Quantum Moon Over Parma
by Kathryn Lively
This Quantum Leap fan fiction spec script places Dr. Sam Beckett in the body of Drew Carey during the events of, natch, The Drew Carey Show.
It was my original intention to present this fan fiction as a regular story, but then I reconsidered and scripted it; I thought I could have more fun with the format this way. If you are a fan of either Quantum Leap or Drew Carey, I hope you enjoy it. Comments are always welcome.
Please note that this story takes place well before Mimi Bobek and Steve Carey became an item, and before Drew started dating the "handywoman," Sharon.
Quantum Leap is a property of Belisarius Productions and MCA/Universal. The Drew Carey Show is the property of Drew Carey, Warner Brothers and ABC. No profit is made from this site.
Quantum Moon Over Parma
SCENE ONE: QUANTUM LEAP TEASER. Fade into the traditional prologue that began Quantum Leap, featuring the show's premise ("Theorizing that one could travel within his own lifetime", etc.) and the montage of clips showing Dr. Sam Beckett leaping from time to time. Once the prologue ends, Sam is shown leaping into the episode's current host. Sam leaps into the body of Drew Carey and discovers himself sitting at Drew's desk at Winford-Louder, about to bite into a jelly donut.SAM bites into the donut and immediately spits it out. Powdered sugar is everywhere -- on the desk, on papers, and on his chin and jacket. Sam throws the donut in the trash and scrambles for a tissue just as MR. WICK, his boss, is walking behind.
SAM: (spitting out powdered sugar) Yuck!
MR. WICK leans over Sam's chair and smirks.
MR. WICK: What's the matter, Carey? Somebody replace the jelly in your donut with applesauce or some other healthy food, God forbid?
SAM: No, it's just that I can't stand donuts. All that sugar and fat. It's needless.
All activity in the office has ceased and everyone in within earshot has turned to look at SAM in utter disbelief. You can hear a pin drop.
SAM: (befuddled, staring at MR. WICK) What?
MR. WICK: (eyes widened, trying to digest what was said) Oh, nothing, Carey. It's just for a second there I thought perhaps I was having a hallucinatory relapse, like when I was on drugs, you know? (leans over the desk and fingers some sugar) Perhaps it's this powdered sugar, so much like the white gold I loved. (tastes the sugar, rubs it on his gums) Not as bitter, though, or mind-numbing.
The office slowly returns to work, but SAM continues to stare at MR. WICK.
MR. WICK: (clearly babbling) Say, did you ever watch one of those science fiction shows with the bizarre Hitchcockian plots? Or the body snatchers? I think I'm in one right now! (laughs nervously, staring at his recently powdered finger) I'll be in my office reminiscing, er, working. (to himself) Doesn't like donuts, and they think I'm high.
SAM turns back to his desk, confused, and opens the front drawer to find an arsenal of candy bars. He starts throwing them in the trash can to everyone's shock.
OPENING CREDITS: The opening credits for The Drew Carey Show, "Cleveland Rocks" version. However, instead of Drew bursting from the department store and dancing with everybody, it is Sam.
SCENE TWO: Back at the Winford-Louder offices, SAM is still cleaning the sweets from the desk. He picks up a squashed candy bar and studies the wrapper. SAM: (to himself) The Reggie candy bar? They still make those?
The candy goes straight into the trash. Another bar falls to the floor and SAM bends down in the chair to retrieve it. At this time AL pops into the scene, dressed in a bright magenta suit with matching striped tie, white shirt, and an unlit cigar. AL: Hey, Sam! Where are you?
SAM rises too soon, catching his head on the desk. From a short distance the sound of a woman cackling fills the air. MIMI, her head down in her own work, recognizes the sound of Drew injuring himself. MIMI is dressed, as usual, in a multi-colored outfit that defies written description, and wearing her traditional makeup.
MIMI: (sarcastic) Aw, did widdle Dwoo hurt his head? I'd suspect not, I imagine all that fat cushioned your skull!
SAM, rubbing his head, rises from his chair and stares at MIMI.
SAM: (sarcastically) Your concern overwhelms me, Madame Frankenstein. (eyeing the dress) Nice dress. Did a paint factory explode nearby?
MIMI: (doesn't take too kindly to the cheap shot, looking up from her desk) Hey, watch it, pig--
She stops, staring at SAM, now suddenly starry-eyed.
