Clarke shifted from foot to foot, her hands fidgeting behind her back. Tell her, Clarke told herself. Tell her how you feel.

Clarke took a small step closer to Lexa and drew a short deep breath. She was a few words away from having Lexa to kiss and to hold and to love like she had always wanted. Even if it meant she had to comfort her in the darkest hour of night and Costia was still the name Lexa called to in her sleep. Clarke wanted to be with Lexa for as long as she could. The more she had spent time with the commander, the more she wanted to allow herself to taste what she had been longing for. As long as we have each other, everything will be fine. We will be fine. There was no reason she couldn't tell Lexa how she felt. There was no reason they could not be lovers.

Unless this alliance is broken …

Clarke quickly prevented herself from continuing with her grim thought. No. No one's going to mess it up. Not Kane, not Bellamy, not my mom. No one. They all wanted peace. That much was certain. Clarke tried to convince herself that there was nothing to worry about but then Bellamy's words echoed in her head and they made her realize it'd be wise to decide against her heart. Lexa will always put her people first, he said. And I will always put mine first.

Clarke stopped and swallowed as she remembered who she was. She was not just Clarke Griffin anymore. She was the commander of death and the ambassador of the Skaikru. Their survival was her responsibility. It was a part of her and loving Lexa threatened to take that away. Maybe Bellamy was right. She should be with her people, to lead them and keep them out of troubles. If something went wrong with the twelve clans, Grounders would pressure Lexa to bring their wrath on the Skaikru. And if Lexa should ever choose to protect her and the sky people then she would be in danger herself. Like Fin. Clarke still remembered him. How could she ever forget? He was the first who died for her and he died because of her. Would he be the last? She could only hope so.

She looked at Lexa one more time. What if something happened to her because of me too? Clarke knew she could not allow that. Not only because she loved Lexa, but also because Clarke was aware that whoever became the next commander might not favour the Skaikru the way Lexa did. Then everything they had done would go to waste. The idea terrified her. She wanted both her people and Lexa to live. She would not have one and lose the other. But could she really have both at her side? It seemed unrealistic like wishing a daydream could become reality. Clarke feared that it would come a day she had to choose between her people and Lexa. It'll be wiser if I never have Lexa to call mine in the first place…

The thought of Lexa leaving it all behind, grab her hand and run away together into the sunset never occurred to her as well. It was simply impossible. That sort of thing only happens in love stories. Clarke had never taken a liking to love stories. Often than not, they are full of purity and perfection when real life is full of broken hearts and broken promises.

"Clarke?" Lexa shot an eyebrow at her, waiting impatiently for her to continue. Clarke felt her stomach tightened. She opened her mouth but her voice was lost and her words were stuck in her throat. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and settled her thought.

Clarke quickly regained her composure and bit back her sweet word. She forced herself to speak with her slightly shaking lips. "If something happened to you, I'd never be the same again," she finally said, looking at the comely commander. There was a hint of delight on Lexa's flawless face. The corners of her mouth curled, making a lovely smile on her lovely face. Clarke wanted to cup her cheeks, pull her close and kiss her but she did not move.

"Because you're my friend .. Nothing more or less," she added lamely, not meeting Lexa's eyes. Even so her heart ached all the same and her own words left a bitter taste in her mouth. Friend. Clarke never knew such a meaningful word could sound so hollow and horrible to her ears. Lexa's smile turned to a frown and Clarke's heart sank at that. But what other choice do I have? Clarke's forehead made a worry line. What choice do I have?

Lexa stood rigidly. She did not utter a word as if she was waiting if Clarke was going to say anything more. Clarke didn't. If Lexa was disappointed, she did not make a comment. She gave a rather stiff nod and wordlessly turned her back to Clarke. The silence grew intense and neither of them spoke for a long moment.

Clarke stared at the back of heda, her vision blurred by tears in her eyes. She swiped them off with her trembling finger. Not wanting to let her sadness be seen, she excused herself, left the room and the commander without glancing back.