Ezra

Six days went by after our conversation in the commando-tent. Ratonhnhaké:ton, his father and Thomas Jefferson planned the first attack to weaken Washington's army, with the help of Benjamin Franklin. An attack on one of the bluecoats' arsenals. The only one that wasn't close to the pyramid and easier to reach. Haytham and Ratonhnhaké:ton would go alone because as the grandmaster of the Templars had implied, he thought of himself as the only one with the necessary skills, besides Ratonhnhaké:ton. And it was a fact. If they wanted to destroy this arsenal without being detected, they needed men who were able to do so. Men who had been trained in a certain way. Men like Ratonhnhaké:ton and Haytham. But this didn't mean I felt confident with their plan. I felt more uneasy than ever. Maybe because this time, there was so much more at stake. Because every future step could decide if Ratonhnhaké:ton and I would return home or not and we both wanted this as soon as possible. We had been here for too long, already. Over two weeks now and every day felt like our real-life was drifting further away. My homesickness was torture. My longing for our home and especially for Emily. I thought of her every day and sometimes it felt like the memory of her was fading as if this reality was forcing my mind to accept that Emily didn't exist here and it made me panic. I didn't want to forget my child and sometimes I caught myself clinging to her. My thoughts kept drifting away and it hurt so much, that had to fight the tears. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to distract myself.

Even after several days, it was hard for me to get used to life in this camp. To the spartan circumstances, the sparse meals, the boring days, and above all, the persistent cold. But all of this wasn't the most difficult. I had the biggest trouble with getting along with the men. Initially, I had tried to offer my help anywhere I could. With the cooking, the distribution of goods, the laundry, the sewing, just everything I could be of help with. But every time I was sent away and told, my help wouldn't be necessary. Generally, I got the feeling that I as a woman wasn't necessary. Like on our first day, the men's reactions varied between ignorance, polite kindness, and open disapproval. No matter if I met them alone or with Ratonhnhaké:ton by my side. It quickly became obvious that he, as the warrior and kind of hope, was more welcome than I. I took no offense of it. Being realistic, I was rather useless to the rebellion and nothing more than Ratonhnhaké:ton's partner. A role I loved with all my heart, but an insignificant role to the rebellion. But this was exactly the reason why I had wanted to make myself useful with little tasks.

Soon I got used to staying in the background and this was what I did this morning. Wrapped in a coat I had gotten from Wilden and which was too big but at least warm. I sat by one of the campfires and warmed my hands on a cup of hot tea. The night had been so cold that the grass, bushes, and trees were covered in frost that cracked under your feet with every step. The cold air made your breath crystallize into a fine mist, in my case mingling with the steam of my tea and rising into the sky. Normally I would entertain myself with watching it, but not today. I certainly sat here for more than an hour by now, ignoring the busy men around me and constantly glancing towards the edge of the clearing, where the path was leading towards New York. Ratonhnhaké:ton and Haytham had taken this path tonight to execute the attack on the arsenal. As I had requested it, Ratonhnhaké:ton had wakened me up before leaving and I had kept remembering it over the last couple of hours. I remembered him delaying getting up from our place to sleep and had held me firmly in his arms. I had felt that the thought of what was at stake was bothering him, too.

"I wished with tonight, everything will be over", he had whispered while putting his lips to my forehead. Knowing too well, that this attack was only the beginning. "I want to lie in our bed again, holding you like this and only asking myself, how long it will take for Emily to storm in and distract us from each other."

I had laughed softly about this simple wish and even now I smirked with the thought, Hopefully, it would become true. If Ratonhnhaké:ton and Haytham came back over this path and told us about their success, we would be one step closer.

If. My hands closed firmed around the cup as my eyes roamed to the treetops above our heads. It was still early in the morning, but Ratonhnhaké:ton had said they wanted to be back at sunrise. Of course, I knew, this had been an approximate statement. Nobody could know what was awaiting them and could hold them up, after all. Still, I became restless and started imagining what had happened in the meantime, although I forbid it myself. There were so many scenarios in my head and none was to my liking. I sighed. It's always the same. You should think, I would become more relaxed when he's gone.

