their days would look, quite superficially. When Clarke hadn't received a text that morning from the other young woman, Clarke had texted first close to noon, not thinking too much of it then, but since it had become late afternoon already, she couldn't help but feel worried in a way that told her she probably had a right to be.

They hadn't known one another all that long, and that 'known' was a bit limited anyway, so the blonde wasn't quite sure if it was in her place to assume now. Nonetheless, she felt that she should at least attempt to approach Lexa in any way possible and just risk getting burned if it came down to it.

Hello! I just wanted to know if you're okay, since I haven't heard from you all day. Don't feel pressured, but I just thought I remind you my offer still stands if you feel like you need to talk to someone about absolutely anything.

As Clarke sent the text message, she wasn't sure if she expected there to be a reply or not. She thought it could go down two ways, with Lexa either not wanting to speak to her at all anymore, temporarily or not, or the gentle approach doing just the opposite and convincing Lexa that she could come to Clarke, even if only to tell her she didn't want to talk.

Lexa's response came in when she didn't expect one anymore, several hours later, and hers to that one was typed and sent in a matter of a minute, without doubting.

Hi... Yeah, I'm sorry for going MIA on you. I had a bit of a bad day, but I'll be okay. I wouldn't know where to begin to put it all in words, but thanks.

Looking up at the big clock that hung above the couch in the tiny living room, Clarke determined it wasn't too late yet to make the suggestion that sprang to mind at once and began to type. From the several minutes that passed in-between sending her text and receiving one from Lexa, Clarke could tell Lexa had doubted at least a bit before finally replying. She had been nearly certain that the answer would be negative, but it wasn't when it came in, so that was a beginning already.

If you're not busy, we can meet up somewhere and have a beer together. We can meet up in thirty at the mall and go on from there?

Okay. I'll be there.

4 WEEKS LATER

"Fuck!" Lexa mouthed as she stumbled over a patch of uneven dirt under her right foot, turning back intuitively into the dark to look for the cause, the hazy glow of the half moon and the blanket of stars not nearly offering enough light for her to determine specific shapes among the rocks in the grass that made a small path through the park. Clarke and she had left the main road a minute ago. She could see the street lights from where they were, and she could also see the ones from the street on the other side of the small park, but they were unluckily in a dark zone in-between ── not that it would have helped her or anyone to know which rock or other item had been the culprit for her stumble and fall.

Hearing the way her companion's breath caught and the specific, typical sound of someone catching their feet on something, Clarke's laughter halted as she turned her face to the side. "Lexa, are you…?" she began, but before she reached the end of the half-finished question, she saw the brunette topple over, losing her balance when she turned her head for whatever reason.

Despite never deliberately reaching the sort of intoxication that would leave Lexa with holes in her memory later, she could feel the whiskeys and beers between her ears as she turned back, felt them in the way her pulse rushed through her temples at the quick, instinctive movement, and nearly inevitably landed on her knees on the change-over between rock and grass. Not too wasted to forget to try and break her fall yet, she extended her hands just in time not to end up faceplanting, fingers digging into the dirt.

Slightly more wasted than her companion, though not by much, Clarke reached over slightly awkwardly and laid a hand upon the brunette's shoulder, attempting to lean over to sit down beside her but acutely miscalculating the distance between her half-bent knees and the earth and coming down a bit too hard and doing what Lexa had managed not to until then. By the pressure of her own hand on the brunette's shoulder, though, and Lexa being as unsteady as she was, she caused both of them to topple over entirely. Lexa's luck, however, was the fact that she had already outstretched her hands and didn't come down hard. Clarke, on the other hand, awkwardly grazed the pretty green grass with her teeth.

Quite dumbfounded at her own clumsiness and what had happened for a few seconds, Clarke luckily quickly regained her consciousness and pulled her arm back, at the same time rolling over onto her back as Lexa made to do the exact same, to come to a sitting position and then push themselves, possibly one another, up from there, so that they could both continue on their way home.

