Characters (in order of appearance): Cross, Lin Lee Koo, Tatsu, Elma, Gwin Evans, Irina Akulov, Frye Christoph, Doug Barrett, Kentaro Nagi, Lara Nara

Summary: Team Elma have an urgent mission; retrieve a very drunk Irina from the diner and stop Gwin from kissing everyone.

Warnings: Spoilers for the whole game. Also, if you don't like reading drunk people, this isn't the fic for you.

I was gonna call this 'shaganigans' but there's no actual sex so. nah. I just ended up stealing a line of lyrics from 'your voice'.

games with vocal tracks are great. you can take fic titles from their songs in an attempt to appear deep and meaningful.

that's what I do at any rate. is it working.

also nagi sort of took over this fic I'm sorry.

at laovely ass punclub: I'm very sorry that there's no actual… gwinrina… it's off-screen and very brief DOES THAT COUNT OR NOT.

hey! look! lao isn't a main character! who knew I had it in me.

They had been watching a film when Cross's comm device chirped. With a shrug at their companions, Cross flapped their hand about in the general direction of their device, grinning when they grasped it in their fingers. Elma was regarding them with steely eyes and crossed arms.

Lin paused the movie with a yawn and placed the remote on Tatsu's snoozing head. The four of them were crashing at Sharon's house - no one dared to question how she had her own house - but she was out for the night, no doubt jeering on another ten or so fights. She was nice, really, but Cross found it quite amusing that they were the only one who really got to see that side.

Elma coughed.

Right, the phone. They must have been spending too much time with Phog.

Cross tapped the answer button and held out the device. Lin leant over their shoulder with a curious 'ooh'.

"Who is it?"

Gwin. It was rare for him to call. When the screen flickered on, his face appeared panicked and – was he at the diner?

"Oh, man, am I glad to see you-"

"I'm NOT DRUNK!" slurred a loud voice in the background. She sounded familiar-

"Hey, Gwin!" Lin said with a small wave. "What's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up-"

"I'VE ONLY HAD TWENTY PINTS!"

Frye's face popped up behind Gwin. He looked exhausted, scratching at the hideous scar on his right cheek. "If I'd known I'd be paying for this many drinks-"

"I didn't know she'd drink so much!" Gwin yelled. He waved a hand about vaguely in Frye's direction. "Keep an eye on her!"

"Kid, gimme one good reason-"

"She's our boss!"

Frye opened his mouth, shut it, and then sighed. "Good point," he muttered, and had thundered away a few seconds later.

Cross, needless to say, was very lost.

"Irina got drunk," Gwin whispered, as though they were top-secret spies. "Like, really drunk."

"AM NOT-"

"Whoa, Lieutenant, stay away from the secretary's shots-"

Nagi was there?

"Not his – ours!"

"He's the one that paid for it, of course it's – oh my God."

There was a deafening splash!

"I think Frye is having a meltdown," Gwin said, looking older than his twenty-four years. "We, uh. I'd really, really hate to ruin your night, but..."

"You need us to come and pick up Irina," Lin muttered, somehow sounding equal parts delighted and subdued. "I, um. All right."

"I actually tried calling Doug earlier, but – he had a few drinks and now he won't stop crying."

Lin blinked. "Wait, what?"

"ThanksI'llpayyouback-"

The line went dead.

The three of them turned to each other. Tatsu let out a soft snore and flattened his head against the sofa edge – the remote somehow stayed on his head.

Elma was the first to move. With a quiet sigh, she pushed herself off the sofa and grabbed a jacket. "Let's go," she said.

"Whoa whoa whoa." Lin put her hands up in the air. Elma turned to look at her. "We can't all go. First of all? I'm underage!"

"Lin."

"Also, we have no idea on what's going on!"

"Irina is a bad drunk." That was all Elma needed to say.

Cross stood up, and with a nod at Lin, made for the front door.

"Are you kiddin' me?" Lin groaned, crossing her arms. She gave Tatsu a light kick in his side, not enough to hurt him, and had him in an impressive piggyback position by the time the three of them had locked up for the night.

"All right, team," Elma said, turning around with a hand on her hip. "We have a new mission; retrieve Irina from the diner."

Cross nodded.

