Cormier's first memory was warmth. Fluidity. A welcoming embrace that glided over its skin like liquid silk. It was safety. Comfort. Home. Cormier elongated, stretched, floated in a pool of murky white, twisting and turning, savoring this first taste of freedom. Of being.

Cormier's next memory was electricity. The thrum of energy. The liquid spark of life coursing through the waters. Of thoughts not her own, invigorating in their power.

Eventually, Cormier came to realize it wasn't alone. When another brushed against its side, Cormier's entire body vibrated, blood buzzing from the contact. The connection. A name materialized in Cormier's mind, whispered through the chambers of its heart.

Niehaus.

The new presence never left Cormier. A constant. A forever. Cormier felt it. Again and again.

They were solid. Inseparable. Happy.

Until Niehaus was gone.

All Cormier knew at that point was emptiness. A hollow cold that left it immobile.

It was followed by pain like no other. Cormier writhed in agony as it was lifted from all it had ever known and placed on something hard and foreign where everything hurt and nothing made sense. It felt like a new eternity. Harsh. Unyielding.

Until that was gone too.

And a change began.

A sudden, jolting shift in which Cormier's memories were no longer its own, but ones shared with another.

Flickering.

Hazy.

Visions of gold and blue falling from the stars, of laughter and smiles. Cool fingers intertwining with their own and a warmth it had thought long gone blossoming from deep within.

Lexa cracked open her eyes, vision slowly coming into focus in the dim light of her hospital room. When she realized where she was, her hands immediately reached for her abdomen and she winces at the soreness she found there.

"Careful," a gentle voice approached from Lexa's right.

Lexa relaxed when she recognized the woman who emerged from the shadows, a tricorder held between her hands, dark blonde hair pulled back into a loose ponytail.

"Dr. Griffin," Lexa acknowledged the older woman she had known for nearly her entire life. "Did everything…?"

"Everything went well," Dr. Abby Griffin said, pulling out a scanner and running it up and down the length of Lexa's body, nodding in satisfaction at the results. "You might be sore for a little while, but the joining was a complete success. How do you feel?"

"I…" Lexa trailed off, not knowing how to describe how she felt. She had dreamed of this moment for as long as she could remember. And she had thought, with her goal attained, that she would have had some sort of miraculous epiphany or that all the pieces would fall into place. That she would have felt something. Anything.

But the truth was, she didn't feel all that different now that she was joined; now that she was no longer Alexandria Komtrikru, but Alexandria Cormier, host to one of Trillius Prime's first new symbionts in more than four generations.

If anything, she felt nothing but a strange sort of melancholy that weighed heavily inside her chest. Like she had lost something, but couldn't remember what.

"I don't know," Lexa finally answered, unsure. She wondering if she had gotten a defective symbiont, or if she perhaps was the defective one.

Abby must have sensed her distress and she reached out and gently squeezed Lexa's hand.

"That's okay," she said. "It'll take more than one night to get used to everything." Abby reached into her pocket to retrieve a hypospray. "This will help you relax," she said, pressing it to Lexa's shoulder. The medicine passed through her skin with a hiss.

"And Cl…." Lexa cleared her throat, heat prickling across her cheeks. "Everyone else?"

Abby's brown eyes softened, the corners of her lips curling upward in a small smile. "Clarke's just fine," she answered. "And so are the rest of the hundred."

Nodding, Lexa felt tension seep from her bones, whether it was from Abby's news or the narcotics, she wasn't sure. But within minutes, the pull of sleep was too strong to ignore and she succumbed to its warm embrace, her dreams filled with water and white and currents of energy.

Lexa sensed her before she even saw her. Felt the charge in the air just outside her quarters before she was turned and pulled into a hug.

"Finally," Clarke whispered into her hair, tightening her arms around Lexa's shoulders. "I thought you'd never get out."