Clarke and Lexa always walked through the park together when they had been in the city together for drinks or food. At the other end, their ways would separate and Lexa would turn left, Clarke right. Although the rest of their walks were nearly the same distance, Lexa would have a few turns ahead, while Clarke had to walk straight ahead. They had never actively wasted a lot of time so far at each other's places, but they had seen where the other lived in the past few weeks as they had generally wasted more time together, taking time to see each other at least a few times a week for lunch or dinner and drinks one or two times if at all possible. While Lexa didn't really have a social life of her own, the brunette had sort of melted into Clarke's for a great deal, getting along very well with her friends. In fact, when they went to have drinks, Lexa fit in just as much as Raven and Octavia did despite not being able to rely on as much of a shared 'history'. The only reason why the two had left before Octavia, Raven, Jasper and Monty, was because of how early they both had to be in class, Raven's morning class sadly having had to be cancelled the next day, with her professor having to go in for an unexpected gall bladder surgery, and Octavia's first class not even happening until eleven.

Forehead creased at the very unappealing taste of grass that filled her mouth, Clarke Griffin spat several straws of grass from her mouth. As she made to move to a sitting position, however, Lexa's voice stopped her, unexpectedly. "Do you stargaze?"

Gently turning her head to the side and letting her blue eyes fall upon Lexa and how peaceful she seemed to lay there, in the grass ── insofar as Clarke could tell in the dark ── the blonde felt herself relax back a bit and genuinely thought about the question. "My dad took me stargazing when I was little," she responded. "Honestly, I can't remember having ever done so without him. It must have been a very long time. Do you?" She added the last bit in just a soft whisper.

For a long moment, the brunette didn't answer. Then, "I do catch myself sometimes gazing at the stars, yeah. Then I wonder where those ridiculous ideas come from that everyone who is dead has a star up in the sky and that kind of things."

A bit taken aback at Lexa's intoxicated bluntness, Clarke remained silent before whispering, "I believe it is a rather symbolic way of looking at things. They're always there, but you can only see them at night. Then when we can see them, they seem so very close, but we still can't reach them. They seem small to the world, but they are incredible in size. Very few people realize. They seem to always just be there, too. I believe that's how our loved ones are for us when they are gone. They're always with us, even if we might not be thinking about them actively the entire time. We carry them with us in what we say and what we do, in the people we are, those we become. We remember them from when they were beside us, but they're in a place where we can't reach them. Sometimes, I don't know if it makes it better or worse, because it is like they are just taunting us. To the rest of the world, they might have just been a part of a giant whole, but to us, they were a big part of our world and continue to be even after their deaths," she spoke. "Requited love doesn't just stop existing, regardless of what kind of love it is. It allows you to remember for instance Costia as a star in Heaven."

A small shake of the head followed. However touched by Clarke's words she felt, she couldn't agree entirely. "I don't believe in a Heaven."

A small smile touched Clarke's lips as the brunette and the blonde eyed each other. "Neither do I, but I have respect for those who do. Either way, it is okay for you to remember her, as well as it is okay for you to sometimes let her sit in the back corner of your mind and enjoy life. I see how you chastise yourself internally for each smile or laugh. I didn't get the chance to know her, but I am sure that she would have wanted for you to be happy, regardless of how the situation was between you when she died. I know that you loved each other."

That last bit was added as an afterthought as Clarke saw the look of uncertainty in Lexa's eyes, the protests upon thin lips. The blonde knew that the brunette saw things differently, but she really didn't believe that Lexa deserved to feel guilty for the rest of her life because she still had one and Costia didn't.

Lexa's only response to those words, as well as the small afterthought that meant so much to her, was to gently slide her hand over and entwine her fingers with Clarke's, squeezing them, conveying all of the things that she wished she could say but couldn't put in words, as well as the things she had slowly begun to feel when she was with Clarke but didn't even dare admit to herself quite yet.

4 MONTHS LATER

A wide smile broke through across Clarke's face as she heard the ringtone that indicated that she had received a text, just as she slid her key into the lock of her door. She knew who it would be from despite the fact that they had only just said goodbye for the night. Letting the door fall shut, Clarke proceeded to set her handbag down onto the counter and moved to take off her thick dark blue shawl and leather jacket, hanging both items on the peg before taking her handbag, fishing her cell phone from its depths before adding it on the peg, everything ready to go for when she left her dorm next.

