A/N: Apologies for taking so long on this one! I got burned out writing Shadows and Stained Glass (25k in one week takes its toll) and this chapter got put on the back burner.

We get a bit of a push, but the ball will really start rolling in the next chapter when the plot picks up.

Thank you for the reviews and thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy!

Everything seemed softer, somewhat gentler. There were noises beyond the curtain that separated him from the world, beeps and clatters and the hum of droids moving about. His mind thought he should be worried about it, but he couldn't find it in him to do so. Everything was very soft. Curled under the light covers, cocooned in the embrace of sedatives, he found very little to be concerned about. It wasn't that his mind didn't try - it was valiant in its efforts to disquiet him, reminding him where he was, how he was among enemies, how dangerous it could be, how very helpless he was in his current state - but it was all a low-level murmur, hovering just barely above the subconscious. He pushed it away easily.

The voices were a bit more difficult to ignore. Though they spoke quietly, he could still hear every word as it drifted its way past the haze and into his attention.

"To be honest, we don't have much information on these sorts of things here on base. Our files are mainly focused on physical injuries, we haven't seen many cases of mental ones."

He couldn't recognize the first voice. It sounded somewhat low and somewhat soft and very unfamiliar.

"But what about the tests, the abnormal brain readings?"

His mother - Leia - Mother - his mind staccatoed fitfully over the descriptor. He sighed irritably and curled in on himself deeper. The voices still reached him.

"Not abnormal, General, no - I don't believe that sort of description is accurate in this case. The readings are merely… different from standard. They are not abnormal, especially not for someone in his condition…"

"And we don't know what to do about it?"

"We do, somewhat. We've dealt with cases of shell shock before, and this is something similar. We've never dealt with cases quite this strong, however. I've requested files from the medical college on Coruscant to be sent over so we can handle the matter more appropriately."

"Very well… notify me when they arrive."

"Of course, General."

Footsteps; someone leaving, someone coming closer. The steps echoed but it was in his mind and not in the real world. Everything seemed to echo in his mind, it had become so empty in the wake of medicinal sedation.

The curtain before his eyes shifted aside. Everything was sharp glow and stiff light behind it, the figure passing through it backlit like an eclipsing sun and moon. The curtain was drawn closed again, and the figure reformed into his mother, no blazing halo nor heavenly body in sight. She noticed him watching her and smiled at him softly. Her eyes were disquieted. Seating herself on the chair next to his bed, she reached out to lay her hand on his head. He sighed in something like content under the warmth of her touch.

"How're you feeling, honey?" She asked gently. He grunted in vague answer; he thought he might be annoyed that there had been a discussion on his topic that didn't include him, but he preferred dissonance. If he could feel he wasn't part of the world then maybe nothing would affect him. Maybe nothing could reach him. Pulling back his mind, he made everything go soft and distant again. For a long moment it is just that, the world a distant blur, only his mother's gentle touch reaching him through the cloud.

"Oh Ben," Leia said suddenly, voice breaking. Her voice pulled him out of the haze he was growing so comfortable in. He wanted to look at her, but his eyes had closed and he couldn't find the energy to open them again. She continued, in an almost whisper, as she stroked his hair, "Why didn't I realize… why didn't I try harder…"

Her voice was pained, he realized. He'd wanted to hear that pain in her voice, once. Once he might've enjoyed it. He didn't know if he did, right then.

"I'm so sorry, honey," She breathed, "It seems I'm messing up all over again…"

Part of him wanted to tell her she was wrong. Part of him wanted to make her see she was right. He breathed deeply, no energy to speak or move left in him, and felt her lean down and kiss his temple. She stroked his hair and began to hum a melody he hadn't heard in so, so long, and he let himself fall back in the soft embrace of unconsciousness.

At first Kylo had been suspicious of the pills the doctor had given him. For all he knew, she could have been trying to make him complacent and weak-willed through the use of some medicinal cocktail. He'd protested at the beginning, if not violently then at least angrily, until he'd driven himself into another fit. They'd been able to bring him back from the edge before he'd done himself any harm, and he'd finally realized just how helpful the medication could be. He could keep from breaking down completely, he could keep his head something like level with their help. Even if all they did was take the edge off, that would be enough. That would be more than enough.

So, somewhat reluctantly, he'd agreed to the regimen they put forth; two pills a day, one they called a 'mood stabilizer' for the morning and a sleeping aid for the night. The doctor had included an anti-anxiety med, though she'd cautioned him to only use in cases of extreme anxiety.