MIMI: Well, hello there, handsome! (approaches SAM; AL, who can't be seen by her, takes a step back, clearly shocked and intimidated) Mr. Wick never said anything about Carey getting fired and replaced. Had I known, I would have brought out the official Mimi Bobek welcome wagon. (leans even closer to SAM, whispering) I think the both of us can fit.
SAM does not even want to know what MIMI means by that.
SAM: (laughing nervously) Oh, come on, uh... (glances quickly to AL for guidance)
AL: (checking his handlink) Mimi.
SAM: Mimi...quit fooling. You know it's me, old, uh... (another, less subtle look at AL)
AL: Drew.
SAM: Yeah, old Drew Barry.
AL: Carey.
SAM: Whatever. (zips back into Drew's chair) Anyway, I gotta lot of work to do here, so...
MIMI isn't buying it. She nods, a mischieveous grin stretched across her face.
MIMI: I get it, now. This is some sort of prank, isn't it? Carey hired you to get me to think you're him. Boy, you'd think Carey would have learned after all this time not to conspire with someone so unconvincing and stupid.
SAM: (annoyed) Hey, wait a minute...
MIMI: (puts a perfectly polished hand to his mouth, squishing it against his face) Oh, don't think I meant that as an insult, Sweet Stuff. Stupid and gorgeous are two qualities I look for in a man.
AL: (still can't get enough of Mimi's screaming loud outfit) What? Blindness is not a consideration?
SAM: (eyes wide) Mmph.
MIMI: If you're done fooling around here, meet me in the copy room after work. (whispering) We can test the weight limit on the Xerox machine.
MIMI skips happily away, leaving AL and SAM to collectively shudder.
AL: There isn't enough color toner in the world to duplicate that face. Geez, Sam, did you see how much eye shadow she had on?
SAM: It's hard to miss, what with her making goo-goo eyes two centimeters from my face. (realization dawns) Al, she can see me, the real me.
AL: I know, Sam, but I don't know how that can be. Ziggy did a quick scan of her brainwaves while she was here and didn't see any anomalies. Well... (he shrugs)
SAM nods and gestures AL to continue.
AL: Technically she's supposed to be seeing Drew Carey like everybody else. (moving closer to SAM) Trust me, I saw the guy before I came here. You two aren't exactly twins.
SAM: There's no other explanation for this? She's not a child, and she's not an animal...
AL: (muttering to himself) We'll be debating that one for a while at HQ.
SAM: (ignoring AL) And if her brainwaves were off kilter, she should be seeing you as well.
AL: Hey, that's right.
SAM: And with that suit, you're not difficult to miss, either.
AL: Yeah, (finally getting the insult) hey! What are you talking about? (looking down at his clothes) I paid six hundred dollars for this suit on Rodeo Drive. You can't possibly compare me to that, that Hawaiian nightmare!
SAM: The only difference between you and her is that your colorblind designer charges more.
AL chokes back a retort because he knows they are wasting time bickering. SAM resumes cleaning out the candy drawer.
SAM: (to himself) Look at this, more candy! I've discovered the bottomless candy pit. (catches a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the computer screen; he see Drew's face instead of his and gasps) Scratch that. I am the bottomless candy pit.
AL: (consulting his handlink) No, you are Drew Carey, and you work in personnel here at the Winford-Louder Department Store in Cleveland. You only have one day to complete your mission, too.
SAM: One day? To do what?
AL: Well, I don't know.
SAM: (suspicious) What do you mean, you don't know?
AL: (apologetic) Well, Ziggy's been pulling up every bit of information she can find on Drew, and it's not been easy trying to pinpoint exactly what needs to be changed in his past.
SAM: Why is that?
AL: Because everything in his past is screwed up! (AL checks the handlink again) He's had several failed relationships, his job is going nowhere, Mimi is constantly making his life hell, and his side business of selling homebrewed beer has been in trouble.
SAM: So you think he needs financial help? Because if there's a Dilbert look-alike contest in town in the next couple of hours with a first prize of a million dollars...
AL: (shrugging) No, I checked. (ignoring Sam's exhausted sigh) Besides, it could be we need to help Drew find a stable relationship. He's not doing so hot in the future. All he does is go to this bar every night and get drunk with his friends. Don't even get me started on these weird friends.
SAM: Weird friends? What about them?
As if on cue, LEWIS and OSWALD enter the office area and head toward DREW'S desk. OSWALD is wearing a large costume shaped to look like a brown beer bottle, with a large Buzz Beer label glued on front.
