Shades of Black and White

"Has he told you what I was to him?"

Christian's ex, Leila's words, keep haunting me over and over on the ride back. I cannot get over them, as well as her bizarre reaction. She seemed truly on edge and frightened at the idea of him catching her. She even seemed majorly distressed at the thought, as if he was capable of doing something terrible to her had she been caught out.

I cannot seem to get my mind off it, even sitting in the car while Christian drives us back, soft music playing on his stereo. What did she mean, had he told me what she was to him? She's his ex, obviously, and he broke up with her because he finally met me, his soul mate. I know that much. But what did she mean? And why would she be so scared at the thought of Christian knowing she'd approached me?

I peer over at Christian as he drives, trying to be discreet about it. He's preoccupied driving, his gaze focused on the road ahead of us, his handsome profile serenely distracted. I cannot imagine this man being someone that another woman would be frightened of. Could he be?

Suddenly, he glances in my direction and I turn away, my cheeks going red at being caught out.

And then he reaches over, his hand finding mine. Those delicious tingles and static sensations fill me again as he turns my hand around, interlacing his fingers through mine. He squeezes down gently, comforting. When I turn, meeting his grey gaze again as he stares at me, the smile I give him seems wrongly fake.

"Are you all right?" he asks gently. "You seem distracted?

"Yeah, I'm good," I assure him. "I'm fine. I'm just listening to the music."

"You sure?" I feel like he can almost sense that I'm not, that he can see straight through me.

I nod once, returning his hand squeeze gently, and then I have to glance away, back outside the window.

I've always hated lying. I've always despised not being truthful to someone.

And yet, here I am, trying to keep from him the fact that his ex appeared at the place where we had a delicious breakfast together? Her phone number is in my pocket, and she wants me to call her to arrange a time to meet to talk about their previous relationship. I wonder what he would do if I did go? Would he be mad?

He probably would be, considering every time I try to get information out of him about what his past relationships were like, he'll be evasive or insist that it doesn't matter, that all of that's in the past and we're the future, that we should focus on us.

But Leila, her reaction. I cannot see Christian ever being capable of doing anything violent and threatening and yet, she appeared so sincerely frightened of him? It just doesn't add up.

No matter how much I try to put it behind, to agree with what he says about it just being the past, I find I can't. I'm too curious, and Leila today, she's only heightened that curiosity, yet I feel ill with dread too about what she could possibly have to say and reveal about their time together, because of how gravely scared she was.

When we get back to his place, my head is still cramped over the events of this morning with Leila. I can tell I'm being obvious, I'm not all there. It's just so hard to be normal when I feel sick inside, sick and ill and overwhelmed with nerves.

Since I'm heading back home to my apartment that I share with Kate, I find myself relieved for some alone time while I head into the bathroom, pretending to brush my teeth and use the toilet. I shut the door, leaning against the sink, the quiet and privacy comforting.

Reaching into my pocket with my fingers, I retrieve the piece of paper Leila wrote on, spreading it out, reading the digits carefully. I don't know what to do. I feel completely lost.

On one hand, I really do want to arrange a meeting with her, to learn the reason why for her such severe reaction at the thought of Christian discovering her speaking to me. Yet, at the same time, I feel like I'd just be betraying Christian and not trusting him completely.

The sudden knock on the opposite end of the bathroom door startles me, and I gasp, immediately scrunching up the piece of paper Leila gave me in my hand again.

"Ana?" Christian calls, his voice soft with concern. "Taylor's got the car ready to drop you back off at your apartment. Are you all right in there?"

"Y-yes," I call back, then shake my head in frustration at how unconvincing I sound. I really hate this. "I'm ready now."

Turning to face the mirror, I check on my reflection, making sure I seem okay and that I don't look as guilty or suspicious as I feel. I breathe in deeply a few times, trying to curb down my anxiety before slowly reaching for the doorknob. I open the door slowly, finding Christian standing there, waiting.

The look on his face, how innocent and unsuspecting he looks as he stares at me, it almost pushes me over the edge completely. I have never been particularly good with keeping secrets, and I hate it. I can't stand looking someone in the eye while keeping something from them.

"You ready to go?" he asks, and he reaches up, covering my cheek with his hand. Those feelings infect me again at his physical touch alone, and I have to close my eyes as I reach up, covering his hand with my own, holding it to my cheek for a minute longer.

I can't do this. I just can't.

"What's wrong?" he asks gently, his thumb stroking my cheek.

