"Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser to Master Hand's office." There was the amplified sound of a scratched mic, and then again, in the same electronic, booming voice: "Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser to my office, right now."

That was the first announcement of the day as Ness, Yoshi, Captain Falcon, and Samus finalized their plan that was to take effect from the moment they left the room to the end of the day. The room was cleaner than the abhorrent state Samus had found it in when she had first stepped in, the result of the mistress's rather abusive command for the current owner of her body to tidy up, a command that even extended itself to the other two visitors to her room. With the floor free of fallen beddings, littered lipsticks, and strewn stockings, the Smashers now had ample space to sit their bottoms down and enter lengthy, heated discussions on the do's and don't's for the day, as well as to appreciate the simple but pleasing aesthetics of the room that was Samus's abode: Light, inoffensive orange-painted walls, a color almost exactly the same as that sported by her Varia Suit. The wall directly in front of the cobalt-blue desk was adorned with the latest reports issued by the Galactic Federation, atmospheric pictures of blue and violet and dusty-red planets and their pet moons, bounties of Space Pirates that were the latest targets of the great authority in the Metroid universe. Other than that, the walls were devoid of inhabitants, with the exception of a single picture of a drawing, a childish depiction of a stick-bodied, smiling girl, flanked by crudely geometric figures of what seemed to be her bird parents, all three of whom were gazing at a splendid gem of light.

Fine art, but it was nothing, at least in complexity, compared to the true masterpiece that was Samus's ceiling: Pitch-black, like the vast, infinite oceans of outer space. Because it was space – when light turned to night and there was nothing but darkness, the ceiling turned into an observatory for the billions and billions of specks of stars, spheres of planets and moons, the occasional chunks of comets and asteroids that flew in their invisible orbits, all drawn with the advanced technology of Chozo paint that was invisible in the presence of light and opaque in the absence of it. She had spent six months on it, painstakingly painting on the ceiling each and every element of the photograph she had taken during one of her interstellar expeditions, a picture studied for so long that it was burned into her brain. And at the grand end of it all she could lie in her bed, every night, teleported magically to one of those sterile moments of tranquility and bliss in her Gunship, and gaze through the ceiling-turned-windshield to lose herself in the celestial wonders of a universe that had, amidst the chaos and the mayhem of its birth, created everlasting moments of art and beauty, all of which transcended the scope of space and time to impart an impression of eternity and insignificance and dread and wonder to all who looked up, up, and up.

Of course, it only worked in the hours of darkness, and Samus caught herself instinctively looking up for the seventh time, expecting stars but seeing blank white. The denied feelings of calm only further accentuated her annoyance at Ness's defiance, and she felt her long tongue free itself from her mouth in the wake of frustration.

"Why do I have to be the only one to look for the Manaphy?" he was ranting, although she had given her justification three times prior. "You and Falcon don't have anything to do until the evening, either!"

"A, because it was you who caused this great heart swap in the first place," Samus snarled, stopping briefly to wipe a thick drop of dinosaur spit from her knee, "and B, because I need to lecture this buffoon here on the proper conduct and behavior of any self-respecting lady – which he should damn well start acting like one!" Samus added as she swatted away Falcon's arm to free what was rightfully her finger from the pit of what was rightfully her left nostril.

Falcon shrugged as he wiped against the blanket that was currently wrapped around his body as his only form of concealment, a beautiful patchwork quilt lovingly embroidered with various Morph Balls, all boasting a different color in the rainbow spectrum. "All men do it."

"You're not a man now!" Samus yelled.

"Samus," Yoshi interjected, "what about me?"

"What about you?"

"I mean – what about my lecture on the proper conduct and behavior of a good dinosaur boyfriend to the ninja frog Pokémon lover of his dreams?"

"Yoshi, I said we'll do it at five-thirty. Were you even listening to me?"

"I know what you said, I just don't agree with it," Yoshi said, maintaining the same level of calm as before, though he was sorely tempted to match the volume of annoyance that was clearly straining his usually-happy-go-lucky voice. "I think it's going to take a lot longer than an hour and thirty minutes for you to fully understand and comprehend my body and my relationship with Greninja. Now, according to Ness, my stuff will take about – about – how long again?"

"Two hours, tops," Ness said, wiggling his fingers inside the waxy smooth constraints of the racer's gloves.

"Which means I end at three. I – I really think we should meet then, just so you have a clear understanding of – you know, things like what to say and what not to do, so you don't accidentally offend Greninja or make her suspect something's wrong." Yoshi took a deep intake of breath. "Please?"

Samus shook her head. "Yoshi. Whatever you have to say and teach me, I can get in an hour. This – your body, whatever lovey-dovey relationship you share with Greninja – no offense, but it's all simple to me. Beasts like you and her share nowhere near the emotional and intellectual depth us humans are burdened with, trust me. Compared to what we have to go through, this is a cakewalk."

Silence. He didn't know what he found worse – the implications of the words, or the careless indifference with which she had said them. For a brief instant the teenage boy hands became tight fists in the pockets where he kept them, release for the burning squirms of fury that gnawed at his tongue.

When he let go, his voice only trembled slightly. "You don't know that."

Samus smirked. "Don't I?" She bent in close, her giant nose mere inches from his, and Yoshi felt a bizarre desire to slap his own face. "Let me ask you, Yoshi. Have you ever been a woman?"

"N-no."