AL: (sarcastically) You had to ask.
LEWIS: (excited) Hey, Drew, what do you think of our new Buzz Beer campaign? Get this, we put Oswald in this costume and send him to Sea World Ohio, where he'll hand out flyers promoting Buzz Beer.
OSWALD: (his face just visible in a hole cut in the bottle's neck, he waves two flyers in his hands, which are sticking out of armholes on the bottle's sides) Yeah, and beer bottle-shaped balloons for the kids.
AL tries his best not to laugh. SAM bows his head and tries to concentrate on a sight that isn't as ridiculous.
SAM: It's an interesting idea, guys.
LEWIS and OSWALD look very pleased with themselves.
SAM: But...
Their faces fall.
SAM: Did it not occur to you that Sea World is owned by Anheuser-Busch, and that they might not take too kindly to allowing a competitive product to advertise in their park?
LEWIS: Wow. Budweiser owns Sea World? I didn't know Clydesdales could swim.
SAM just stares at LEWIS, and suddenly realizes he is not joking. He notices OSWALD is grimacing and sees something red on the bottleneck.
SAM: Oswald, (pointing to OSWALD'S face) are you bleeding?
OSWALD: Oh, I'll be fine. It's just the glass cutting into my face.
SAM: (shocked) Glass?! You actually made this thing out of glass?
LEWIS: Well, yeah, Drew. We sell Buzz in glass bottles, do we not? We're going for realism here.
AL: (tsk-tsking) Like I said, Sam, you had to ask.
SAM buries his head in his arms. Despite the short time, he knows it's going to be a long Leap.
SCENE THREE: In the Waiting Room of Project Quantum Leap's headquarters, we see Drew, clad in a white bodysuit, curled unconscious in a fetal position on the floor. Slowly he opens his eyes and sits up straight. He inspects his surroundings and a sense of dread grabs hold of him.
DREW: (eyes wide) Holy cow, I'm dead! And I missed my chance at a final deathbed confession, too. Dammit!
DREW stands and walks around.
DREW: Not exactly what I expected Hell to look like. Of course, I don't see any beer, or pizza, or cable TV...then again, I don't feel any flames licking at me, either. (tugs on the collar of the suit) This getup is kinda stuffy, though.
He finds a block that serves as a chair and sits. On the floor nearby is a mirrored panel and DREW gazes at it to see SAM'S face staring back at him.
DREW: What the --? Hey, wait a minute. Maybe I'm not in Hell. Maybe I'm about to be reincarnated into this guy! (thinks about it, then shakes his head) No, if I were reincarnated I'd be a baby. Unless...
He checks the mirror again.
DREW: Maybe I did make it to Heaven, and God gave me a better-looking face and body. (excited) Wow, I'm in Heaven. Oswald owes me fifty bucks. (squeezes his eyes shut) Okay, since I'm in Heaven, I should get everything I want. Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts...
The door swishes open and the lovely TINA enters, wearing her trademark tight, short dress.
DREW: (looking upward) Close, but I'm not complaining. (saunters over to TINA) Hey there, angel, care to see the view from Cloud Nine?
TINA: (giggling) Well, you seem to be adjusting well to the experiment, Mr. Carey. My name's Tina, and I wanted to be sure you were okay and if you needed anything.
DREW: (confused) Experiment? You mean I'm not dead?
TINA: (shaking her head) No.
DREW: And I'm not in Heaven?
TINA: Uh-uh. Basically the only thing I can tell you is that you've been selected at random to help out in a government mission. But the good news is that once the mission is completed, you'll get to go back home.
DREW: Home, to my regular life?
TINA: (smiling) That's right.
DREW: (disappointed) Then I am going to Hell.
TINA: Oh, now, Mr. Carey, please don't feel so bad. This mission is actually supposed to improve the quality of your life.
DREW: Oh, yeah? You're going to rub out Mimi, burn down the department store where I work, and humiliate my boss by posting embarrassing pictures of him on the Internet?
TINA: Uh, not really.
DREW: (face falls) Oh, because if you were, I scanned some photos of Mr. Wick from the Christmas party and they're yours to use. We could even doctor them with Photoshop.
TINA: (laughing) That's okay, Mr. Carey. But don't you worry, we'll get your life in Cleveland back on track. Meanwhile, is there anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable?
DREW: (flirtatious) You got an even tighter dress than that?