Hands sliding across Clarke's waist, Lexa instinctively melted into the embrace and swore she could feel Cormier jolt in response. She inhaled Clarke's familiar scent, which always reminded Lexa of wildflowers on a summer breeze, as light as the sky. Calming and sweet.

"When were you released?" Lexa asked as she loosened her grip on her best friend and pulled away slightly, hands resting on the small of Clarke's back as she examined her. Clarke looked calm and well-rested. Her wavy blonde hair fell loose past her shoulders, partially obscuring the pattern of spots on the edges of her face.

"A few days ago. I was starting to worry you and Cormier weren't getting along." Clarke said it lightly, fingers resting on Lexa's upper arms, but Lexa saw the concern in the deep blue of her gaze. Symbiont rejection had been a major concern for the project, and was now the reason they would all be subject to observation over the next month.

"I thought you knew by now never to doubt me, Clarke."

"It was never you I doubted," Clarke said with a soft smile, reaching up to trace the spots on the sides of Lexa's forehead, skimming the pads of her fingertips along her cheeks, behind her jaw and down her neck. It was a habit Clarke had started when they were children, whenever she worried about Lexa.

"And you?" Lexa asked, suppressing a shiver at Clarke's touch and hoping her voice remained steady despite the way her heart-hearts?-lurched. "How are you adjusting with Niehaus?"

Lexa's stomach dipped curiously as the symbiont's name rolled off her tongue.

"I feel… calmer, I suppose." Clarke shrugged. "More at peace, maybe." She shook her head. "It's hard to describe, you know?"

"Yeah," Lexa agreed though calm wasn't exactly the word she would use to describe herself in that instant, not with the way Clarke smoothed her thumbs against her racing pulse and looked at her with the serenity of the ocean, untold secrets hidden in the depths beneath its surface.

Lexa thought it would become easier after being joined with Cormier. That the feelings she had for Clarke Griffin would somehow lessen to manageable levels now that she was Clarke Niehaus. But they intensified instead, to the point where Lexa could think of nothing but Clarke, and the longing that burned in her chest when they were apart could be alleviated only when Clarke was by her side.

It didn't help that Clarke had become even more physically affectionate than normal since the joining, finding random moments to touch Lexa, holding her hand when she could, brushing against her when she walked past, laying her head on Lexa's shoulder as they read books or listened to 21st century Terran music (Clarke's favorite, for whatever reason) or watched a program on holovision.

Although Lexa knew she shouldn't torture herself by indulging Clarke, she couldn't resist. She was weak for Clarke. Always had been and, Lexa suspected, always would be.

And so she found herself unable to say no when Clarke suggested that they transport over to their old neighborhood. They spent the day reminiscing, walking through the streets where they playfully waged war with the other children, chuckling when they passed a playground where Lexa had once fought a "duel" with Wells Jaha, Bellamy Blake, and Roan Azgeda for the hand of Clarke, the fair "sky princess." And after a long, drawn-out fight "to the death," said sky princess had stopped the battle, unequivocally stated that she was no prize to be won, but nonetheless declared Lexa the winner.

Lexa had fallen to one knee and pledged her fealty to Clarke. And then Clarke had kissed her. Nothing more than a chaste peck on Lexa's cheek. But it had warmed Lexa straight down to her toes with a fluttery feeling that hadn't left her for days.

That same feeling was now back, more intense than ever, what with the way Clarke threaded their arms together and laughed, bright and clear, at the memories.

After lunch, they made their way to their favorite hill where they lay underneath an ancient tree-their tree-the one they had marked as their own so many years ago, carving their names into its gnarly and exposed roots. Lexa rested the back of her head on Clarke's outstretched legs. A gentle breeze ruffled the branches overhead and the sun's rays rippled down through the leaves, casting flickering impressions of light and shade behind Lexa's closed eyes. The calm nearly lulled her to sleep.

"Do you ever stop and wonder, why us?" Clarke's question was soft and husky. Her fingers absently threaded through Lexa's long brown hair.

