Chapter 5

I've done a lot of things in my life that I regret. Forks in the road where I chose the easier route. I've lead a hard existence, a solitary one, a soldier's lot in life filled with hardship, pain, loss. But of all these things, there's one decision that I regret most of all. The one where I walked away from my son.

I was 18, she was a few months younger. We were volatile together. Passion and temper and young love, a combination ripe with disaster. When she found out that she was pregnant, she was ecstatic. Her family life is shit, dad left when she was five, mom barely has time for a precocious little girl who turned into a rebellious little hellion. She figured having a baby will be her chance to finally find the unconditional love she's been looking for all her life. But I didn't want a kid. I was a kid myself. My life was going nowhere, been hanging out with the bad kids in the neighborhood, acting tough and untouchable and stupid. I was starting to figure out that with my photographic memory, my height, my love of brawls, my intelligence, that I was destined to be the leader of this little gang. I was a tough little shit. But inside, I was a coward. I left her and the baby she was carrying. Went to military school, got hand picked to train as a sharp shooter, then Delta, CIA assassin, a cage wrestler in the pits of Kuala Lumpur, then Section Twenty. In all this time, there's a niggling thought in the back of my mind. My son. I have a son. Somewhere out there in the real world, I've created something good.

And now, here I am, in the boonies of Thailand, hiding once again, like the coward that I am. Finn is coming to see me. Finn. My son. My 16 year old son. But I can't seem to make myself go. I can't gather enough courage to face him after all these years.

I hear footsteps behind me and I spin around with my gun pointing at the intruder.

"Jesus, Scott. It's me," Stonebridge's unmistakable proper British voice spears my consciousness.

"How the fuck did you find me?" I really want to know. I'm in the middle of the jungle, smoking and thinking my dark thoughts, away from everyone. Or so I thought.

"You weren't answering my calls so I had Baxter trace your phone," the little shit informs me.

I holster my gun, walk a few steps towards a fallen tree, and sit my ass down. Stonebridge ignores the fact that I want to be left alone, and sits down next to me.

"Your son will be at the airport in a few minutes." He reminds me, like I haven't been constantly thinking of that fact for the past several days.

"Oh really," dripping with sarcasm. "Thank you so very much for reminding me."

There's silence for a few beautiful minutes then Michael breaks it again. "So... why are you here in the middle of nowhere when you're supposed to be picking him up?" Oh, now he's suddenly Chatty Cathy where usually, getting him to talk is like pulling teeth.

"Leave me alone, Michael." I say, not looking at him.

"No can do, Damien." Stubborn fucker.

"Look, I really think he's better off without me," I try to reason with him. "Look at me. Look at my fucking life. We're in Thailand, running after terrorists. We kill people. My goddamn gun is an extension of my goddamn arm. I sleep with one eye open in case there's trouble. And people trying to kill us are the norm, not the exception. What kind of life is that for a kid to see?" My voice rises.

Stonebridge looks around the little jungle I've chosen to wallow in. There's a small stream to our right, a carabao grazing on the grass. Dragonflies chasing each other across the field. One lands on my boot. It has transparent wings, glittering green in the sunlight. "So he's sixteen, huh?" He says, ignoring my rant.

"Yeah."

"You should've kept the diamonds. Kids are expensive." He says, perfectly reasonable, as always. I snort a laugh. "You need medical, dental, 401k..."

"Shit, haven't even thought of all that," I'm starting to get nervous.

"And he's your son, so there will be girls..." He smirks at me.

"Fuck me. There are not enough diamonds in the world for that," I finally smile.

He pulls on a blade of grass and puts it between his teeth. We listen to the bubbling of the stream for a few precious minutes.

"C'mon. Let's go get your boy." He stands up, turns towards me, and extends his hand out. I hesitate for a few seconds. Then I reach up and take it. I can feel his strength, guiding me up on my feet. I would rather cut off my left nut than tell him this, but I'm glad he's here. I desperately need all the strength I can get.

I'm wearing a hole on the ground, pacing up and down the narrow dirt road outside the airport, waiting for Finn to land. I know I'm driving Stonebridge insane with my nervous energy.

"Oi, can you sit down? You're driving me insane with all your nervous energy," he instructs me in his sergeant voice. What did I tell you? I know him so well, it's downright creepy.

"What's taking so damn long?" I know I'm whining, but I can't help it.

"If you don't stop moving around, I'm going to have to sit on you, mate."