TINA: (laughing more) Yes, but I don't think it'll fit you.
DREW: (smiling) O-kay, well how about this...
SCENE FOUR: Still in the Waiting Room, about thirty minutes later. DREW is seated in a Barcalounger in front of a big-screen television. Pizza boxes rest to one side, and Drew has a bag of chips in his lap. Sounds of a baseball game can be heard from the set.
SCENE FIVE: Back in Cleveland, SAM and AL are in DREW'S kitchen. Various ingredients for a salad are on the dining table, and SAM is shredding a head of lettuce into a large bowl.
SAM: I'm telling you, Al. You should have seen the look on the face of the girl at the store checkout when I brought over all these vegetables. She even felt my forehead to see if I was running a fever!
AL: (consulting his handlink) Yeah, according to Ziggy here when Drew was nine he made a solemn promise never to eat anything green, with the possible exception of lime Jello, and he won't even eat that if it's one of the molds with pieces of fruit wobbling inside.
SAM: (done shredding, now arranging radishes to be chopped) Does Drew eat red foods?
AL: He started up again when the red M&Ms came back.
SAM: (sighing) Say, AL, do you think Ziggy has any pertinent information about this Leap, like what I have to do? And why that Mimi person can see me?
AL: Actually, I do. (the handlink squeals in his hand) Ziggy has deduced two possibilities as to Mimi being able to see you, each at a fifty percent chance.
SAM: Go on.
AL: Well, there's the theory that all those years of wearing makeup might have altered her brainwaves.
SAM stops chopping vegetables.
SAM: What?
AL: (shrugs) Hey, there's a history of her wearing metallic paint for long periods of time. Ziggy thinks it might have soaked into her skin and messed with her mind. Kinda like drugs.
SAM: Metallic paint? What for, singing backup for KISS?
AL: (surprised) How'd you know that?
SAM: What's the second theory?
AL is reluctant to say, but SAM pressures him to continue with a stern look.
AL: Okay...uh...Ziggy's second theory is that Mimi is being influenced by...feelings.
SAM: Feelings?
AL: Feelings.
SAM: Nothing more than feelings?
AL: Can we not sing that song, Sam? It's all I heard at my fourth wedding, and I still can't get it out of my head.
SAM: (ignoring AL) I don't get it.
AL: Well, Sam, let's just say that Mimi's gone without, er, a certain activity for a while. Not by choice, of course, and her brainwaves are working overtime to pick up on any available prospects.
SAM: Prospects?
AL: Three guesses, Sweet Stuff.
SAM pushes the vegetables aside and sits, weary.
SAM: Well, that's just great. Not only do I not know what I have to do to help Drew, but I have to deal with his crazy friends and an oversexed secretary who gets her eye shadow from Sherwin Williams! (to AL) Does Ziggy have any advice?
AL: (reading off the handlink) And I quote, "Run fast, run far."
SCENE SIX: Back at the Waiting Room, DREW is still in front of the TV, this time flanked by the two security guards who are supposed to be guarding the door. They are eating pizza and cheering on the Indians.
DREW: (screaming at the TV) Oh, come on, blue! What game are you watching?
The door to the Waiting Room swishes open and a DELIVERY BOY enters, wheeling in a keg.
DELIVERY BOY: Got a keg of Bud here for Dr. Beckett.
DREW waves the boy over and takes a proferred clipboard to sign.
DREW: (looking up at one of the guards, whispering) It's Beckett with two Ts, right?
The door opens again and an irritated GOOSHIE enters, aghast at the sight before him.
GOOSHIE: (to the DELIVERY BOY) You there! This is a restricted area, how the Hell did you get clearance? (to the GUARDS, as the DELIVERY BOY grabs the clipboard and bolts) And you two are supposed to be outside the door making sure people like that don't get in here!
The GUARDS mutters apologies, snatch a few pizza slices and exit, all the while Drew still has his eye on the game.
GOOSHIE: (calming down) Mister Carey, I realize you didn't come here on your own free will...
DREW: (leaning over to tap the keg) Hey, no sweat. Just tell me how to get here next time and I'll make sure to call first. This place is great!
GOOSHIE: Uh, yes. (kicks aside an empty pizza box) All the same, even though you're our guest, we can't have any privileges abused, otherwise the people in Accounting will get sore, which means that the government gets sore. (to himself) Which means we lose funding and Dr. Beckett can't come home and I don't get my retirement payoff!
