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Chapter One:

Everything in this world is unclean.

Germs, disease, filth - there is no place untouched, no place safe, no person pure. Sometimes it's hard for Edd to even breathe. Other times it's like the world is closing in, like the filth is on him and in him, and he feels as if he could come out of his skin.

Others, it's as if he's the thing that's tainted.

It's not an easy way to live. There's panic, pain and horror but he's okay. This is the only way to live he knows. It's difficult but it's also safe.

It's been two days since Edd met Kevin Barr, the new counselor at the college, and each second has felt like a test.

Everyone has seemed much closer, everything much dirtier, much harder.

Students with the sniffles wiping their faces before touching their lab equipment. Teachers smiling and trying to pat him on the back. The head of the science department wrapping an arm around his shoulders companionably as they went over their plans. His co-workers trying so hard to get him to go out to eat it felt like harassment.

It's so hard. Endlessly painful. He wants it all to stop: the people bumping into him, the feel of their breath on his skin, their eyes. People are so gross and he usually avoids them with ease, knows where to walk and when to go to avoid being touched, can slip through a crowd with ease, yet he's found himself slipping and panicking these past two days. He just wants to be left alone.

It's days like these that make him want to curl up and just stop. Why try? Why do anything?

Sitting in his living room after another long, stressful day, his hands bloody and stinging from how furiously he's been washing them, Edd stares down at Kevin's number which he had put in his phone in order to throw away the business card. He doesn't know where it came from, after all, or what could have contaminated it.

He's calling before the action even registers. Then he doesn't have a chance to ground himself because Kevin picks up almost instantly, barely through one ring.

"This is Kevin Barr speaking." His voice is much deeper than Edd remembers and it somehow adds to his panic.

His mouth feels stuffed with cotton, chest is so tight it aches. When he opens his mouth, all that comes out is a choked, strained noise.

"Talk to me," Kevin says and it's as if everything has changed: his tone is firm yet gentle, caring. It compels Edd to listen yet he still can't bring himself to speak. "Do you need an ambulance?"

That shocks Edd out of his frozen state. "No!" he gasps. "No… I'm so sorry. I'm - I'm very nervous. Oh my, this was a bad idea…"

Kevin is quiet for a moment; even over the phone the tension is tangible.

"This is… I'm so sorry."

"Is this Eddward?" Kevin asks finally. "Edd Vincent the chemistry professor?"

"Yes," he squeaks.

"I'm glad you called," he says emphatically. It's strange how he can sound so cold and warm all at once. "It takes a lot of courage to do this sort of thing."

Edd blushes all the way to the tips of his ears. "Oh! Oh no, I just-"

He laughs softly, a husky, warm sound that makes Edd's chest twinge with something he can't describe. "Sorry," Kevin murmurs, "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"It's o-okay," he chokes out.

"Would you like me to treat you? If not, that's completely fine. I know some top notch-"

"No! I mean- oh goodness, I just mean… I would prefer this to be…"

Kevin hums. "I understand. You want it to be more casual."

"Yeah…"

"That's perfectly fine. I'd like to help you out so how about we meet every once in awhile and work on it? Think of it as more of a project than an - appointment," he tries.

Edd appreciates what he's doing, avoiding talking about this like he's going to the doctor because he's practically insane. It makes him feel safer despite this man being a stranger. "I-I don't want to be a burden to you. Uh, how much?"

"How much what?"

"The price…"

"Oh no," he says and sounds sincerely shocked. "It's- no, nothing. Free of charge. You can buy me lunch or something, how about that? That's more than enough."

"But- you're going to be treating me. Surely there's something I can give you."

"Double D - is it alright if I call you that? Sorry, I'm just used to Nazz referring to you-"

Edd laughs softly. "Yes, of course."

"Well, Double D, don't worry about paying me or anything like that. This is something I'd like to do."

"Are you… sure?"

"Of course," he insists assuredly. "How about we meet up at lunch tomorrow. Would that be okay?"

"Yes, that's perfectly fine."

"Good. Let's continue this conversation then, face to face, okay? Or do you need anything now? If so, that's fine. Even if you just need to talk for a little while."

Edd's chest floods with warmth. "Thank you…" he breathes before he knows what he's saying.

"You don't need to thank me."

Edd blushes again. "We-well, I just- I'm fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mr. Barr."

Kevin scoffs. "If I can call you 'Double D' then you better call me Kevin, okay?"

That shocks a small laugh out of him, his nerves finally easing. "Alright, Kevin."

"Later, Double Dork," he chuckles and the phone beeps.

Edd is left blushing and huffing, torn between pleasure and indignation.

Fear is practically choking him by the time lunch comes around. He was tempted to stay home today but felt that he must come for Kevin. The man was being beyond considerate - truly giving Edd a chance unlike any other - and Edd just can't let him down.

He expertly avoids all contact and sits at one of the tables furthest from any commotion. His hands are dry and aching, bound in whatever bandages and wrappings he could find that morning, and he's honestly terribly embarrassed by it but it's not like it's anything a counselor hasn't seen before (he hopes).

Edd has his lunch with them but he still must wash off the table, quickly as not to draw too much attention, and sets his lunch bag down.

