Surprise Double Down Update

6

Prompt: Request from guest It's 10 - Ed and Roy are taking a long-axx car ride or they're stuck in traffic and Ed REALLY needs to use the bathroom.

Warnings: See previous chapters. And also this one is CRACK. I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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Roy Mustang was using every ounce of control in his body to keep from banging his head on the steering wheel in front of him. I didn't know Amestris even had this many cars, he thought. He looked at the clock on the dashboard and groaned internally Seven o'clock?! I knew we should have left before the workday ended. I hope Riza's happy….

"Where are we? Are we close?" His backseat passenger asked, sounding bored.

He peeked in the rear view mirror and did his utter best to not roll his eyes or scream at the boy. Instead, he just tightened his grip on the wheel and grit his teeth together. He took a deep breath through his nose and answered, "No, Fullmetal. For the fifth time, we are not almost there. We are stuck in traffic, and we have been for the past hour." The last word had a bite to it as he started to lose his cool. "And if you ask me again, I'm going to make you walk back to Central and still make it to formation at eight tomorrow morning."

"Che! I was just wondering." Ed leaned up against the door and stared out the window like he was the only victim sitting in the car.

"That's what you said last time...and the time before that...and the time before that..." Roy's head quirked to the side, clearly irritated to the point of madness. He wasn't even sure of he was talking to Fullmetal, or if it was just his inner thoughts forcing their way out of his mouth in hopes that sanity would once again be found. "You know what, how about this? How about-and I know this is going to sound crazy but hear me out-how about you just sit there? And I'll let you know when we've arrived." Roy shrugged his shoulders and smiled manically. "How does that sound? Because I actually really like this idea. It involves you and being quiet. And i know it's very hard, apparently, for you too keep all that noise inside that tiny little body of yours," Edward was shouting some ridiculous non-comeback at him so Roy raised his voice, "but please, please, please just let us continue this drive in silence?"

Edward was out of breath from whatever rant he'd just unleashed, and for a few precious moments the only sounds were that of his panting and the occasional honking of a horn in the distance. Roy sighed, content with the relative quiet.

"Okay, but I just wanna know how far we are right now?"

Roy slapped one hand to his face and dragged it down, letting the appendage linger over his mouth. When he finally dropped the hand back to the wheel he let out a terse, "Why?! Why do need to know, Fullmetal?!" He didn't understand!

Ed dramatically throw his arms into the air. "I have to take a leak! Okay?! Geez! I just wanted to know how much longer I had to wait…" Ed huffed and crossed his arms across his chest before sinking down in the seat.

"Unbelievable." Roy felt a headache coming on and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "We're still two hours away. Can you hold it?"

". . ."

Roy looked back over his shoulder and raised a brow expectantly. "Fullmetal? I said, can you hold it?"

Ed blushed a furious shade of magenta. "No, I kinda have to go...now."

"Now? Why the hell didn't you say something before? You know what, no, better question, why didn't you go before we left?" Roy accused. He checked over his shoulder and bullied his way into the right lane. Not getting an answer he tried again. "Well?"

"I didn't have to go then," Ed explained with a frown. Obviously if he had to go, he would have gone. Idiot Colonel.

The vein in Roy's temple pulsed. "I told you it was a three hour drive, Edward. That means to take care of any business you may have to do so we don't have to stop." The frustration he felt in this moment was unlike any other frustration he'd come into contact with prior, and that included Hughes' regular onslaught of wifey pics and unwarranted marriage counselings. This was entirely different. Why did he even bother warning the younger male of he wasn't going to take the hint? Roy thought his hint was pretty obvious.

"I know, but I didn't have to go," Ed defended weakly.

"But you should have thought ahead." It was so basic. He sighed. "Can you at least wait until we see a rest stop or a diner or...something?" Roy scanned the road ahead of them. Of course in their time of need, he didn't see anything coming up.

"I don't think I can wait. It's an emergency now."

"What?! Edward! You have to tell me before it's an emergency! We could have stopped half an hour ago in Awrosut!"

