Title: Visiting to the Pink Side

Author: Meb

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em

Category: Attempted Humor

Rating: PG

Pairing: Slightest hint of S/J possibility—if you blink you'll miss it

Spoilers: There But For the Grace of God

Season: Carter is a Major . . . so early Season 3

Summary: The boys are shocked by Teal'c's latest journey, which he has undertaken with help from Carter.

*****

"Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, because it's okay to be a boy. But for boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you? What it feels like for a girl."

—Charlotte Gainsbourg, The Cement Garden

*****

"I'm not saying that hockey doesn't have it's merits, Jack, I'm just saying that it would be nice if you varied your viewing habits a bit. Maybe a documentary here, a game show there . . ."

"Hey, I watch The Simpsons!"

Daniel sighed and pushed the briefing room door open with a slight shake of his head. He loved spending time with Jack. As if to prove the old cliché 'Anything is possible,' they had grown to be good friends despite the glaringly obvious differences between them. As he stepped into the cool industrially furnished room, he reflected that all his teammates were complete opposites on the surface. Anyone who read their files would be hard pressed to believe they could carry on a conversation, much less save the world several times over. Perhaps it was because, underneath it all, they were essentially the same—same commitment to their jobs, same determination to expand the horizons of their people, same honest desire to see a day when all their hard work and perseverance finally paid off and the galaxy was free from the Goa'uld. He looked at Jack and wondered if he was thinking about the irony of their friendship, of their team, and of the forces that had brought them all together . . .

"What's that smell?"

Guess not.

Seeing the lone inhabitant sitting rigidly in the high-backed chair at the far corner of the table, Daniel's eyebrows shot up in a reasonably good imitation of the man in front of him. The scent of flowers and citrus overwhelmed him. Not to say it was an unpleasant smell, but the fact that it was emanating from their stoic companion was surreal to say the least. Exchanging a brief glance with Jack, he ventured tentatively, "Um, new cologne, Teal'c?"

As the chair swiveled to face them, Daniel was once again struck by the massive wall of muscle that made up the imposing exterior of his friend. But he had come to understand that the hard planes of his body were fragile in comparison with the mental and spiritual strength Teal'c commanded. With an expression that could have been anything from confusion to amusement, the Jaffa answered, "I am wearing no cologne, O'Neill. The fragrance you are smelling is a result of the candles I used to perform kelno'reem."

"Have the jarheads been messing with you again, Teal'c?"

Daniel was lost for a moment until he remembered an incident several months ago when Colonel Makepeace and his goons had given Teal'c a bright blue hat with Hottie written across the front in silver rhinestones. It had taken weeks to get all traces of the image in photographs and surveillance videos cleared out and nearly that long for him to explain to Teal'c that was not a hat he wanted to wear out in public . . . or private. Luckily, Jack was 2IC of the base or SG-3 probably would have had a picture blown up and put in the commissary for all to enjoy. To Daniel's knowledge, the only existing evidence of the event was a framed picture setting next to the hat on a shelf in Jack's bookcase at home.

"No, O'Neill. They were the only candles available at MajorCarter's home last night."

"Carter's? What were you doing at Carter's?"

"She invited me to spend the night and take part in a very enlightening Earth custom," Teal'c said, he face giving no clue as to the specifics of this 'enlightening Earth custom,' leaving them both to use their imaginations to fill in the details.

"You spent the night at Carter's?" The incredulity on Jack's face was apparent for all to see, but the glimmer of something else in his eyes was an element only Daniel would have noticed.

"Indeed."

Daniel opened his mouth but found that he hadn't the foggiest idea what to say so he shut it again with an audible snap.

"Why?"

Ah, Jack to the rescue, he mused. He supposed hell had just frozen over since Jack was the one who saved him from an awkward silence.

"MajorCarter is aware of my desire to learn more about the Tau'ri," he answered and Daniel began to wonder if Teal'c was intentionally being vague.

"And so she let you use her flowery candles in order for you better understand us?"

"Yes, all the unscented candles were used earlier—" he paused as if assure himself that what he was about to say was correct—"so as to not conflict with the lavender bubble bath."

If Jack's eyebrows had inched up anymore, they would have been on the back of his head. Daniel looked down at his hands, trying to remember if, in the twelve hours since he had last seen his friend, he had touched another quantum mirror. Nope . . .

Again, Jack filled the bewildered silence. "You took a bubble bath?"

A nod.

Finding his voice, Daniel added for clarification. "At Sam's?"

Another nod.

Getting more confused with each passing second, Jack finally asked the question that dominated both their minds. "Just what the hell kind of custom were you learning about, Teal'c?"

"I believe MajorCarter referred to it as 'Girl Talk.'"