"About?" Lexa didn't bother opening her eyes, too caught up in the feel of Clarke braiding her hair like she did when they were younger.

"Why we were selected for joining."

Lexa subconsciously moved her hand to her abdomen, where she felt a flutter as Cormier seemed to roll in annoyance at the conversation interrupting their nap. "It's a little late to be asking that now, don't you think?"

Clarke playfully tugged on one of Lexa's braids. "You've really never wondered?"

Lexa managed to stifle a sigh. "They chose us, Clarke, because one day you're going to be the finest doctor in the galaxy and I'm going to be commander-in-chief of the Federation."

"Wow," Clarke said, her tone infused with mocking amusement. "Don't aim too low now."

Lexa opened her eyes and looked at an upside down Clarke, who smiled down at her. "Are you doubting me again?"

"Never," Clarke said, eyes shimmering with affection. "But seriously. There are so many qualified candidates. Why is one person chosen over another? Why does someone like Finn, who really has nothing going for him but good looks and a father in the Senate, get selected over someone like Monty, who's brilliant?"

Lines creased Lexa's forehead as something twinged in her chest. "You think Finn is good looking?"

"Focus." Clarke swatted the top of Lexa's head. "All I'm saying is, if the Symbiosis Commission really is using objective criteria, then how do you explain them picking Finn over Monty?"

Frowning, Lexa sat up so she could face Clarke properly. "Where's all this coming from?"

Clarke shook her head and looked down, picking at the grass. "I don't know. What if they made a mistake?"

"They?" Lexa asked, reaching out to still Clarke's hands. "Or you?"

Clarke's gaze snapped up but she said nothing. Lexa knew that Clarke had been reluctant about applying to become a host initiate, doing so mainly at Abby's insistence. But perhaps Lexa had been too focused on her own goals to realize the extent of Clarke's hesitance.

"I know change can be unsettling." Lexa caressed the cool, smooth skin between ridges of Clarke's knuckles. "But you were born for this, Clarke. Same as me."

Clarke stared at her for a long moment, eyes reminding Lexa of the dark blue of the ocean before a storm. "You really believe that, don't you?"

Lexa nodded and squeezed Clarke's fingers, watching a shadow crossing the blonde's features.

"But what if we were born for something else?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know," Clarke huffed and looked up into the branches, as if they held the answered she needed between the whispers of the rustling leaves. "Everyone expects greatness from us. But what if we were meant to just… go somewhere else?"

"Where?"

"Wherever we want." Clarke trained her gaze back on Lexa. "I could be an artist and you could teach."

Lexa laughed. "Me? Teach?"

"Why not?" Clarke shrugged up one shoulder, smiling. "You love kids. We could raise a farm of tribbles for all I care."

"Tribbles. Really Clarke?"

Clarke's smile faded slightly. "We could just be… happy."

Lexa frowned. "Are you unhappy?"

"I'm not, not happy," Clarke tried, unconvincingly "But a life of no expectations? No responsibilities to anyone but ourselves. That doesn't appeal to you at all?"

Lexa fought hard to swallow against the sudden constriction in her throat. She would be lying to herself and Clarke if she said that she'd never considered it, that the thought of running away with Clarke wasn't appealing. In a few they would be separated for the first time since they were seven-Clarke to medical school, Lexa to law school-and Lexa had hoped beyond hope that Cormier would somehow make it all less difficult. That the symbiont would help her cope with the absence of the one person Lexa loved above all else.

But her heart throbbed painfully in her chest her stomach twisted-as if Cormier too was just as upset-and she had to turn her head from Clarke's hesitant expression. Lexa shifted so that she was sitting against the tree next to Clarke, its bark pressing uncomfortably against her shoulder blades and the back of her head. She didn't let go of Clarke's hand.

"It does," Lexa managed to say eventually. "Your mom would kill us though."

