Kid Flash was a sex symbol.

Wally had been forced to deal with this startling and somewhat disturbing concept ever since he first reached puberty and developed an interest in the opposite sex.

With the lean physique, tight clothing and heroic reputation, there weren't many a girl in Central City who wasn't attracted to him. There were fansites and blogs dedicated entirely to pictures of him.

Granted, there were others entirely that were dedicated to pictures of him and Robin together but that was a totally different trauma.

Anyway, the point was that Kid Flash was a sex symbol. But, once he took off the mask, Wally West was not.

He was too pale. His freckles were out of control. He wasn't that tall. His scars were freaky. His nose had healed just a little off-centre after one too many face-plants into a wall. And, well, he kind of sucked at talking to girls.

Kid Flash had no problem with that. He could flirt like a modern day Casanova with anyone who caught his eye and who cared if he got rejected? More often than not he had just saved the girl in question from mortal peril and he was gone by the time she'd actually caught her breath anyway.

But Wally had to actually wait for a response. Waiting was something he was terrible at. And if she said 'no', Wally had to deal with it.

Wally wasn't very good at dealing with stuff either.

The point was, Wally had never quite been the Ladies Man he wished to be. And now that he'd officially joined a Host Club, he wasn't the Ladies Man he was expected to be.

He was pretty sure that that was going to be a pretty major crimp in the plan.

And then there was the uniform to contend with.

Despite appearances, the Kid Flash uniform was much less revealing than one might think. The thing was almost half an inch of kevlar at its thinnest point and incorporated several safety features such as a good degree of padding and a cup that kept Wally's modesty safely under wraps.

For a superhero, particularly one as physical as himself, anything less was just asking for pain.

The Green Lantern uniform the Host Club had supplied him with was a mockery. It was skin-tight. Actually, Wally was pretty sure that, given the amount of squeezing he'd had to go through just to get into the stupid thing, it was tighter than that.

He'd always thought capes were stupid. He'd seen them as an accessory that was guaranteed to snag on something and result in a broken neck and, as such, not the best thing for a speedster to wear. Fine, he supposed, for an indestructible Kryptonian or a man who made use of fear, misdirection and intimidation in battle, but highly impracticable for one such as he. But, exposed as he was, he now saw their true value.

Kyoya was rather content in his uniform, his glasses foregone and his cape draped in such a way as to cover his entire body, which Wally could only assume was donned in a uniform just as tight as his own that Batman would never wear. The man never went out in anything less than full armour plating.

Mori was also content. Not that he had anything to hide with his own cape billowing majestically in the slight breeze of the fan Tamaki had positioned for just that purpose. Honey ran between him and Kyoya, completely unashamed in his childish tunic, speedo and booties combo (a mockery of Robin's uniform that Wally would never let Dick forget) and giggling all the while as his cape flew out behind him.

Hikaru and Kaoru were posing to one another in their matching red and green outfits, each loading arrows into their bows and seeking out targets within the room. So far they had yet to actually shoot anything, but Wally had learned enough about them to suspect that it was only a matter of time.

Tamaki, meanwhile, was posing proudly in his Atlantean themed armour, a trident in his grip as he was given the chance to portray the King he saw himself as. Wally figured if he packed a bit more muscle on and grew a beard, he'd actually make a pretty convincing double for Arthur.

And, finally, Haruhi. Wally's green ensemble was fitting giving the envy he felt towards hers. A finely cut tuxedo, complete with white gloves and a top hat. It might have been a little morbid, given the fact that Nabu had stolen Mr. Zatara's body only months before, but the public was never made aware of that and Wally was alone in his discomfort. He just wished he had the same level of covering.

"Not bad," Renge had conceded upon her examination of them all. Why exactly she was currently dressed as Wonder Woman was something known only to herself. "You almost look like a superhero, West-senpai."

"...thanks."

When the doors were opened and the clients entered, Wally found himself swarmed.

Although the majority of the young women remained true to their regular Hosts, there were still a number who were all too willing to try something new.

Or, they were at first...

Wally tried. He really did. He'd seen the other guys in action and almost all of them had given him some 'Hosting Tips' in the days previous, but none of it was doing any good.

He stumbled over his wording and forgot the lines he had been assured were idiotproof. Even when he did remember them, he barely understood the flowery language and failed to deliver them properly. He was never sure which of the girls who had scheduled him to address and mixed up their names besides. When they asked for stories about his childhood with the Twins, his halfhearted tales of camping trips failed to impress.

All in all, he was being a very disappointing Host.

Tamaki was not impressed. Kyoya even less so, given that the likelihood of him having to offer a refund seemed imminent. Honey was distracted by his sweets, but Mori felt a pang of sympathy. Perhaps the Hero-type simply needed a 'Lovely Item' as well.

