Yellow Light

No one really seemed to notice how he walked quickly- edgy and fast, like he was trying to get away from something. No one noticed how he was always looking over his shoulder as he walked, or how he checked underneath his desk before he sat down and rose again. They didn't notice his lack of apatite, or his quiet, or how he breathed shallow and slow.

They did notice that he'd relapsed back into some of his classic old-days behavior. His smile appeared now and again, and he would raise his hand to announce he had to do something before darting out of class suddenly, and he seemed more down-to-earth than he'd been for a year at least. They all noticed how he'd gotten better; so much so that they forgot to notice that there was something wrong to begin with.

She didn't forget.

Ichigo loved- no, he avoided the word loved- he... liked. He really liked talking to Rukia. She would follow him on the terraces just to the side of the sidewalks and talk quietly to him, sometimes falling silent, sometimes rambling on her own. He loved- liked. He really liked it.

They tended to walk further than they needed to. Ichigo wouldn't say that he avoided home, per se, but he found himself taking longer and longer routes back to his house, so that on most nights he found himself unlocking the door in late dark. More often than not he'd come to find dinner left out on the table for him. Usually he'd cover it in plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge, thinking that maybe he'd eat it for lunch the next day. And usually, he didn't.

That night, he wasn't feeling so well. She wasn't exactly as chipper either. They walked, quietly, her above him so that their shadows blended together on the cement below. Every now and then he'd say something, or she'd say something, and the other would reply with a word. They'd fall back into comfortable silence and keep walking.

Ichigo didn't know how come Rukia just got him in this way no one else did. She knew when he needed silence, or a laugh, or a kick in the ass. It was as though she could look in his eyes and see straight into his head, or his soul- he didn't know. It was nice. He didn't have to fake anything around her. If he tried, she'd know right away, anyhow.

The dim yellow light of the streetlamps cast her hair in a faint glow, now and then, as they passed beneath them. She looked dutifully ahead, like they were marching towards some fixed point in fate or destiny- a battle of some sort he couldn't see just yet. She often wore such an expression of seriousness around him, but only when they were alone. He stared at her often and carefully, aware that she really could disappear from his sight at any moment. It had happened before, after all.

"There's a hollow, up ahead." She said, suddenly.

He'd felt it to. "I'm on it."

They took care of the monster quickly. Fighting felt good after such a long time of absence, but it had also lost a lot of it's magic. He'd used to think himself a hero, cutting down soul-sucking monsters. The curtain had been drawn aside, though, to reveal he was fighting what remained of lonely people. He'd been alone- so, so alone- that if he'd possessed it, he was sure he would have been consumed by his own hollow at some point in the year without his power.

Rukia seemed to feel the same way. She looked grim as she re-sheathed her sword; absentmindedly wiping blood off of her palms with a white rag she'd kept tucked away somewhere on her person. She looked over and offered it to him after a moment, smiling softly.

He could feel a stripe of blood cooling over his face. He gladly accepted her handkerchief and rubbed his face clean, before handing it back. The rag had been white, but by the time she was tucking it away again, it was crimson. Like the soul thread of a man turned death god.

Ichigo turned and watched as a white butterfly fluttered away in the night, unfaltering in the slight breeze.

Rukia sighed. "We should get going. It's late."

She wasn't wrong. He had no idea how long they'd been out- time seemed to flow oddly since the end of the winter war. He nodded, but really didn't want to go back to the house. He felt like wandering for miles and miles on end, until he found that thing he was looking for.

What was he looking for?

"Ichigo."

He looked up, pushing his idle thoughts to the back of his mind. "What?"

She was looking at the tree line, peering deep into the forest behind them. She didn't look with any great intensity, but her ardent concentration gave him pause. He turned to look, too, but all he saw was darkness.

"What is it?" He asked.

"There's a path." she said, almost sounding confused. "Into the woods."

"Well, yeah. There's lots of those."

"All the way out here? What's the purpose?"

