[ III . ii ]

6:15 A.M.

Woken up by Light's showering. Told to get back to sleep and get some rest. Fully intended to defy well-meaning order, was still tired anyway, eventually betrayed by his body.

7:30 A.M.

Awake again, this time by the smell of tea. Grimaced at herbal taste before remembering once more that he was sick. Glared at Light's amused face; throat too dry to work up a retort. Forced self to get up, shower, drained the rest of the tea, throat still disgusting. Light has coffee for breakfast and they leave.

9:55 A.M.

Preparations continue. The task force begin to slowly accept constant use of their new personal antibacterial hand lotions after touching anything. L wishes he'd had it this way from the beginning, but he'd caught what he'd caught, and there was no going back to better inform his unassuming self in the past – unless getting in touch with the unknown Shinigami who'd landed him in this predicament was an option.

L glances at the clock and tells himself he still has plenty of time.

12:48 A.M.

Afternoon tea with petits fours and sponge cake. Mogi hoovers up three packets of instant noodles like nobody's business in the corner. Aside from a few guilty mouthfuls when his father gives him a concerned look, Light's lunch goes untouched as usual. L offers him one of the tiny triangle-shaped sandwiches he'd never planned on eating off the tiered rack, and he thinks for a moment. He refuses it, and they soon turn their separate ways again.

14:23 P.M.

L is buried in his thoughts, ruminating and reminiscing and planning and mapping. It's already two o'clock and he doesn't yet have a foolproof plan for the prevention of his own death. It's already almost been three days and he doesn't yet have a foolproof plan for the prevention of his own death. The Shinigami. What will he do about the Shinigami Rem? He still doesn't know why it killed them. He still can't place its motive. It's the only piece. The only missing piece.

17:55 P.M.

It's nearly six o'clock and L doesn't know who'd set his personal barrier of time to the speed of a bullet train. Light places his fifteenth cup of coffee that day beside him and he takes it instantly. He's restless, unapproachable and unable to be reasoned with, and the task force has congregated politely to the areas of the room furthest from his invisible aura of stress. Light, of course, is unable to escape this area, and merely knows not to try and make conversation.

19:28 P.M.

Time is breathing down his neck. It's tomorrow. It's coming tomorrow, and today is almost gone, and it's impossible just to stop and think in a motionless bubble until it's all sorted out. L's nerves are so on edge he feels ready to kick the next person who gets anywhere near him.

He drops a cup of coffee by accident and is silent as Watari cleans it up. Light stares at him with unspoken concern. L has to stop himself from telling him everything right there and then.

23:22 P.M.

The clock won't stop ticking but L has stopped any pretence of having fucks to give. He shoves chewy sweets into his mouth until they lose all flavour and his tongue can't taste anymore. He feels a sort of strange release, like a sucrose-overdose-induced zen.

And then almost falls face first into his keyboard.

23:25:

L stares at Light for the next ten minutes. He can only think about one thing.

23:35 P.M.

L is out of time and Light has had enough and finally drags him, stubbornly resisting, into the elevator.

More time. More time. I was so stupid for thinking I had more time.

"…Ryuuzaki, what do you mean?"

L gawked in genuine surprise as he realised he'd said his thoughts out loud, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights. "…It's natural to be slightly nervous, isn't it?"

For a few moments there was silence between them, nothing but the hum of the elevator as it moved. L shut his eyes and switched his brain off, trying for once not to think.

"Do you think it'll work?"

L opened his eyes and looked over at Light. He was staring into the mirror surrounding the enclosed walls. "Hmm?"

There was a long pause before Light spoke up again. "Will we catch Kira...?"

L tilted his head. "Hmm... I don't have any doubts. Are you nervous too?"

"I suppose it's natural, like you said."

L didn't continue the conversation.

The elevator reached its destination at last and they filed out through the doors in silence.

There was only one thing he could truly say with certainty about the day ahead of them, and it was that it was that, for better or worse, everything would change.

"You know, you look terrible. You seriously need some proper rest this time."

Light had developed a tendency of starting the fuss routine as soon as they got upstairs and away from surveillance in their room.

"Thanks for sparing my feelings, Light-kun."

"I mean it. Worse than usual." Light was sitting on the bed while L stood, staring out the window at the drizzle that had picked up. "When was the last time you showered?"

