This last week I feel worse than I did the last four months. I had hope during those months; I hoped if I got the chance to talk to her I might still stand the chance of getting her back. I have, and a week later I have heard nothing. I pleaded my case, I played the dominant and here I am spending another weekend alone. I couldn't face going to my parents today. I am not fit for company. She was the one that encouraged me to go to my parents. Every other weekend she'd come early on a Friday and leave a little early on a Sunday just so I would go to Bellevue for lunch with my family. The more time I spent with them the more I hated Elena Lincoln. I am a different man from the one she first met, she opened my eyes to love and I fell in love with her. I was desperate for her touch and worked with Flynn to be able to open myself to touch. My mother cried the first time I gave her a hug. My father looked choked up as I gave him a hug goodbye, Elliot's usual wit was nowhere to be found that day.

For the life of me, I do not understand why she finds the concept of love so appalling when nothing in her childhood, nothing in her life warrants it. She had a beautiful childhood, an only child with devoted parents. Her parents are still together. She still spends most of her time at her parents home, also in Bellevue. For months I had Welch looking into her background, digging deep hoping to find something that explained it all. In the end, I just accepted what she told me. As a child prodigy, something she knew was a gift but hated it all the same. She couldn't get away from it as hard as she tried, her mind keeps working. It was her first boyfriend that introduced her to BDSM at Harvard Law. He knew exactly what she was going through and told her all about BDSM, ceding control to someone else. For the first time she didn't have to think and she welcomed it, it all felt a too complicated when love became involved, she said it took away from what she really needed, total domination. It kept her sane, kept her from falling apart. Since then she refuses to mix the two and despite all my reassurances I can separate the two she doesn't want to know.

Is this what my subs felt when I callously terminated the contracts because they dared uttered those three words to me. This feels like karma and I hate karma, karma can suck my cock. "Sir, your mother is here," Taylor informs me.

"Send her up," I say with a sigh. I get up from behind the piano and hide the bottle of bourbon behind the kitchen island. I'm sure she'll smell it on my breath but right now I'm passed thinking logically.

"I went to your office, Andrea said you haven't been in all week. Christian what is going on, the last few months you…" She looks worried, more worried than I have made her.

"I'm in love with Ana… and she doesn't want me." I break down, and for the first time since I was a child I weep. She sits beside me on the floor and holds me while I cry my eyes out.

"You and Ana." Mom says with a sad smile.

"Well… it's over now." I lament knocking back the glass of scotch she got me.

"Christian I'm sure…"

"Mom, I already played my last hand and here I am all by my lonesome."

"We were all certain there was a certain someone involved in your change, but as time went on and you didn't introduce us to anyone…"

"She didn't want that. It was all too personal for her. I respected her wishes." At the time, I was happy when she said she didn't need to meet my family. Hell, I fist pumped the air in the elevator on the way to my parents.

"What changed?"

"It was a casual arrangement from the very beginning. We both knew we were too busy for anything more. Within months, I knew I felt different but I was too scared of losing her so I kept my mouth shut. A few months ago I felt things change for the both of us and I opened up. She didn't want that, told me she had made it clear she didn't want a relationship and walked out."

"Oh, dear boy I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, you didn't break his heart." We both and stare at Ana.

"Ana." I choke back a sob.

"This is a bad time," she says turning around to leave.

"No dear, please stay. You two clearly need to talk." I try to protest but one look from my mother shuts me up. She gives Ana a squeeze on her shoulder before walking out.

We stand there staring at each other. "Did you mean what you said?" She asks.

"What did I say?" I cough to clear my throat.

"We can have both," she whispers.

"Take a seat," I mumble. "It took you a week to get back to me and it wasn't because you were struggling to make a decision, but to ask if I meant what I said," I say in disbelief.

"I just…" I take a good look at her for the first time and the sight causes me to chuckle.

"You just what?" I growl every ounce of arrogance I can summon coursing through me. She is a mess; you really have to know her… biblically that is, to see it. Every fiber of her is begging to be dominated and fuck if I'm going to give her that. Call me petty I don't give a flying fuck.

"I don't know." She cries.

"Like fuck you don't." I retort.

"I am desperate, I am teetering on a knife's edge. Is that what you want to hear." She shouts.

"I want to hear the truth." I know it's the truth, I can see it.

"That is the truth."

"I know," I respond with a bored tone.

"Do you want me to beg?" She is desperate enough to do it. I know the feeling.

"Oh, you mean like I did." I taunt.

"I sh…"

"It wouldn't make a difference." I give a fuck. It hurts to see her so vulnerable, even as a sub she exuded power. I won't reduce her to begging.

"I shouldn't have ignored you." She starts.

"Are you saying it because you think it's what I want to hear?"

"No Christian, I am saying it because it's true. It was gut wrenching to ignore your calls, your messages. I didn't know what else to do, I was too much of a coward to face you. I was so scared we'd lose what we had that I run and lost it all the same."

