33. Coming Home

It was Stein all over again. This time around however, I had less time and there were fewer alternatives. Back then, we had already explored the only two possible matches for Stein: one of which turned evil, the other joining up with him to travel through time. Even then, we had almost been too late and that had been even before Stein's fire had turned blue.

Wait… That was it! We. If I could reach out to the team, they might know what to do.

"Cisco!" I yelled, hoping he would pick it up with his vibes.

I remembered all too well that I had betrayed them in a way that couldn't be forgiven, ever. But Ronnie on the other hand was innocent and if team Flash put one thing before all others, it was saving and protecting the lives of the innocent.

"Cisco!"

I didn't quite know how or if he could hear me. Simply put, I was so stressed out that I nearly forgot to breathe, causing me to inhale air in short, rapid gulps that hurt my chest a little; it was a result of my battle with Hunter. The pain was worse earlier on, although my mind was now fully focused on the one thing I wanted: Ronnie's survival.

"CISCO!" My voice cracked and I coughed.

The realization that nobody finally came to me. I had to fix this on my own, but for that I needed to look at the problem rationally. I took a deep breath and tried to ease and slow my breathing. Ronnie was writhing in serious pain, muttering incoherent sentences. I had to ignore it in order to help him. I had to think like a doctor, because, bluntly spoken, he was just another patient.

Okay.

Stopping his meltdown was something I couldn't do. Not without the team to conjure up a new splicer or dampener. What else? What would I normally do if I couldn't stop the cause of the illness? Fight off the symptoms! Of course, that's it. The most critical issue at hand was him overheating; the thing I was armed to cope with. As I raised my hands at him, doubt snuck into my mind. What if I gave it too much? I could kill him.

Ronnie replied to my hesitance with a loud scream, sending out a pulse of fire that threw me on my back. There was no time to think this through. The cavalry wasn't coming and I was the only option Ronnie had if he wanted to avoid going into nuclear meltdown.

I jumped up and readopted my battle stance. Slowly, I let the cold seep out of my hands and pour onto the flaming corpse in front of me that was once my fiancée. It had absolutely no impact whatsoever. I upped the energy I invested, yet it refused to present any difference. Agitation got the better of me and I began putting in greater amounts of effort. Due to my competitiveness, I almost failed to spot the moment that I was subduing the flames, Ronnie's grumbling decreasing with it.

"CAITLIN!"

Cisco's horrified scream almost gave me a heart-attack. He, Barry and Harry had appeared through a breach of Cisco's making.

"Cisco! Quick. You have to help me. Ronnie. He's-"

"Getting killed by you!"

"What? No! He's going into-"

Before I realized it, Harry shot me with his rifle. One could ironically argue that I was getting used to being thrown, flung and shot after today, but sadly reality didn't agree. I did however stay on my feet this time by dampening the projectile's force with my arms. I slit a few feet back, my heels screeching over the concrete as I did. I quickly hid behind a pillar to avoid Harry's follow up attacks. The dream that I had been trying to avoid for so long had finally caught up with me. The image of me almost killing Harry stood as fresh in my memory as on the day of that nightmare. I couldn't let it go that way.

"STOP!" I yelled.

The barrage ceased. I counted to three and walked away from my cover with my hands in the air.

"Please. I don't want to hurt anyone else."

"Tell that to Ronnie!" Cisco asked.

"He's going into meltdown, the only way to stop that is by cooling him down."

"Ha! That's the worse excuse ever." Cisco laughed scornfully.

Barry pulled Cisco's by the sleeve and whispered something to him, whilst pointing at Ronnie. I saw signs of doubt crawling onto all of their faces as they recognized the symptoms that Stein suffered a while back. The three of them began a fervent discussion, yet despite all that, Harry never lowered his gun on me. After a few seconds it started to annoy me. What was there to talk about anyway? Wasn't it obvious what was going on? This squabbling was merely a waste of precious time, that which Ronnie had so little of.

"You go ahead and keep talking, I'm gonna save Ronnie."

I walked up to him and even though it was better than before, he was still covered in flames and visibly in pain. Harry threatened me again, aiming the gun at me with its buzzing sound. I looked at him in desperation. I was not afraid of getting shot. I was afraid that if he would not back away, I had to hurt him for Ronnie's sake. Yet if I did, nightmare might become reality.