In the dark, blindly finding her way, she crossed the living room and turned right before the kitchen, unlocking the screen of her phone and opening the text as she took one step at a time, her memory and the bright light from her phone keeping her from falling. She had only had two glasses of wine with dinner as well, and that had been two hours ago. Lexa and she had ended up talking long after dessert in the warm, comfortable buzz of people coming and going and talking while drinking and eating in the bistro off the main road. It had become their favorite spot to eat after their first visit a few months before, and they couldn't help ending up there at least once every two weeks, with its large portions of great food at a decent price even for students. The menu was variable enough as well, which was rare for most restaurants in their neighborhood and in that specific price range.

I'm home.

I'm home, too.

It had become their custom to let each other know that they were home safe when they had been to dinner or elsewhere together. While Lexa still got along very well with Clarke's friends and considered them her own as well, the two had taken to going off just on their own as well of late, on occasion. It had started to feel like their evening hadn't been completed without that small exchange of texts. The past few weeks in general, if not months, they hadn't really felt complete at all if they hadn't heard from each other at least a few times a day. If noon rolled by without a text from each other, they began to miss each other in a strange way.

Whatever it was between them, Clarke couldn't rightly say, but Lexa had become an integral part of her life that she felt she couldn't miss anymore and that she would be lost without. Locating her PJs neatly folded at the end of her single bed, Clarke made to put her phone down on her nightstand so that she could switch her attires and get ready for bed just when a new text came in.

Thanks for the really great evening at Quasi's. I'm going to watch a movie and then have a great night's sleep after having all that yummy food and the lovely company.

Sitting down at the edge of her bed with her phone in hand, her PJs long forgotten, Clarke's fingers began to type a response all of their own, seemingly. Talking to Lexa was so easy for her. The words flowed from her mouth and fingers so effortlessly. If she compared the first few texts that she had received from Lexa to the way they typed to each other so often lately, Clarke could even tell in the way she typed that Lexa was in a different place than she had been when they first met, shortly after Costia's passing. She seemed happier now, more peaceful. At first, she had had a pretty hard time moving on from that place and also accepting that, in light of her loss, and the guilt that had plagued her so greatly seemed to just be on the back burner now. Clarke wasn't as stupid as to believe that all of those fears and worries were entirely gone now, especially with how sensitive the brunette was, deep inside, despite coming off so strongly and fearlessly to people who didn't know her. The brunette was no longer in a place where she felt like she should be guilty for smiling or laughing or for just living.

Clarke felt very much the same way as Lexa did, too. Unlike her, though, she was beat and wouldn't be able to stay awake during even half of a movie after not having had the best night the night prior ── what with her right side neighbors having had a party until four-thirty ── and having had an exceptionally early class at seven-thirty.

I had a really lovely night with you as well. NOTHING tops lasagna from Quasi's to me! I'm off to bed. I'm beat. I hope you enjoy your movie, whichever one it is you will watch.

Pressing 'send', the blonde finally did put her phone down on the nightstand with a bit of delay and began to peel her top off of her. Crossing her arms across her upper body, she grabbed the hem and began to pull it over her head, dropping it on the bed carelessly to fold later and reaching back to undo her bra. She always felt so relieved when she could relieve herself from the confines of her bustier. Dumping her bra on top of her top, she plucked the top of her pajamas up and pulled it over her head. As soon as she had managed to pull it over her bare breasts and pulled it down, she was notified of another text message. Quick.

I don't know which one it will be. I will find something on Netflix, I'm sure. It is too early to go to bed. You're no fun!

I love you, too.

Clarke's answer was typed very quickly, unthinkingly. It was said jokingly… in a way. As soon as she had typed it and sent it and reread the words once more, Clarke fell back on the bed, rereading them over and over again as she considered whether or not they were said jokingly. It had never truly come up in her mind to type a smiley face as she would have with other friends just to make her no homo intention clear.

She didn't know when it had happened over the past few months exactly, but if she hadn't fallen in love with Lexa already, then she definitely could. It was as that realization sprang into her mind that her eyes trailed back to the screen, that had by then gone dark. No text back. Her worry began to grow as she felt maybe she had jeopardized their friendship. Maybe she should tell Lexa it had been meant as a joke. She didn't get any further than 'Listen, Lexa' when a text from the brunette filled her screen. A text she knew wasn't meant jokingly and completely opened Clarke Griffin's heart and world.

I love YOU, too.