Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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AND THEY CALLED IT 'FAILMUI'

Chapter 01: In which Kakashi develops a potty-mouth

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It was a sunny day and barely any clouds grazed across the blue sky—unfitting for the start of yet another school year, some might have argued, but it was overall undeniably peaceful.

Well, apart from the majestic Hogwarts Express making its way across the rail tracks.

The placid atmosphere was soon to be disrupted, however, as some kind of vortex formed high above the scenery. Out of it tumbled two young men, roughly in their late twenties and that, apart from their eyes, contrasted perfectly. Both of them looked tattered though, and while the one with a head full of radiant white hair managed to land relatively steady on top of the red roof—only to have the ground pulled from under him not a second later because of the trains speed—his companion smashed flat onto the shiny metal.

"Fuck me," groaned the first one painfully, clutching his aching ribs with one hand and clawing at the trains roof with the other.

"I'd rather not," retorted the second one dryly, seemingly unable to move at all.

As Hatake Kakashi heaved a mirthless laugh, Uchiha Obito slowly regained the feeling in his legs and Albus Dumbledore, several miles away, got a particular feeling—the feeling that this year was going to be different.

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Kakashi hated trains.

It was a fact he could admit with such an intensity that surprised even him—he hated them with every fibre of his being and didn't hesitate in the slightest to make it known to the world.

"I know Bakashi, calm down," cried his companion against the cutting winds that whipped around their heads.

Kakashi looked back at him—chakra-taped to the roof of the gigantic, red monster as if he did things like that every other day—and shot him a dry look. "Oh fuck off, Obito. How did we get into this situation in first place? Oh right, because you just had to use the Mangekyou Sharingfuck for the grand finale, didn't you?"

"Hey!" cried the former head of a terrorist group—and how fucked up was that thought?—indignantly and chakra-taped his left hand a little bit forward to crawl slowly but steadily in Kakashi's direction. "I didn't ask for this either, alright?! I thought that I would be in Infinite Tsukuyomi heaven by now, not on top of a death machine!"

"Oh, boohoo, Obito; boo-fucking-hoo!"

"Would you stop swearing already", you obnoxious fucking asshole, Obito wanted to shout; but he didn't like hypocrisy very much, so he left it at that.

"No, I will not—I need a way to deal with all this shit currently happening around me and until I've found something better, it is in my goddamn right to swear my bloody throat out if I fucking feel like it!"

To be honest, Kakashi wasn't all that mad at Obito—he just needed some kind of vent and the black-haired man, whom he could thank for being in this position anyway, was practically perfect for that job.

They were now both on the same height—thanks to much crawling on Obito's side—and while the Uchiha used the strength he had left to sit up and look around without falling off and plunging into his death, Kakashi was content to just lie there and do nothing while he let the wind play with his hair.

One would surely want to know 'How did two Elite Shinobi get into this kind of situation?' and the answer was surprisingly simple. 'Desperate use of a new form of Kamui without knowing what it does by Uchiha Obito to avoid being impaled by the one and only Raikiri and depleting almost all chakra-reserves in the process gg well played.'

Who in their right mind did that?

And screw his earlier thought—looking back, Kakashi was mad at Obito for bringing them onto a train to hell, for being alive, for leading the goddamn Akatsuki all these years and—

"Fuck!"

"Hypocrite," Kakashi shot back without missing a beat.

"No, no; I'm sure even the purest newborns would swear in a situation like this—"

"I doubt that."

"—and would you just look already?!"

Kakashi slowly got up onto his elbows and looked in the direction Obito's shocked—and a bit panicky, even though the Uchiha would never admit that because he was a calm individual, thankyouverymuch—gaze was pointing at; the direction the train was going.

After that, he really couldn't argue with Obito's reaction anymore, "Fuck."

Because there was a tunnel—god, why did it have to be a tunnel—and it didn't look big enough to fit the train, let alone them on top of said train.

"Okay," Kakashi said and if Obito had paid any kind of attention to him and not the oncoming doom, he would have noticed his oddly dreamy tone. "You're right. Even the purest virgins would cuss at a time like this and all the newborns would beg to crawl back into their mom's—"

"Get it together and take my hand!" Obito shouted, a plan forming steadily in his head.

"Oh, did you mean your hand or the white zombie-plant-glibber half of your body consists of?"

"Now is not the time to be a total dick about anything and everything on the planet—just grab it!"

"Oh, did you mean our planet or this one?"

"Bakashi, I swear—"

The whistling of the train unfortunately droned out everything else and according to Obito's wild gestures it would have been quite the scolding, too. Shame.

Knowing that he was going to go 'Splat' if he didn't do anything soon, Kakashi shifted his tired body a little bit forward and reached out with an unsteady arm. His wrist was immediately encircled by Obito's hand—the real one, not the zombie-glibber—and Kakashi closed his eyes, too tired to be suspicious of his friend-turned-enemy anymore.

Soundlessly, the Mangekyou flared up; drawing both men into a strange vortex which let them glide through the obnoxiously red roof just in time to avoid being crushed—an experience Obito didn't want to make again, to be quite honest.

When they both finally crashed to the ground inside a compartment full of screeching Hufflepuff girls, Obito didn't even feel the impact anymore as he had joined Kakashi in blissful unconsciousness.

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a/n: Thanks for reading. I apologize for any mistakes; with this story I hope to improve my English as it isn't my first language. The next chapter is hopefully going to be longer. That's all.