"Don't move too much, honey, or it'll hurt worse," the school nurse admonished.

Kuroko could only moan in reply. His stomach hurt too much to form coherent words, which was probably his fault.

And that is how he found himself clutching his stomach in the clinic after taste-testing an experimental food sample from the cooking club. They didn't tell him that it would react badly with the vanilla milkshake that he drank only moments before that.

Through the hazy feeling of being trampled over by rabid hyenas, Kuroko wondered if he should also let his head be checked by the school nurse. After all, why would he subject himself to this torture willingly because of such a feeble excuse as boredom?

Oh right, because he wanted to be spared the humiliation of having to be clubless in an institution full of them, so to speak.

The nurse clicked her tongue at him. "That's a really bad case of stomach pain, honey. The medicine I gave you should have already kicked in by now, and I gave you twice the preferred amount of dosage. Did you drink acid or something?"

'With this amount of pain, it might as well be,' Kuroko thought rather put-out.

The nurse (now that Kuroko thought about it, he never did know her name) hummed. "Well honey, you just need to lie in bed for some more minutes and you'll be good to go. Just call me if you need anything," the matronly woman smiled then walked away to her desk at the front.

Kuroko sighed, 'How did I get into this mess again? Ah, right, the cooking club'

Kuroko sipped his vanilla milkshake clean then threw the empty cup into a nearby trash can. He smiled in contentment. 'I really could get used to this'

"Come one, come all and taste the start of the umami revolution!"

Kuroko stared at the senior wearing an apron while presenting a table full of trays of what he surmised was food. Next to him was easel with a complementary advertisement for the cooking club upon it. It read:

"The Teiko Middle School Cooking Club humbly presents

the Umami Revolution

where our talented culinary students

revolutionized today's substandard food of all kinds

into something more worthy for the taste buds

of our generation.

So come and join the beginning

of the new era of FOOD!"

Underneath were two more paragraphs written in such small fine print that Kuroko did not bother reading them.

"You!" the (possibly crazed) senior exclaimed upon catching Kuroko's eye. "You surely must taste the products of the cooking club's genius!"

As if by magic, he teleported by Kuroko's side then dragged him to the table. Kuroko eyed the so-called food while the senior handed him a clipboard survey and the club's business card.

'Genius is debatable,' he thought while staring at the neatly lined lumps of somethings. Some look like meatballs, albeit misshapen. Others were in cute octopus shapes like what he sometimes see in Momoi-san's bentos (assuming, of course, that it was her mother that prepared it and not her. He wouldn't even wish upon his worst enemy to be force-fed her cooking. He was not that cruel.). He took a whiff of the admittedly delicious smell that they were emitting. He then looked at the hopeful senior by his side who was practically giving him puppy dog eyes.

'Huh,' Kuroko thought nonplussed, 'I might as well.' He rated the samples by appearance then signed at the name and signature part at the bottom. Afterwards, he reached for a "meatball". 'Well here goes nothing.'

Kuroko took one of the "meatballs" then popped it into his mouth. Then, he chewed slowly, all the while marveling at the savory taste of the food. It might have shown on his face, seeing as the student grinned at him. He swallowed.

"How was it?" he asked eagerly, almost bouncing on his feet.

"It's actually good," Kuroko said a bit surprised seeing as no other students have come near to try them. He gave the taste portion of the survey a 4 then said as much to the senior.

"Oh that?" he shrugged, "Well it might have something to do with the case of food poisoning this morning, but details," he said, waving his hand as if the matter was something inconsequential.

"What?!" Kuroko exclaimed, almost choking on his second helping of poison, which he was forced to swallow in his surprise.

The senior shrugged again, "Hey, it's only a one-time thing. All the others only experienced mild discomfort to full-blown diarrhea. We have a disclaimer by the way," he said then pointed to the ad Kuroko read earlier.

"I don't see any — oh"

And that was when Kuroko remembered the fine print. He zeroed in the words on the ad and read.