But it seemed like this was the price of loving someone and knowing, that they were exposing themselves to danger. A price I would always pay as long as my concerns turned out to be unnecessary. This was what I was waiting for now that I was concentrating on the edge of the clearing. But it wasn't Ratonhnhaké:ton and Haytham I noticed there. It was another returnee I had hardly thought about over the last couple of days. Probably because I had believed he hadn't made it after abandoning the Aquila.

His head down and limping as always, he made his way through the labyrinth of tents, past men who threw insults after him and even spat in front of his feet. It seemed like he didn't care but I couldn't see his face underneath his hood. As soon as I had seen him, I had stood up, my cup of tea still in a firm grip, and followed him. Since leaving the Aquila, I hadn't seen him and because I hadn't seen him in the camp either, I had believed he hadn't made it. But now he was here and seemed to be like shadow once again. He disappeared just to reappear out of nowhere. Maybe I didn't know much about him, let alone his face, but still, I wanted to ask him how he was and where he had been. He just left the last tents behind himself and sat down on a tree trunk. Just the way I had retreated after Ratonhnhaké:ton's meeting with Kane'tó:kon, when he had talked to me. Now I was the one slowly approaching and stooping behind him. "Ezra?"

His shoulders straightened but it was the only reaction. I was unsure if it meant that I should leave but instead, I took a step closer. "Where have you been?", I asked carefully. "I thought something happened to you."

"Depends", he murmured in dull voice and grabbed into his coat to take out a flask which he opened and put to his lips, to take a deep sip of its content. I heard him gasp. Whatever was inside the flask, it probably wasn't water. "But I wasn't injured or arrested if this is your concern. I just had some things to do in the city."

I nodded although he couldn't see it. But I got my answer. Was I satisfied? I looked him over and noticed his slumped shoulders. Whatever he had needed to do in the city and how he had made it here unharmed, it didn't seem like he had been successful.

"Are you well?", I asked the more or less rhetorical question since I didn't expect a positive answer. I was right.

"No. But don't worry about me", Ezra murmured and took another deep sip from his flask. A joyless smile flitted across my face. I had heard this so often before, even if it had been from someone else.

"If you knew me, you would know that this answer doesn't reassure me", I said. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"If you knew me, you wouldn't even ask this question."

I frowned about this discouraged answer. "What makes you think that? You hardly gave me the choice to learn anything about you."

"You don't need to get to know me. I'm sure you already learned enough about me from the others." Ezra put the flask to his lips again and uttered a huff. "I am disfigured and a cripple. This is reason enough for many, to turn away and to be honest, I prefer it. I don't want to force my company on anyone and especially not on you, Lillian. You are a kind woman and you shouldn't feel obliged to keep me company. I should have left you alone from the start."

Silence followed. I didn't know what to say. He had said all of this with a bitterness in his voice that scared me. Yes, I had already heard one or two claims about him and of course, I had noticed his limping and the lifeless movement of his left arm. But I had never guessed he could be disfigured as well, although his hood was always hiding his face. I thought of Ray. He had hidden underneath a cloak as well but why should I have believed right away, that Ezra was doing it for the same reason? It didn't change a thing. That he believed I could judge him in this superficial manner made me sad. I had never stopped seeing my brother as a human being although he had hardly behaved like one.

"Believe me, I don't judge. Until now, I have found a pleasant conversationalist in you and appearance has nothing to do with it", I said quietly and heard Ezra uttering a joyless laugh.

"This would make you one of the few persons who have ever told me that." He sounded so sad, almost broken. It made me wish to say something that could encourage him but I had no words. Everything I came up with was meaningless and empty. Nothing honest and even it would be easier to just turn around and leave him, I didn't. I couldn't turn away and as long as he didn't ask me to, I wouldn't.