L tried to remember the answer relative to the timeframe he was in. Three days ago? Four? Oh, God. He hadn't even realised he'd been forgetting to shower, and promptly shivered in disgust.

"I think you should have a bath. It would probably help you," Light suggested.

"I thought you wanted me to sleep."

L jumped like a startled cat as Light threw a towel and it hit him on the back. "Bath, then sleep. They go hand-in-hand, Ryuuzaki."

Since he didn't find himself in the mood for arguing that night, he decided to do as his surrogate mother was telling him.

Light was sitting in a different position, facing the wall when L came out of the bathroom half-clothed, attempting to dry his hair by shoving his head facefirst into a towel and rubbing it around randomly. When it felt dry enough he dropped the towel and pulled a fresh shirt on, then sat down on the opposite side of the bed and reached for the chain to put his cuff back on again.

L's attention was diverted when he heard Light snort and looked over at him, raising an eyebrow. "Your hair looks ridiculous," he laughed. "Like… an angry duck, or something."

It was sticking up in every direction thanks to the towel-drying. "If my hair is not dried this way, my deductive reasoning skills decrease by 20%."

Light rolled his eyes. "Naturally. Hey, Ryuuzaki…"

L blinked, waiting.

But Light shook his head. "No. Don't worry. I'd better let you go to sleep now. And I'll need to, as well…"

"What was it, Light-kun?" L pressed.

"Nothi…" Light cut himself off, taking in a deep breath. "Oh, what's the point? You're not going to fall for that."

L stared, abandoning the towel. Light's eyes hardened as he continued.

"We're going to be confronting Kira, Ryuuzaki. There's no knowing what could possibly happen. But I know I'm not Kira... I know there's no way I could suddenly just be Kira, my thoughts can't just..."

L moved a little closer, placing a hand on Light's shoulder, and he looked up at him, eyes widening. "I have no concerns about tomorrow, Light-kun. If there is one thing I can say with certainty, it is that everything will go as planned."

It's only after that. Afterwards… that's what I'm worried for.

Light smiled faintly; it didn't reach his eyes. "Yeah. Because I can't be... Kira. Right? I... I'd never... just betray you so... suddenly."

A cold stab hit L in the chest and he let go, keeping as still as possible.

Light was looking down at his hands now, voice slightly strained as it came out. "…I still… I still can't believe that you decided to trust me. You told me your name. You're really… just going to trust me like that, Ryuuzaki? You're really comfortable with this? Even if you say that you completely believe that I'm not Kira right now…"

Silence. L's mind raced, but he couldn't think of what he could possibly say. Light licked his lips and looked up at him again.

"I just… I don't know if I can actually trust you. Ryuuzaki, give me a straight answer. There's no need for you to lie to me like this just to try and pursue Kira."

L pressed his thumb to his mouth through his mask. "I told Light-kun that I'd be telling the truth from now on."

"You also said that I couldn't take anything you say at face value."

L leaned in close. "I told you that it's your decision whether you choose to believe me, but this time you have to if you want an answer. This is the truth: the fact that I can trust Light-kun right now is the only thing that I am completely and utterly sure of."

Light was still. And then, slowly, he began to shake.

"But you can't… you can't trust me." His eyes were frantic. "That's the thing! E-even I know that much! I'm sorry… I can't let you just… Ryuuzaki, I'm sorry…!"

What is he talking about? L blinked. "Light, I really –"

"No!" Light grabbed L's shoulders. "Listen to me! I didn't want to tell you about this before, because I knew what you'd say. But even I'm worried that I could be Kira. There are memories I have that don't make sense…"

I always suspected there were things he'd never tell me about – but I never thought he'd actually…! "What memories?"

And Light told him how he met Naomi Misora, how he discussed aliases with her and found out her real name, how he remembered being on a train with Raye Penber, detail after detail he couldn't find any way to justify to himself. Piece after piece, suspicion after suspicion joined up and connected in L's mind as he listened, enthralled.

"No matter how I look at it, sometimes… I can't see it any other way than me being Kira. I even know that Kira's ideas match closely with my own." Frustrated, Light dug his fingers into his head and shut his eyes firmly. "But I'm not Kira, I know I'm not! And I wouldn't ever do any of those things how I am right now. I don't understand!"