Haruhi perhaps would have been sympathetic if Wally had been forced into the position, as she had. Instead she could only wonder why he'd chosen to join the Club of his own free will.

Renge was feeling somewhat vindicated, but she wasn't all that happy about it.

Hikaru and Kaoru were mortified.

"This is embarrassing," Hikaru muttered, he and his brother just far enough from their guests that they wouldn't be heard while they picked out a new blend for the tea. "Why did we think this was a good idea again?"

Kaoru shrugged. Truthfully, they'd never thought that far ahead when they'd decided to claim West-senpai as their estranged brother. At the time they'd thought it'd be a funny day or two. They didn't expect Tamaki-senpai to get quite so attached to the idea and make a Host out of the American commoner.

"He's going to give us a bad name," Hikaru continued. "We need to put a stop to this, before..."

The Twins winced as one, almost forcing themselves to look away when West spilled his teapot over his guests.

"Before that happens?" Kaoru finished lamely.

"Well," Hikaru turned contemplative, gesturing with the bow in his hand towards West as he stood up and scrambled to hand the girls napkins to dab at the stains. "We could always..."

"Hmm," Kaoru did not disagree, simply continuing to observe as Hikaru drew an arrow with red fletching from the quiver on his back. Placing it into position, he drew back the bow.

The arrows were tipped with rubber, since Kyoya didn't trust them with live weapons. He was right not to, of course, but they still flew with considerable force. Had the arrow been aimed properly, at worst it might have fractured someone's skull. It could definitely poke someone's eye out. Aiming for the body, it would cause some bruising, but not much besides.

But Hikaru wasn't aiming properly. For all that he looked good with a bow in his arms, he'd never shot one in his life and was playing it entirely by ear. Kaoru decided it might be a bad idea all too late.

When he released his grip on the bowstring, at the same moment Kaoru released a shouted order to stop, the arrow was destined to land hard in the back of one of West's last remaining clients.

And then something altogether spectacular happened.

Wally moved.

Tendo Mayumi dabbed desperately at her dress, trying and failing to use a napkin to prevent the tea from staining the material. Her latest excursion to the Host Club was not going the way she had hoped.

Normally the boys were all so charming! Hikaru and Kaoru in particular were always so flirtatious… Mayumi had hoped that their brother would be similar.

But no. Instead he had a Yankee accent, a dull attitude and couldn't even keep her name straight. Mayumi was hesitant to say if he even looked good in his cosplay given the way he remained hunched over on himself the whole time.

And then he'd spilled the tea and now she'd have to get another dress.

Forced to stand to get at the worst of the stain, Mayumi froze at the sound of Kaoru's cry, head turning too slowly to see.

All she knew was a blur of motion and force as a pair of strong arms encircled her tightly, sweeping her off balance, but supporting her nonetheless as she was pressed against a solid body. A masculine grunt sounded around her and her body was wracked by an impact, but she could not feel the source.

It was all over in less than a second. Mayumi opened her eyes and felt her heart flutter at the sight that greeted her.

Wallace-senpai (Wally, he'd insisted). Looking down at her, concern shining in emerald green eyes that so perfectly matched his domino mask, even as his brow was furrowed in pain.

"Are you okay, Mayumi?"

The sound of a wooden arrow clacking against the floor echoed in the otherwise silent room.

Wally breathed deeply, managing the pain of an arrow to the back as he held the girl (Mayumi? That was her name, right? Please don't let him get the name wrong...) in his arms. He'd heard Kaoru's cry and turned just in time to see Hikaru firing his bow. All of a millisecond was dedicated to determining the flight path before he burst into action, taking the girl into his arms as he put himself between her and he arrow.

Had he been permitted to make use of his true speed, that wouldn't have been required. It would've been so much easier if he could just catch the damn thing, but most people don't have those kinds of reflexes. He'd be pushing things enough already just to block it.

Wally took the arrow to the back, which blossomed into pain just below his left shoulder blade. It bounced off, but mother of science did that hurt. This costume offered no protection!

And then he looked down into the girl's eyes.

"Are you okay, Mayumi?"

There was a hush throughout the room, but Wally only saw the girl nod meekly as he slowly brought her back to a standing position, his hands guiding her at her shoulder and waist.

His eyes shined with concern as she assured him she was okay and he promised to make it up to her in just a moment... his eyes blazed with fury as he turned them on the twins.

He strode towards them with his muscles tight in preparation for what was to come, offering quite the view to the clients in the room as he tensed in his skintight costume. Hikaru and Kaoru stood frozen in shock, Hikaru still holding the bow and Kaoru still leaning on his brother's shoulders in his failed attempt to stop him.

