If I Were A Different Person

"If I were a different person, would you have hit on me?"

"I understand what you're getting at Lemon." Jack seemed unfazed by the question. "There was a particularly youth-oriented priest in my childhood parish that went after everybody but me. Even Fat Ralph and he ate his boogers. I felt so unpretty."

"No, this isn't about appearance, Jack," Liz replied, sitting up. "Did nothing ever happen between us because I'm not fun?"

Jack sat up too. "Good god Lemon. Obviously our relationship, however you define it, mentor-mentee –"

"Sister-ployee-work-oracle," Liz interjected.

"– Is more interesting than some dating scenario, and obviously to ruin what we have with a tawdry, yet expert, sexual encounter would have been a mistake." His point was valid and he was completely genuine; it was evident that he had thought that that much had always been clear; that there was no point in pressing the issue.

"Obviously, but is it the kind of mistake that I should have made?" Liz was determined to press the issue.

Jack gave her an odd look.

"Tracy told me I haven't lived," she admitted.

"You're allowing Tracy to criticize your life choices, Tracy Jordan?" Jack's voice was incredulous and more than mildly condescending.

"But he's right, I haven't done anything impulsive, ever. I don't have any tattoos, or broken bones; I've never been high, except for that choir trip to Montreal where I accidentally ate a pound of marijuana."

"Also maybe I was never attracted to you because you're the kind of person who finds a way to talk about herself while lying in my dead mother's bed," he said sharply.

"Wow. Okay, well for the record it's mutual. I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to be with a middle-aged man with crippling mommy issues."

Jack gets up off the bed. "First of all, it's champing at the bit, horses champ. And second Lemon, just take a look at yourself. You lash out at everyone the second you feel threatened; you have the dress sense of a nun at Sears; and every person in your life takes a back seat to food. You want to know why nothing ever happened between us, and why you've had trouble keeping any man your entire life? Then maybe you should consider that."

Jack wasn't expecting the look that followed. It was like all the fight had drained out of her. Lemon just looked… hurt. There was silence for a moment.

"Hey Jack, remember when you first offered to be my mentor? You asked me what tragedy happened in my life that I insisted upon punishing myself with all this mediocrity. Do you still wanna know?"

"What?" Jack was taken aback by the conversation's change of direction.

"All that stuff you just said, you're right. And there's a reason I'm like that. I'm just wondering if you wanna know what it is."

"Okay," he said slowly, sounding slightly wary. He motioned for her to proceed.

"I did used to be fun-ish, you know when I was younger. I dressed nice and I had friends and I let them take me out to parties sometimes. Then at one party in freshman year, a boy decided he liked me. And he didn't really care that I didn't like him back. And he dragged me into the bathroom, and did… swimsuit area… stuff. And my friends… well it turns out they weren't such great friends. So yeah, I lash out. I didn't want to let people in and get close to me, and then it was just habit. And yeah, I don't dress so well anymore. But you know what, Jack? I am comfortable. And it took me a long time to be comfortable in anything after that. I guess what I'm trying to say is," she paused for a second, taking a deep breath, "I'm sorry." And she broke down in tears.

"My god, Lemon. I – I'm so sorry." He took her into his arms and she cried into his chest. "What reason do you have to apologise? It's not your fault."

"But what if it is, Jack? I was fourteen; I shouldn't have even been at that party. I didn't really know anyone, so I wanted to go home, but I didn't. I could have said something or done something to stop it. But I didn't. When he pinned me down I just kinda froze up. I couldn't get my voice to work. So I didn't even say 'no'."

Making a mental note to return to the topic of Lemon's culpability, or lack thereof, later, Jack decided to probe gently. "You said he did swimsuit area stuff. Would you tell me what exactly that is?" he asked sympathetically. He was certain he didn't want to know, but he wasn't sure she'd ever had anyone to really talk to about this, and lord only knows bottling it up couldn't be healthy for someone like her.

"Please don't make me say it, Jack."

"Are you sure?"

She paused, sniffing. "Well he um… when we got to the bathroom he… uh he took my clothes off, and his pants." Her words word disjointed, as if she didn't know how they should go together. "He forced open my mouth. And when he was done, he got on top of me and…" She shook her head, mouthing I can't.

"I got it, okay," Jack said patiently. "And how did your friends react?"

"Well after that I didn't have any," Liz replied shortly. "They called me a slut, and a whore, and I reacted. But I didn't want it, Jack, I promise I didn't want it, I was fourteen!" She shook her head again. "He just did it anyway. I'm not a whore."

Jack noted that it sounded almost like a question, the way she said it. "Indeed, Lemon, you are not. There are a lot of words I could use to describe you, but whore is most definitely not one of them. And in any case, what he did to you, against your will, doesn't count."

She raised her head to face him, looking him in the eyes for the first time since she apologised for something unidentifiable to him. "But why not? I could have done more to stop it, I should have done more to stop it, so… why not?"

His heart broke at her tone of voice. She unshakably believed what she was saying. "Because you are a person. You have the right to choose whom you have sex with. And you did not choose him. Any man who has to resort to forcing himself on a woman is a coward and doesn't deserve sex to begin with."

"Can you please stop using that word?"

"Sex? Lemon, what happened to you wasn't sex. That was rape."

"Yeah, please don't use that word either."