DREW: (looking up at GOOSHIE) Is that all? Why don't you send the bean counters down here? I have to haggle with Accounting at my job all the time, and as it happens I know which buttons to push.
GOOSHIE: (hopeful) You do?
DREW: (confident) Oh, yes.
SCENE SEVEN: Still in the Waiting Room, about fifteen minutes later. The furniture in the Waiting Room is rearranged so that a couch full of Quantum Leap Accounting personnel can watch the game. DREW pushes buttons on a cell phone.
DREW: (on the phone) Hey there, sweetheart. This is Doctor Beckett again. I'd like to order four more large with everything...(to the television) Hey, blue! He missed the tag! Come on!
SCENE EIGHT: Drew's backyard. KATE, LEWIS and OSWALD approach the back door carrying six packs and pizza boxes. KATE tiptoes up to the kitchen to see if DREW is there. OSWALD has a white gauze bandage wrapped over his head and under his chin.
KATE: OK, guys, remember, when we go inside we pretend like everything is normal.
LEWIS: Man, I hope I can do that. Everybody at the store said Drew's been acting weird. On a health kick, like he was possessed by Richard Simmons.
OSWALD: Yeah, next thing you know he'll be wearing those skimpy glitter-covered shorts, too, and sweating to the oldies.
The three take a moment to ponder their friend in shorts and collectively shudder.
LEWIS: (notices KATE appears distraught) What is it, Kate?
KATE: (peering through the window, staring in disbelief at the dinner table) Dinner...remains...salad...light dressing...pasta with broccoli...crumpled Diet Coke can!
OSWALD: (seriously grieved) We're too late!
LEWIS: (opening the pizza box) Never say never! There's only one way to bring our friend back from the dark side...(he opens the back door and starts waving the scent of cheese pizza inside the house) behold, the power of cheese!
The three tiptoe inside the house. The kitchen is empty save for evidence of a healthful dinner eaten. "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John can be heard blaring from the living room. Quietly KATE and LEWIS proceed to the living room, but OSWALD turns to leave.
LEWIS: (grabbing OSWALD by the sleeve, whispering) What are you doing? You can't leave!
OSWALD: I can't do it. I just want to remember Drew the way he was.
LEWIS yanks OSWALD back into the ranks and the three continue. In the living room they find SAM on the floor doing sit-ups. AL is wandering around the room, inspecting the surroundings and snapping his fingers to the music. He sees DREW'S friends.
AL: Sam, look up. Drew's friends are here.
SAM jerks up suddenly from his exercise and waves. He leaps up to turn off the stereo. DREW'S friends notice he is wearing shorts and a tank top.
LEWIS: (gasping) Tank top!
KATE: (gasping) Shorts!
OSWALD: (gasping) Sweat!
SAM: (wiping his face with an exercise towel) Hi, guys. (notices the string of astonished faces before him) Uh, I guess you're all kind of surprised to see me like this.
KATE: Are you kidding? I'm surprised "Candid Camera" isn't lurking behind your couch.
OSWALD: And I'm surprised you found shorts that fit!
LEWIS: And I'm surprised you're not clutching your hand to your heart and exhaling your last breath as you sink to the floor from a massive coronary.
Everybody turns to stare at Lewis.
LEWIS: What?
SAM: Oh, you guys...
AL: Actually, Sam, Ziggy says she's surprised that hasn't happened as well.
SAM glares quickly at AL and moves to the couch. He notices the pizza and beer.
SAM: Oh, you brought dinner. Thanks, guys, but I already ate. You're welcome to eat here, though. (To OSWALD) Hey, Oswald, you feeling better? How's that cut?
OSWALD: (grimacing) Oh, it's fine. It only hurts when I breathe and talk and move my face. (in pain) Ooh!
KATE takes a seat next to DREW.
KATE: Drew, what is going on? Mr. Wick said today you cleaned out your candy drawer, and now here you are exercising. Why the sudden interest in getting in shape?
SAM: (pats stomach) Oh, no reason. Just thought it would be nice to do some spring cleaning, inside and out.
LEWIS and OSWALD: (in unison) Ewww.
SAM: What was that?
LEWIS: (thinking a moment) Oh, I'm sorry. You meant that as a figure of speech.
SAM grabs a stack of papers from the coffee table.
SAM: Anyway, I've also been coming up with some ideas on how to promote Buzz Beer, ideas that hopefully won't cause any of us bodily harm.