"We remind everyone that all that have consumed our samples have done so at their own risk and with the knowledge that they have been created without professional supervision. With that in mind:

DISCLAIMER: Any and all possible unfortunate outcomes caused directly and/or indirectly by our products will not be the responsibility of the club and school management. None of the staff and students of this establishment will fund any and all possible medical procedure that might be warranted due to consumption of a product of unknown origins. Thank you! "

As you can surmise, Kuroko was not feeling comforted by the disclaimer. On another hand, he had to applaud their sneakiness, despite the possibility of him being Food-Poisoning Victim no. 2. Knowing his luck, he might be another case altogether.

'Well,' Kuroko thought a bit crazed as well, 'I should go to the nurse's office while I still can.' He quickly scribbled a comment in the comments section then promptly put the clipboard on the table then dashed away from the surprised senior.

"If you can find some willing testers, bring them here alright?!" he hollered after Kuroko, not really sure if he was heard. Hot damn, that kid was fast.

The senior grinned, not even bothered in the slightest that he might as well poisoned a fellow student. 'At least the kid might go the nurse while he still can. Either way, he reacted better than the others.' He whistled a tune while starting to get ready for his next victim - ah - taste tester. He smoothed down his apron when he remembered the kid's survey form. He reached for the abandoned clipboard on the table then read the comments section in curiosity.

"The samples were delicious, but I think you guys went overboard on the spices. By the way, please do tell your cook that you simply do not add soymilk and vinegar unless you really do want to induce food poisoning in your testers. Otherwise, good job [in creating bite-sized pain]*."

The last five words were crossed out but still very much readable. He wondered whether the kid was sincere or sarcastic, given the last statement. In the end, he decided that it didn't matter. What did, though, was hunting another tester. He grinned.

"Come one, come all!"

In hindsight, Kuroko really should have read the disclaimer before signing the survey. For all he knew, he could have ended up promising his first born son to a syndicate dedicated to bringing pain to unsuspecting individuals under the guise of a school organization. But really, what were they thinking?!

'At least I got here in time.' He thought, eying the nurse who smiled at him.

All things considered, he was lucky that he only ended up with a stomach ache, and that was only because the "meatballs" (he adamantly tried not to think about what he ate, especially now that he managed to identify two of the ingredients. He shuddered to think about what else they might have put in them) reacted badly with the milk in his drink. One rule of chemistry: acid + acid = ouch.

The only good thing he can think was that he didn't die. Kuroko imagined his [almost] death certificate.

Name: Kuroko Tetsuya

Date of birth: January 31, 20-

Date of death: July 2, 20-

Cause of death: Irreversible brain and stomach damage due to ingestion of unknown substances

The image of his could-have-been tombstone invaded his mind.

Kuroko Tetsuya

Loving son and friend

May no more meatball harass you

Kuroko snorted. Nope and yada. He'd rather not experience death by meatball, especially if said meatball contained vinegar and soymilk. No, just no.

"Kuroko-kun?"

Kuroko jumped a bit, startled out of his musings. He saw the nurse (he really need to know her name) smiled kindly at him.

"Kuroko-kun, you may go now. Just rest a bit at home and don't eat anything that you doubt the edibility of, even if only a bit. Follow that and you'd be fine," the nurse said.

Kuroko smiled at her and stood up from the bed. He bowed, "Thank you for watching over me, sensei."

"It's alright, Kuroko-kun. That's what I'm paid for anyway," she winked at him, "You're all clear now, honey, so shoo," she said in faux sternness complete with her hands on her hips.

Kuroko only grinned in reply. He was almost out the room when the nurse called after him.

"Oh, and Kuroko-kun?" She called, back facing him as she arranged the medicine cabinet, "My name is Miyano Akemi by the way, though I'd prefer Akemi-sensei."

Kuroko only stared at her slack-jawed before shaking his head in amusement. "I'll try to remember that, Akemi-sensei."