"What do you mean by extreme anxiety?" Kylo had ventured to ask, the first explanation he'd asked for since she'd began explaining.

"Well, for example, if you're so overwhelmed by things you feel you can't handle leaving your room, or even your bed. Or if your mind is so hyperactive, so hyper aware, that you're unable to keep your thoughts from whirling through your head..." She paused then, seeing the darkly amused look on his face, and after a moment of thought amended her explanation to a simple, "How about, if you feel so bad you can't breathe, and your mind is so overwhelmed you're considering using the manacles to shock yourself again? That's when."

By the end of the second week Kylo was cautiously optimistic - he could sleep his nights through, at the very least. Dreams still came, strange dreams of dusty caverns and valleys like gashes cut among mountain ranges; rooms full of strange figures chanting in an unknown language; lights - just lights, all sorts and all colors, that hovered above him in odd configurations. He was used to strange dreams, however; being attuned to the Force had brought them to him for as long as he could remember, his nightmares so very often not his own. He couldn't imagine where these new images came from, but he did not worry over them as he might have. The terrifying dream of the Finalizer, and the chilling voice that came with it, had not returned, and Kylo would face a million strange dreams of odd worlds and figures over reliving that terrible one again.

The voice had not returned, and slowly the terror of the dream faded away. As the days passed he convinced himself it was a product of his over-active, hyper aware mind, pulling out old memories and painting them through the warped lens of anxiety and paranoia. There was no need to worry about strange hallucinations, he told himself. He should be spending his time repairing what little was left of his mind, finding solace where he could.

In the semi-calm state that came to him gradually over the weeks on the medication, he was able to more rationally approach the things that stressed him and angered him rather than impulsively reacting. In some ways, this was a boon - he could spend time actually thinking, even meditating, for longer than a few minutes at a time. He was still wary to reach out to the Force as he meditated, but the calm he found was still better than any he'd found in… in years, possibly.

In other ways, however, it was disquieting. Being around his parents brought back old memories, of course, but now rather than falling into a pit of anxiety or getting angry almost right away, he was finding himself dwelling on them. The feelings would mill around in his head, and instead of finding an outlet for the emotions they brought back he began actually acknowledging them.

He wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

"You do like coming out here, don't you?" Leia said as she settled herself down on the bench next to Kylo. He eyed her wearily, slouching out of his meditative pose.

"There's usually no one here," Kylo said pointedly, looking away. He was in the gardens again, this time seated on one of the stone benches set beneath a gorgeously flowering tree. It was familiar to him, gave him a sense of sadly-sweet nostalgia. The scent its flowers gave off was deep and heady, almost too much so, which was perfect for his purposes. He'd wanted something to drift on while he meditated in the morning, something that would help him detach from the world around him. It worked, most of the time. That morning, however, he'd woken with his last dream still fresh in his mind - the ship, his uncle's hand around his much smaller one, his parents growing smaller in the ship's windows...

The memory refused to leave him. It had swirled round and round in his head since he woke, gnawing at his nerves and scratching at his brain fitfully. He felt rubbed raw and twitchy from it, he had almost been tempted to take one of those anxiety pills but they were in his room and he hadn't feel like going all the way back.

He regretted it; he could've used the pill now, he could feel his pulse pick up as his mother sat down next to him. Questions filled his head, words he'd never spoken over all the years but which now threatened to spill from his mouth. He clamped his lips shut instead, hoping to keep them inside where they belonged.

"I was wondering if you'd join me for lunch," Leia asked softly, looking at him.

Kylo fiddled with the edge of his sleeve. The offer was genuine, he thought he could feel that much. He wasn't in the mood for food yet, he wasn't even sure if he was hungry. He was tired, just as he had been every day for as long as he could now remember (even the sleep the medication provided couldn't make a dent in that weariness) and after that morning he was much more interested in falling into his bed than suffering through awkward small talk over plates of food he'd barely touch.

He opened his mouth to reject the offer, maybe offer some inadequate yet convincing reason, but what tumbled out instead was,

"Why did you send me away?"

He felt himself freeze, eyes widening and breath catching in his throat. He refused to look at his mother, focused instead on the grass before him and tried to imagine a world where he hadn't said those words at that very moment.

Leia sighed, from the corner of his eye he saw her tilt her head towards him.

"Oh Ben…" Her voice trailed off. He wondered if he could leave now, before she could say more, but then she spoke and he was rooted to the spot.

"I thought that was what you needed." Leia said softly, sadly. "You were getting stronger in the Force, and I thought it would do good if you lived with Luke while you learned, instead of just having lessons whenever he came over."