OSWALD: (taking some of the papers) Amen to that! I'll tell you I'm not looking forward to seeing the scab ring around my head. (slyly) Of course, I can't wait to see if it all comes off at once.
SAM and AL: (in unison) Ewww.
AL checks the handlink again.
AL: Hey, Sam. Ziggy says some of those marketing ideas you came up with could improve Buzz Beer sales by fifteen percent. But there's a ninety-five percent chance that's not why you're here.
SAM tries not to look too distressed at the news and instead concentrates on KATE, who's just put her hand on his knee.
KATE: Drew, it's great that you're trying to make things better for Buzz Beer, and for yourself, but doing this...sudden lifestyle change...well, it's almost kind of creepy.
SAM: Creepy?
KATE: Yeah. I like you the way you are. All of us do.
She looks to OSWALD and LEWIS for validation, but they are silent and staring at SAM.
KATE: (to OSWALD and LEWIS) Right, guys?
LEWIS: Hmm? Oh, sorry. I was just wishing I had a video camera for this. "Funniest Home Videos" just eats this weird stuff up.
OSWALD: Yeah, and what could be weirder than this?
On cue, MIMI bursts through the front door clad in black leather and carrying a bottle of champagne.
MIMI: (to KATE) Hands off, sister! The stud is mine.
Everybody stares in shock at MIMI. OSWALD and LEWIS look at each other and wonder which one of them is the "stud".
AL: (really nervous, wondering now if he is the "stud") Uh, Sam, I think my handlink needs recharging. I'll be right back.
AL pushes a button and disappears.
SAM: (distraught) No, don't leave me!
LEWIS: (nervously stepping backward toward the kitchen) Leave, Drew? Why, I wouldn't dream of it.
OSWALD: (following suit) Me either, pal, but dreaming and doing are two different things.
KATE, OSWALD and LEWIS bolt, leaving SAM alone with a love-starved MIMI.
MIMI: (smiling wickedly) All aboard the Bobek Express, Sweet Stuff, with stops to Ecstasy and Orgasmic Delight.
SAM: (really nervous) Oh, boy.
SCENE NINE: Quantum Leap HQ. AL and GOOSHIE are walking briskly down the hall toward the Waiting Room. AL is anxious and wants desperately to know what SAM has to do to get out of Cleveland.
AL: I can't believe he was only given one day to complete this mission! What could Sam possibly do, except perhaps lay a foundation for Drew Carey to improve his life...
GOOSHIE: (wheezing, trying to keep up with AL's pace) I agree.
AL: We checked every angle...the job, the beer business, his love life. Low percentages on all of them and getting lower. Ziggy says eventually Drew and Kate hook up, but that's not the crux of Sam's mission. It's almost as if Sam was placed in Cleveland by mistake.
GOOSHIE: What about this Mimi person? You don't suppose Dr. Beckett has to help her with something?
AL: The only help Mimi needs can be solved by a toll-free phone call to a discreet mail order service.
They skid to a halt in front of the closed Waiting Room door.
AL: I guess the only thing we can do now is ask Drew himself what he thinks needs to be corrected in his immediate time. (leans in toward the door) What's all that noise in there?
GOOSHIE: (clueless) Sounds like music.
AL punches in his access code and the Waiting Room door opens to reveal a rowdy party. "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry is blasting from unseen speakers, and it appears everyone at HQ is dancing and carousing inside. AL and GOOSHIE enter in utter disbelief.
AL: What the...
AL sees DREW dancing, drinking and carrying on with TINA and rushes over.
AL: (obviously peeved) Hey, hey! Break it up. Tina, you're supposed on duty.
TINA: (indignant) Well, I'm on a break. Besides, HQ hasn't had a company party since I don't know when.
AL: Well, what have we had to celebrate? Get back to work.
TINA storms away while AL pulls DREW to a remote, quieter corner of the party.
AL: I can't believe this. How in the hell did you arrange all this? Beers kegs, pizza...(looks behind him) a DJ booth?
DREW: (still enjoying himself) Amazing, huh? You know how hard it is to find a DJ in the middle of a New Mexico desert? We had to fly Charlie in from LA! (fishing something from his pocket) Oh, that reminds me, here's the bill for his plane ticket and cab fare.
AL takes the bill and crumples it in his fist. He is about to scream bloody murder when DREW speaks up again.