I reopen my eyes slowly, risking a peek up at his face. His forehead is pinched in concern, his eyes anxious.

"Something happened this morning when you went into the bathroom," I admit, then I pull his hand away from my face. I bite my lip, staring down at the ground. It's easier if I don't have to look at him.

"What do you mean, 'something happened'?"

I reach back into my pocket, pulling the small piece of paper out. I discover my fingers are trembling when I do. I hand the piece of paper to him, assuming that will give him all that he needs to know.

When I finally muster up the courage, I peer up at him, watching his reaction as Christian unfurls the piece of paper carefully.

He lifts the piece of paper, trying to see it better so he can read the numbers on it. I see a brief moment of recognition in his eyes before he lifts his chin, peering at me, puzzled. He swallows. "Where did you get this?" he murmurs, shaking his head.

"Leila," I breathe anxiously. "Leila ended up approaching me while you went into the bathroom. She gave me her number." I gesture to the piece of paper wordlessly with my chin.

I watch as Christian breathes deeply in through his mouth. He shuts his eyes for a moment, tilting his head back slightly. When he opens his eyes again, I think I see anger in them. Anger or frustration? I'm not sure what.

"She was there?" he asks tonelessly, not looking at me.

"Yes, she was." I fold my arms over my chest protectively, feeling somehow better that way. "She wanted me to call her to set a time so that we could talk."

He runs a slow hand through his hair as he glances back down at the piece of paper again that he's holding between his thumb and forefinger. His jaw is tight, rigid. The muscles in his neck are twitching.

I think I hear him inhale in deeply through his nose. "To talk about what, Anastasia?" he murmurs. For once, I can see he's trying to reign his temper in. He's angry. Did Leila have good reason to be worried about him finding out after all?

"I'm not sure," I murmur quietly. "I think it was something about... what she was to you? She asked me if you'd told me what she was to you?" I scrutinize his face closely as he shakes his head. "Why would she need to talk to me, Christian?" I ask out loud in confusion. "Apparently she feels that there's something that she needs to tell me about regarding your relationship with her?" My voice is rising with anxiety uncontrollably.

"Don't worry," he breathes, and as he finally meets my eyes again, he gives me a tight-lipped smile. But even I can see that his smile is forced and insincere. "I'll deal with it."

"Deal with it?" I repeat shakily. I don't understand at all. "Christian, you don't need to deal with it. You can just tell me-"

"-How many times do I have to say that there's nothing to tell you?" He suddenly says loudly, waving his arm around in irritation. "How many times do I have to say that the past is in the past?"

I startle at the loud tone of his voice, shrinking back, tightening my arms over my chest. I've never heard him yell before, obviously.

I think Christian can see the error he's made himself, because he sighs loudly, his face immediately softening. "I'm sorry for raising my voice at you just then," he breathes desperately, his voice cracking. "I just wish you'd trust me and believe what I tell you."

"I do trust you, Christian!" I mutter back in frustration. "It's why I never called her, even although I could have! I want to hear it from you, not her!" This is really too much for me to bear. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying, and I don't want to cry in front of him right now. "Is Taylor ready with the car?"

"Yes, he's downstairs waiting."

"Then I think I'd like to go home now," I murmur, avoiding him.

As I go to stride past him, he reaches out, trying to grab my hand, to stop me.

"Ana-" he begins urgently.

"No, don't touch me right now, Christian," I accidentally shriek, unable to help it. , Now I'm the one yelling. He recoils back himself, startled, shocked, staring at me with wide-eyes. "I'm sorry but this is too much for me right now! I need to be alone for a while!"

"For how long?" He's breathing heavily, anguished.

"I don't know." I can feel the tears beginning, and I dash them away quickly with my hand. "I just need Taylor to take me home right now."

And although it hurts, although it feels so painful, I stride past him, heading out of the room.

And that's when I freeze halfway towards the stairs when I hear his voice. For a moment, I mistakenly think he's talking to me. But he's not.

"I know what you did. Anastasia just told me."

He must be on the phone, talking to her. To Leila.

"I thought we ended this quite amicably?" I pause, listening intently to his phone call, even though I probably shouldn't. Christian sounds so distressed, so upset. "I thought I was being fair and compassionate with you?"

There's a silence where she must be saying something on the other line.

"Yes, well, that's my choice, isn't it? When I decide to tell her, I'll tell her but the decision will be mine! It isn't your choice to make, Leila!"

When he decides to tell me? So there must be something then?