Kylo took in her words, turned them over and pieced them apart in his head. That's what they'd told him, back then, but it had sounded hollow, felt fake. He'd just be going to study, to learn, and yet they had been anxious to see him gone, hadn't they? He'd felt their relief as he followed his uncle on board the ship, felt them relax for the first time in so long...

"Was it because of that council meeting?" He asked dully. "Because of what I did?"

He'd gotten angry, again. The disrespect. And all around him, the stares, the shouts. He'd never forgotten the way so many had turned towards him with fear in their eyes...

"What? No!" Leia said. He turned slightly to look at her; she touched his arm, her eyes sad. "No, Ben… It wasn't a punishment."

"Then… Then why didn't you visit…" The words were painful, scratching their way up his throat and out of his mouth. They hurt almost as much as the memories. He'd convinced himself over the years that he'd never cared at all but the truth was he had, and he still did, and it was so hard to keep them pushed away. "D-dad did but you… you barely ever…"

"I thought…" Leia's voice caught, her fingers on his arm tightened just slightly, "You refused to talk over the holo communicator, and you were always so angry when I did visit. Luke said you'd be in a bad mood for days afterwards…"

She drew a breath.

"I thought you didn't want to see me. I thought it would be less disruptive if I limited my visits." Leia said softly. "I thought it would be better that way..."

"I kept waiting for you to take me home," Kylo said, looking away finally. A breeze caught up the fragrance of the blossoms and swirled it around them. Tilting his head back, he looked up into the waves of wine red flowers above and breathed in deeply. "You never did."

Some days Kylo would work up the initiative to leave the quarters and go visit Han while he worked on the Millenium Falcon. It was so much easier to be around his father than anyone else; their conversations were short and factual, their interactions casual and amiable but never close. The most emotion Han showed was when he clapped Kylo on the back or shoulder and let his hand linger comfortingly. Kylo tried not to focus on the feelings that reached him then, a mix of relief and love and grief and regret. It made him think of how strange it was that his father would treat him so warmly after he'd killed - almost killed- him. It made him itch to get away. But even with those awkward moments, Kylo preferred being there in the familiar confines of the Falcon. Among the compound, it was the only place that registered anywhere near 'safe' in his mind.

By the end of the first month after his medical bay visit, he was at the Falcon almost daily. Without the nightmares stealing his sense of center, and with the help of the medication, he found the trek somewhat easier to make as time went on. Despite how hard he tried to convince himself, however, he still couldn't help but feel the skin-prickling sense of danger whenever he encountered groups of people. His mind still screamed ENEMY whenever someone unfamiliar appeared in his sights, and even keeping his gaze averted couldn't help keep his internal alarms from sounding. Instead of risking the frayed nerves and headaches, he'd mapped himself a route that avoided the larger roads, skirting around busier areas of the base on the way to the hangars. It took longer, much longer - he was practically walking the perimeter of the compound - but he was no longer being triggered at every intersection or corner.

That day Han had given him the task of rewiring a circuit board in the cockpit console. There was a lot of wiring to replace within the ship, along with busted sensors and other mechanical issues that Kylo didn't get involved in. Despite Han's tutelage when he was much, much younger, Kylo had never truly grasped the concepts of mechanical repairs and wiring and electronics. If he worked at it he could get it to work, as long as he focused on what he was doing, but most times he wasn't even sure what it was he was doing. After a couple of hours of work, Han had headed back to the quarters for a break and Kylo continued working by himself. He didn't mind the solitude, and he found that even in the cramped cockpit he felt relaxed. The smell of it was familiar, the feel of it. The way the sparse light came in through the cockpit window and dotted the seats was familiar. Familiarity was good right then - he may have loathed it once but now it was all he had left.

He was busy, that day. There were plenty of wires to replace inside the console, many of them burned across their entire length. It reminded him of the state of the wires in the SoroSuub after the escape. There was less damage to the interior of the console but it looked very similar. Kylo still had no idea what had happened to the Falcon, why it was in such a state, but he hadn't yet worked up the nerve to ask.

Replacing wires was repetitive but he found it enjoyable in a way. His fingers still shook sometimes, and sometimes the wires slipped from his grasp and snaked away among the others so that he had to go digging around to find the right ones again, but it kept him busy. It kept his head engaged. It kept him from thinking too hard of where he was and who was around him. Most of the time at, least. Right then he was finding it difficult to focus, an odd feeling in the back of his mind. He'd been on edge ever since the talk with Leia, feeling like everything was just a few degrees shy of center. It had been days and he still felt the off-kilter tilt of it. He couldn't place the feeling; was it just his head? Was it something else? He couldn't figure it out - but it persisted, prickling his skin and making it difficult to focus on the wiring. For the first time since he'd started helping Han with the Falcon, he was actually getting angry at the work. It was unsettling...