I glare daggers at him, but good thing we don't get to test that theory when all of a sudden, we see this young man emerge from the airport. He has dark hair, a solid chest, hasn't yet gone through the growth spurt I myself experienced at 18 when I found myself growing a whole foot in a few short months, eating every single thing in the house that wasn't bolted down. He has a swagger I recognize. I'm gearing myself to man up and cross the street to where he is when a beautiful woman dressed in a skintight black dress with legs all the way to her throat, stops by where Finn was leaning against the wall. She puts her luggage on the floor. They talk intently for a few minutes, then she gives him a card. Finn trails a finger on her face, and ends with a nudge on her chin. She giggles and saucily walks away. "What the fuck?" I ask Stonebridge. The fucker just laughs, as if the whole thing is amusing.

I forget my nervousness and cross the street, Michael right behind me. "Finn?" I call out. Blue-green eyes so familiar to me, the same exact ones that I see every morning in the mirror, stare back at me. His face so obviously on the verge between boy and man. My son. Holy shit.

"Fuck me," he says. "Damien?"

StoneBrick starts laughing at this. A surprised, deep, belly laugh. He starts slapping his thighs in amusement, "Holy cow. There is a God! And he has a bloody good sense of humor."

I punch his shoulder and face the young man in front of me. "Hi, buddy." My palms are sweating. "Thanks for visiting me. We have a lot of catching up to do."

"Well. Who's fuckin' fault is that?" His eyes look directly at me. Accusing.

"Language, bud." I have no clue why I just said that. I don't fucking care what kind of language he uses.

"Hello there, Finn," Michael smoothly interrupts. "I'm Michael, your dad's partner."

"Oh, I... I didn't know." He stammers, looking back and forth between Michael and I.

"Didn't know what?" I ask him, still not entirely out of the shock I feel upon seeing my face on another person.

"That you're ... you're... you know... into men." He says, clearly uncomfortable.

"Into..." I'm confused.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that." He immediately backpedals. "I've been brought up to respect everyone's choices."

At this point, Michael is laughing so hard that people are starting to give us a very large berth, not wanting to be in near vicinity to the big lunatic laughing his ass off.

"Ah, Gawd." The light finally turns on. "Not that kind of partners. We're soldiers, you little shit." I clarify.

"Soldiers?" It's his turn to be confused. "Mom told me you're a drug dealer."

"What?!" I'm really insulted. "Tell your mother I am not, nor have I ever been, a drug fuckin' dealer."

"Whatever you say, Damien." He tells me.

"Is this all your luggage?" I indicate the backpack he has slung over his shoulder. We have the same exact brown leather bracelet that I've had around my wrist ever since I can remember. Huh. What are the chances of that. He nods at me and we start walking to the car.

It's surreal, walking with this person. I keep surreptitiously looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He sighs, "I can feel you looking at me, you know."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I say, chagrined. "It's just I can't believe you're here." Stonebridge clamps his hand on my shoulder and squeezes in support. "And you're so... real."

He rolls his eyes at this. I was suddenly reminded of all the eye rolls I've ever given my mother. Payback really is a bitch.

"Well, I'm here because I "borrowed" a car out for a ride and ended up totaling it against Mrs. Nolan's morning glories." He tries to appear nonchalant but I can see regret and embarrassment in his face. "Mom and Marcus," he looks at me at the mention of his stepfather's name, "they agreed it's a good idea for me to come and meet you. Being my sperm donor and all."

"Well I'm glad. Whatever the circumstance." I say, truthfully.

Before we can reach the car, I see a beautifully exotic creature walking towards us. All legs and straight, black hair. I give her my most disarming, charming smile. Finn gives her his most disarming, charming smile.

"Hello, gorgeous," we say at the same fucking time. She stops in front of us, takes my hand, scribbles something on it and says, "Call me. And make sure to bring your delicious friend," indicating my 16 year old son. Fuck me. This is just so wrong in so many levels. I think Stonebridge might wet his pants, laughing, clutching his stomach in pain.

We finally reach the car and Finn looks at me, "This piece of crap? Now I believe you're not a drug dealer." The little shit is hilarious. He looks at me with a twinkle in his eyes, amusement, anger, bitterness and unflailing hope clearly written on his vulnerable young face. I can't believe I almost missed this opportunity. I can't believe I've missed his first steps, his first words. Did he look for me when he was young? Who taught him how to catch a ball? How to shave? He obviously doesn't have problems with girls. Who taught him about sex? I've missed so fucking much. I'm so fucking ashamed. But he's still here. He still came.

I can't help it, I grab his shoulder and bring him to me for a hard, awkward hug. He freezes a moment, then I feel a hand tentatively go up my back for a few precious seconds before he pushes me away, embarrassed. I look up at Stonebridge and I see a suspicious wetness in his eyes. I dare not hope, I am positive I do not deserve it, but I think... I really think... there's hope for me yet.