Chapter 1 Family Reunion

Just a stab in the dark...have to admit that I haven't watched Emmerdale regularly for years now – what with being out of the country making it hard but Aaron's story caught my eye and captured my heart. Poor Aaron! Apologies in advance for errors not following the series – I'm going to write my own interpretation so may change some details.

He felt numb as he got in that shower and turned it on. Not even sure what he was going to do, he regarded the razor blade sitting on the soap-shelf with dull eyes. He didn't feel anything in his body except for his fingers itching to grab it and start tearing and ripping at his skin. He longed for the relief that would come with the pain. The more it hurt, the more he bled, the better.
He resisted the urge to just do that but it wasn't easy.
His Dad had come back and with him the memories sweeping over him like a tsunami that he couldn't withstand. It didn't matter that he'd managed to push them away. No warning – no chance to prepare mentally – just suddenly like that he was there, right in his face. Greeting him warmly and calling him son. And the worst thing was that he acted like nothing had happened. Had even said that he had come back deliberately to patch things up with him. What? After 7 years? His Mum too didn't have a clue and he could see how happy she's been to see him now that she was on her own and needed a man to lean on. He'd only recently forgiven Chas for leaving him with Gordon all those years ago. But he'd made her pay when they'd been reunited. Something else that proved how worthless and bad he was.
Then there was his Uncle Cain. At first he'd thought Cain hated him – he'd been a handful when he'd arrived – caused all sorts of trouble, gone to prison, he'd deserved the discipline he'd lashed out on him. But since the truth about him cutting himself, his Uncle had started treating him differently and Aaron saw that he did care about him after all in his own way. He could see him always on the lookout for signs that his self-harming was back and he spoke with a soft voice mostly to him these days like he was easy to startle or crazy. Would he be upset if he wasn't there any more? His Mum could be with his father and everyone would be happier. Besides, he couldn't stay around when he'd heard that Gordon planned to buy the village pub. He'd said that he had cancer but Aaron had told him that he couldn't care less and turned down his offer to give him a share of the pub. Aaron would rather raid the warehouse like he planned to get the money than take anything from that man. His Mum looked at him in shock and he knew what she was thinking – why couldn't he forgive the past?
If she only knew.
It was tempting to just take that razor and let it do its work on his skin. Because that was what it felt like Like he wasn't charge of it like with those people who tried to contact ghosts by letting them write messages through them using their hands.
He shook his head and wiped the tears furiously away with his fists. These days, it always seemed like his body betrayed him and his eyes were always leaking when he didn't want them to.
He remembered Robert's touch and his kisses though. He still couldn't understand what he'd seen in him – cheated on Chrissie with him. Back then, he wasn't sure whether he was straight or gay and had been fighting his feelings.
Robert had eventually blackmailed him and betrayed him. Knowing that he was bad for him only seemed to increase the attraction.
He still thought about him though and sometimes fancied that his ex still had feelings for him. He knew it was impossible though because no-one who knew him could ever really care about him. He was dirty, filthy and disgusting. He was bad and violent, he'd done too many bad things, hurt too many people. Not Paddy, his mother, his uncle and especially Robert really cared about him. They couldn't.
The world would really be a better place without him. And most importantly of all, he wouldn't have to see his father with his mother again just like when he was little. Before she left and things went so bad.