Clarke chuckled. "Probably," she said. "But it'd be worth it." She intertwined their fingers and laid their hands on her lap. Clarke's palm was cool, like it always was (a peculiarity of the Trill), but it warmed Lexa nonetheless.

"It's a lovely dream," Lexa quietly admitted, canting her head to the side to look Clarke in the eye. "But it's just that. A dream. You and I both know we were meant for more, Clarke. For our symbionts. For our people."

Clarke let out a long, slow breath, a sad smile forming on her lips as she lay her head on Lexa's shoulder, and Lexa couldn't help but feel she chose the wrong answer.

It was dark by the time they transported back to the Commission's dormitories and Lexa walked Clarke to her quarters. The halls were empty-the other newly joined trill no doubt out enjoying their last days of freedom before their responsibilities set in.

"Will you be going to the reception?" Clarke asked as they reached her door.

"Not like we can skip it," Lexa commented. As newly joined Trill, they were all expected to make an appearance at the Commission's closing gala, after a final week of medical tests, psyche evals and exit interviews.

Nodding, Clarke began walking toward her door, but paused, breathed in deeply and turned back.

"Lexa?"

"Yes."

"If I told you…" Clarke licked her lips. "If I told you I loved you…"

Lexa froze in place, heart stopping mid-beat, lungs petrified.

"That I'm in love with you," Clarke continued. "Would that change anything? About the dream." Her eyes were too blue, too hopeful.

Change anything? Lexa wanted to say, her synapses short-circuiting, leaving her with an inability to formulate coherent words. It would change everything.

But she didn't.

Instead, she forced herself to inhale. Exhale. She looked Clarke straight in the eyes, let her head take control of her stuttering heart, and said:

"No."

Clarke's face didn't fall, though Lexa could see the waver in blue, the nearly imperceptible quiver of her lips.

"We're joined now," Lexa said, repeating the lessons repeatedly hammered down by the Commission even as she began to doubt them. "We must rise above such things. Recognize love for what it is."

"What?"

"Weakness."

Clarke stared at her, a thick silence falling between them.

"You don't believe that." She shook her head. "That's not you, Lexa."

"But it is." Lexa shook her head. "You want to believe it's Cormier. But it's not." If anything Cormier was extremely fond of both Clarke and Niehaus, judging by the way Lexa's stomach flipped, more so than usual, whenever they met. And the symbiont was now expressing its displeasure with Lexa's decision by pitching and rolling and burning what felt like a hole in her abdomen.

"We are what we are now, Clarke. You know that." Lexa stepped forward against her own will, but Clarke raised a hand to stop her.

"Don't." Clarke straightened herself to full height, chin held high as she turned away.

Lexa could only watch silently as Clarke disappeared into her quarters without another word, the hurt in Clarke's eyes like a punch in the gut, leaving Lexa nearly doubled over the moment she was alone. She wondered how doing what she thought was right nevertheless felt like the biggest mistake of her first life.

"Looks like you and Cormier have mostly clean bills of health, Lexa," Abby said, her fingers typing away on a data padd.

"Mostly?" Lexa frowned from where she sat on the exam table.

"You're showing lower than normal levels of norepinephrine and serotonin in comparison to your previous results." Abby looked up. "You know the Symbiosis Commission will want to ensure that the change isn't a negative reaction to the joining. Anything I should know about?"

Lexa immediately thought of Clarke and the pain on the blonde's face when she last saw her one week ago. She hadn't heard from Clarke since. Cormier rumbled in her gut and Lexa clenched her jaw.

"It's nothing," she insisted.

"Are you sure?" Abby raised an eyebrow. "Nothing's happened with, I don't know, Clarke?"

Lexa stilled, heat rising up the back of her neck, but she didn't dare answer.

"Because I don't think I've seen my daughter this mopey since that time you fought about that class election more than a decade ago," Abby observed. "Do you remember?"

Lexa cracked a sad smile at the memory. "How could I forget? She thought I betrayed her because I voted for Anya instead of her. I think she spit in my milk."

