Regrets

by Concolor44

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Author's Note: This is the sequel to "Custard", and the third in the "Death and Taxes" series. My Muse is having a ball with this. I hope you do, too.

(Also, if you find any typos, please let me know so I can fix 'em. I found one, but it seems as if something always slips by me.)

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Titans' Tower, 25 August, 11:08am

The light, rapid tapping pulled Jinx out of her brown study, and made her glance over at the dark, featureless metal of the entry portal. Suddenly apprehensive, she didn't hurry to cross Raven's room and answer it. While she ambled, she went over who might be knocking. Not Stone. The rapping would have been a lot sharper, with a ringing metal-on-metal overtone. Likely not Changeling. He'd just yell through the door. Probably not Nightwing … no, definitely not. He was still … processing the news. And he would have hit harder. That left Starfire and Terra. Starfire would have knocked a lot more. Her exuberance over having "new very dear friend and Raven's True Love Jinx" in the Tower hadn't even begun to cool down yet. Nodding to herself, Jinx smiled and hit the pad beside the door, causing it to slide silently open. "Hey, Terra."

"Hey." Her grin wasn't as overwhelming as Star's but a constant fixture nonetheless. "We haven't had a whole lotta chance to talk yet."

"Well, that's … true." She leaned against the doorframe. "What's on your mind?"

"Wanted to get to know you some more! Rae-Rae won't be back from patrol 'til after three an' it's almost lunchtime. Wanna grab a sandwich?"

Jinx's stomach gave a muted growl, pulling a tiny smirk out of the hexster. "You talked me into it. Is this a 'grab a sandwich from the kitchen' or a 'grab a sandwich from some place that actually knows how to put one together'?"

"Have you looked in the fridge?"

"… Come to think on it, no."

"That woulda answered your question. There's a terrific deli …" She stepped back and gave Jinx a once-up-and-down. "Are you vegetarian?"

"Happens I am. That a problem?"

"Oh, hell, no, not for me!" Terra raised both hands in denial. "BB's vegan. I'm used to it. I even like his tofu eggs once in a while. But he gives me the stink-eye whenever me an' Cy go halvesies on a Supersize Classic Italian Meat-Lover's Deluxe Pizza, and Marino's has this Steak Bomb that really is all kinds of awesome and I was wondering if that would …"

"Nah," interrupted Jinx. "If you saw the kinds of crap I used to fix for the guys? You'd know better."

"… The guys? Oh!" Her eyes widened. "You mean the H.I.V.E. Five."

"Brain-Dead Five is more like it. Wally was right about that, at least, even if his gaydar was offline."

The geomancer grinned. "Not that Rae-Rae minds."

"She, uh, doesn't seem to." Some color tinged Jinx's cheek.

"God, but you two are cute together!" She grabbed Jinx's hand. "Well, if we're gonna get back before she does, we better get goin'. Oh, and you're gonna need a helmet. Wearin' your hair down like that looks nice, but it'll be a wreck if you don't put it up while we ride."

Terra, as it turned out, had been gifted a totally hot motorcycle that Cyborg had hand-crafted (er, well … you know what I mean) specifically to fit her. She loved it. And there was room for Jinx behind her. This sleek bronze-and-teal machine had become her preferred mode of transportation for getting around town while off-duty, as leaving boulders lying around on the sidewalk was somewhat frowned upon by the local businesses … though some of the neighborhood kids thought they were neat.

The deli, as it happened, had four different vegetarian subs on the menu, and Jinx quickly settled on one that involved hummus, fresh spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, roasted red peppers and chopped olives, garnished with a spicy brown mustard and sweet onion relish. Terra, with obvious delight, ordered her Steak Bomb.

The girls were halfway through their sandwiches before another word was spoken. Terra wiped her mouth with one of the paper towels from the roll hanging off the wall and asked, "So … first impressions?"

"It's d'lishussh!"

"I meant about us. Bein' with the Titans."

"… I …" She dabbed at her own lips, licked off two fingers, and dabbed again. "I knew that." She took a long swig of cream soda and then rested her chin on both fists, staring at a spot behind Terra's left shoulder. "Mixed, I guess."

"Because of Nightwing?"

"He doesn't like me." She gave her head a small shake and chuckled quietly. "Pretty sure he never will. Probably never trust me either, not that I can really blame him."

"You might be surprised."

"Well, it would, if he did. He would have attacked me if … well …"

"Yeah, Star told me all about it. Said Raven went all demon-y on his ass."

"Eh. She held him in a soul-self bubble until he calmed down. Then the two of 'em had a long heart-to-heart in that little meeting room. She told me he promised to give me a chance. Sorta like a probationary period."