"What happened at the gala? I threw myself at you at gala and…" I drop my head.

"I needed to know we could really do it," she whispers and my head snaps up.

"And."

"I will give it go… the relationship I mean. I been here before and despite the promises, it didn't work out." She sighs. "I want to be here," she adds.

"Are you hungry because I am starving," I say making my way to the kitchen.

"Oh, okay." Her voice radiates disappointment. Did I say I wasn't going to reduce her to begging? She knows she has me, we both know it. Safe in that knowledge she can start pleading her case.

"What would you like?" I ask pulling bowl after bowl out of the fridge.

"I already had lunch. I know how you feel about missed meals." The sentiment makes me smile.

"Well, I am starving. I've been breaking my own rules." I mumble stuffing cold mac and cheese into my mouth. She makes no attempt to hide her glare. Her need for the playroom has multiplied knowing full well I have every intention of taking her there. The fact that I'm not doing it in a timely manner is pissing her off.

After my very hearty meal, I head for my office under the guise of returning some emails. In all honesty, my lack of shuteye has caught up to me and I promptly pass out on the couch minutes after I enter my office.

I wake to a dark office and skyline. Fuck, how long was I out for? I shuffle out my office into my bedroom for a much-needed shower and then we can play. I am rested and sober enough for the playroom. "Look who decided to join the land of the living," Ana mutters sarcastically. I find her emptying her small case of clothes in my closet and I have to tell you the sight wakes my cock up. I ignore her comment. I'm in need of a shower before bodies come into contact. I quickly strip off and jump into the shower.

The hot water on my skin is refreshing and I step feeling better than I have in days. Her look of indignation turns into one of lust when she sees me in nothing but a towel. "Playroom, ten minutes," I order without so much as a glance her way. After a barely distinguishable "yes sir", she bolts out of the bedroom.

It was barely five in the morning and I wake up to find the bed empty and cold. I didn't have to look far, she's sat on the chair by the balcony door staring out into the wet and chilly Seattle skyline. "Baby." I yawned sitting up. "You've got this in the bag. You had every angle covered." I found myself saying the same things my father and I have said all weekend. She was not happy to find closing argument postponed till today. I managed to get her mind off it all weekend, but it's D-day.

"I know it doesn't change the fact that I'm a jittering mess and will most be till a verdict comes in." This was the first time one of her cases has gone to court. Eamon Kavanagh's own board had kicked him out of the company he started from scratch and he was rightfully suing them. This is what happens when you are no longer majority shareholder of your company. "Never make your company public." She tries to joke but her voice was tinged with nerves.

"It's not yet five, do you want…" wrong words. "Playroom ten minutes," I growled. I read the relief in her face. I saw the way her shoulders sagged. I heard the soft sigh of thank god that left her. She was out of the room before I got out of bed.

Three months of dating, three months of being blissfully in love, three months of juggling boyfriend and dominant duties, three months of sheer contentment and exhilaration. I was one happy son of a bitch. Whatever doubts she had I erased our first weekend together. Orgasm denial was my choice of payback. She was good, she held on for almost an hour before she pleaded and begged for release. I finally give her permission to cum when I slammed my cock into her and fucked her till my cock called time.

I was also invited to dinner by her parents, her mother I had won over before I stepped through the doors. Her father, on the other hand, was an entirely different kettle of fish. It wasn't until we were leaving did he shake my hand and told me to take good care of his daughter or else. Well, guess what Raymond Steele; I'm about to do just that. I'd be a dead man if he knew just how I took care of her.

I can't tell you a word that's being said in the meeting. It's after lunchtime and I have yet to hear from Ana meaning the jury still haven't reached a verdict. I remember growing up, the mood of the house was determined for days by dad winning or losing a case. Ana and I headed for the south of France for a week tomorrow meaning the mood of our first holiday together will be determined by the verdict. My attention is drawn back to the room when Ana burst through the doors and halts at the sight of my meeting with… shit, I didn't hear a word of what was said. Her happy and bouncing demeanor tells me all I need to know. "Roz, can we pick this up another time." I don't wait for an answer.

"The best part is, a few of the shareholders do not have the funds to pay him. They will have to give him back shares of Kavanagh Media in lieu of money." She is like a kid in a candy store. I just smile down at her as she recounts the day for me. She dragged me to the bedroom the moment we got home and showed me her appreciation for getting her through the weekend.

"Baby I know you are on cloud nine at the moment but you are going to have to come down. We have an early flight tomorrow. We both know how you get when you don't get enough sleep." I tease.

"I'm too wired to sleep," she says straddling my stomach.

"I am more than happy to wear you out." I purr.

"Yes please." She giggles leaning down to kiss me. "I love you, Christian Grey."

"I love you, too."