Lexa never returned, I should be used to her running out on me, it doesn't hurt any less.

I woke up in the morning, the wine from last night still lingering on my lips. I reach over and check my phone, 3 texts from Alice and nothing from Lexa. I don't know what I was expecting. I lock my phone, ignoring Alice for now, and swing my legs round. I watch as they swing back and forth, gathering my thoughts I stand up deciding to wash away the remnants of last night.

Undressed, music on, water streaming down in front of my face, and a hole where my heart used to beat. What was Lexa going to say? What did she think? What did she know? Running my hands over my face, round my neck settling in my hair. We never talked about that night. It was a glorious night. Unexpected, but glorious. Why hadn't we done that before? Throughout school everyone thought there was more to us, why hadn't we taken that next step? Lexa was flawlessly beautiful and fearlessly loyal. A head turner, a heart breaker. She was passionate and caring, and a perfect partner. Was a blind to even look for more?

I turn the hot water off and wrap a towel around my waist. Wiping the fog off the mirror I lean against the sink. Did Lexa ever want more? If she did, why did she ignore me for 4 months? Why is she always running away? I know Lexa has never been one to wear her heart on her sleeve, but she could never hide her feelings from me. Shit. Has Lexa got feelings for me? Is that what she's hiding?

I push away from the sink and walk back into my bedroom. Just because I never thought of going further with Lexa doesn't mean that she never thought of going further with me.

I hear my phone ringing in the background, I rush to grab it, hoping it's Lexa. I need to speak to her, I need to hear her voice. I answer it without hesitation.

"Lexa?" I ask, my voice drowning in hope.

"Nope, Alice. Everything okay?" I try to ignore the way my heart falls with disappointment.

"I.. Yeh.. Sorry.. I can't talk right now, I'm waiting to to hear from Lexa." I sit on my bed, head hanging in my hands.

"I think you might be waiting a while, she ran past me before with a suitcase. Is she going somewhere?" My head lifts in shock. I drop the phone and launch myself into Lexa's room. Her draws left open, clothing thrown on the floor. Everything is just a little out of place, she was obviously in such a rush to leave me. I can't grasp how much the realisation hurts me.

I run back to my room and scramble for my phone, I see its still connected to Alice's call and I can faintly hear her calling my name. I hang up without a second thought. Finding myself back in Lexa's room I try calling her.

There's no answer. I hang up and try again but to no avail, voicemail.

"Hey Lex, it's me, obviously. I just.. I need you. I think I know what this is about. We need to talk. Come home. Please." I hold my breath and hang up. She has to come home soon. I need to know if she has feelings for me.

But what will happen if she does? Shit. I haven't thought this through. Do I have feelings for her? Shit. Do I? Whenever I think about it my heart skips a beat, fuck, are these butterflies? Oh God. Do I have feelings for Lexa?

Resting my head in my hands, I steady my breathing. I can't s around here waiting, I'll end up going crazy. Before I can decide what to do, there's a knock at the door. I run through the hall to the front door, opening it without hesitation.

"Alice.. " I guess she doesn't miss how my face falls in disappointment.

"Sorry, I'm not Lexa." I shake my head at her.

"No, I'm sorry, it's been a stressful morning, I shouldn't have hung up on you." Alice pushes past me, making herself comfortable on the sofa.

"No you shouldn't have." I feel guilty, looking down I try to avoid her. I close the door and lean against it. "I take it she told you?" I couldn't help look up at that.

"Lexa?" I ask, she nods her head. "Told me what?"

Alice looks away, aware she's just let loose something which was news to me. Rubbing her neck, she stumbles over her words.

"Nothing, never mind." I push off the door and walk over to her, taking a seat on the sofa opposite.

Running my hands up and down my legs, I enquire further. "Alice, what's going on?"

She takes a big breath, "it really isn't my place to say. You need to talk to Lexa."

As if on queue, I hear keys jingling outside the door. I feel my heart stop, watching it open I take her in. She's beautiful. Breath taking. Her eyes reach mine and I watch as she holds her breath. Time stands still. I feel Alice stand up from behind me.

"I'm gonna go, give you guys time to talk." I look back at her, sending gratitude with my eyes, and watch as she walks out. Alice walks to the door, Lexa steps aside to let her out but Alice doesn't move. I can see them talking and I strain to hear but it was no use. Alice sends one final glance in my direction and walks out.

Silence. Lexa walks into the kitchen, dropping her bag and coat on the floor as she goes. I follow her. "What was that about?"

She opens the fridge door and bends down to get a closer look at the contents. "What was what about?"

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid Lex, I deserve that much." She stops looking in the fridge and stands up.

"You do? What exactly do you think you deserve Clarke?" She's confrontational. She's only like this when she's building the walls back up. The walls I spent years knocking down.

"I don't deserve this! Whatever this shit is Lexa, I don't deserve it!" I'm getting frustrated. What the hell is happening?

She pushes past me and tries to walk to her bedroom. I grab her arm and stop her.

"No Lexa. Don't you do this to me. Don't you do this again." She waits. I wait. Finally, she raises her head and looks at me. Stoney eyes and stoic.

The look in her eyes scares me, stepping back, my breath hitches, "don't touch me Clarke."

"Lexa... " I trail off. I have no idea what to say anymore.

She walks to her bedroom and shuts the door behind her. I collapse where I stood. Tears flowing freely. I'm pulling my hair, head in my knees, hearts beating, breathing speeding. I'm panicking. I need to get out of here. I pull myself up to my knees, bracing myself. Breathe in. Breathe out.

This is Lexa. Breathe in. Breathe out.

She's my best friend. Breathe in. Breathe out.

She's my whole world. Breathe in. Breathe out.

This is Lexa. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I lean back on my hunches, rubbing my hands over my face. Why am I acting like this? Why is she acting like this? I breath deeply again. I look up out the window. There's condensation on the glass and tracks of the rain. I stand up, steadying my legs when they nearly buckle underneath me. Walking over to the window, I follow a raindrop as it falls with my finger. Opening the window I climb out onto the fire escape. The rain instantly makes me feel better, like it's washing away my past, washing away my mistakes. Leaning on the railing in front of my, I continue breathing deeply.

What if she leaves? What if she leaves and never comes back? What if she's already left? The thought shocks me into action. I turn around but jump back in shock.

"Lexa!" She's standing by the window, watching me. She slowly climbs out, eyes never leaving mine. I step back giving her room, not knowing where this is going. The rain covers her, drenching her from head to toe. But it doesn't take away her beauty. I gaze upon her, her defined jawline, her expressive eyes, the way her loose curls perfectly frame her face. I can't look away.

She takes a small step towards me, her lips twitching slightly, like she's on the verge of saying something, but something is stopping her.

"Lexa.." She shakes her head slightly and looks to her feet before looking back up, her face has changed. Determination is shining through.

"Clarke." Another small step.

"Please don't leave me." I beg. There's nothing else I can do at this point. I can't lose her. I can't lose Lexa. "Please don't go."

She cocks her head to the side. "What makes you think I'm leaving?"

She's talking to me. Well that's a starting point. "Haven't you already?"

"I left, but I came back Clarke." My heart rate increases.

"Why?" I ask hopelessly.

"Why did I leave or why did I come back?" She continues to look at me, unsettled, I wordlessly shake my head. I don't know.

"I left because I couldn't look at you without losing control." One more step towards me, I can feel her breath ghosting my face.

"I came back, because losing control.. It's all I want to do." She takes a breath, and with a final step, she leans forward and kisses me.