A/N: I have a few more trigger warnings here. There will be some non-con, nothing graphic but still potentially triggering, so if you're not into that you can skip this chapter, I'll include a TL;DR at the bottom. -Hannah
Samuel
Sam stands outside Gabriel's bedroom, his breathing shallow and his hands shaking slightly. He presses his hands together to still the vibrations, trying to bring his heart rate down to a normal bpm. Loud rock music plays from within the room.
He inhales once. Exhales. Inhales. Exhales. He's got this. He can do this. People did this all the time, right? He was no different. He could do it too.
He brings his hand to the doorknob, ignoring his trembling hand, and pushes the door open.
Gabe is lying on his bed, reading a book whose title Sam couldn't quite read. He doesn't look up. It had been three days since their confrontation in the dorm, and he hasn't answered any of Sam's frantic texts.
Sam doesn't say a word, instead he kneels on the bed, straddling his boyfriend's midsection and putting his hands on either side of Gabe, forcing him to look at him. A small smile plays on Gabe's face, as if he knew he'd won.
"Hey Sam. Finally changed your-" Sam cuts him off with a deep kiss. He wanted this. Right?
Gabe kisses him back, deeper and more violent than any kiss has a right to be. Sam pauses to shakily take off his shirt, revealing a boyish frame with little muscle. Gabe looks up at him, panting. Sam can feel something hard pressing into his leg, and he feels like he's going to vomit. He pushes it down. He has to show Gabe he loves him.
Gabe rips off his shirt and starts working on Sam's pants, undoing them and slipping his hand into his boxers, making Sam jerk back and whimper a bit.
"Come on, Sammy, you started this. Finish it." Gabe growls. Sam flinches at the nickname his brother gave him coming from his boyfriend's mouth like that.
Sam closes his eyes as Gabe pulls off Sam's boxers, not wanting to see the look of lust on his boyfriend's face.
"God, Sam, I knew you were beautiful, but not like this. Damn."
Sam keeps his eyes screwed shut as Gabe removes his clothes and flips Sam onto his stomach roughly.
It hurt.
Oh God did it hurt.
He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block out the pain. Tears were streaming from Sam's eyes as he rocked with Gabe's thrusts. He hates himself for the physical reaction it causes, but he hopes it's enough to make Gabe sure that he loves him.
When he comes, it feels wonderful, but he was crying too hard to relish it.
Gabe crawls off him, flopping onto the bed, panting. Sam brings his knees up to his chest and lies in the fetal position for a while, tears streaming down his face. He felt so dirty, so used. His back was sticky and his groin muscles ached, and he felt on the verge of throwing up.
"That was great, Sammy." Gabe says, still breathing heavily. God, he wished he would stop calling him that!
Sam slowly sits up, his muscles aching and his head spinning. He puts his pants back on and slips his shirt over his head. He felt so vulnerable naked, it felt nice to be covered again.
"I'm going to take a shower." Sam says quietly, slowly standing up and walking out the door. Gabe didn't even notice.
TL;DR - Sam initiates sex with Gabe to "prove" he loved him, and it did not go well at all.
Dean
Day 253 Reconcile
Dean looks at the new page in his journal. He knew the most obvious candidate for this was his dad, but he knew he could probably never fix things with John.
"Hey beautiful," Cas says, sticking his head into the room. "What are you doing?"
Dean sighs and looks at Cas. "Just this stupid journal thing. Today's entry is to reconcile, but that seems kind of impossible since the only one who I really need to reconcile with is Dad."
Cas nodded. They had gone ahead and written all the entries, all the way up to day 300, and the entries in Dean's journal were the same as Cas's journal. It was easier and less confusing that way.
"Yeah. I originally wanted to reconcile with Luci, since he's a huge problem, but after what he did...I don't really care if we're ever on good terms."
"You never did tell me what Luci did to estrange himself," Dean comments.
"Oh, Dean, it's just...bad stuff. I promised Gabe I wouldn't tell anyone who doesn't absolutely need to know." Cas says apologetically. "It's not really my story to tell."
Dean nods, "Yeah okay, that's fine, don't worry about it. We got quite a few stories like that in the Winchester family."
Cas reaches over and takes Dean's hand. "I think you should do it."
Dean blinks in surprise. "What? After what he said to you, what he said to me, you want me to make peace with that bastard?!"