She sniffed as if offended but Kuroko could see her amused as well. "You'd better."

Kuroko stepped outside the office then closed the door. 'Where to now?' he wondered. He was about to decide to wander aimlessly when he remembered the senior's "parting words".

'If you can find some willing testers, bring them here alright?!'

Kuroko grinned as he whipped out his cell phone and the cooking club's business card then texted their president. He was going to have so much fun. After all, turnabout is fair play.

The basketball club wouldn't know what would hit them.

Meanwhile in the first string gym...

"ARGH! Would you get away from me?!" Aomine screamed in desperation. Unfortunately, the freshman that kept on annoying him was persistent.

"Aomine-senpai, you're expressing too much!"

"I don't care if I 'express too much', just leave me alone!"

"Akashicchi, help me!" Kise half-sobbed as he tried to run away from the lower years that kept on chasing him.

Akashi pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to explain to the robotics club's representative that no, they would not model, no, we do not know what you are talking about and could you please keep your clubmates from harassing my team? Thank you.

The girl only stared at him as if there was something wrong with him and not the other way around. Akashi felt his eyebrow twitch. Either she was too thick to understand the danger she was in or she really do think that she was the sane one in their conversation. Probably both.

"Akashi-sempai," the bespectacled girl said in slow measured tones as if talking to a particularly slow child, "someone recommended you and your team for this project because he sees you as the ultimate pinnacle of minute self-expression."

Akashi really wanted to kill someone, preferably the girl. "Oh? Pray tell then, who is this 'he' that recommended us?" he said through gritted teeth and stressing "recommended" as if it was a very dirty word. Seeing that that so-called "recommendation" landed him in that surreal situation, Akashi felt that it was appropriate.

The junior only sighed, as if Akashi's concerns were too basic, "He asked his name not to be divulged, senpai. He asked so we shall follow, though he did say that he is acquainted with you and your lot."

Akashi furrowed his brows, choosing to ignore how he referred to his nationally-acclaimed team, "I do not believe that I know someone who would—"

"Special delivery for the first string basketball club!"

All the students in the gym paused in their activities to stare at the two newcomers. They were both wearing aprons and carrying bags with them.

Momoi blinked in surprise, "Fuuka-chan?"

"Oi Satsuki, you know them?" Aomine demanded, sticking his thumb to point at their general direction.

"Mou Dai-chan, don't be rude," Momoi pouted, "But yes I do know them. They're both from the cooking club."

"Fuuka" smiled shyly. "Good afternoon. My name is Yamagishi Fuuka from class 2-E."

"And I'm Suemitsu Nozomi, senior. Nice to meet you!" the other said boisterously, "Anyway, the cooking club would like to give out free samples of our products in support of the basketball club," he said handing over his bag to the nearest student, which turned out to be Kise.

"Eh?! This is all free?!" He asked.

"Yes," Fuuka grinned, also handing over her bag, "Those bags have enough samples for at least 50 people. They also have survey forms in them so please do fill them out."

Akashi chose that moment to cut in, "But we did not order any products, Yamagishi-san," he said, ignoring the senior. Nozomi answered anyway.

"Like I said, it's for support and all. Besides, it's free food. Who'd want to turn that offer down?"

"Annoying senior is right, Akachin. Free is free," Murasakibara drawled, choosing that moment to pluck a bag from Kise, "We shouldn't let them go to waste."

"Heh, the giant's right, Akashi. Free is free," Aomine said, forcefully making his way to the gathered Miracles.

Akashi just sighed once more, determined to just get the day done, "Do what you want."

"Yay! Free food!"

Midorima eyed the two cooking club members as they moved to get out of the room. They were talking in low tones and Midorima positioned himself closer to them.

"...are you sure about this, Suemitsu-senpai?," Yamagishi asked uncertainly.

Suemitsu just grinned. "'Course I am. Besides, I can't let the kid down now, can I? By the way, have you already talked to the carrot head?"

Midorima cleared his throat, insulted. "The 'carrot head' can hear you Suemitsu-san."