The way his father used to make him feel had struck him in full force yesterday when he clapped eyes on him. He was badly trying to get rid of the feeling but was failing miserably.
He let he water run even after it turned cold. Must be 30 mins by now but he wasn't counting.
He just wanted to feel clean again. The counselling he was getting after they found out about his self-harming had helped but now he was back to square one again. His father didn't even have to say anything – just seeing him again was enough to cast him back down to that scared little boy he used to be. A combination of hopelessness and helplessness mixed with savage self-loathing.
Terrified by his threats about what would happen if he 'wasn't good even it didn't happen all the time but the threat was enough. Hardly ever in fact but now he could see that he got really punished for being bad when the women in his Dad left his life. He didn't realise at the time but now looking back on it through adult eyes...
And he hadn't been good despite his father's threats – it was like they drove him to do the opposite. He'd rebelled instead and stolen, taken drugs, lied and cheated. He had even lashed out at Sarah and hit her when she threatened to leave. He'd looked in fear afterwards towards his father who had that look on his face. At 13, he knew what that look meant, how his Dad planned to punish him.
Never hit a woman or those smaller than you, he'd always lectured.
But she'd left anyway. The only good thing was that his Dad had chucked him out of the house . That was his only punishment but he'd been relieved at the time that was all it was.
Oblivious to the water running over him that was now freezing cold, he regarded the metal blade of that razor again. Its metal blade gleamed in the sun that shone through the high corner window of the bathroom.
Without a second thought, he grabbed it. He almost grinned with relief as his hand started to used it as if by its own will without him thinking about it.
Old habit.
He slashed his forearms and felt a savage feeling of relief at the sharp pain and seeing his blood whirling down the plughole. It was just the start – he was psyching himself up for the finale.
At least the could feel something from the pain and sight of his lifeblood draining away.
But now someone was banging on the bathroom door.
'You in there, Aaron?' He heard his uncle demand.
Aaron froze and didn't answer while the blade hovered over his left wrist.
'What are you doing in there? You OK?'
Damn him. He's always on full alert now for another suicide attempt from me, watching out for signs of me hurting myself even though he knew he'd been a lot better recently. Aaron hated that look on his uncle's face that resembled a hunter considering how to approach a wounded but wild and dangerous animal.
'Fine!' He answered as cheerily as he could.
But something in his voice must have alerted Cain.
'You cutting yourself in there? Better not be!'
Aaron had just slashed himself savagely on the wrist. This was good – it hurt like hell - more than the other shallow cuts. After warming up, he started to go deeper now.
Then, with a hint of worry, 'Aaron?'.
'Leave me alone!' Angry now at being hassled, Aaron slashed the other wrist. Now he could see his pain on the outside of his body in his blood and the self-inflicted scars all over him and he felt a blissful sense of emptiness like he always did after a good cutting session. The hurt deep inside him only became visible when it left him.
He felt calm. He didn't realise what he was actually feeling was faint.
'Aaron!' Cain was still banging the door and rattling the lock. 'Let me in!'
'I'll...be...out in a minute.' He replied but his voice sounded faint to his own ears.
With that,the world grew black and he slumped – no – fell onto the shower floor. Lucky he didn't fall through the glass shower door and break that too.
Barely aware now, he distantly heard the bathroom door crash open and he closed his eyes. Not caring about anything and just slip off into the dark was bliss. He could leave all the pain behind him and just drift off softly into the darkness...