"Oh she did," Abby chuckled. "Told me all about it. Gleefully even."

Lexa allowed herself a small laugh. "I'll bet. But I swear I thought I was doing what was best for the class. Clarke didn't talk to me for-"

"Three months," Abby finished. "Believe me, those were three of the longest months of my life. And over the past few days, I started to get what the humans call deja vu. So, I'll ask you again, is there anything I should know?"

"Are you asking as my doctor or Clarke's mom?"

"Right now? I'm asking as your friend," Abby said, leaning a hip against the examination bed. "I've known you nearly all your life, Lexa. You're like a daughter to me. If there's anything I can do to help…"

Lexa shook her head and looked down at where her hands rested on her lap, concentrating on keeping the steadily rising tide of her emotions from swelling too high.

"It's… complicated," she eventually said, lamely, and glanced back up at Abby. "Did Clarke say something?"

Abby canted her head to her side. "Do you really think Clarke would tell me anything?"

"Point taken," Lexa conceded. "It's really nothing important," she lied.

"If you say so," Abby straightened back up, looking thoroughly unconvinced. "I'll send your final health report to the Symbiosis Commission. They'll be in touch if they have any questions." She reached out and squeezed Lexa's shoulder. "And congratulations again. You and Cormier will make Trill proud."

Lexa nodded gratefully and Abby made her way to the exit. She had just stepped through the sliding doors when Lexa surprised herself by calling out:

"Abby?"

"Yes?" Abby asked, turning back to face Lexa.

"When you were with Jake, weren't you worried when he was joined?"

"Worried how? Do you mean, was I afraid the Taynam symbiont would change him?"

"No, not like that." Lexa shook her head, lowering her voice. "More like, how could you go on if you lost him, knowing that a part of him would live on but… but not be yours."

Abby's confusion morphed into understanding. "I was never worried about that, because I knew a part of him would live on through Taynam. And through Taynam our love would continue." Abby rolled her eyes at herself. "I know that sounds incredibly sappy, but it's the truth. Does that make sense?"

"It does."

"But?"

Lexa's throat tightened, a confession just waiting to spill out.

Death is not the end. That's what we were taught. But what if I can't stand to be away from her? What if I need her too much? What if we break the rules of reassociation and condemn Cormier and Niehaus to premature deaths? What if…

She clenched her eyes shut. "But nothing."

"Hey."

Lexa opened her stinging eyes when she felt gentle hands gripping her arms. Abby smiled at her and the way her eyes crinkled in the corners reminded Lexa so much of Clarke that her chest began to ache.

"I have no answers for you, Lexa," Abby said. "But if there are any, I think we both know who can help you find them."

Lexa could only nod, grateful for Abby's help. Abby rubbed her arms in a soothing gesture before quietly leaving the exam room so Lexa could change out of her medical gown and back into her clothes. She was so lost in a swirl of thoughts about Clarke that she barely noticed the blonde before they nearly collided with each other in the hall.

"Clarke," Lexa breathed out, her heart leaping in her chest and Cormier flipping in response. And there it was again—the serenity that settled over her whenever Clarke was near, easing the tension in her muscles, alleviating the ache that had lodged between her ribs. It was all so clear and Lexa nearly laughed at her own foolishness.

"Lexa," Clarke blinked away her own surprise, her voice flat, then continued to brush past her. "Excuse me."

"Clarke wait." Lexa reached out and grasped Clarke's wrist. "We need to talk."

"I'm late for my appointment." Avoiding Lexa's gaze, Clarke tried to pull away, but Lexa held on.

"Please."

Clarke hesitated, meeting Lexa's eyes briefly before looking away and tilting her head forward in the barest of nods. "Later."

Later was better than nothing, and she released her hold on Clarke. Lexa remained firmly rooted to the spot as she watched Clarke proceed back to the examination rooms. And even though Clarke didn't once glance back, a quiet resolve began forming within Lexa, a calm dispersing the storm of her lingering fears and doubts.