"May I sit?", I asked and much to my surprise, Ezra nodded. I stepped around the tree trunk, straightened my skirt, and sat beside Ezra, who silently offered me his flask which I turned away. I still held my cup and put it down beside my feet. The tea was cold by now. While Ezra took a sip from his flask, I could have taken the chance to glance underneath his hood. But this curiosity was wrong. If he didn't want to show himself, I accepted it.

"How did it happen? In war?", I asked, still carefully. The last thing I wanted was to pester him and to give him the impression, that I just wanted to take delight in his suffering. He should know that he didn't have to talk to me if he didn't want to, but that I would listen to him. For himself. After all, he had listened to and helped me as well. A favor I intended to return if he let me.

"No. I was born this way", he answered and uttered this joyless laugh again. "Must have scared my mother so much that she forgot to suffocate me with a pillow."

I winced about these words. He said it as if it was something natural. As if he could have understood if his mother had killed him. But what kind of mother would do such a thing?

One that cares for the opinion of others and is scared about what they could think of her.

I lowered my eyes to my hands and bit my lip. I remembered a man calling Ezra a freak. He had said it as if Ezra was not human but something worthless. I hardly dared to imagine the hostility Ezra had lived with. People rejected everything that seemed different. That didn't fit into their world view. The color of a person's skin, their origin, or their appearance in general. If something didn't fit into their ideals, it was wrong, and as terrible as the thought was: Ezra had never fit into anyone's ideal. But the way he spoke, it seemed like he had already accepted this fate. It was a bitter acceptance which he silenced with another sip from his flask. Without giving it a second thought, I grabbed the flask and took it from him. This was hard to watch. Also, because I had considered him to be stronger than that. Silent, if other men were close but still calm and equable. The image of this broken man beside me, who could hardly sit straight and was reeking of alcohol, was scaring me and despite my new knowledge about him, I couldn't say that I understood him.

"I think, you had enough, for now, Ezra", I said quietly and put the flask beside my cup, out of his reach. Ezra's head had followed the movement of my hand, but he hadn't protested like I had expected him to. He just sighed deeply and his hand disappeared under his hood, as he probably ran it over his face.

"Maybe", he replied and sat motionlessly. As if he was staring into the void. "You know, I used to curse my life a lot because I was too afraid to end it myself", he began and his voice became quieter with every word. "I thought, eventually I would find sense in it. I thought I had found it, but…she rejected me after all and I cannot even blame her."

"Her?"

"Meryl. I met her a few years ago in New York. Her father is a potter and she helped him with his stand. I had hardly seen her and I knew that she was the most beautiful and wonderful woman ever walking beneath the sun. A woman who would never pay attention to me. But she did. She was the first who didn't turn away in disgust and only looked into my heart."

I heard a smile in his voice that made me smile, too. After everything he had just told me, he sounded more hopeful and happier when thinking of this woman. You could hear that he loved her. But there was also melancholy in his voice and I could imagine the reason for it. He had indicated it, after all.

"I wanted to marry her, can you imagine? I thought I could finally live a life like everyone else. With a wife and family." He laughed bitterly and shook his head. "I was so stupid. When I asked her father for her hand in marriage, he chased me away like a stray. He said he would never give his daughter to someone like me. A monster. Meryl asked me not to give up and for her, I did not. For three years until last week." Ezra took a deep, shaky breath and with that, every sign of positivity was gone. He slumped even more and I almost believed I could feel his pain and it made tears rising into my eyes.

"She's married", he continued. His voice as broken as himself. "She couldn't wait any longer and I cannot hold it against her. She couldn't stay unmarried forever and everything I wanted was a good life for her. A life I could never have given to her."