There's no way he can know. It's not his fault. L hid a frown under his flu mask. His hand twitched as he nearly reached it out; it hurt to see Light like this and he couldn't help feeling the urge to comfort him – but he made himself stop. Slowly, Light's eyes opened again and the look in them made his whole body seize with guilt.

"Ryuuzaki…" Light breathed, "if you're my friend like you say you are… I want you to tell me what you would do if you found out that I was Kira. Knowing all this now, can you honestly still say that you can trust me?" His voice dropped almost to a whisper then, and L could only just hear it as he asked, "Would you hate me?"

Looking into Light's eyes as they were now, there was no question to his innocence and his conflicted confusion. It reminded L of how Kira was so childish from the beginning, how nobody other than Light Yagami could have done what Kira did.

"Even if you were Kira," and he said if just because he knew Light needed to hear it that way, "I would never hate you, Light. And regardless of anything I know you're not Kira right now, and that's what matters to me."

Light stared for a long time. The tips of his ears were very red. He was unable to look at L properly for a while. L had never seen him act like this before, and was a little confused. The look in his eyes now was very strange; the tone of his voice stirred a profundity deep within his chest.

"…But it scares me. The thought that… if I were Kira, I'd want you dead. I don't understand… I don't know how I could ever wish something like that on you."

Unwanted memories ran through L's mind at breakneck speed and he shivered. He felt like the other side of Light he knew was some kind of shadow, some kind of bad dream: even though he knew that for Kira, it was exactly the opposite.

"It was confusing to me, too, Light-kun," he softly replied. "One moment, you seemed like you were the type who would kill without hesitation. Without feeling. It was an unnerving thing, being around you." And you proved it to me. Will you prove it again…?
"That's why I found it so hard to trust you. The idea that at any time, you could be hiding that side of you underneath what I see in front of me now." L nibbled at his thumb through his mask. "But I know it's not true. I know that the Light-kun here right now isn't that person. But… both are equally exhilarating.'

Light paused for a while. "Exhilarating? I… I'm exciting?" He blinked. "Wait, what…?"

L's eyes drifted up as he lost himself deep in thought, recalling how he felt before all of this: before he was sent back, and it every step between them in their game was still unknown. "Being next to Kira is like being next to a ticking time bomb, isn't it? If a case isn't thrilling, I never take it. But never have I been so close. It was a very different feeling… and never have I felt more at danger than when working with you in this state now."

"…But you said you trust me, Ryuuzaki."

"I do. What I said is what I used to think. But now, I like to think that I know better."

Light sat up and snapped, "What do you want from me? Is a confession all you want? You really will never be satisfied unless I'm Kira? Is that it? You admitted it yourself to me before! That you wanted me to be Kira! You…" he glared at L with a bitterness he hadn't seen in a long time. "I can't believe I.. I…"

"No," L blurted out. I can't let this happen. I can't let Light hate me. I can't mess this up, not again. Annoyed at the muffling from his mask, he yanked it away and exposed his face. "Light-kun, no. That's not what I'm saying. I know that you were Kira – but you're not. Right now, you're my friend, my first ever friend, and I wish I could somehow just spend more time with you than this. I want to – listen, what I want more than anything is for you not to be Kira! That's the last thing I want, Light! Do you think I want to see –" L shivered – "I don't need to see that again. I want to be your friend, I want to work alongside you, I want you to be more than my enemy! If you were to be Kira again, Light, I would… I'd…"

You won't be… You won't be, right? Please don't do that to me again.

Left panting slightly in the aftermath of his outburst, L couldn't believe what had just come out of his mouth. Somehow, he'd just poured out everything he had been thinking that he thought he would never say; everything that somewhere within himself had been tightly locked up. He... he meant every word of it.

Both of them were frozen in stunned silence, very quiet, very red, but Light even more so. The sparkle of realization, of something lit up his eyes, and he was encouraged suddenly to shuffle a little bit closer, throat quivering as he swallowed.

"I… I didn't think you would ever… say something like that."

L blinked. He didn't understand what was happening. Why was Light looking at him so strangely? Why was it so difficult to breathe?

He bristled as he felt their chain move and followed with his eyes as Light took it in his hand and smiled. "It's… still true, like I said. As long as this connects us… we're connected by our minds and bodies too, aren't we? By our souls, as well… our purpose. And we will be… for as long as we can."