DREW: Man, I don't know who you guys are, or what it is you do, but I just want you to know this the most fun I've had in my entire life! It's nice to just take a day and not have to deal with all the crap at work and in my life.
AL: Well, (he notices his handlink beeping) er, you're welcome.
AL pats DREW on the back, who returns to the party. AL, however, is reading the info Ziggy is giving him.
AL: (eyes widening) That's it, of course! (looks around) Hey, Gooshie!
GOOSHIE, dancing with a pair of lovely ladies, breaks free and rejoins AL, trying to look as if he weren't enjoying the fun.
AL: Ziggy finally picked up on it, what Drew just said a second ago. All the problems in his life now and in his future...Sam isn't supposed to fix anything! Ziggy says that given time, there's a ninety-eight percent chance everything in Drew's life will work out on its own.
GOOSHIE: That's great, but that doesn't tell us why Dr. Beckett's there now.
AL: Don't you see, Gooshie? Drew needed a break! Sure, he has his problems and frustrations with work and his love life, but who doesn't? He was unable to get away, even for a day, and Ziggy says that Sam leaping into Drew was the only solution.
GOOSHIE: (understanding) Of course, yes. That's very plausible, Admiral. (frowning) But, now that we've figured it out, that's means that Dr. Beckett will be leaping soon.
They look over at DREW, still enjoying the party, and watch as he leaps out of the scene.
SCENE TEN: Drew's living room. SAM is stripped to the waist, bound and gagged in a recliner, looking very afraid for his existence. "Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing" by Chris Isaacs is playing on the stereo. MIMI emerges from the kitchen, shaking a can of Reddi Whip in one hand and, for reasons unexplained, clutching a spatula in the other.
SAM: (struggling to break free of his bondage) Mmph!
MIMI: Patience, my sweaty Adonis. I won't hurt you...much.
SAM continues to struggle as he leaps away from the scene. In seconds, DREW is now back home, tied up and half-naked in the recliner.
SCENE ELEVEN: Drew's backyard. KATE, OSWALD and LEWIS are standing by the pool table.
KATE: C'mon, you guys! We can't leave Drew in there alone with Mimi. Who know what'll happen, considering the state Drew's in.
LEWIS: Seeing Mimi in that getup would make me want to leave this state, too!
Suddenly, a blood-curdling shriek emanates from the house, and the three watch as MIMI bursts out the back door screaming in horror and running. KATE, OSWALD, and LEWIS rush inside to find DREW untying himself.
KATE: (shocked) Drew, what happened?
DREW: (visibly shaken, rubbing his wrists) I don't know, it was the weirdest thing. I was having this great dream, you know, where I had a big screen television and free beer and pizza, and there were girls everywhere.
LEWIS and OSWALD smile. They like this dream.
DREW: Then I wake up to the nightmare.
LEWIS: Well, it's good anyway to see you back to normal. Of course, it would be better if Normal Drew had some clothes on!
DREW: Tell me about it. What possessed me to dress up like this anyway? (heads toward the kitchen) Oh well, it's not like anything really bad happened.
DREW sees the leftovers of the dinner SAM cooked -- the broccoli, the salad, and the Diet Coke. DREW realizes he must have eaten it and lets out a blood-curdling scream.
SCENE TWELVE: SAM is shown leaping into another body. His eyes are squeezed shut, apparently awaiting MIMI'S wrath. When nothing happens, he slowly opens his eyes and sees he has leaped. He relaxes.
SAM: Whew.
SAM notices he is sitting on a couch alone in a nice-looking apartment. He has no idea who he is or what he has to do.
SAM: (to himself) This seems unthreatening. I just hope whoever I am doesn't have any weird acquaintances.
On cue, the door opens and PHOEBE BUFFAY enters with a guitar.
PHOEBE: (her usual happy self, rushes over to the couch) Ooh, Chandler! Stay right there, I want to play you my new song. It's a sequel to "Smelly Cat."
MONICA GELLER emerges from the bedroom and recoils in horror.
MONICA: Chandler! (swipes a glass from the coffee table) What did we talk about this morning. Coasters! Use coasters!
JOEY TRIBBIANI enters from the apartment across the hall and sees SAM.
JOEY: Hey, Chan, you think you can help me with this audition coming up? It's for a musical based on the Manson murders. (with pride) I'm up for Corpse Number Three!
SAM looks around at all the bizarre chaos around him and puts his head in his hands.
SAM: Oh, boy.
THE END
Written by Kathryn Lively
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