Cas holds his hands up in surrender. "Take it easy, Dean. A lot worse has happened to me, and you as well. Besides, he was clearly intoxicated and probably didn't know what he was saying."
The taller man scoffed, "Cas, drunkenness is one of Dad's core personality traits. He's said horrible things, done horrible things, drunk and sober."
"So?"
Cas surprises Dean again. He would have thought that being called a faggot and being threatened and beaten would weigh in on his decision a little more.
"What do you mean, 'so'?"
Cas inhales, looking into Dean's eyes. "I mean, so what if he's a horrible person? So what if he was abusive and caustic your entire childhood? So what if he's Satan incarnated? That's not your problem. You don't have to live with that. He does. He has to live with the fact that he was a shitty person and drove away both of his sons, probably forever. You can't hold a grudge like this, Dean. I get it, he was an abusive son of a bitch and I don't want him anywhere near you. But as long as you hate him, he has control. He's always had control over you, but now he doesn't. So stop letting him control you. Tell him you're done seething about his jackassery. Tell him you're finally free."
Dean is quiet for a moment, digesting this idea.
"I think that's pretty solid logic." He says at last. "I'll go down there tomorrow—no, tonight! You're right, Cas, I don't want to be controlled another minute."
"Do you want me to come with you?" Cas asks softly.
Dean nods, "Yeah. If you want to forgive him too, for what he called you and how he...hit you. I know you're not really up for a heart to heart with Luci."
Cas snorts, "Yeah, I'm not sure if what he did was ever forgivable. I'll let God take that one."
***
Ding-dong
Dean presses the old and cracked doorbell to his house-no, John's house. He would never have to live here again. His hands twitch in anticipation; he had no idea what could happen now.
The door opens and John is in the doorway. To Dean's surprise, his eyes are alert and his face is clean shaven. He smells like men's deodorant and clean clothes. The clothes were clean, actually. Fresh white T-shirt and pajama pants, casual but appropriate for a Sunday morning.
"Dean? What are you doing here?" John asks, his voice clear and without a slur. He looks over Dean's shoulder at Cas, who waves awkwardly. A grimace passses over his face like a shadow, but it's gone soon after it appears.
Dean is too shocked by his dad's normal appearance to answer quickly. "I, um, Dad, uh..." he stammers.
"Come on, son, get it out." John says, annoyed.
"I just...I came to tell you something." Dean says, finding his voice.
John leans against the doorframe, not inviting them in. "Alright. Shoot."
Dean had imagined a drunken mess coming to meet him, and his speech would probably make more sense in that context. Forgiving a deadbeat dad is easier when he looks the part.
He inhales, reciting what he had practiced in the car with Cas.
"Dad, I want you to know I forgive you." Dean says. John opens his mouth to reply, but Dean pushes on, willing his voice not to shake.
"I want you to know that even though you were abusive and demeaning and generally a shitty parent, I don't care anymore. I'm done holding that grudge, won't let that, or you, control me anymore.
"I've found a life that I enjoy. I've found someone who I love and loves me in turn. I'm happy now, and I don't want to live the rest of my gorgeous life with you hanging over me like a shadow. I forgive you, and although I want nothing more to do with you, I want you to know my conscience is clear and I have no regrets"
John looks taken aback, and Dean's heart is calm.
"I do too, Mr. Winchester." Cas pipes up. "I never had to live with you, and I'm glad about that, but I forgive you for hurting my boyfriend and insulting me."
His dad glances at Cas, a muscle twitching in his cheek, but looks back at Dean.
"I...Dean.." John tries to get a sentence out.
"It's okay Dad," Dean says. "You don't have to do the same. I have to go home. Call me if you'd like, but only if you do it out of love. Not the fucked-up type of love you gave me and Sam by beating us. The kind of love you felt before Mom died."
Dean turns to leave, taking Cas by the hand and holding him tight. He had never met anyone whose grip felt so right in the world.
Halfway to the car, John shouts out,
"Dean!"
Dean looks over his shoulder, surprised.
"I want you to know...never mind. You already know."
Dean smiled back. His dad had never said he loved him and his brother, but this was the closest he's come to saying it.
Cas pulls Dean's arm, directing him back to the Impala. The two got in and drove home.
Day 253 Reconcile