"Is it okay for us to sit together?"

Edd gasps and jerks his head around to face Kevin.

The redhead raises an eyebrow. "I know I said we would do this today but I didn't consider how it might stress you," he explains and motions to the table.

"Oh, uh, it's fine, Mr.- I mean, Kevin." He laughs sheepishly.

Kevin's lips quirk and he takes the seat across from Edd. He already has his tray which makes Edd frown. "Don't worry about it. Next time. For now, tell me about your condition."

Edd's throat grows tight. "I… O-okay, what do you need to know?"

"Have you ever sought treatment before?" he murmurs and leans against the table, green eyes pinning Edd.

"No…"

"Ever tried to cure yourself?"

"Ah…" he swallows and looks away. "A few times but… I never got far and I always just thought…"

"You were okay? I know the feeling. It's normal to feel that way."

I know the feeling.

Edd opens his mouth to ask what that means then closes it, thinking better of it. "It is?"

"Mhm. But you can feel so much better than this," he continues. Edd feels like he's trapped in Kevin's gaze. "How long have you suffered from this?"

Edd's jaw twitches. "A… A very long time. As long as I can remember."

It's a lie.

"Then you can't remember when it began?"

"No, I cannot."

Another lie. It's obvious Kevin can tell but he only hums thoughtfully and nods.

His unreadable expressions are going to give Edd a panic attack all on their own.

"So, tell me what makes you uncomfortable."

Edd squirms in his seat, laughing nervously. He opens his lunch bag for something to do. "Uh… well… Germs. Illness. Disease."

"You're afraid of germs then? Specifically?"

"Yes. Dirtiness in general."

"I see…"

"I don't like touching people or-or their things. It makes me so nervous… Just breathing in the air-" he cuts himself off and shakes his head viciously. "I'm sorry. I got carried away."

"No, no - don't apologize. Talk to me. This is the point," he assures Edd. "Do you feel claustrophobic?"

"Yes…"

"Nervous around large groups?"

"Yes…"

Kevin hums thoughtfully. "Just because they have germs or because of something else?"

"Just germs, I suppose."

Kevin stabs a piece of steamed broccoli with his fork and pops it in his mouth, staring at the table for a moment. "Do you have a notebook?"

Edd scrambles to get one out of his satchel.

"Good. I want you to write down ten things which are difficult for you to do though you need or want to do them. Start with the easiest, something you can do if you make yourself. Ten is something so difficult it seems impossible."

Edd looks down at the notebook, suddenly daunted by the blank page. "Right now?" he squeaks.

"Yes. Don't think too much about this. Just write what feels natural."

"O-okay…"

It's surprisingly easy once he puts pen to page but as he goes down the page from one to two to three all the way to nine, his nerves grow. He puts down ten in his delicate, even writing but when he moves to write out this hardest thing, the thing he wants so badly yet makes his stomach roil… he can't.

He drops the pen on the table then turns the notebook around on the table for Kevin to read.

The man hums, nodding thoughtfully as he goes down the list.

Touching doorknobs, handrails or elevator buttons without gloves.

Touching others' belongings.

Allowing others to touch my belongings.

Going a day without a shower.

Shaking someone's hand.

Eating out.

Eating or drinking after someone.

Hugging someone.

Allowing someone in my room.

"Why did you leave ten blank?" Kevin asks calmly and his green eyes flicker to meet Edd's.

Edd's mouth is dry as bone. He can only shake his head, eyes now on the table.

"It's alright, Edd… Just talk to me."

"It-it's private…"

Kevin is quiet for the briefest moment before he makes a soft noise. "That's okay. We'll work on it. You don't need to tell me, though, so don't worry about that."

"Oh…"

"Double D," he murmurs, voice much warmer than before, and Edd's eyes raise to meet his immediately. "From now on you're going to work down this list. Starting with one, little by little we'll work through each until you are completely comfortable. There's no time limit or anything like that, just take as long as you need with each."

Edd stares down at the page before them, now terrified.

"It's called exposure therapy," he explains.

"I've heard of it," Edd says defensively.

"That's good."

Edd rubs at his eyes nervously.

"Double D, it's okay. I'm going to be here for you. We'll take baby steps. Just a little at a time."

When Edd meets his eyes he can almost believe it. "Why… I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but may I ask why you're so - I mean, this is just so kind of you-"

Kevin chuckles softly. "Would you believe me if I told you I'm just a giving guy?"

Edd quirks his eyebrow.

That earns an honest laugh, deep and low, from the man. "Yeah, I wouldn't either. How about this? I'll tell you," he begins with a smirk as he begins peeling an orange, "when you tell me number ten."

Cheeks flushed, Edd nods. "Alright… It's a deal."

Kevin's grin does terrible (wonderful) things to Edd's stomach.

"Well," Kevin sighs and pushes back from the table and looking across the room, "I think we should begin."

He's looking at the doors, Edd realizes, and his stomach sinks. "Right now?"

Kevin's eyes gleam with amusement. "It's alright. I've got you, okay?"

In that moment, Edd feels like this man, with his gorgeous green eyes and teasing smile, is going to be the death of him.

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