He said it as if he had already accepted it, even though his posture said something else. But I understood. His life was full of rejection and now that he had found someone who didn't reject him, even loved him, it had been denied to him again. It was unfair. It was cruel. Especially since Ezra and Meryl never had had a chance to be together. She must have been under pressure as well. The pressure of being a single woman without a realistic perspective for her future. I couldn't imagine that she had accepted this marriage full-heartedly. She had no other choice and I could understand this as well. As wrong as it was.

"I am sorry", I whispered, although it was no help at all.

"You don't have to be", he answered plainly. "I should have given her up long ago. Now my life is without sense again."

"You're supporting the rebellion. You're making sure that Meryl doesn't have to live under Washington's rule anymore." I tried to put every spark of optimism into my voice and felt pathetic at the same time. It was my sympathy that wanted to cheer him up and show him, that his life was of worth. That everyone else was wrong. His hopelessness scared me. He was a wonderful, kind man who didn't deserve what happened to him. But he only shook his head about my words and his voice was full of bitterness as he said: "Let's be honest: The rebellion is already dead. It's a dying animal, just waiting to be put of its misery. If it doesn't destroy itself."

Confused I frowned. Destroy itself? These men may be without a plan but they were determined. "What do you mean?"

Ezra didn't answer immediately. If he wanted to answer at all. I had hardly asked my question as the sounds behind us became louder. Excited voices, men were coming out of their tents and curiously craning their necks to look at the opposite side of the clearing. I glanced over my shoulder but couldn't see what had caused this excitement.

"I think someone's returning", Ezra said, without moving at all. I had leaped up in an instant and had almost run to check if Ratonhnhaké:ton and Haytham were returning. But one look at Ezra made me stop.

"You don't have to stay for my sake", he said, as if he could feel my hesitation. "I am sure, you want to go to him."

Yes, I did. I put a hand on Ezra's shoulder and squeezed it lightly, before walking around the tree trunk once again, to go back to the camp. Hurriedly I followed the path between the tents, pushed myself past some men, and finally stopped at the campfire, where I had sat before. Most of the men had gathered here and bombarded the two men in their midst with their questions. They were Haytham and Ratonhnhaké:ton, whose gaze kept roaming over his surroundings until he saw me. I couldn't stop myself from smiling, as I returned his look and felt a wave of relief washing over me. He seemed to be mostly unharmed. As I pushed myself past the last men and approached him, I saw the tear in his sleeve, drenched in blood. I screwed up my face. An injury could only mean that their plan hadn't worked as perfectly as we had hoped. But it became unimportant for a moment, as I reached Ratonhnhaké:ton and took his hand, which he had lightly stretched out to me. My smile returned as I felt his warm grip and raised my eyes to look into his face. Something in his eyes made this smile waver.

"Did you make it?", I asked.

He shook his head.

"We hardly reached the warehouse as we were already surrounded. They have expected us and set a trap. We were lucky enough to escape. They were there to arrest us. No doubt." Haytham had laid his hands on the table of the commando tent and although his eyes were lowered onto the wood, his anger about their failure was visible in his posture and the way he was grinding his jaws. Ratonhnhaké:ton was calmly sitting on a chair, still with a grim expression while Logan was stitching the wound on his arm. I stood beside him and still tried to assimilate Haytham's report. They hadn't made it. They hadn't been able to carry out their well-thought plan. The arsenal was still intact and Washington's army hadn't been harmed at all. They had known even, that Haytham and Ratonhnhaké:ton would come.

"And what shall we do now?", Jefferson asked, who had listened to Haytham's report with obvious concern. "Do you think they knew about this attack only?"

Haytham shook his head. "If they knew about this one, they know about our other plans as well. And even if they don't, we have to be more careful from now on. Our plans are invalid."

He pushed away from the table and took the tricorn off his head to run his hand through his grey hair. Some strands had already loosened from his braid. Suddenly he didn't appear as proud and illustrious as always. Just tired. It fuelled the uneasiness I felt after his words. Invalid? Did it mean that they were about to give up their plan? They plan, I had believed would bring Ratonhnhaké:ton and me home?