"That's a start."

"Yeah." She sighed and picked a little pinch of bread off her whole-wheat roll. "I think I've got something totally great going with Rae now, but … my past is always gonna be an issue, one way or another."

"That's true of every last person on this ball o' dirt."

"Yeah, but how many of 'em were super-criminals?"

Terra hesitated only a breath before raising a hand.

Quirking an eyebrow, Jinx said, "Excuse me?"

One short nod answered her.

"You?"

"Me."

"Rae didn't say anything about …"

"They've all agreed not to bring it up. We got it all talked out about, oh, I guess it was six months ago. The bunch of us went out to this swank place up in the Cascades. Nightwing called it a cabin. That's kinda like callin' the QEII a ferry. Twelve bedrooms – 'scuse me, suites. Sucker had to be way over a thousand square meters, three floors, indoor pool, theater room, sauna … and a gourmet chef and a massage therapist on staff."

"Holy shit."

"That's kinda what I thought." She shifted on her seat, not comfortably, and continued, "We were there for eight days. Longest eight days of my life."

"So … how were you a super-criminal? You seem awful tight with 'em."

"Oh, I am. Now." She gave Jinx a calculating look. "How much has Rae told you about my history with the Titans?"

"… Um … not much. Not, uh, not really much of anything. You and Long, Green and Lanky are an item." A grin slipped out. "You give her a fit sometimes, you and him, when you get horizontal. She did tell me that."

Terra blushed, a striking change on her fair skin. "Not that it's any of her business."

"Oh, she doesn't listen in on purpose. Says that apparently Gar's got some mad skills at, uh, getting you into a certain state and sorta keepin' you there for a while, and her mental shield isn't up to the job of blocking you out when you're in the middle of a really big …"

"Can we please talk about something besides my sex life?"

"Sure. Sorry. I'm one to talk, I know."

"You ain't wrong about that. You two were pretty loud last night. I gotta tell ya, it's a treat knowin' that Rae-Rae can cut loose like that without puttin' the rest of the world at risk." She rested her hand on the back of Jinx's. "You are so good for her."

"I hope so." More quietly she muttered, "Hope she doesn't get tired of me."

"Nah. Raven's a lot of things, but flighty ain't one of 'em. And we ran down a rabbit trail."

"Oh, right."

"I joined up with the Titans the first time some years back. I was fourteen, nearly fifteen, and you could say my control over my powers was sketchy. Always had been." Her gaze got distant. "I had … an unpleasant childhood. Moved a lot. Mainly moving away from my own screw-ups."

Jinx nodded, her lips thinning. "I can relate."

"Hmh. Yeah, I guess you can."

Staring through the tabletop, Jinx whispered, "When your own family doesn't want to have anything to do with you …"

Terra's gaze was just as distant. "When you're eight years old and they hand you a backpack with some food and a blanket in it …"

"… and you get passed around to the relatives until nobody will take you because you break everything …"

"… and they tell you not to come back because it was your fault the house caved in …"

"… so they put you in the car and drive for hours and you fall asleep and wake up in an alley in a strange city …

"… and you wander off into the woods because that's what's close, but you don't have any idea how to build a fire or even a lean-to …"

"… and you don't know where else to go, and you have to learn how to steal just to survive all alone on the streets …"

"… and you get really, really hungry before you figure out how to kill a rabbit with a rock …"

Jinx raised her eyes to see that Terra was watching her. "… and not one of 'em ever looks for you …"

"… and nobody in your family cares if you live or die …"

"… it's easy to get a little …"

"… bitter," finished Terra.

The two women stared at each other across the small table, the same thought running through both their heads: She gets it. Terra dropped her gaze and picked her sandwich back up. After a couple of heartbeats, Jinx did the same. Neither said anything for a minute as they allowed the bleak mood to fade.

The blonde cleared her throat, finished her juice, and sighed. "So … we were there for eight days."

The change of subject was just what Jinx needed.

"We spent the whole time going over what I'd done wrong, and what I needed to do to … to get better. And to make up for my past mistakes." She caught Jinx's eye. "Nightwing? He can be a right bastard when he wants to be. Missed his calling. Shoulda been a Special Forces drill sergeant."

Jinx didn't quite spit out the bite she was chewing when she laughed. "I can just picture it." She waved what was left of her sandwich at the other girl. "You skipped the part about why you were a super-villain. You don't seem the type."

"Oh. Well, like I said, I was fourteen and unstable and scared. It made me kinda easy for somebody to … um …"

Immediately detecting where she was going with that, Jinx offered, "Manipulate?"