Quick as a whip, Wally's hand snaked out to tear the bow from Hikaru's arms. Without a word he lifted it high in both hands and brought it down over his knee, shattering it into pieces. Tossing the two halves aside, he glared into Hikaru's eyes.

"Kyoya," he spoke clearly, his voice reverberating throughout the room as his gaze never left Hikaru. "The Twins are not to be given weapons ever again. I don't care if it's inflatable clubs, they don't go anywhere near them. Understood?"

"Perfectly," was Kyoya's sound reply.

"Wonderful," Wally snatched Kaoru's bow from his slackened grip as he turned back to face his clients.

"Here," he nodded in deference as he offered the bow to Mayumi. "I am so sorry about my brothers. Sometimes, they get a little…"

He searched for a word, almost settling on 'insane' but a glance in Kyoya's direction showed him the other boy mouthing a very specific word. Wally frowned, hesitating for half a second, before saying what Kyoya directed.

"Sometimes they get… jealous," he explained to Mayumi and his other two clients. "I guess I haven't been spending enough time with them since I got here."

There was a flutter as the base temperature of his audience went up by a good five degrees.

Dick trusted Wally with his life. In battle, the only person he trusted more was Bruce. When it came to food, the only person he trusted more was Alfred. When it came to academics there was no one Dick considered to be a higher authority (excepting History and Literature of course).

Dick had known Wally for almost four years now, and he trusted him with everything. With his identity, his deepest insecurities, who he liked… stuff that not even Bruce knew! (Alfred, of course, knew all… unfortunately).

But the one thing that Dick could not trust… was Wally around girls. Well, that's not entirely true. Dick did trust Wally… to make a fool of himself. Every time.

He did it with Miss Martian. He did it with Artemis. He'd done it Black Canary and Wonder Woman and even random girls on the street. He flirted. He failed at it. He got self-conscious and anxious and paranoid and, well, made a fool of himself.

Now, Dick could admit that it wasn't entirely Wally's fault. After the experiment when he was twelve, he'd been pulled from school for almost six months until he'd gotten his newfound speed under control. And after he got back, well, he had to spend most of his time either training to be Kid Flash, actually being Kid Flash or, in his free time, hanging out in Gotham with his new, totally awesome best friend.

Adding in the fact that Wally had decided to protect his secret ID by playing the dork to the nth degree and the end result was that he was a complete non-entity at his high school. Meaning that he then spent the next three years only really interacting with girls as Kid Flash…

So… not a great way to learn social interaction.

And now? Now Dick couldn't trust that Wally would do his job in the Host Club. He was already majorly stressed about being under such close scrutiny from their targets that adding a school's worth of pretty girls was a recipe that could only spell disaster.

There was a reason why it had been Dick's job to infiltrate the Club. And after Wally's freakout after his first appearance, well, it was Dick's duty to go in there and try and smooth things over.

Thus, his current course of action.

Join the Host Club!

"No thank you."

Dick blinked owlishly. This had not been his plan. "…what?"

"While I understand your desire to join our noble ranks, young squire," Tamaki Suoh delivered his lines as though he were performing Shakespeare upon the world's stage. "But I can only mentor so many lost souls, and with my attention already so desperately needed by the commoners, my dearest Haruhi and the Hitachiin's beloved West-kun, I am afraid that I have none to spare for one such as you, who lacks even a proper character archetype to call your own."

"But fear not, my young friend," he continued. "If your heart is pure and you persevere, then one day I may well take you under my wing and allow you to call me 'king'."

Dick shifted a little uncomfortably, before glancing around Suoh to see the remainder of the Host Club behind him all watching on with varying degrees of interest. Otori seemed the least distracted, even with the bulk of his attention taken by his laptop, whilst Morinozuka paid him absolutely no mind while whispering something to the younger-looking Haninozuka who… was glaring fiercely in Dick's direction?

Fujioka seemed completely uninterested as she kept her eyes on the notebook Wally had lent her (one he had brought from America so that she could practice her English skills) and Wally himself… gaped, open mouthed, in completely undisguised horror.

And the twins?

"In other words, American," one of them intoned smugly. "We've already got a Boy-Lolita."

"And the Naughty-Boy type really didn't work out too well the last time we tried it," the other continued. "Maybe you could've been a Foreigner…"

"But now we've got Wally for that," the first finished, gesturing towards the seated American in their midsts.

Realisation dawned as Dick Grayson felt the truth of it all rush in on him all at once. Wally was right. This group was completely and utterly insane.

Oh… how was he going to explain this to Batman?