"Is there nothing else you can do? Maybe another way to weaken Washington." It was a hopeless try that was stomped to dust by Haytham's headshaking.

"I fear there is not. This was the only way left. Now there is only a direct attack but right now, this would mean our death."

Silence followed his words. As if we all need a moment to realize it. To realize that we were back at the start again. Without perspective and this start had already been the end. The rebellion had wanted to rise once more to finally defeat Washington and his bluecoats.

The rebellion is already dead. It's a dying animal, just waiting to be put of its misery.

Ezra's words echoed through my head and I immediately looked at the hooded man by the tent's entrance. He had already realized what we others had wanted to ignore.

"I don't know about you, but I would like to know how these bastards knew in the first place. If it is as you said and they were waiting for you, someone must have told them." Logan, who had just bandaged Ratonhnhaké:ton's arm, rose from the chair he had sat on and turned all the attention to himself. He was right and probably saying what we all were thinking. The bluecoat's attack hadn't been a coincidence. According to Haytham, it hadn't been a normal patrol.

"You are right, Logan", Jefferson said. "But only a few knew about the details of this plan. Haytham, Ratonhnhaké:ton, Lillian with him, Franklin, you and I. We all worked on this plan and I dare to say that none of us had a reason and the chance to tell our enemies. No one left the camp who could have heard about it. Someone would have noticed."

"I know someone." Logan walked around the table and stopped right in front of Ezra, who didn't react at all. "You appeared out of nowhere, today. Where have you been?"

"None of your business", Ezra growled and made Logan step closer.

"Oh, really? I think it's all of our business if you have offered our asses on a silver plate."

"Maybe you're blaming the wrong person, Logan. As far as I know, you are constantly leaving the camp", Ezra countered, suppressed anger in his voice.

"Unlike you, I have an important task. I have to care for our men and…"

"Stop it!" Haytham pushed himself between the two opponents. The tension between them was seizable but Logan took a step back and turned away from Ezra, who was now looked over by Haytham.

"Answer the question: Where have you been? If you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear."

I saw Ezra stepping from one foot onto the other and I pressed my lips together, as I thought about our conversation. I didn't believe that he was the traitor, but I remembered another sentence of his. The sentence about the rebellion that left me clueless.

If it doesn't destroy itself.

Had he talked about treachery? And if yes, how did he come to this thought if he didn't know anything?

"It wasn't me", he said. "I was in the city, yes. But I didn't tell anyone. How could I? I wasn't here the whole time and didn't know about your plans. Old Wilden told me about it as I returned and if I had been here before, someone had seen me."

No one could deny the truth in his words. No reply followed and as Haytham nodded, the mood in the tent relaxed a bit. But the question at hand still wasn't answered.

"I think we have no choice but to wait for now and go through our remaining possibilities, as sparse as they are", Jefferson said and nodded at Haytham. "I think we should be more careful who leaves and enters the camp. No one is allowed to go without a word or reason. We should tell this to the officers. But no one is allowed to use the word treachery. It would only cause agitation and distrust. What we talk about here, remains in this tent."

Haytham nodded. "There is nothing else left. But if there is a traitor, we should find and eliminate him. The last thing we need the knife in our back being twisted."

After the conversation in the commando tent, it was hard to continue the day calmly. The other men only learned that the attack had been unsuccessful and they all reacted with disapproval. They had clung to this last hope as well and now they were as clueless as we were. No matter where you looked, you saw frowns and works which were done without vigor. But seeing these morose faces, I asked myself if one of it belonged to a traitor. I understood why Jefferson hadn't wanted the men to know about the treachery. It was difficult to trust others if you knew, that one of them didn't deserve this trust and how fast could this cause trouble and fights? Ezra and Logan had delivered a perfect example of such a fight with their mutual accusations.

If it doesn't destroy itself.