There was something shining in Light's eyes, and his face was almost dark red, as if he had a fever. Seeing him like this made L feel just as warm somehow; his heart was racing in his chest and he didn't understand why. He couldn't explain the sensation that flooded his body, the feeling of gratefulness and trust. Light's words had moved something inside him; they'd awakened an amazing strength, and L felt like he could do anything.

This must have been… what it felt like to truly be friends with somebody, perhaps? L knew he should be scared; maybe somewhere he was a little scared, but… this feeling wasn't entirely a bad one. It was unfamiliar, it was irrational… but no, it wasn't harmful, at least.

L's pulse was picking up second after second, hammering nonstop. Light… he could trust Light… Light cared about him enough to feel the same… it was all too much. L was almost beginning to panic; no matter what, his heart wouldn't calm down. He'd had never felt this way before with Light, not even when giving up his own name, not even when acting as a friend around him. Why now? What was different?

Hands on his shoulders. Light's hands. L seized up. He felt like he was going to reach boiling point and explode; this was bad, this was bad, he couldn't let himself be seen like this; the last time he felt such a sense of imminent danger, of anticipation could only have been that dreaded memory of when –

When... when I...

"Ryuuzaki, I don't want to leave you. If I were to… then I would be Kira. I would have convinced you to stop suspecting me entirely… and then… our fates would not be the same anymore. You would die."

...Died.

Light was moving closer now. Light's hands were still on his shoulders. Light was looking at him. "Therefore… we have to stay like this. As close as possible. We have to think the same things. We have to share the same goals. We can be… unstoppable as a team. Not only friends. Ryuuzaki –… No, L..." Light said the name almost in a whisper, eyes clouded over as if hypnotized. "I think we can be something… even greater than that…"

Light… What are you trying to say? We could…

But I… You already… If I…

…That's right.

L came to a realization, and all of the warmth drained from his body at once.

I would…

Die.

Light was still there. Light was still touching him. Light was still far too close. And Light was still Kira. Light was always Kira. No matter what, he was always Kira, even if he was saying things like this! And he was smiling, he was smiling so unashamedly at L because he knew he could fool him with it now, he knew he could get away with it!

…No.

No!

You'll still kill me even if you make me think we're friends!

Stop touching me, let go of me, get out, get away from me, stop talking like this! We… we can't be… No, what the hell have I been saying?! How did I let myself trust you? How did I let you fool me?! LET GO!

.

Everyone, the Shinigami –

.

Red was flashing in his vision again, his body was seizing up, L was almost ready to scream, suddenly panicking, unable to see anything but the memory of Kira above him as he died. That smile –

Kira's smile –

'Yagami Light.

I..I wasn't wrong!

But... I...'

You're...

You're not going to kill me.

NOT AGAIN!

And L lashed out and kicked Light in the chest, knocking him off the bed.

..

"Oh, snap!"

Roughly ten Shinigami fell on their asses at once, the crowd all jeering as loud as they could.

"That was cold!"

"Finally, some human violence! Awesome!"

One of the Shinigami pointed to Light. "Dude. If you looked really close, I think you could pinpoint the exact moment his heart just completely shattered."

"Unlucky... Oh man, if he turns back into Kira, he's gonna be PISSED. I think L just doomed everyone. Nice job."

Nu blubbered. "Man, even I can't think of anything for this. I'm just sad. I think I need to go kill someone ridiculously to cheer me up. I'll be by the skull pile if you need me, collecting the remains of my shattered soul." She left with a dramatic sob.

Meanwhile, Ryuk was laughing his ass off. He couldn't remember being quite this entertained before.

"This is why you guys need to start watching humans more often."

..

L gasped for air as he felt his throat constrict. He only returned to his senses when the chain yanked him across the bed in return, sending a sharp shock of pain like a wake-up call to his body.

What have I just done? Why did I…?

L stared at the edge of the bed where Light was crumpled over on the floor and slowly getting to his feet, groaning in pain. He wasn't looking at him.

I… Oh, fuck. No. No, no, no.

But nothing came out of L's mouth. He had no excuse.