'You stupid, selfish little bastard!' Someone was yelling into his face and shaking him. 'What did you do? What the fuck did you do to yourself now?'
'Get off me...Fuck off!' He tried to sit up but found himself too weak so he slumped back against the wall. The fact that he was naked in front of his uncle hadn't hit yet.
Cain bandaged up the second wrist with a bandage from the first aid kit Chas always kept in the bathroom cabinet.
'Come on, get up...'
'Don't...'Aaron started to panic and struggle weakly when he realised that he had no clothes on.
'Don't worry, I'm not looking at you.' Cain snapped and wrapped a bath-towel around his hips. He wasn't to know his Dad made him strip in front of him, right before...
Aaron shook his heavy head to stop that memory.
'We're going into your bedroom, OK? I'm going to put you to bed.'
'I'm not tired...'
'Tough.'
'Mum...'
'She's not coming back until later. She's with your Dad in the pub, catching up.'
Aaron couldn't stop a little shiver at the mention of Gordon because that was how he thought of him in his head, never Dad. Unseen by him, Cain noticed his reaction and narrowed his eyes to file the detail away for later.
'Don't know what I'm going to tell her about this...' His uncle grumbled as he supported him and helped him into his bedroom and sat him down on the bed. 'When it seemed like the counselling was helping and you were doing it less...'
'Don't tell her!'
Cain reached into the chest of drawers and tossed him a pair of clean pyjamas – for Aaron these consisted of a T-shirt and a pair of light trousers. 'Put these on.' He ordered and turned his back.
Aaron tried – he did but he was weak and his uncle had to help him put on the T-shirt.. He grumbled bad-naturedly the whole time.
'Get in.' He lifted up the edge of the quilt.
Aaron looked up at him quizzically. 'I ain't 10 any more, you know!'
'Pity you still act like it.' He snapped. 'I said 'get in'!' And even though Aaron wasn't a teenager any more, he obeyed.
Aaron rolled his eyes and slowly got in.
Cain even pulled the cover up and pulled it up in his chin. Tucking him in.
'You're lucky you didn't slit an artery. You ever try to kill yourself again and I'll fucking kill you. Don't you know what it would do to your Mum?'
Aaron only looked up at him in confusion at the apparent contradiction in his threat.
'Stay there. I'll go and make you a hot drink -something sweet. Sugar's supposed to be good for people in shock.'
'But I'm not in..'
But Cain was gone, already out the door.
Aaron sighed and stared at the pink and white English rose flower-pattern on the wall-paper. He lived in a small Yorkshire village in England and the décor was sweetly, sickeningly old-fashioned.
He hated it.
He sighed and turned over to face the wall and closed his eyes.
He must have drifted off because it seemed like a mere second later his Uncle was pulling on his sleeve and telling him to turn around.
'Made you some hot chocolate. Even found some marshmallows to put on top like you used to like when you came to visit when you were small.'
'Thanks. Any booze in there?' Aaron was touched and surprised to learn that Cain still remembered that – it was all so long ago but he didn't want to show it.
'No.' Cain slapped his shoulder and frowned as he pretended to be angry.
Aaron sat up slowly and took a few sips of the hot liquid. Sucked up some of the white and pink marshmallows on top too.
'Now, you going to tell me what's going on with you? Did you really want to kill yourself?'
Aaron looked up at him over the rim of the steaming hot drink. 'I...I don't know exactly.' He answered honestly. 'Are you going to tell Mum?' He asked, it was his biggest worry.
Cain sighed. 'Well, you've got two bandaged up wrists and the bathroom's door's broke. Don't exactly think I can keep it from her but maybe I can fix the door. Your wrists though...I don't know...'
'I can wear long sleeves and hide them. Don't say anything and spoil things for her. She's so happy right now with Gor..with my Dad.'
'If you don't want me to then you better tell me the truth. Why are you cutting now? Does it have something to do with your Dad coming back?'
Aaron stared at him. One thing his uncle wasn't was stupid and he had to remember that. He noticed everything.
Taking another sip, he replied, ' Yes...I mean maybe.' Aaron always found it hard to escape the relentless, piercing gaze of his mother's brother when he was looking to get information out of him.
'Maybe? Why?'
'I mean probably not. I don't know why I wanted to again.' Aaron's voice was fading and his eye-lids felt increasingly heavy.
Cain took away the mug that was almost empty.
'By the way I put something better than booze in it. Laced your hot chocolate with valium. For the pain, of course.'
Aaron grinned because now he really did feel like he was walking on air. His pain and seeing Gordon again and all his worry just seemed to fade away.
'Now go to sleep.' Was the last thing he heard his uncle say before he lost consciousness. He thought he felt Cain lightly ruffle his hair just before he crossed over but he told himself that he must have imagined it.

…
Aaron woke up and glanced blearily at the green numbers of the clock on the wall. 0536. Then he noticed a shape in front of his door and with a start, he realised it was Cain. He could even hear him snoring gently.
He rolled over onto his other side to face the wall and fell asleep again. When he woke a few hours later, his uncle was gone and he could tell himself that he had dreamt or imagined what he'd seen before. But he still felt as depressed as before when he remembered that his father was back in his life and when he saw his mother and father together and laughing about something from across the road when he went out to get some milk, he felt even worse than before. Gordon had his hand on the small of his mother's back and she was tossing her hair and giggling at his joke. Aaron knew the signs when she was flirting. Then Gordon saw him and tapped Chas on the shoulder and they both looked at him.
When his father waved at him, Aaron immediately forgot all about the milk and hurried back home without looking back.

The first thing he did when he got inside was go his bedroom and take out the penknife he kept in his desk.

He avoided his bandaged wrists this time and plastered up arms and slashed viciously at his chest, added to the scars there. He told himself he didn't want to die – just wanted to get the pain out of him and that he knew how deep he could go.
After all, he had several years of practice.
Feeling the blood trickling down his shirt he lay down on his bed and rested a while before he started all over again.

…