"Yeah, that's the word. That was 'Wing's word. 'course any time that asshole gets involved, it sorta monopolizes his attention and …"

"Wait, you mean Nightwing?"

"What? No!"

"Whoa, whoa, back up. You lost me there. Which asshole are we talkin' about?"

"Right, sorry! Okay …" She gathered her thoughts. "Lemme start at the start. I'd been with the Titans for … not long. Few weeks. BB had a crush on me, and it was kinda mutual. He found out just how shaky my control was. I made him promise not to tell." She drew a long sigh and closed her eyes for a bit, then mumbled, "I hate this part." Another breath. Two. "Robin figured out my problem. He offered to help, to train me so I could get better. But I thought Gar had … you know, squealed. He didn't, though. But I didn't stick around for explanations. I left mad and cryin'. Mad at him for telling. Mad at myself for trusting. Just generally pissed at the world."

"Sucks."

"Yeah. Stupidest thing I ever did, just running away. So a couple days later I'm campin' in the woods east of Big Sur, this guy just shows up. Says he knows me. Says he can help me. Said he'd done it before. I didn't really, you know, feel like I had much option. So I went with him."

"And he, what, turned you into a supervillain?"

"Basically. Got inside my head, big-time. He knew most of my buttons already and … found the rest of 'em before long." She glanced over at a couple that had just sat down at the next table, then looked back at Jinx. "Let's walk."

"Suits me." She'd been getting a few stares, even without the horns. Not that she wasn't used to it by then, but she still didn't like it … and she refused, on principle, to dye her hair. They left.

A few minutes later Terra pulled her bike up under the shade of an ancient oak that spread its limbs well out over the parking lot at Cobb Park. They got off and strolled slowly down toward the small, artificial lake at the south end of the park. The day was bright, but the breeze off the ocean cool, and the dappled shade made it perfect.

Terra pulled a three-sixty to make sure they were out of earshot, and then faced Jinx. "So he, ah, trained me."

"Was he any good?"

Terra's mouth twisted. "He was good at psychological warfare. It wasn't long before he turned me into his own little puppet. Oh, I was aware of what I was doing … but he'd convinced me … used my body's own natural response to …" She sighed again. "He, uh, owned me in just about every way you can think of. I made some really, really bad choices. I went … went back to the Titans. They were glad to see me, they let me …"

"Whooooa-stop. You went back … while you were, what, being controlled by the asshole?"

"Yeah. As a spy."

"But …"

"I was in a really dark place, okay? I'm not making excuses. I fucked up bad and I know it. I'm just telling it like it happened."

"… Okay. Sorry. I'm not judging or anything – hell, that'd be the high point of hypocrisy – I was just surprised is all. I guess they didn't know about … who was this guy, anyway?"

"Professional criminal. Assassin-type dude for a day-job, megalomaniac on his own time. His handle was Deathstroke, but the Titans only ever knew him as-"

"Slade?!"

Terra took a step back. "Uh … I guess you know about him, too, huh?"

"He's … he was the one … he hired us! From the H.I.V.E. Me an' Giz an' Mammoth! He hired us to take out the Titans. He was … that was our first job out of school."

"… You are shitting me!"

"No, serious!

"Damn." Terra sank onto the grass.

Jinx, after a moment, folded her legs and faced her. "Did you know about that?"

"I knew the H.I.V.E. Five was a thorn in the Titans' side for a long time. But … wow. Slade? He was behind it, huh?" She shook her head slowly. "Wow. He musta really hated … wow."

"He was creepy. We only ever met him that once, and once was plenty. He'd look at you like you were a bug, like he was counting off the different ways he could kill you, just, like, you know, for practice or something. As a mental exercise." She gave a shudder. "I can sorta see how he'd be good at screwing with your head."

"And everything else."

"Ick."

"Yeah." Terra lay back and looked up through the leaves. "He'd hurt me. He hurt me a lot. But … the way he did it …"

"He made you think you deserved it. Right?"

"… Yeah."

"And the other Titans … they know all this?"

"… . . . … Yeah."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Shit, Terra, and here I thought I had it rough!" She saw a shimmer along the bottom of the blonde's eyelids, reached over and took her hand.

"I really hate this."

Jinx's concern was real. "Then let's stop."

She shook her head twice. "No. This is part of the therapy. I have to be able to talk about it. Not pretend it didn't happen." She took several deep breaths. Set herself. Centered. "Right. I b-betrayed them. All of them. Tri-tried to … ki-kill them. Damn it!" She took a few seconds to balance again. "After they took me in. Made me a fr-" swallow "… friend. Part of their fami-"

"Shhhh. Terra." She stretched out beside the blonde. "Look at me."