"Y-you didn't have to fucking kick me, Ryuuzaki!" Light snapped, body shaking with rage. He was holding himself back from responding in kind. His face was pale now, all the blood had drained from it. "If you wanted to get the point across you could've just –"

"Light," L blurted out, shaking his head. "please calm down."

Light whipped around. "Don't use my name so familiarly."

L's throat dried up again at Light's furious eyes as he sat down on the opposite side of the bed, facing L with his back. His anger was practically roiling off him in waves. L somehow managed to make himself speak. "I just…"

Light clamped a hand over his face, curling into himself slightly. He was subtly shaking, muscles all tensed.

"...It was a panic attack, Light-kun. I couldn't control myself. I didn't know what I was doing."

Light slumped a little. "I made you panic?"

L tugged the chain to get Light's attention and make him turn his way. "No. It wasn't you," he lied. "…It was only something you said that brought a horrible memory to mind. And then I just lashed out. I'm sorry." He decided to make up something. "It's happened to me before, and Watari is aware of it. He's quite used to it by now."

Light still seemed a little wary, but he wasn't angry anymore. Instead, he just covered up his face again and stifled a sigh.

"…Did I hurt you badly?"

"Yes. But I'll be fine. You know that."

"Actually, you might not know if I've bruised something… you could be bleeding internally, and –'"

"Ryuuzaki," Light insisted, "I'm fine." He offered L a tight smile.

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to do that."

"Just forget about it." Light paused. "…It's late now, isn't it? I'd like to have a shower before I go to bed." He held his wrist out for L to uncuff and L silently complied, watching him walk into the bathroom and then close the door.

L sat there on the bed and became buried in his thoughts.

Light came out of the shower sometime later, already dressed in his pyjamas and dried. He was surprised to see L bundled into the covers of the bed like a cocoon, deep in thought. The sight was odd, to say the least, since whenever L needed to sleep it was always in his chair.

It took a few seconds before L even noticed him, and he perked up from his blanket nest like a grasshopper.

"Light-kun," he murmured.

Light must have been calmed down a lot by the shower, as he seemed a little more relaxed and even offered a smile as L greeted him. But there was a dullness in his eyes as he went over to sit on the other side after putting away his towel.

"Why are you in bed, Ryuuzaki? You've never done that before." he raised an eyebrow. "And judging by how you're sitting in it, you've never used one before either."

L nibbled at his thumb. "You were just saying about how we have to be close… don't we? Therefore… why not sleep here tonight? There's enough room. And it will probably be more comfortable than sleeping in my chair again. Besides, when you roll around, sometimes you make the chain tug a lot because of the distance. I'm sure it's annoying for you too."

Light stared, baffled, and L blinked in confusion. "It's not like I'm a girl or anything, so there's no need to be uncomfortable.'

Light then swallowed, going a bit pink, and made an odd noise in his throat. "Well, uh… if you say so, I guess."

L didn't want Light to be uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why he would be. Was it overstepping a professional boundary? But they were friends now, so… "Light-kun…? Is something the matter?'

"Uh… haha, no." he shook his head. "Don't worry."

"Are you still angry with me?"

"…No. It's not that. I believe you, you explained yourself." Light moved his legs and got under the covers. He didn't look at L.

L leaned forward on the balls of his feet and drew in close to the other's face, thumb against his mouth. "Is your Kira side conspiring to kill me again?'

Light tried to edge away. Odd, he usually just put up with L invading his personal space like this. "No! what was that whole conversation for?' he sighed. 'If you're allowed to be depressed sometimes then so am I, Ryuuzaki. Don't worry. It'll pass.'

L returned to his place. He decided he didn't like this. Didn't Light believe that it had been a mistake? He didn't want him to be upset. "Alright. I'll try and find a way to cheer Light-kun up in the meantime. How about that? Hmm… I'm not sure if I should recommend cake. After all –"

"—You lose your appetite when you're depressed."

Light still knew him well. "…Yes. Well, it used to cheer me up, in fact… having cake when I was sad. But then it stopped becoming a treat, because I ate it so often. Perhaps, the association with cake and happiness… of course it would lead to its reversal in time."

"It's not like you to ramble so much, Ryuuzaki," Light chuckled.

"Ah. You're smiling again."

Light quickly wiped away his smile and tried to look serious again. "No I'm not."

L grinned. "Yes you are."

"Nope."

"I always knew Kira was a liar."