They pushed open the doors to the Diner. Nagi was at the bar, his arms crossed, regarding the scene in front of him with an air of solemnity equal to that of a funeral. Cross ambled over to him.

He glanced up at them, face perfectly straight – Cross knew this as the expression Nagi made when he was trying very hard not to burst into laughter. "Ah, hello, Cross." He gave a stiff nod, eyes never moving. "Did Evans call you?"

They nodded, remembered that Nagi couldn't see them nod, and frowned.

"He did," Elma said, hand on her hip. "He said that Irina was... drunk?"

"Very much so." Nagi frowned. "She had a drinking competition with Christoph."

"Oh," Elma whispered.

"'Oh' indeed." Nagi shifted on his stool, just a little, but enough that Cross could catch the smile lightening his eyes. "Nothing serious, I'm certain, but it is better to be safe than sorry."

"If you don't mind my asking, why are you here?"

Nagi gave Elma a sideways glance that would freeze most people solid. "I see no reason to answer that question. Why can't a secretary come along and have a drink every now and again?"

Much to Cross's surprise, Elma gave a small smile. "You knew about their drinking contest, didn't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Lin giggled. "Sure you don't."

"Ms. Koo, please."

At that moment, Gwin staggered up to them, looking whiter than any ghost Cross had ever imagined. He was scrubbing at his lips with a fist, looking as though he was repeatedly punching himself.

"I'm going to die," he whispered. "I'm going to die."

"Hello, Evans."

"O-oh!" Gwin snapped to attention. "Mister Secretary!" He paused, and then seemed to deflate, arms sagging at his side. "Yeah, I'm still gonna die."

"It can't be that bad," Lin offered, shifting on her heels.

"Irina kissed me."

You could hear a tumbleweed blow in the silence that followed.

Cross chanced a glance over to Nagi. He was biting his lip, eyes shut as he turned away from the rest of them (he was trying not to laugh. Again). They then looked at Elma, who had the incredibly rare expression of 'I am genuinely speechless', her face twisted into some kind of confused sneer.

"Wait what!?" Lin yelled. Tatsu tumbled off her back, but carried on snoozing. "She kissed you!?"

"No need to sound so surprised," Gwin mumbled, rubbing at his neck. "But, uh, yeah. She did."

"She's also very drunk and probably can't think straight." Elma's eyes narrowed into slits. "Where is she?"

"Um, Frye should be looking after her."

"Good." Elma crossed her arms. "Tell us what happened."

"Oh, about the kiss? It was – it was really bad, to be honest? Her breath stank and, uh – I think she thought that I was Leon? They used to always give each other family kisses-"

"Gwin."

"O-oh, not about the kiss? All right."

Elma rested a hand on her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath.

Cross spotted Nagi's shoulders shaking with laughter.

"Gwin, who all is here tonight?"

"Um, there's me – obviously-"

"Gwin."

"-Ummm, Irina, Frye, Secretary Nagi, and Doug. Hope left a while ago. I think?"

"That's good enough." Elma patted Cross's shoulder. "Rook, go and find Doug. He's not an easy man to cheer up."

Cross nodded, and ambled over to near the bathrooms to do just that. They passed Frye on the way. He was grappling with a furious Prone – he gave a wave at Cross, and was promptly got smashed in the cheek by the Prone. She gave an almighty holler and stumbled away, while Frye just stood there, rubbing at his cheek and looking more than a little awed.

…Someone was getting kinkshamed tomorrow.

Doug was slumped in a corner booth, an impressive array of empty bottles scattered over the table. There was a Ma-non sitting next to him, letting out soft little snores and looking as comfortable as someone with their head on the table could look.

"Oh, don't worry, dear," purred a male voice from behind them. Cross turned around, smiling when they caught the eye of Lara Nara. He gave them a wink as he approached, hand on his hip. "Most of those bottles? The Ma-non drank them - and she was such a cutie while doing so as well!" His smile turned sharp, like a serpent. "Pretty boy over there only had about, hmmmm, half a bottle?"

Cross raised their eyebrows.

"I know. He's a lightweight, who knew?" He twirled his finger about absently in the air. "I was keeping an eye on 'em, but now that someone as devilishly attractive as you is here, I'll leave you to it." Lara Nara patted their shoulder with a kind smile. "Look after him, would you? I'll take the Ma-non with me."

Cross nodded.

