notes/warnings:

+ this is a lawlight fanfic. this means boyxboy.

+ swearing

+ major character death.

+ light being 100% trash

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..

Light doesn't know what to do. L is dying, falling, leaving him, but he can't move. This is supposed to feel good, feel right; Light is supposed to smile and laugh and… god, L's dying.

No, L, don't go.

He is God. But L did not see that. No, L only wanted to stand by and let the world burn. He was an arrogant bastard. He deserved to die. Yes, L deserved to die. This had to happen in order to restore peace? So why is Light's heart breaking apart?

Why couldn't he have just seen?

L is falling, and he is breaking apart.

He just wants to hold him, wants to tell him to just live, because god Light loves him so much. Light loves him and hates him all at the same time. His head feels like it's splitting open. ripping in half. One part of him, the sane part, wants to laugh, sing because L is dying, but the other part of him, insanity, wants to take him in his arms, to tell him it's alright. But it's not alright , is it? L's going to die. Light wants to hold him. He shouldn't hit the floor. He loves L.

No, don't do it. Don't touch him. He deserves to die alone. He deserves to fall on the floor.

But he doesn't. Light doesn't want him to fall. He just.. he wants to hold him.

hecan'tdothishecantdothishecan'tdie

The insane part of himself wins, and in an instant, he's grabbing L, tugging him into his arms, holding him close because he can't help it. He loves L. He loves him so much. He doesn't want him to leave!

Don't leave me!

L's eyes are wide, not blinking. He's spasming. His body is twisting and turning and, god, he looks like he's in so much pain. He's reminded of the nights before when he held L just like this after they made love, and how this day seemed so far away. How L felt against his lips, how warm L felt against his being. But those were just fairy tales, and this is reality.

Shouldn't this make Light happy? Isn't this what the plan was all along? Hasn't his game played out perfectly? Yes, this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Every little detail has gone exactly the way it should have.

Except for the fact that Light fell in love with L somewhere along the way, despite all his planning. He fell in love with the person he had to kill. He knew he would have to kill him. It was obvious. He just didn't know it would be so hard.

Logically, L is only one of the thousands he's executed using the Death Note, but to hold someone in your arms—someone you love—and to know that you saw their face, you wrote down their name, you killed them … it's so hard. To know you will never in your life meet someone like him, to know that you will never care for anyone else because you only started feeling when he came around.. it's unbearable.

Light is breaking, crashing apart.

But he knew this would happen. L knew this would happen. If he hadn't of killed L, L would have killed him. Their relationship was doomed from the start.

Light doesn't know what to do. He's holding L, and he can see L's eyes beginning to close, but he can't say a word. The world is spinning, and merging together, and it's all so blurry, and he just can't seem to say a word. Oh, he has so many things to say, so many things to tell him.

If we met in a different world, a different time, I would have loved you truly. I would have never lied to you. I swear.

Does L understand that? That Light loves him?

No, he doesn't. He's dying. God, he's dying and he doesn't understand.

Please, L.

He can see so many things in the glassy orbs of those eyes, confusion, fear, hurt.

No, please don't close your eyes.

He can feel L's dark orbs searching his, desperate to find something before they close. So little life left.

Do you see what happens, L? Do you see what happens when you defy God?

Yes, that's right, Light is God. Light is Kira.

And then he smiles. Smiles as evilly as he possibly can. Smiles because L is dying (he'sdyinghe'sdyinghe'sdying), because he was right, because he won. He beat the greatest detective. He killed him.

But god, what a price to pay for winning.

And he sees the look in L's eyes when he smiles. Hurt. Betrayal. He can read his eyes.

'No' they scream. 'I loved you. You betrayed me. How could you do this? How could you kill me?'

I'm sorry! I don't want you to die! You were the only person I ever loved!

He wants to stare into those eyes forever, to tell them that he didn't mean to; he wants to remind them that this had to happen. That this was necessary.

He is god of the new world. He has to judge the wicked. L stood in the way.

L was only mortal, and Light was an ethereal being—shining, golden, holy, and lonely.

There are so many things in those eyes. Nights alone, ragged breaths, strong arms, tight embraces, small "I love yous". Those eyes hold everything in his life that has ever made him truly happy, ever made him feel alive. And suddenly, in only a minute, Light has realized he's not lost just one thing, but a million. For those eyes to close would mean that Light has lost everything, he's lost the only person he's ever cared for.

He wants to stare and stare… But he can't because those eyes full of everything Light has ever loved suddenly close. Those dark orbs are closed and gone and… he's gone.

L'sdeadL'sdeadL'sdeadL'sdead

I'vewonI'vewonI'vewonI'vewon

He can't be gone. This is too easy. It wasn't supposed to be easy to kill L. He's worked too hard for this, lost too much.. no. He's gone. There is no breath.

This can't be right. L can't be dead.

"Ryusaki," He whispers, shaking him softly. "What's the matter? Get a hold of yourself."

L is limp, plainly and utterly limp.

No. Don't be.

"What is it?"

No.

"What happened?"

It can't be true.

And then Light's screaming, screaming and holding onto that lifeless L because he loves him—god he loves him so much—and he just wants him back. He wants him to sit up and say something stupid about percentages, he wants him to open his eyes and tell him he's Kira, he wants something.

But something isn't coming, because something is gone.

He knows the rest of the team is listening, but he doesn't care anymore! He screams and screams because wearing a mask doesn't matter right now. There is no facade. He want's L, god he wants L back so much!

He folds himself over his lover's corpse and screams for L to come back.

Please! I'll do anything! L!

And then there are tears, hot and flowing and.. it hurts. Light can't remember the last time he cried, but he didn't remember it hurting like this. His eyes sting and feel like they are going to burst right out of their sockets, his throat feels like it is being shredded… his chest.. God, his heart hurts. His whole body feels like it's burning.

ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts

I couldn't have killed you. I loved you.

Light is screaming and writhing. Then his father telling him to calm down. He can feel his hands on him, but he just wants him to get the hell off.

Can't you see? I want L! I need L! I have to hold him, have to…

Light's mind is running on autopilot. He's saying things that he isn't even thinking, because he's God and he can't let them see.

"Don't you see? Kira will kill us all! Ryusaki.. Watari… All of us!"

Everyone is panicking. They don't know what to do. Light's mind is running on autopilot. Lying. Lying.

God, he just wants L so much.

He's looking around the room, looking for that shinigami, even though he knows it's dead. It's the shinigami's fault, after all.

Yes, that's right. Rem killed L. Rem killed L. Not me. I am God.

"Where are you? Show yourself!"

Lying. Lying. He can't let them see.

L's dead. And he's won. He's won. He's won. He's won.

Then everyone is gone except Light, because he told them to search for Rem, and he's staring at L. He's going to have to get up in less than a minute, because Mogi is now prying him off (he needs his hands off of him, off,off,OFF), but he's going to make this moment last because, when he lets go of L, there will be no more mercy left in him. He can only stare and hold. He had to do this. He had to. It wasn't his fault.

No one can stand in his way.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.