Whatever it was that Ezra had wanted to say, his words were making more and more sense of their own. The rebellion probably needed just one more blow like this, to fall apart. Without Washington's aid. But did Ezra know more than he said? The longer I thought about it, the more I was sure that his words hadn't been empty talk. That they had a greater meaning.

Or I am interpreting too much and they have been the words of a man without hope.

Without hope and broken. That was how Ezra had appeared to me and in the face of the circumstances, it was understandable. To lose someone you love, no matter how always came with pain. And Meryl was the only person who had ever accepted Ezra the way he was. There was no one else but her by his side and she must have known that, as she had agreed to the marriage. As much as I felt for Ezra, I felt sorry for this woman as well, although I didn't know her. If she had loved Ezra, too, her heart must be broken as well.

I sighed quietly and buried my head deeper into the crook of Ratonhnhaké:on's arm. It was in the middle of the night and I hadn't been able to sleep since we had retreated into our tent. Ratonhnhaké:ton had fallen asleep the moment he had caressed my hair one last time. Now I concentrated on his regular breathing, to calm my rushing thoughts and fall asleep. But it was difficult. When I closed my eyes, I could see my parents and began asking myself, what I had done if I had been in Meryl's shoes. If my parents were still alive and had learned about my love for Ratonhnhaké:ton. I knew they would have been against him. He didn't fit into the concept they had made for my life. It had been the wish of my father, that my husband inherited our family business.

Would I have been brave enough to stand up against them and choose my love over my family? To keep both would have been impossible. My mother had done it when she had gone to England for my father. Her family had never forgiven this disobedience and shame and had expelled her. The two times we had been allowed to visit them had been more than unpleasant. Even for me, who could hardly remember it since I had been so young. But thinking about how sad my mother had used to be, I wasn't sure if she hadn't regretted her decision. Would it have been the same for me? Would I regret it? Not because I didn't love Ratonhnhaké:ton enough, but because I loved my parents too much. Questions I couldn't answer. My parents were dead and Ratonhnhaké:ton the one, who had given me a new life. Something I could never thank him enough for. I just hoped that Mary was still able to find love and happiness in her marriage.

With this thought, I finally decided to conclude with the conversation with Ezra for now. There was so much more to worry about, but I didn't want to do this right now, either. I pulled the two furs, that we used as blankets under my chin and cuddled up closer to Ratonhnhaké:ton, to profit from his warmth. He moved slightly in his sleep and I smirked as his hand brushed over his chest to cover mine, that was resting there. He murmured something I couldn't understand but soon returned to his regular, deep breathing.

"I love you", I whispered and closed my eyes. Feeling that I could finally fall asleep. It didn't last long. My consciousness was close to drifting gently into sleep, as it was torn back by loud noises outside. But not only mine. Almost immediately, Ratonhnhaké:ton had sat up and felt for his tomahawk in the darkness. I sat up, too, and ignored the cold that was immediately nagging through my clothes as we listened tensely to the voices outside. Something must have happened. No attack, my first fear, but something else. Without saying a word, Ratonhnhaké:ton crawled to the tent's tarp and disappeared outside shortly afterward. I didn't wait for long and followed him.

Several men had left their tents and gathered in small groups, whispering to each other. Their attention was turned at the path between the tents, leading to the trees behind. Where I had talked to Ezra before.

"Was just a matter of time until he does it", I heard a man say and I tried to look past him, down the path.

"What happened?", Ratonhnhaké:ton asked, standing beside me. At the same moment, we saw the two men coming into our direction. It looked like they were carrying a stretcher of some sort between them.

"They found him dangling back there. This coward found the easiest way out of his misery", another man answered Ratonhnhaké:ton's question and stepped aside like all of us, to make room for the two carriers. As they walked past us, I saw that it was a stretcher between them. A body, wrapped in a blanket, on it. An icy shiver ran through my body as the men's words reached my mind. One of the men had committed suicide? Had hanged himself?

"Who is it?", I asked and the answer was short laughter.

"The freak, of course."