"Glad to hear it, sweetie. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a fight to break up just outside. Toodleloo!"

Lara Nara cradled the snoring Ma-non in his arms and left with a flourish. Cross swore that they saw him wink at Nagi.

Nagi winked back.

Struggling to contain their laughter, Cross reached out a hand to the comatose Doug. They clamped his shoulder and gave a firm shake.

They had settled in the seat next to him just as he groaned and opened his eyes.

"Cross?" he murmured, voice raspy.

They nodded.

"Oh man." With a loud thump, his head smacked the top of the booth. "I just-" He gave a sniffle, smile straining. "-Hear me out, buddy."

Cross got comfortable.

Lin was rubbing Irina's hand, and for someone who had such tiny hands, she sure did have a heck lot of callouses and scars on them. Elma had said something about hand holding being relaxing to drunk people (and how Elma knew that was not something Lin wanted to know in the history of ever), but Lin's hand was generally becoming damp with sweat, and they were way too close for comfort. Irina was a cool auntie, the ass-kicker of their little makeshift family.

Not... this.

"I've always wondered," Irina muttered, "what a kid that had a Nopon and Prone parent would look like."

Lin nodded, but only because she had no idea what was going on.

"'Cause, like, I'm just imagining – this huge-" Irina stretched her hand as high as it would go. Unfortunately, it was also the hand that Lin was holding, and she could feel her shoulder slowly shifting out of its joint as Irina lifted it high. "-And I mean huge-ass head on a reallllllly big body. And teeny arms. Teeny muscular as hell arms."

Lin whimpered.

"How do Nopon even have kids? Do they poop out eggs?"

How the hell was she meant to know?

A saviour came to their table not a second later – Elma rested her hand on the table, looking at Lin. "Cross brought Doug back to the barracks," she said. "They said that Doug wouldn't stop crying about..." Her face grew uncomfortable. She bit her bottom lip and glanced away; it was a few seconds before she spoke. "...You know who."

Lin's heart gave a twinge. She nodded.

"Colonel!" Irina yelled. She brought her hand up to salute and dragged Lin halfway across the table with a clatter. Lin forced her hand out of the woman's iron grip and felt sweet life return to it.

"I am never holding her hand again," Lin muttered. She pushed herself off the table and wiggled her stiff fingers.

"Colonel, do you know what a Nopon and Prone kid would look like?"

"Don't want to," Elma said. "Look, soldier. We need to go back to the barracks."

"No we don't!" Irina paused. "Do we? I don't. I wanna drink!"

"Irina, you've had twenty pints."

"Twenty-three!"

Elma's face morphed into disgust.

Lin hadn't even known that mim bodies could hold that much alcohol.

With a sigh, Elma wrapped an arm around Irina's stomach and heaved her up onto her feet. Irina stumbled, but only a little, although she was very unwilling to let go of Elma's arm.

"Colonel?"

"We're going home. You've got a hell of a hangover to sleep off."

"I'm not drunk."

Lin giggled. "You kissed Gwin. You're definitely drunk."

"Did not! Am not!"

"So Irina is gross and sweaty and stinky human?"

"I never said that!" Gwin hissed, flapping his hands at Tatsu. The Nopon was stood on the stool next to Nagi's own.

"I don't know, man." Frye swallowed his shot glass in one. "Sounds like you found her really bad." He grabbed Nagi's own empty one and went to the bar for a refill.

"Was she your first?" Nagi asked, arms crossed.

"I can't believe I'm discussing smooching with the secretary," Gwin mumbled. "Cannot believe."

"Well? Was she?"

"No!"

Three sets of eyes looked at him.

"Dude, you're such a bad liar," Frye said.

"I'm not-"

"Tatsu has had many many kisses! Tatsu will give free lessons to pathetic Gwin!"

"No no no no!"

"A double double negative," Nagi murmured. "Tatsu, I believe that Evans is more than willing to begin these lessons."

"What – NO!"

"As a matter of fact, Tatsu, would you like to give us a demonstration right now?" Nagi muttered a 'thank you' to Frye as he was handed his glass. He took a long slip and waited.

"Tatsu will gladly help out!" Tatsu stretched out on his toes and made slurping noises with his lips. "Tatsu is ready for kiss kiss at any time!"