"I feel like you don't want me to be happy, do you?" His voice turns bleak and drained. "For once in my life, I finally get the opportunity to have something normal, something stable in other people's eyes. You want to ruin that, don't you?"

Another silence.

"Well, you had no right," he snaps. "Don't come near her again. Don't even try to approach her ever again. Like I said, it'll be my decision, not anyone else's." Another pause. "No, I don't miss it. She's enough for me, and she'll be enough from now on." I'm enough? He doesn't miss what?

I can't listen to any more of it. I just can't take it.

Propelling into action, I rush downstairs before he can find out that I've been eavesdropping, wiping my nose on my sleeve. I spot Taylor immediately by the elevator, waiting.

"Is everything okay, ma'am?" he asks, frowning. His concern almost causes me to break down completely.

"Please, take me home, Taylor," I beg. "Christian won't be coming."

XXX

I avoid further contact with Taylor as he opens the car door for me, sliding into the backseat. He shuts the door gently, then climbs into the front, and it's only when he's started driving that multiple feelings wash over me. Feelings of confusion, of grief.

This has all happened so suddenly. How did we get here so quickly?

It went from a few pretty good days together, getting to know each other, kissing, snuggling in bed, and then... this?

I just don't know what to think, but overhearing his phone call with his ex, it just confirms it. He is hiding something from me, something he's obviously frightened about me knowing. What? What could it possibly be that has him so frightened of me knowing?

My moment of staring blankly out the window is interrupted when my phone starts vibrating. I check who the caller is, and then the grief hits again, excruciatingly, poignantly.

Christian's attempting to call me, and the tears leak out of my eyes again uncontrollably.

I never thought it would be this hard, this whole soul mate thing. I thought it was supposed to be easy. Or was I just naive in thinking it would be?

I thought you met your soul mate, they give you color, and then everything is amazing. There would be no drama and no baggage. It'd just be happiness all the time and everything wouldn't be complicated, yet it's anything but that.

My mother's words of advice come back to me from on the phone...

"What you'll learn very early, is that just because you're soul mates, it doesn't mean it will be completely magical and smooth sailing from hereon out. It's also like a normal relationship, something I've learned since being with Ray all these years. You have to work hard at it, and then it will all eventually fall into place and get easier. I think we get too caught up in the idealization of what's to come regarding soul mates; in school, they hype it up so much, making it a fairy-tale- and in a big way, it is amazing and magical- so its a bit shocking when it becomes far different in reality than what we expected..."

Is this what she meant when she said that to me?

That there will be fights, and previous relationship baggage?

I think, ultimately, what I truly need is some space to think. Some time away might do me some good, just for a few days. Maybe I can see my mother and my Granny Rose in Georgia?

Maybe that's exactly what I need right now to clear my head and gain a better perspective on things?

My phone vibrates in my hand again. I don't even need to check who is calling to know it's him. Realizing I can't avoid him forever, I inhale in deeply, wiping my eyes again hastily before pressing answer.

I hold the phone to my ear, breathing deeply again.

"Ana?" The tone of his voice nearly breaks me. He sounds so sad, so miserable. "Are you still in the car with Taylor?"

I can only hope I don't sound like I've been crying as I answer. "Yes, Taylor's still driving."

"I'm sorry I raised my voice at you." It's funny that he only thinks to apologize over raising his voice at me. He clearly doesn't realize he should apologize for other things as well, like keeping whatever he is keeping away from me.

"I was thinking of visiting my mother and my Granny Rose for a while in Georgia."

"Your going to visit your mother and Gran?" His breathing goes more ragged on the other line. The thought of him, really upset... it's soul crushing. "How... how long for?"

"I'm not sure. Probably a couple of days."

"I've really fucked this up, haven't I?" he says in a raw, vulnerable voice.

I take a deep breath, trying not to start crying again. Has he? I'm not sure. "I... I just wanted to let you know where I'll probably be, just in case you began to worry," I mutter. "I just... I need some time and space. Everything's been happening so... so quickly."

He starts to say something else, but I can't handle it. Before I start succumbing to weeping, I hang up hastily, ending the call.

I think it's definitely what I need. A break away and time to think.

Sun, cocktails, my mom and the soothing company of my Granny Rose. Just time away.

Sorry for taking so long to update this one, I was getting too invested in updating my other story Blood and Bone that I completely forgot about this one. Not sure what you'll think of the direction I've taken. This is happy ever after by the way, but as with most things, there's some drama too. Ana just needs some space, and who knows who might turn up next chapter in Georgia to meet the family? Hope you won't hate me for doing this!