"It's a hiking trail, or something. People come out here just to walk. The path is so that they don't get lost, I guess." He rubbed at the back of his neck for a second before turning to step into his body. He grabbed her gigia off of the ground and held it out in front of him for her. "Come on, someone could see." The deadweight of the fake girl in his arms always made him a little uncomfortable, especially when it was Rukia and her head that lolled lifelessly to the side.

She nodded without looking at him. She turned and pressed back into her false body. The cold skin of it warmed beneath his fingers suddenly, as her eyes sprung open. He lowered her to the ground, but his hands stayed on her hips for a moment before he let her go.

He didn't love to touch her- to know she was real. He liked it. Just liked it.

She turned to look back at the path that lead into the woods. He knew that she wasn't going to drop it until she'd had the opportunity to investigate, and he still didn't want to go home, so he sighed and shook his head- resigned.

"Come on." He said, starting towards it. "Let's get this over with." He acted like it was a pain, but really, he was slightly curious as well. He didn't come this way often, and so seeing the path made him want to explore the area a little further. This was one of the places he'd not seen during the war, and that made it holy in all regards.

She smiled and hopped once before hurrying after him, going so far as to skip into his line of view. "A hiking trail." She said, smiling. "This will prove to be interesting."

"Don't count on it. It's probably just what I said- a path."

"But it's bound to lead somewhere. That's what paths are for."

"Not this kind. These are just there so you can wander."

She hummed a quick, "hm," and then said, "That seems to be in our interest as of late."

He didn't reply. He didn't have to- she knew that he agreed, and that there was really nothing left to say on the matter. There was something about her words, though, that made him feel guilty. He really shouldn't have been out so late- Yuzu was probably devastated to have left out yet another dinner for a brother that never seemed to be home anymore. (A ghost, they'd called him. Dead, but not past. A ghost.)

As they began down the worn trail, they walked side by side. It was slightly chilly out, but neither seemed to notice. They looked passingly at the trees and plants, or up at the small splotches of sky that peered through the small gaps in the canopy. It got darker the further they went, but there was always that small yellow light of the street lamps behind them- a beacon to the world they'd left for the time being.

Just when Ichigo was beginning to think they should turn back and head home, so that maybe they could get a little sleep before school, they came upon a small clearing. There was a bench carved from a tree on one side, and a small natural pond on the other. Rukia stepped out into the clear first, heading to the pond. She stood at the edge and looked down into the water for a second before looking back up at Ichigo.

"Brother's pond always has koi fish in it. There's only tadpoles here, though."

"That's because Byakuya keeps his pond stocked when Yachiru isn't stealing from it." He walked over to the bench and sat on one side, letting out a long breath. The air in the woods was clearer than in the city. It felt nice.

"Doesn't everyone keep their ponds stocked? What's the point if they're empty?" She walked over to him, hands on her hips.

"The pond doesn't belong to anyone, Rukia. It's just... there." She'd grown up near a river, hadn't she? Weren't there any natural ponds to the sides of it to teach her that pools weren't just the mark of the aristocracy? "It's natural."

"Hm." She sat beside him, suddenly, glancing back out at the pond. "Well, it is rather... asymmetrical. I guess it's not so decorative."

"Exactly."

For a moment, it was quiet. There was a frog somewhere, croaking now and then, but they didn't pay it any heed. The yellow light had disappeared completely, and with its absence, the two could almost believe they were the only ones in the entire world.

He could sense that Rukia was working up her nerve to say something. He hoped that she just wanted to go home, but knew it was probably more than that. His suspicions were confirmed a moment later.

"Ichigo..." Rukia said, quietly. "How... how are you? Really?"

He hadn't thought things would take a turn like this. He shrugged, trying to play it cool. "Fine, I guess." He knew she could see straight through him. He wasn't at rock bottom now that she was back, but he wasn't really fine, either.

"Ichigo..."

He looked away from her, grumbling, "Well, what do you want me to say? I feel like I'm drowning all the time? That I just want to sleep? That I'm never going to fucking be okay? You're not asking a question that has any good answers to it, Rukia."

"I don't want a good answer." She snapped. "I want the truth!"

"Why? Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters! If you're hurting, I want to help!"