"Girl talk," Jack said slowly. With a question in his eyes, he turned to Daniel and repeated, "Girl talk?"

"Don't look at me," Daniel said, holding his hands up in front of him as if to ward off any more questions. "Just because I speak 23 languages doesn't mean I know about 'girl talk.'"

"Indeed, DanielJackson," Teal'c agreed. "It seems that Tau'ri men do not understand much about their female companions."

"We might have just been insulted," Daniel stated in a deadpan voice.

"Ya think?"

"No insult was intended, DanielJackson. I, too, have found it difficult to relate to Tau'ri women. My studies have been hampered due to the limited quantity of females assigned to Stargate Command. That is why MajorCarter arranged a girl talk night for my benefit."

Impatient for more information, Jack waved his hand urging him to continue. "And . . ."

"It was enlightening."

"Umm, what specifically?" Daniel asked curiously. "What part?"

"Yeah, was it before or after the bubble bath?"

"O'Neill, are you feeling well? You are looking a little green," Teal'c asked solemnly.

Daniel looked over to their CO to confirm Teal'c's statement. He seemed fine this morning, Daniel reasoned. Sure, he was a little flushed but green? Green . . . "Was that a joke?"

"I'm gonna kill, Carter," Jack mumbled, running his hands wearily over his face. "First she sends Teal'c in smelling like a rose garden and to top it off she's projected her warped sense of humor onto him too."

Ignoring Jack, Daniel tried to restrain himself but in the end he couldn't help but ask, "Did she say anything about us?"

"DoctorFraiser commented that for such virile men, neither of you are very 'manly' when the time comes for injections."

Disbelief mingled with embarrassment and caused a blush to creep over Daniel's features. "Janet was there too?"

"And she called us virile, Danny," Jack said with a wiggle of his eyebrows, obviously pleased with the comment.

"And big babies when it's time for a shot in the butt," he felt obligated to point out.

"Well, there was that," Jack agreed with a shrug. "How come I've never been invited over for girl talk?"

Knowing the surprised expression on Teal'c's face was a more subdued copy of his own, he wasn't shocked when Jack immediately backpedaled, "Not that I'd want to! I was just wondering why it never came up before."

"Why what never came up before?" The picture of innocence, Major Samantha Carter waltzed into the room, quickly making her way to the seat next to Teal'c. Inhaling deeply, a languid smile spread on her face. "You smell great, Teal'c."

With a bow of his head, he responded, "Thank you, MajorCarter."

"Carter, is there something you'd like to share with us," Jack asked, feigning nonchalance.

Pausing from organizing her reports to think over his comment, she finally shook her head in a bemused fashion and replied, "No, sir."

"No, sir?"

Quickly glancing at Daniel for clues about this line of questioning, Sam examined her two friends across the table. "Yes, sir."

"Now we're getting somewhere," Jack said with a wry grin. "Please 'enlighten' us."

"I believe MajorCarter was merely responding to your inquiry," Teal'c supplied.

"It's too early in the morning for this," Jack mumbled. "Translation, Daniel?"

"She was saying yes sir, that her answer was no sir . . . I think," Daniel explained, the soft chuckle across from him calling an answering smile to his face.

Sighing, Jack finally said, "Carter, I'd like a word with you after the briefing."

"Is there a problem, sir?"

Taking pity on the target of the Colonel's attention, Daniel stated, "What Jack wants to know is why we weren't invited to your get together last night."

"You were. You said you'd talked Daniel into watching the hockey game with you," Carter reminded her CO.

"Well you didn't tell me there was going to be girl talk," he accused her as if she had withheld the secrets of the universe from him.

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that it would have made a difference." Daniel would never figure out how she managed to keep her tone respectfully serious when her eyes practically danced with silent laughter.

"I'm not saying it would," he retorted. "And for the record, I do not take bubble baths."

"That is unfortunate, O'Neill. They are very relaxing."

"From the mouths of babes," Daniel murmured as he fought the urge to roll on the floor laughing at the image of Teal'c taking a bubble bath.

Any further conversation was abruptly cut off when the General made his entrance. Giving them a look of apology and resignation he announced, "I have a phone conference with the Joint Chiefs in about one minute so I'll have to make this short. SG-1 you have a go. You leave at 0830, which gives you 10 minutes to get geared up and in the embarkation room. Good luck." With that, he was gone.

"Good morning to you too, sir," Jack said as the door to the General's office was closed without a backward glance. "Okay campers, move out."

Sam and Teal'c lead the way down the coordinator towards the armory. They were deep in conversation, so much so that they didn't notice their two teammates trying to catch snippets of their discussion as they readied for the next mission.

"MajorCarter, I am in need of 'polish remover' when we return."

"I'm not even going to ask," Daniel muttered.

"For cryin' out loud . . ."