I was fucking lost.

One would think that after years of working for the Systems Alliance military, having taken part in... shit, I didn't even know how many freaking ops, including secret and no-so-secret ones, I had been part of, I'd have gotten better at this. Ten years I had been at this, ever since I showed up on Mindoir the day I got so damn lost in New Zealand.

Nononono, don't go there. Don't get so damn lost that you bend reality again and end up in fuck knows where and Goddess knows when.

I'm hanging out too much with the asari.

I needed to get my ass in gear. If Shiala got there on her own without me to cover her ass, she was going to be in so much shit she was never going to be able to get the smell out, assuming she even survived. I wasn't about to add another name to the long list of people who had died during my service. I racked the Black Mamba and redoubled my speed. It wasn't easy, the Spectre grade armor Shiala had gotten me this time was heavy. I could always tell just how much trouble we were about to get into by looking at the load she had chosen for me.

I ran up the hill, thinking that this didn't look like anything we had seen on the map. Shit, I was definitely lost. As I got to the top, I caught sight of people ahead. An alliance patrol. Huh. Colonial uniform colours, what the hell were they doing-

"Watch out!" someone shouted.

I looked to the side and saw someone in a yellow hardsuit. Looked like an upgraded hazmat. He had an assault rifle in his hands.

Is that a geth pulse rifle?

My examination was cut short when I heard a rumble overhead. Ships. Ships coming down towards us, ships everywhere entering the atmosphere. Geth ships. And at the back, an even bigger ship. Black against the sky, large tentacles gripping the tallest arcology in view.

A reaper.

Geth.

Colonial marines.

Eden Prime.

"Son of a bitch!"

I rushed towards the man in yellow, unracking my trusty Mamba. A geth gunship had come down, and was making straight for the marines. Damn, I didn't have any heavy weapons with me.

"Here!" I shouted, throwing my sniper rifle at the man.

He turned, looked at the gun flying at him, and grabbed it clumsily, dropping the assault rifle in the process. He didn't have a helmet, so I finally got to see his face.

And I froze.

"Holy shit!" we both shouted.

He was me.

It had to be some sort of cosmic joke. Me. In Spectre gear, of all things. Older, with some white hair already coming out. There was a noticeable scar coming over the bridge of my... of his nose, down at an angle and touching the cheek, too. Must have been ugly. Not only that, but I looked... Damn, I looked like I knew what the fuck I was doing. I swear I had the same look Shepard did when she was out during ops.

"What the..." I muttered.

"Great," I... well, Spectre I muttered. Spectre from now on. "I've broken the laws of physics again."

"You... what?"

"Not now, shoot the fucking dropship!"

He got out of cover and started shooting. I unfolded the sniper rifle and tried to do the same. Crap, I couldn't hit shit with that gun.

"What the hell?" Spectre said.

"I've never used a sniper rifle!" I yelled.

"What have you used?" Spectre said, giving me a look.

"Like I need that from me," I muttered, picking up the pulse rifle and starting to shoot. It wasn't brilliant, but I was scoring some hits.

Spectre shot a few more rounds and stopped, his gun hissing angrily. "Yeah, sorry. How long have you been at this?"

"Not long," I said. "Got here a few weeks ago, got to the Normandy, got kicked out of the Normandy..."

"What?" Spectre said. "How the hell did that happen?"

"I don't know, all Shepard ever did was belittle me, and Ash was no better. Maybe she's just a bitch."

"Hey!"

"What?"

Spectre was giving me an angry look. "She's been through a lot, okay? I was there when Mindoir was attacked."

It took me a moment to process that.

"The fucking AI, what the shit's going on?"

"The what?"

"The AI!" I snapped, and got my rifle up again.

Geth were coming out of the gunship, but between the ground team ahead and Spectre scoring headshot after headshot, they were being kept at bay. Shit, I didn't know I could be that good. What the hell was I even doing?

"So who's the AI?" Spectre said.

"The AI, the one that put us here? What the hell is she thinking now anyway?"

"I never saw any AI," Spectre said. "I got lost and ended up on Mindoir. I was trying to keep Lana safe."

"Lana?"

"Shepard."

"Okay. I think we're on a different play-through or something. My Shepard's a spacer, and she's called Elizabeth. And her parents are alive."

"... right."