He was so engrossed in his work, and becoming rapidly more angry with it, that he didn't notice the footsteps in the corridor until they were right outside the door. Tucked in between the seats as he was, arm deep in the inner workings of the console, he couldn't immediately look back to see who it was approaching. The thought that he'd left his back unguarded hit him like a ten ton weight, he was suddenly on high alert, his Force sense flitting fitfully out as he twisted in an attempt to face the doorway. He could feel someone there, but it was another heartbeat of seconds before he could push himself out of the cramped space and turn around.

The tr- Finn. Finn. He stood in the doorway, looking somewhat surprised and wary, and like he wanted to back away but didn't because of the principle of the thing. Kylo's mind was on full alert from the sudden intrusion. He couldn't help it, he glanced down at the other man's hands - empty, did that mean anything? holsters existed - and then back up at his face - he looks unprepared, didn't expect Kylo, he's not panicking however not panicking not like you-

"Uh, I was looking for Han," Finn said, running a hand across his short-cropped curly hair, his eyes hovering around Kylo's face but not meeting his gaze. That was fine, Kylo didn't want to meet his either.

"He went back." Kylo said shortly. The panic that had shocked so suddenly through him was receding in the face of what-might-not-be-a-threat, but the fact that it had rose so sharply unnerved him. It hadn't happened in a while, he hadn't expected it right then.

"Oh, okay." Finn nodded, "Sure, so… I'm gonna… I'm gonna go then…"

Kylo didn't respond - was he supposed to? Finn still had that wary look. He might have been acting something like casual but Kylo could feel his tension even with his Force senses suppressed. Maybe that was what kept the panic tinting the edges of Kylo's mind and tracing his skin with minute shudders, maybe that was what kept him reactive. The moment was tense, and growing tenser, it had lasted far too many seconds to be comfortable.

Finn turned to go finally, but suddenly he wasn't alone at the door. Rey had stepped up next to him, and her sudden appearance set Kylo's hackles raising again, his skin prickling again. Where had she come from? Why hadn't he heard her? His mind whirled again, scattered with the shock of it. It wasn't her that did it, not her as a person - it was the realization he had no way out, that the one exit was blocked now by not one but two people (possibly hostile, his mind tried to tell him).

"Leia asked me to tell you it was dinner time already," Rey said with an attempt at an amiable smile in Kylo's direction. She was trying to be nice, he told himself. She was not a danger to him. Finn was not a danger to him. He wasn't in danger -

HIs brain refused to listen; he shuddered slightly, heart pacing faster as his breathing picked up. He couldn't stop the reaction, couldn't stop the way his hands had begun to shake. He leaned back against the console, gripped it with his hands to try to stop them and tried to focus.

No way out

Rey was still looking at him like she was expecting a response, as if she couldn't see, couldn't feel, what was happening with him. His throat was suddenly dry.

"I'll… I'll be right there." He rasped out, trying to keep his voice from shaking. Rey's eyes narrowed slightly, concerned, and she took a step forward.

"We can go to-" She began, but suddenly Finn grabbed her arm. HIs eyes were on Kylo however, his gaze somewhat pensive, even as he pulled her back slightly.

"Actually, before that I wanted to ask you something," Finn said, turning to Rey with a grin.

"What is i-" Rey began, looking puzzled, but then Finn was pulling her back away from the door.

"I found something, I can't figure out what it's for," Finn said with a chuckle. The moment Rey turned to walk with him and her gaze had left him, however, his face grew serious and he shot a searching look at Kylo. For the first time their eyes met, and Finn gave one, solemn nod as he held Kylo's gaze. Then he turned, bright grin spreading across his face again as he continued chatting with Rey as he led her back towards the airlock.

Kylo was still shaking, but the panic-tinge had died down somewhat. Finn's look, his nod - as if they'd shared something personal - he couldn't understand it. Or he did, at least a little. At the end of it, the man's gaze hadn't been wary - it had been sympathetic. The thought that he was so easily read by Finn left a bitter taste in his mouth. That thought that that traitor was giving him a pitying look rankled him. And yet… in the end, he was thankful for it. Sliding back down to the floor, wrapping his shaking arms around his legs and pressing his face against his knees as he tried to catch his breath, he was thankful for it.