"So are you, Ryuuzaki."

"Yes," L agreed, "But that's because I obviously have a great many guarded secrets that cannot be allowed to fall into the public knowledge."

"Like your lack of eyebrows?"

L tilted his head. "You want the answer to that one?"

"Yes, actually."

"Alright. It was an accident."

Light blinked. "What?"

"I had eyebrows, you know. Very recently. But I got some gum in one by accident. And, well.. if you have to shave off one, you have to shave off the rest too."

"What, really?"

"No. I just had a very odd compulsion. Light-kun is now cheered up. He should go to bed."

Light slumped down a little. "…Alright, then."

L was still watching him. He saw Light stare in confusion. "Ryuuzaki, are you going to sleep in that? Your normal clothes?"

"Hmm." L grinned mischievously. "Light-kun is suggesting I strip?"

Light almost choked and his eyes went wide for a moment, "N-Nobody is suggesting that but you."

L shrugged, hooking his cuff to the bedpost for a moment so he could pull his shirt off, jeans soon following, leaving himself in his underwear. He folded the clothing neatly (A leftover habit from his days in the orphanage) and placed it on the nearby chair, then reattached himself.
"To be honest," he explained casually, back arching as he stretched out and yawned, "when I have to sleep I actually feel most comfortable completely naked, but I'm not sure even I could outrun the law if your father managed to found out."
L fell back into his usual hunch and then sat down. "And I'm sure Light-kun wouldn't exactly appreciate it."

Scratching at the base of his neck, he then turned to see Light was staring at him very intently. Odd; he wasn't even wearing his calligraphy-print boxers today. (Those were for days when he really needed to think.) But the second the other noticed L looking at him he quickly blinked and folded his arms in his lap, his face strangely red again.

L frowned, worried. "Do you have a fever, Light-kun?"

Light quickly returned to life and looked away with a shrug. "Uh… n-no. I feel fine."

L tilted his head, nibbling at his thumb. "Mmm… well, I'll have a look at it in the morning. We can't have both of us being ill. If it's serious, Light-kun may need somebody to take care of him."

"Oh. You're right." Light blinked, and he stared into space like he'd had an epiphany. "…Now that I think about it, I was lying just now. I feel horrible, actually."

L frowned again. "Hmm. Lying doesn't help your percentages any, Light-kun..." he paused. "I should stop saying that. I've chosen to focus now on the fact that I know you aren't currently Kira. I'm sorry." Laying down, he curled into a foetal position on his side, thumb at his mouth. "Well now, good night."

The bedsheets on the other side shifted around Light's body.

"…Good… night. Hmm… Can I, uh... Ryuuzaki, do you mind if I quickly use the bathroom?"

"Well, well!" Midora giggled into the portal. "There's something I don't see when Misa-Misa sits on your lap! Eh-heh-heh!"

Nix grunted in disgust. "...Midora, why are you watching that?"

"Hey, don't tell me you wouldn't hit that like a damn comet."

"…Dude," Ryuk gagged, "pretty sure that's illegal. In both our worlds."

Midora shrugged and sloshed over her lips with her oversized tongue, lowering her eyes and growling thickly, "Well then, call me a lawbreaker."

"…Eeeew," someone whined.

"But in a way, to a Shinigami like us, age really is… just a number," snickered Nu. "It floats in front of faces."

"Ugh," Ryuk groaned, "don't even go there. Also, oh, hey Nu. You're back."

"Yeah? Gonna lecture me about the rules, Mr. Extra Death Note swindler?" Midora returned. "Tell Sidoh that to his face over here!"

Sidoh made a disagreeable sound somewhere between a grumble and a whimper.

Ryuk shrugged at him. "Hey, no hard feelings."

"Alright, break it up, break it up!" Gukku called out. "I'm try'na watch."

Ximera gawked. "What're you talking about? They're just sleeping now. Thankfully."

"That's not interesting?"

"Not really."

Ryuk didn't nearly have enough apples right now to deal with this right now. What had he gotten himself into?

Still, he thought, cackling, I can't deny how hilarious this is. If I ever told Light he'd end up making googly eyes at his arch-enemy like some lovestruck schoolgirl his reaction would've been priceless!

But I've had enough of this already. After all, it'll be even more interesting…

To see what happens when he finally comes back.