"But I didn't know I had to go until now!"

"What are you? Three? How the hell did you not know until just right now?!"

"I just wasn't paying attention!"

"HOW DO YOU JUST NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THAT?! You've been alive for almost thirteen years, Ed! You should know what having to piss feels like!" Roy was practically tearing his hair out now.

"Urgh! Geez! I'm sorry! I couldn't help it. Can't you just pull over?!" Ed pleaded. "I have to go. NOW."

Roy glanced in the mirror and saw the desperation in those golden eyes. He really didn't want to pull over here. It was dangerous. But if he wanted a clean interior, he had no choice. "Dammit. Fine." He guided the car over to the shoulder and braked until they were at a halt. "Okay. Hurry up and go," Roy ordered. "And be careful."

"Yeah, okay. Don't leave without me, bastard." Ed hopped out of the car in a flurry and ran a few meters away.

Roy watched Ed futz around with the front of his pants then saw the tenseness of Ed's shoulders fade away. He really must've had to go. And now Roy wondered exactly how long Ed had been holding it.

Roy would have to force him to go before they made the return trip, even if the tween claimed he didn't have to. This was the last time he would be pulling over to the side like a damn country bumpkin. And clearly Edward did not know how his bladder worked. Next thing you know, he'll have to start putting mandatory bathroom breaks on the schedule at work...

The rear passenger door opened and slammed shut. "You good?" Roy asked. "You got rid of everything, right? Because we aren't stopping again," he warned.

Ed nodded and shoved the buckle into the receiver. "I'm good."

Roy nodded and pulled out back onto the road, then slowly matched the speed of those around him. Somehow, during the five minutes it had taken them to pull over, take care of business, and argue, the traffic had subsided somewhat, as had Roy's previous annoyance with the preteen and his idiocy.

"Hey, Colonel."

"What?"

"Can we stop and get something to eat? I'm hungry."

Roy felt the nerve in his temple pop back out again. His head tilted slightly to the side in a twitch and he asked a question he was pretty sure he already knew the answer to. "Why didn't you eat before we left?"

"I wasn't hungry."

"Of course you weren't." With a heavy sigh, Roy noted that Edward was incapable of thinking ahead. He wasn't sure if it was an Edward thing, or an all kids thing, but he'd have to start training that out of him. Still, he couldn't very well let the young alchemist starve. "We'll stop when we get to Goeb. Now just sit there and be quiet."

Again, silence overtook the car with the only notable sound being that of the car itself as it sped down the road. It had only been five minutes when the voice in the back piped up once again to torment Roy.

"Are we almost there?"

"Yes, Edward. We're almost there," he lied. This was going to be a long two hours….

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Guest It's 10: This was too funny not to write something for. Sorry it came as CRACK.

A/N: I did not take a lot of time for this. It came out as CRACK and my deal with CRACK is I just let that xhit flow. I apologize.

And I'm sorry to have to say this, but I do not think I will be taking any more requests through reviews. I have had a few requests that already match one of the near twenty prompts sitting in my queue. Prompts which are either for this story or are waiting to become a one-shot of their own. So please sit tight.

If you want to speak to me about a request you MUST have filled or you will literally (or figuratively) die. Please PM me via your account so I can at least talk to you about the possibilities or let you know I already have something planned.

I still urge you to write up your own ideas though. You are the only person who knows what you want to write and knows how you want it written. Please remember my "Screw it, I'm writing what I want to write" mentality. Passion is what drives people to do anything in life. If you are passionate about an idea, you will write it better than I will ever be able to. I promise you that.

Anywho, thank you for reading. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this Author's Note. That was not my intent.

Please leave a review! Even if you didn't enjoy, I want to know.

Elle, oh well...

O

Guest: Those are currently in my queue. The sugar rush one, I have already failed at numerous times….but if I ever end up figuring that out, I hope you enjoy. Otherwise, I will hope to enjoy reading it from you! ^^