Title: Peaceful Drives

Summary: Happy has been Tony's bodyguard for a long time. It's… well, it's been interesting.

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The wind screams as the car shoots down the road, taking the winding turns of the cliff at a very unsafe speed. The top of the flashy red car is down and every breath brings in sea air while the warm sun beats down on the two occupants.

It's a lovely day to be chased by three black cars with darkly tinted windows. Really, what makes it even better is that the people in the cars are not at all afraid to use guns. It ties the whole experience together, ten out of ten, would totally recommend.

"I am not happy," Happy says, his grip tight on the wheel as he struggles to slump further down in the seat so a bullet doesn't take off his head.

"Am I allowed to make a seven dwarves reference?" Tony jokes, partly muffled since he's sitting in the passenger side but he's stretched over the middle console to reach the hidden compartment under the driver's dashboard.

"No, Tony, that was old before I even met you," Happy grumbles, spinning the wheel to make a hard-right turn.

A sharp curse comes from Tony as he slides backwards into his seat again. "I'm working here!" he snaps, trying to crawl back over Happy's lap and into his previous position.

"I just mean this is uncomfortable," Happy admits.

"Being gunned down in a convertible?" Tony scoffs. "Yeah, I'm not loving this either." He shoves at Happy's knee with a shoulder. "Spread your legs more."

"I meant you, fiddling with wires under the steering wheel," Happy explains, flinching when a bullet ricochets off the driver's side mirror.

"What is that supposed to mean - oh, as if I would give you road head," Tony mutters, wriggling further under to grab another wire, pretty much flopped over one of Happy's thighs with his torso mostly in between the man's legs.

Happy splutters because that is not what he meant. "Well, at least we're in agreement, because I wouldn't want a blow job from you either."

Tony huffs and finally grabs the white wire, shoving it into a port under the dashboard with the three other white cables. A screen lights up and he types out the instruction and the code, getting a green light for using NOS. The car is entirely built by Tony, of course he has nitrous oxide installed.

The engine roars like it's screaming a war cry and the car lurches forward even faster than before, going well into the two hundreds for kilometres per hour.

Happy makes a terrified sound but keeps control as the black cars fall behind, unable to keep up with the red convertible. The people give up on shooting as well, thankfully, and soon they disappear into a vague speck in the rear-view mirror.

However, there is a significant problem, which is that Happy doesn't know how to drift around corners. He's going to have to learn quickly though because going this fast means turning normally is a very bad idea.

Tony pushes off against the floor of the car and pops up inside the circle of Happy's arms. He uses the bodyguard's legs as a resting pace for his elbows and turns, completely ignoring that he's obstructing view of the road.

"I'm kind of trying to not die here," Happy says quickly, leaning around Tony's head, hesitant about straightening up when there are still guns involved.

Tony just peers at Happy with narrowed eyes. "I would give excellent head."

"Tony-"

"No, no," the billionaire interrupts, his pride at stake now. "I would be so amazing you'd never be completely satisfied by anyone else. You would beg me for more."

"Are you actually fucking with me?" Happy blurts out in exasperation.

"You've just lost the chance of a life time, buddy," Tony says, ducking down and awkwardly getting back into his seat again. "Because I'm definitely not sucking you off now."

Happy lets out a sharp breath. "If I take my hands off the wheel to strangle you, we would die. That is the only reason you aren't asphyxiating right now."

"I don't want to know your kinks, Happy."