"I'm. I'm fine." He didn't dare to look at her. "I'm not dying, so there's nothing you can really do... And besides. It's not like you're in the best condition either. Take care of yourself, first."

For a moment he thought he'd somehow managed to get her off his case. A second later, though, the illusion was shattered. She pressed her hand into his, and after a second of fumbling, they'd locked their fingers together.

He looked back to her.

"I..." She looked at her lap, brows furrowed as she thought. "I know that we can't just... fix things. But we can't go on like this, either. This emptiness will take time to go away, and I know that. I know it's always going to kind of be there, in some way or another. It's not something you can fight. But we can't just go on like this! It's eating you alive, Ichigo, and it kills me to watch and know how it feels. This isn't- this isn't something we can just ignore. But it doesn't have to be hopeless. Together we're stronger- so much stronger, Ichigo. It's always been true. Rely on me, and we can make our lives so much better than they are now. You know I won't disappear again. And if I do, I'll find a way back. I promise."

For a second he just stared at her.

Her quiet admission was lengths more than anyone had done for him. Everyone he loved told him they were there for him, but after a time, it was like they'd give up. Like they'd expected him to get better, and when he hadn't, they'd left him to figure it out on his own. And here was Rukia, saying she knew the problem would never really go away, but that they would stand together anyway.

He didn't know what to say.

In a sea of misfortune and bloodshed, she was there. That yellow light at the end of the path, beckoning for him to come home; promising to light his way and stay by his side. And he loved her for that.

Loved. Not liked. Loved.

His grasp on her hand became firm. He swallowed.

"You've been strong for so long." She said. "But you don't have to be alone anymore."

That was all it took for his crumbling walls to break. He allowed his head to lower onto her shoulder as he let out a shuddering breath. He didn't want to cry- he was a man, and he was alright- he wasn't bleeding, or hurt, or dying. No one was. But he couldn't help the sting in his eyes, or the way her clothing blurred in his sight as tears collected in his eyes.

Her arms wrapped around him, holding his form against her as she stroked a hand through his hair. She pressed her face into the skin of his neck and whispered, "You fool," affectionately. "You damned fool."

His had gripped her hip as he sucked in a breath. He didn't want to accept the fact that he was crying, in front of someone else to boot, but Rukia's shoulder was becoming warm and wet as he tried to steady his breathing.

It had been so long. So, so long since he'd been able to be vulnerable before someone. All of the pain and frustration of that hellish year without his powers- all the lies, and the rumors, and the stares and whispers- all of it. Everything had been buried underneath his skin, building and swelling, weighing him down. He'd thought he would never be able to escape it, but suddenly she was offering him a deviating path from the one he'd thought he would have to follow. It was too much to hold in at once, and somehow, he didn't feel ashamed in her presence.

He realized that his neck was wet, and that Rukia was holding to him fiercely, like she was afraid he would turn into dust at any give moment. "I'm sorry." She breathed. "I'm so, so sorry, Ichigo. I should have come back. I just- I wanted you to have a normal life again. Without me causing you so much pain. I didn't know- I- I didn't think that..."

"It's fine." He took in another deep breath. "It's okay now. You're not leaving. And this- whatever the hell this is... we'll get through it. Together. Just like you said."

She nodded against him.

They stayed like that, for a moment, entwined on a bench in the middle of nowhere. Eventually they stopped crying, and broke apart, smiling a little in the dim. It was Ichigo that laughed first- a snort of sorts when he saw how wet Rukia's face was. She laughed, too, shaking her head at him. They breathed.

"Hey." Ichigo said.

"Hey." She returned. She pressed her forehead against his.

"Let's go home, shorty."

"Yeah." She laughed again. "Lets."

Together they journeyed back down the hiking trail, closer and closer to the light they'd left behind. When they reached it he crouched down before her, like old times, and grinned as she clamored up onto his back. He took a short-cut back home, with Rukia on his back, and when they arrived he put the dinner Yuzu had cooked him in the fridge, promising himself to actually eat it the next day.

For the first time in a long, long time, he felt that things were actually going to be okay. For the first time in a long, long time, he could see it; that soft yellow light, shining on with promise in the distance.