To Suemitsu's credit, he didn't even looked surprised as he turned to face Midorima. "Well it saves me the trouble then," the senior had a slightly crazed grin on his face while he moved to present Midorima his phone, "Here, read this."

"Good afternoon Suemitsu-san, this is Kuroko Tetsuya, the student you attempted to poison earlier. To my unfortunate luck (and to your happiness, I assume), I almost was."

"Wait- what?!" Midorima said in shock. Poisoned?!

"Oh that," Suemitsu said while inspecting his nails, "Heard that his a-ok from the grapevine. Smart kid, running to that nurse while he still can, but details, details. Now, carry on."

Midorima looked at the senior strangely while slightly concerned for his ex-teammate. From Yamagishi's expression, though, he could trust that Kuroko was alright. He cleared his throat and continued reading.

"But I digress. As per luck, I would say that I found you some 'testers', although whether they would be willing or not would depend on how you would present yourself to them. I assume that you would have at least heard of the so-called 'Generation of Miracles'?" Midorima could see where this was going, he really could, but his brain was still, unfortunately lagging to process the 'poison' part so he could only read instead. "Who am I kidding? Of course you would have." Midorima could practically see the sarcasm dripping from the words. He breathed in deeply. He always knew that Kuroko was hurt by what had happened, though he chose not to show it. "It is your choice to whether or not include the other first string members in the collateral damage, but I would request that you keep Midorima Shintaro-kun from it. If you do not know his appearance, he looks like a carrot head, no insult intended." Midorima felt an eyebrow twitch, but he continued.

"Offer to spare him diarrhea in exchange for thorough documentation of everything that would happen, in video preferably. I wish you all the luck, Kuroko Tetsuya, meatball survivor."

"Meatball survivor...?" Midorima asked blankly, mind still reeling from "diarrhea".

"Heh, the kid has a weird sense of humor," Suemitsu snorted, "So anyway that's the deal. I get victims, you'd be diarrhea clean, and the kid gets blackmail. You in?"

"... but couldn't the others sue you for that?" Midorima asked weakly.

Suemitsu's answering smirk was positively smug. "Oh that little thing?" he chuckled, "We've got a disclaimer, signed by the school administration and the local government. If they didn't read it first before eating the samples, that would be their fault, no?"

Midorima smiled, unable to keep it in, "I'm in."

And that was when the screams of pure agony started.

A/N:

* doesn't have a strikethrough option, pity.

Borrowed characters:

Miyano Akemi - Detective Conan

Yamagishi Fuuka - Persona 3

Suemitsu Nozomi - Persona 3

Note: I only borrowed their names and some attributes. I'm 100% sure that they are OOC as far as their original universes are concerned.

By the way: ALS - Alternative Learning System. Real but not in the way that I have used in this fic. It's a minor plot point, don't worry.

Chemistry Club kid - was supposed to be Izuki Shun's younger sister, but I somehow couldn't fit Mai in because I always imagined her as sweet and shy so I created an OC instead. Not really important, just something to note.

I like Midorima and I don't want him in Kuroko's "revenge" so to speak. I always thought that if he had a backbone, he'd stand for Kuroko in their Teikou-verse. But, well, this is AU so.

Anyway. Huh. It took me a positively long time to update, please excuse me for that. I don't really have a reason except somehow forgetting that I have fics to take care of, but enough of that. Thank you to all those that have reviewed, followed and favorited :) And to those that want to know, this might take 2-3 more chapters, conclusion included. I have taken Ms./Mr. CherepMikhailov's suggestion of the Lit Club and the Cheerleading Club (heh, that would be fun. Thanks by the way ;)) though I am confused on what he/she meant by a "Lasta Club". I tried googling it but, well. Anyway, if you have club suggestions or if you just want to share your thoughts in general, please do review or PM me, though I prefer the latter. That way, I'd be reminded about this WIP, though it's your choice. Again, thank you!