They didn't talk.

Clarke was nothing if not stubborn, and the blonde continued to avoid Lexa. She didn't answer her communicator. She was never in her quarters. The longer Clarke wouldn't speak to her, the more frustrated Lexa grew.

Even Cormier seemed upset with Lexa. And the regret coursing through her made her feel sick, made her even more desperate to find Clarke and confess everything. How she'd been smitten with Clarke ever since that first day Clarke's family relocated to Trillius Prime from Earth. How, after Clarke had come over to introduce herself and invite Lexa to play with some face paint, smearing a black mask around Lexa's eyes and laughing because it reminded Clarke of an Earth animal called a "raccoon," Lexa had been hopelessly and irrevocably in love with her. How, after that moment, Lexa knew she would follow Clarke to all the way to the end of the universe and back.

And so, it was with a swollen heart that Lexa arrived at the Symbiosis Commission's reception. Dressed in a black velvet gown, Lexa walked around the dimly lit ballroom, searching for Clarke, politely excusing herself from conversations with the other initiates. Frustration rising, she was about ready to check Clarke's quarters when she spotted Abby, who not so subtly nodded in the direction of the dance floor. Turning in the direction of Abby's prompt, Lexa finally-finally-saw her.

Clarke was draped in a floor-length sheath dress that shimmered in silver, swaying in the arms of someone else. Finn Collins, of all people.

Stomach churning, Lexa watched as Finn tightened his grip on Clarke, who grinned up at him. An irrational, cold rage burned in Lexa's chest, overriding the modicum of self-control she had left after being ignored by Clarke for days on end. She stalked toward the couple and unceremoniously tapped on Finn's shoulder, probably much harder than necessary.

Finn raised one eyebrow at her while Clarke's eyes momentarily widened in surprise before her features morphed into a neutral mask.

"Apologies," Lexa said to Finn though she wasn't sorry in the slightest. "But could you excuse us for a moment?"

"Lexa, now's not…" Clarke started.

But Lexa took her by the hand and led Clarke away before she could even finish the sentence, bringing them out onto a secluded balcony. The night was warm, slightly muggy, the humidity sticking to their skin.

"Lexa, what the hell?" Clarke seethed, yanking her hand from Lexa's grip, eyes flashing dangerously in the moonlight. "Have you lost your…"

She cupped Clarke's face and silenced the rest of her protest with her lips. Lexa put everything into the kiss, all her love, all her desperation, hoping to make up for her earlier cowardice. She felt Clarke tense in shock before she returned the kiss with equal fervor, curling her fingers around the nape of Lexa's neck and pulling her close.

Clarke's lips were so soft and Lexa felt dizzy, blood pounding in her veins, unable to comprehend that what she had dreamed about for years, what she had ached for, was actually happening. Clarke pulled away after a small eternity, shallow breaths mingling with Lexa's, pupils blown wide as she searched Lexa's face for answers.

"Clarke." Lexa's own voice was foreign to her ears. It sounded weak. Needy. She had so much she wanted to say: how she was sorry, how she loved Clarke beyond all sense. Beyond all reason. How they could make it work. Somehow. Some way. But words were failing her, dissipating from her grasp. She was at Clarke's mercy, her heart offered on full display, vulnerable and yearning. "I'm so-"

"Shh," Clarke silenced Lexa with her fingertips, gaze softening. "I never should have doubted you."

She trailed her fingers up to Lexa's forehead and traced the patterns on Lexa's face in a familiar dance before a smile slowly formed on her face, a smile she tenderly pressed against Lexa's lips in warm acceptance and the vow of a new beginning, the start of a new life, together.

A/N: This is an early birthday present for OTP324B21! Chapter 1 is Clexa, Chapter 2 is Root x Shaw, Chapter 3 is Cophine. Hope you enjoy it!