Geth had stopped coming out, and now all guns were pointed at the dropship. It didn't take long for the effects to be noticed, shields going down and bullets tearing through the engine. As soon as it crashed, we both dove into cover, catching our breaths. Damn, Spectre was good. I wondered what exactly had happened for me to get that good. Well, probably because it was a parallel universe or something.

Actually, I could ask.

"Hey, I have to ask. What the hell happened to you?"

Newbie me was really in over his head. I was okay with the gun, as in FNG okay, but ye gods he needed work. Well, I had had the advantage of a three month bootcamp. Back in the day, I wasn't much better. Looking at him I was reminded of the Mindoir raid. Again.

"Batarians," I said.

Newbie looked at me for a moment, then, without missing a beat, gestured for me to go on. I had to chuckle at that, it was rare to find someone who I could talk to that would understand me.

"I got to Mindoir the day the batarians attacked. I dragged Lana out of- Shepard out of there."

"But-"

"I know, I know. I didn't have to. I tried to help, but did fuck all."

Newbie nodded, as if he understood. I bet he understood.

"So what happened? You joined with her crew or something?"

"Dude, she was sixteen. She was a kid. I actually ended up as her legal guardian until she turned eighteen and joined the army."

Newbie whistled at that. "Damn. What happened after that?"

"What didn't. I got in touch with Benezia, and told her everything about the reapers."

"BENEZIA?!"

"She wasn't indoctrinated."

I didn't have to explain much more. He caught my train of thought and went with it, the implications. With Benezia, I had had a powerful partner to reshape the galaxy, prepare for the invasion. It hadn't gone exactly as planned - what plan ever worked as advertised? - and we suffered our share of setbacks. But I didn't really need to explain that. I knew he wouldn't be interested in the details.

"And Shepard?"

"I left her out of all that," I replied. "All I wanted was to keep her safe. Just remember what happened to her in the games. I didn't want that for her."

"But... what about the reapers?"

"At the end of the day, all we need is the Crucible, remember?"

Newbie furrowed his brow. "Crucible won't work. That's what the AI told me."

"What? What AI?"

"The AI that put me here. She dropped me on Eden Prime. Well, before this. And then has been all over my ass not letting me change anything."

"That's... odd."

Whatever conversation we were about to have was cut short when a roar of engines warned us of more upcoming dropships. Spectre immediately picked up his rifle, not even blinking or giving any outward sign of alarm. Me? Shit, I was back on Eden Prime and I had no fucking clue what to do. And now we had two incoming geth dropships.

"So what about you?" Spectre said, already shooting at the incoming ships. "What have you been doing?"

"As I said!" I yelled, definitely a lot less calm than he was. "Got here, managed to get to the Normandy, and every time I tried to make a change, the AI fucked with me!"

"You sound angry."

"The fuck I wouldn't be!" I snapped. "I can't tell Shepard anything, and I'm not a badass Spectre like you are! I can't go and ask Benezia for help either!"

"I'm not a Spectre, just work with one. And you're looking at it the wrong way. Just think of the biggest change you can make that Shepard doesn't have anything to do with. You're going to have to work behind her back."

"How do you know?" I said, a little bitter.

Spectre chuckled. "Yeah, that's what I'd have said. I've been doing that behind her back for a decade, you know. You can do it, I believe in you."

...

I didn't think I'd ever hear that coming from anyone. Coming from myself it felt like he was just-

"I'm not just saying it," Spectre said, catching what I was thinking. Of course he would. "I'm not working an angle. I did it myself, you can do it too."

Our conversation - if a conversation could be called, done between bursts of automatic fire - was interrupted by an enormous explosion. A flash, and one of the dropships was reduced to pieces, falling from the sky under a small growing mushroom cloud. We followed the trace of the shot, to find a man in a huge armor suit walking towards us. I recognized the gun in his hands. From the games.

"Is that a Cain?" Spectre said.

"Sure looks like one," I replied.

We looked at the man, and the recognition was immediate. He wasn't wearing a helmet.

"You have to be kidding," Big Armor us said, stopping just a few steps from us and looking down.

He looked weary. A large burnt patch on the right side of his neck, fresh blood on scrapes on that side of the face. And wearing this massive armor suit with the Alliance logo on the breast, dark blue and green colours. He was carrying enough weapons to start a small war himself.

"Okay," Spectre said. "And what the hell happened to you?"

I was about to ask the same.

Author's Notes: Here we go, a silly one-shot having my self-inserts meet each other during Eden Prime. And with a bit of an extra because I'm a horrible, horrible tease. Hope you found it amusing! :D