"Well, I have. I was one, right before you and Ness messed everything up. And guess what? I'm a Yoshi now. So trust me when I say that I know these things, way better than you ever will." She sat back up again, and, with the same tone as before, said, "I can feel the difference. And let me assure you, Falcon's going to need more time to learn the intricate workings of the female sex than I am to be a simple dinosaur for a day."

Yoshi felt as though nastiness could spew from his mouth if he ever dared opened it, but was spared from the knowledge of finding out whatever he could say in response as Ness, with one look at the Metroid-themed clock on the wall, sprung up from the floor. "Yoshi, it's noon. We should get going."

"Yeah… Yeah." Yoshi swallowed, an egg of a lump passing down his throat as he, too, stood himself up, lost his balance, fell down, and stood up again, slower this time. He gave Samus a bit of a hardened stare; then, with a shrug and a sigh, felt the stiffness of the anger release from his muscles and his nerves. She probably didn't mean it the way he thought it meant. He was, in all likelihood, overthinking this. And looking at Falcon, perhaps she was even right. He seemed far more likely to royally screw up Samus's life than she was to screw up his. Perhaps it wasn't wrong, that teaching Falcon required far more time and dedication than learning from him.

As they were about to turn to leave, Falcon suddenly groaned and collapsed, chest-first, onto the floor.

"Falcon? What are you doing?" Samus said sharply as Falcon gripped his stomach through the fabric with a tight hand.

"Ooooooohhh," he groaned. "Uuuuunnnggghhhh…" He gurgled a little bit, before taking a breath to reply, "I – I'm getting cramps all of a sudden. I – I don't know why – I was feeling fine just minutes ago…" He rattled in another gulp of air, and then began blubbering, "and – and I feel so sad. So depressed. Like that time when I found out that Peach wasn't winking at me because she wanted to have an affair with Mario for me, but because she had dust in her eye." Another breath. Then, "Oh sweet Antonio Guster, it fucking hurts!"

Samus was only confused for a second. She blinked. She blinked again. Then an inkling of understanding diffused through the panic, and she looked up at the calendar. She marked today's date. She did a quick mental calculation. Then a grin began to stretch like a splitting seam across her cheeks, and within seconds she was on her back, tail wagging, as she rolled and howled with joy.

"What's happening?" Ness blurted out, he and Yoshi growing more confused by the second.

"Hahahaha HA!" Samus laughed until she choked, coughing violently and causing her tongue to shoot out from her mouth and slap the floor as she heaved her lungs with air. For the first time, she didn't mind the anomalies of her alien anatomy as she stilled her breathing, calmed herself down, and then rasped, with a smile so starkly different from the perpetual frown she had on the whole day, "Oh, don't – don't mind him. Fal – Falcon's about to find out why women are the stronger sex." She sat up and patted the quilted back of her former self. "Our first-time lady here is going to experience all the joys and wonders of having a period!"

Yoshi cocked his head. "I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" Samus giggled, as Falcon attempted to sit himself back up, only to retch slightly and bend over with a doubly-intensified cramp.

"Why will Falcon experience a… a punctuation mark for the first time? Doesn't he get them all the time when he's writing and stuff?"

"I don't think Falcon writes much, if you ask me," Ness chimed in.

"You get my point."

"She's not taking about that kind of period, dude."

"No, I'm not," Samus affirmed as she walked over to the dresser and opened the second row of drawers. "The period I'm talking about, Yoshi, is what we call a biological process that involves the discharge of excess uterus lining and blood, a very natural occurrence that all healthy women go through." She hummed softly as she took out an opened box of what seemed to advertise cylinders of white, soft cotton capped off with a gentle hemisphere; then, remembering that Ness and Yoshi were still in the room, she quickly wheeled around, hiding the package behind her back. She said sternly, "shouldn't you two be getting somewhere?"

Yoshi looked relieved and satisfied as Ness turned to face the door. "So it's basically like the human version of a Purge?" he quipped.

"Yeah, it – wait, what?" It was Samus's turn to be confused as her smile slowly pulled itself back into a perplexed frown. "A Purge? What's that?"

"Oh, it's basically the Yoshi version of what you just described. Yoshis eat a lot of crap – no surprise, given our appetite. So usually, once a month, our body does this automatic cleansing thing where we purge all the pollutants and toxins and other bad shit from our body. We poop out this giant, black, rotting egg." A smile began to pull the ends of his lips as he saw, to an even greater sense of satisfaction, that the smile that had previously stretched across Samus's Yoshi face was all but gone, replaced by the universal look of abject horror as lower jaw inched closer and closer to chest.

"Wh – what?" she squeaked weakly.

"Yeah, it can get pretty painful." Yoshi grinned, and, recognizing the perfect moment of revenge, turned to follow Ness out the door with closing words of dread: "Y'know, call it a crazy coincidence, but I think the day of my Purge just might be today. Hmmm. Not looking like such a cakewalk anymore, is it?"

And, with a final, ominous smirk, Yoshi closed the door behind him, leaving Samus wide-eyed and open-mouthed throughout Falcon's groans of "The pain, the pain!"

A/N: Final chapter from me for the month of March! And unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though I'll be able to post anything during the month of April, either. In other words, I'm entering a month-long hiatus :( Sorry folks, but I swear I'll make it up to everyone with lots and lots of chapters of Apple of My Eye and The Great Heart Swap during the glorious months of summer vacay!

Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can guess when exactly in May I'll be posting the next chapter! And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the last Bonus Internet cookie. I'm planning to give it out along with the next one!