Eyes that matched the summer sky turned and met feline pink ones.

"People make mistakes. Okay? I sure as hell have. But now we both have people who believe in us, people who love us." She offered a gentle smile. "And we love 'em back. Right? I mean, you love BB, don't you?"

"Oh, God, yes! He's the best thing, the only truly good thing, that's ever happened in my life."

"That's the way I'm beginning to feel about … No, scratch that. Not 'beginning'. I've had it bad for that girl for better than a year."

Terra nibbled at her upper lip for a bit, wiped at her eyes, and sat back up. "You're right. You are so damn right."

"Being right all the time is just one of many fine services we offer." She sat up, too. "So how'd you, y'know, get away from the psycho?"

It was a good half minute before Terra said anything, but then, "I killed him."

"… Say what?"

Another sigh. "He made this suit thing." She was staring off into the middle distance. "Full body suit. Supposed to help me with control. What it did was give him control. He could literally take control of my body. Use my powers." She yanked a long blade of grass out of the ground with perhaps a bit more force than necessary. "We fought the … well, I fought the Titans. They kicked my butt. I went back to him … he … I just wanted … someone to care. But he hurt me some more." Focusing on Jinx again, she said, "He was gonna kill the Titans. Kill BB. I managed – and please, don't ask me how or what or anything, because I still don't know – I shook off his control. There's …" She patted the ground. "You know Jump City sits over a fault line, right?"

Jinx nodded.

"I tapped into it. That's why there's a small volcano northeast of the city now."

Sucking a quick breath, Jinx stuttered, "B-buh … whoa … whoa! You did that?"

"… Yeah."

The former thief couldn't come up with anything to say to that.

"It, ah … I kinda hit my limit as far as power's concerned. Slade fell into the volcano. But then I had to stop it, or it woulda demolished Jump."

"Where were the Titans?"

"Trying to help. 'specially BB. But I had to make 'em leave."

"Well, obviously you stopped the volcano."

Terra pulled her knees up and rested her head on them. "Yeah."

"… There's more though. Isn't there?"

"My power turned on me. Or something. Anyway, when everything settled down and the quakes stopped and they came looking for me … I was encased in rock. Or turned into rock. I've never really been sure which."

Jinx scooted over and wrapped the blonde in a hug. "I'm never gonna complain about my lot in life again."

"The Titans … really, even Nightwing, but 'specially Rae and Star … and Stone … have made me feel like a real part of the family."

"And BB."

She gave a jerky laugh. "Yeah. He saved my life."

"How'd you get …" She waved a hand at Terra's form. "… un-stoned?"

"Best I can figure, Raven did it when she kicked her ol' man's ass."

"Um …"

"Trigon was here. The Titans were the only ones on the whole planet who didn't get turned to stone when he broke through. They fought him, and Raven took his power, and … well, you know how that turned out."

"Right. She's Da Big Cheese now." A light dawned. "Wait! So when she killed him, it reversed all his magic and …"

"That's how we think it happened. I got de-petrified with everybody else."

"And then you went back to the Titans?"

"… Um … well, no. I sorta hid from 'em." She hung her head again. "Emphasis on 'sorta'. If I'd really been meaning to hide, I'd have left Jump. But I didn't. And BB found me. And I faked … well. Even then, I was still stupid. It took … took him …" She wiped furiously at her eyes for a minute.

Jinx scooted around behind her, wrapped her arms around the shorter girl, and leaned her chin on a shoulder. "Terra. Think about what you've got now."

"I do. Oh, I so do!" She leaned back against Jinx, eyes closed. "Every day. I can use the new experiences to chase away the old regrets."

"That's how most people do it, you know."

"I know. But most people don't have quite as much to have regrets about."

"Maybe. No, you're right. Still the same principle, though. Nobody likes to remember times when they were stupid. The mind tends to … I guess reject the memories that make us feel bad."

"Oh, if only."

"Hey. Where's that perky girl that wanted to take me to lunch, eh? We need to go find her. Maybe your motorcycle can help."

That pulled a watery chuckle out of the blonde. "Yeah, prob'ly. Worth a shot, don't ya think?"

"I do. Then you can find BB, and you two can have some quality time and get Raven all flustered and then I'll relieve her tension for her."

Terra's grin was real then. "Sounds like a plan." She jumped to her feet and raced Jinx back to the parking lot.

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End Note:

Looks like Jinx is on the way to some sort of integration with the group. We'll have to see where she goes with it next.

Reviews = Love!