"Please. Don't do this." I said, feeling the tingling in my hands.

Staring each other in the eyes, the seconds that passed felt like days. One of us was gonna hurt the other. Neither of us wanted to, but both doing it because of what we believed to be the proper course of action. I figured where best to hit him without doing too much harm, hoping he thought of it too.

Then Barry placed his hand on the gun and pushed its barrel down. He shook his head and pointed at Ronnie. In his confusion Harry, sought the eyes of Cisco, though even he nodded eventually.

"Go ahead Caitlin." Barry replied.

I nodded and resumed my unconventional treatment. My friends monitored it all from a distance, likely with an genuine anguish of me going too far, similar as I sensed myself. But it worked and Ronnie changed from the cerulean glow back to his bright orange, and ultimately to his normal humane self. I stopped and heard how his breath had also returned to normal. This small trait was definitely the greatest relief of all. I had not taken it too far; had not accidentally killed him.

"Quick. We have to get him to S.T.A.R. Labs now before he warms up again." I said.

Cisco obliged and opened a portal. The other two picked him up and carried him through. Initially I followed, but halted after a few steps. I was no longer welcome there, was I? Cisco turned around and took notion of my hesitance. He looked down at the floor, struggling with this exact issue. Then he said something that I'll never forget.

"Come on, Caitlin. Let's go home." And he extended his hand.

I wanted to argue, although the desire to go back was too strong. I took his hand and followed him through.

On the other side, S.T.A.R. labs was still the same. Then again, why wouldn't it be? It's not that it would have changed in the few days that I had been absent, and yet it felt like ages since last I was here. Without uttering a single word, Cisco and I followed Ronnie as he was carried upstairs and put onto a bed. I watched how they applied an infusion, heart-monitor and a thermometer. Cisco cuffed him to the bed with power-dampeners, however it remained to be seen whether this prototype – which at the time could only temporarily support Stein – was enough to stabilize his cellular matrix. Harry had been working on increasing its powerful and multi-applicability, albeit a prototype it still was.

When they left the room, I dared walking over and grab Ronnie's hand. I squeezed it. He did not squeeze back. I read from the monitor that his heart and temperature were stable, knowing very well this could all change in an instant. His calm respiration made me feel happy, something which too felt far longer back than it probably was. This was the first moment since I discovered that Ronnie was still alive that I could actually enjoy said fact. It was unfortunately also paired with the recollection of all the injuries I had sustained: ribs, arms, shoulders and head, all of which began signalling their presence to me.

"Caitlin…"

Barry's sudden entrance spooked me.

"Barry..." I answered softly.

I couldn't find the courage to meet his gaze. I did not know what to say to him. Having taken his most precious possession and having bargained it for something that could just as easily have been a lie, was unforgiveable. Moreover, that in the gamble I had also lost that possession. I had lost Barry's speed, which was a mistake I could never undo.

"It's not your fault, Caitlin."

I produced a sarcastic laugh.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I stole your speed Barry! I stole it! And I traded it for my own gain!"

"Not your own gain. Ronnie's life. I would have done the same thing if I had known."

"But you didn't know. And neither did I. Zoom could just as easily have been lying about all of it. What if it hadn't been true?" I argued.

He paused and thought about it.

"But it was true. And that is what matters."

I sighed and turned my attention back to Ronnie. This was so typically Barry. He was not actually trying to win the argument, he was only trying to ease my conscience. But he could never ease my sense of guilt. If only I had done things differently. Like tell them sooner about my powers, or ask them for help earlier on, or return the vial before I left instead of after. Then Snart would never have…

Snart.

It was all his fault. If he hadn't shown up, I could have simply returned the speedforce vial. Then none of this would've turned out the way it had! The anger seeped back into me and quickly overgrew the happiness of Ronnie's resurrection. Snart had to pay. If not for his meddling then Hunter would have never gotten hold of the vial. The fiery passion of revenge re-energized me completely. I let go of Ronnie's hand and spurted out of the room.

"Hey! Where are you going?!" Barry called after me.

"Collecting a debt." I whispered inaudibly.

Just as a short reply to all people messaging me that I should update sooner: I know. Apologies that I don't, but I simply don't have enough time/mindpower to write. During the day I read, write and imagine at work, so when I get home my head is sort'a empty. If I write then, I can't produce literature that I'm content with (and probably neither are you). Kind Regards,