"You're a Nopon!" Gwin screeched.

"Other people have not allowed differences as minor as race to affect their relationships," Nagi said. His empty glass clinked against the table top as he stared at Gwin. "Are you xenophobic, Evans?"

"No - are you kidding me!?"

"Go on," Frye said between fits of deep laughter. He was holding his side, his cup sloshing alcohol over the top with how hard he was laughing. "Hell, I'll give ya a hundred credits if you do it! Interceptors' honour!"

"I am not kissing a freakin' Nopon!"

"A hundred and fifty?"

"No way!"

Tatsu continued to make angry smooching noises.

"One hundred and fifty-one?" Nagi offered, eyebrows raised.

"Oh my God." Gwin dragged a hand over his face, then put both of them on his hips and took a deep breath. "All right. I can't believe this."

"You're doin' it?" Frye asked. A grin cracked his face.

"For one hundred and fifty-one credits," Gwin muttered, "fromthe secretary, I will kiss a Nopon. I will kiss Tatsu."

Frye cheered and raised his glass high. Nagi leant back in his chair, arms crossed, and smiled. With one hand, he took out his comm device and made sure that it was on silent.

Gwin rolled his arms back. With a dramatic sigh, he crouched down next to Tatsu, so that they were eye-to-eye.

With a visible gulp, Gwin shut his eyes. Tatsu fluttered at his face with his head hands. Nagi made a mental note to ask about them later.

Gwin's lips ghosted over Tatsu's cheek – in a flash, he stumbled back, wiping at his lips. "EUCK!"

Tatsu frowned, hands on hips. "That was not a proper kiss! Tatsu demand better! Does Gwin want ladypons to be left wanting?"

"What the HELL is on your skin!?" Gwin yelled. He yanked Frye's glass away from the man's lips and gulped it down in one. "That tasted like – like mouldy cheese!"

"His lips should have a finer taste," Nagi said.

"I am not tasting his lips!" Gwin slammed the glass on the table. He muttered a quiet apology to it before turning back to them. "I don't care about what you guys think! I'm not kissing a Nopon!"

"You just did."

"Not properly!"

"Then you would disobey direct orders?"

"Just this once, I swear!" Gwin stormed off around the corner. He came padding back a few seconds later and grabbed his jacket from the stool next to Tatsu. "I'm gonna check on Irina."

"What, death-breath?" Frye became into a pile of helpless snorts and giggles – Irina was evidently not the only one who was, as the youngsters might say, 'totally smashed'.

"She didn't – I hate you all." He paused, then saluted. "Apart from you, Mister Secretary."

"Of course." Nagi tried to hide his smile around the edge of his glass. "Enjoy the rest of your night, Evans."

"Uh, you too, sir."

Frye crackled and smacked a hand on Gwin's back. He winced as something gave a 'snap!'. "Off ya go then! Leave us men to have some real talk."

"Tatsu not man! Tatsu is Nopon!"

"Yeah, yeah, close enough."

With a wave and a warm smile, Gwin was gone. The doors clicked shut behind him.

Frye collapsed on the seat next to Tatsu, and gave a sly grin. He popped his knuckles. "All right, Tatsu. You ever had alcohol?"

Cross had stayed the night with Doug, which left Elma, Lin and Irina as the sole occupants of their barracks come morning. A quick call from Nagi had assured Elma that Tatsu was in safe hands, if not more than a little bit drunk.

Elma had to smile at that. Tatsu could do what he wanted as long as he stayed safe – and with Nagi, there was no one safer.

Irina was still fast asleep, snoring away in the bottom bunk. Elma tightened the quilt around her shoulders and caught her comm device blinking. She switched it on, but it was only a message from Cross. Nothing worth probing into.

She headed out.

Lin was in the kitchen, looking pensive as she laid out breakfast for everyone. When she spotted Elma, she gave a tight smile. "Morning, Elma!"

She nodded. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

"Sure did!"

It wasn't difficult to catch the unease in her eyes. Elma sighed, resting a hand on the counter. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Nothing to be sorry about!"

Elma gave her a look.

Seconds passed.

Lin's shoulders slumped. "That obvious, huh?" She laced her fingers together, gazing at the cutlery on the table. "I just... it was weird, seeing everyone being so different. I know that nothing serious happened!" She sighed. "But still... it was weird. I didn't like it."

"That's all right." Elma smiled. "The first time I saw Irina drunk? It was an experience."

"Really?" Lin looked up. "What happened?"

"She was having a drinking contest with Doug and-" The name caught in her throat. She coughed, and the air in the room seemed tense, suddenly. "...And Lao."

Lin gave the smallest of winces.

Silence drifted in, like an early morning breeze. Elma was about to excuse herself when Lin slammed her hands on the table. "So! What happened?"

"Oh?" Elma chuckled at the memory. "Doug fell asleep after one pint. Irina and Lao adopted about... five or so cats? They came back at about four in the morning with – with kittens hanging off them, chuffed to bits." She hadn't understood it at all at the time, but looking back...

"Oh my God." Lin giggled behind her hand. "You didn't throw them out after, did you?"

Elma smiled. "You know me too well. We took them all in and had a field day deciding on names."

"That's so sweet. You guys really were close, weren't you?"

"We were," Elma murmured. "We still are."

"And now you have more of us!"

"That we do."

Lin smiled, and had just turned to the fringe when the bedroom door slid open.

"Colonel!" Irina yelled. "Why the hell did Cross send me a picture of me and Gwin kissing!?"

Elma winced.

Lin, on the other hand, grinned. "Oh, man, you guys were really going at it!"

"I did not kiss him!"

"You totally did!"

"I don't remember kissing him!" Irina stormed into the kitchen. She stopped next to them, glancing at both of them before crossing her arms. "I did not kiss him. I refuse to accept it."

"You were drunk, Irina," Elma said, rubbing at her head. "Very drunk."

"I was what?"

"Do you not have a hangover?"

"No?"

"Feeling sick?"

"Definitely not."

"Are you sure?"

"Postive, ma'am. I think."

"Wait," Lin said, "how did Cross even get a picture? We only got there after the kiss."

"You what?"

Nagi's quiet laughter echoed in Elma's head.

"Don't worry about it," she said.

Irina blew out a huff from her nose. "Gwin has a lot of explaining to do," she hissed. "A. Lot."

Her device made another high noise. Irina made a thoughtful noise and unlocked the screen. "Another picture from Cross?" She turned up her nose. "I swear to God if it's another picture of-" Irina fell silent as the picture loaded. She opened her mouth, shut it, opened it again, and made an odd keening noise as she held the device out to Lin.

Lin gagged and shoved herself away from the counter. "Oh my God!"

"What is it?" Elma asked, making her way to beside Irina.

"I'm scarred!" Lin cried, curled up on the sofa. "Traumatised!"

It couldn't have been – oh.

Oh.

Gwin was kissing someone – but it wasn't Irina.

It was someone much better.

"Is that… Tatsu?" Elma whispered.

"I'm never gonna recover!"

"At – at least it's only on the cheek?" Irina offered weakly.

"Cross was with Doug!" Lin wailed. "How the hell did they get that picture!?"

"I wonder," Elma murmured, trying very hard to hide her smile. She knew exactly who had taken that picture.

Her device beeped. She pulled it out, frowning when she spotted the caller – Nagi.

She accepted the call, and the three of them crowded around the screen. Nagi's face appeared.

"Ah. Good morning, Elma, Akulov, Ms. Koo."

"Morning!" Lin chirped.

Elma nodded. "Is everything all right, sir?"

"As well as things can be, I suppose."

There was a hideous barfing noise in the background. Elma could catch Vandham using a storm of swears, his voice progressively rising in pitch and noise.

"WHAT THE GODDAMN-"

"Tatsu is having a delayed reaction to his level of alcohol consumption." Nagi nodded, and Elma swore she could catch him smiling as Vandham continued to yell. "If you could come and retrieve him before Vandham blows yet another vein of his, it would be most appreciated."

Elma sighed, but she couldn't help her smile. "We're on our way, sir."

"Excellent. I shall see you soon."

The call ended. As soon as it did, Lin burst into little giggles and snorts, trying to hide them behind her hand. Irina gave her a fond smile and ruffled Lin's hair.

"Let's get going before the spud gets peeled."

"Yeah! And then we can finish our movie night!"

"Good plan, Lin." Elma buzzed the door open. "Let's make this quick."

"Of course, ma'am."

"All right!"