These next few days are particularly hard on me.

I do not feel the sadness I felt on the first day, just this great yawning emptiness. Simple actions are meaningless to me, such as getting change or wanting to go out. I cry sometimes, but there is little to no emotion that goes into it, as if my body is just doing what it needs to do. I do not feel sad, but I wonder what is the point to all of it

To get up and get dressed, what point is it to change, monsters are afraid to speak to me down here. They see me coming, they either get out of my way or are too intimidated to speak to me. No one comes through the ruins so a few days of none upkeep will not matter. My selves are stocked, for the time being so really there is no reason to leave.

I lay in my, cold, dark room for hours at a time. Staring absent-minded at the wall as I let my thoughts drift back and forth. They are fractured, every so often haunting memories of my own children's, not the fallen, but Chara and dear sweet Asriel's death.

Aware, had I had been more aware to what they spoke of in those silent whispers. Had I had seen those private glances between one another…. Aware, had I kept a closer eye over the both of them. Their death was my fault. Had I had stressed to Chara how much I loved them they wouldn't…...wouldn't have felt the need to take their own life the way they did…Their death was not an easy one. Buttercup poisoning is by far…. the most gruesome of deaths, maybe if Asgore and I had seen the symptoms maybe they could have been saved, but…. but we did not. We assumed it was an illness, even when I left, with my child, I still thought.

Was it me? Was I not loving enough as a mother? Was I not strong enough as a remodel. I cannot grasp where I failed, save for one area. I was not aware enough. Then Asriel gathered their body and took their soul, he crossed the barrier. He was a good brother and would fulfill his siblings greatest wish. That cost my sweet baby his life. Why? WHY did they both feel the need to do this. Why?

I shut my eyes tightly as I feel the walls begin to blur, because their mother was worthless. She was more asinine than the rest and was the most blind. She assumed everything was fine. She…I…Assumed everything was fine. It was not. Asriel's death hurt, but it opened my eyes to some truths.

Not everyone will understand a mother's pain. Not everyone will see a remodel crumble. I lost two children in one night, I wished for one or two kind words of comfort, but no. I received nothing but empty words and false sympathy. They wanted their freedom, and with both children gone. They lost it. They were in morning, but more for the chance to see sunlight again, not for my children.

I see now, my next course of action was not the correct one. Instead of leaving my people I should have given my support, but at the time, I was heartbroken. I…I was not strong enough to deal with anything other than grief. I kept thinking of them, Chara so ill so fragile against their bed sheets as they took their final gasps. Asriel's dissolving body in our throne room, dust covering my…. body...

I feel tears sting my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

You know, even now, I still smell bile and medication when I walk past the children's room, and in the flower garden, every so often I smell dust mingle with the scent of buttercups. I believe those smells will never leave me in my immortal life, nor the memories of the others who have fallen to the hands of Asgore.

He…He never had a chance to meet them, to really talk to them and understand. Many forgive him for what he did, but I cannot. Not when I had talked to them, lived with them and loved them. They became as much my children as Asriel and Chara, and it hurts. It hurts that no one but me shall know their names. I believe it will be my secret to keep for all eternity.

The patient one, who waited with me the longest.

The brave one who went out bravely wanting a way to go home.

The integral one who wished to speak to Asgore about his morel wrongs.

The perseverant one who faced great obstacles but still went on despite them.

The kind one who only wanted to help and do the right thing.

The one who stood for justice who wished to go on, and just go home.

I know that they fell to Asgores hands, he is still alive and I have never heard of them from then on. I…I allowed them to their deaths. I let them die. I try, and try as a mother but I fail on even a basic level. I am no more than I coward.

A coward. An arsine coward who is no more than a pathetic whelp. I do not deserve to morn. I abandoned my people on selfish desires and am lower that than Asgore himself. For all the hatred I have for him, for all the evil he has done. I still played a role in the deaths of seven children. No matter how many times I shall wash my hands they shall never be clean.

I shut my eyes as I curl into a ball on my bed.

I just want the pain to stop. That is all. I do not want to hurt anymore.

I feel tired of everything, tired of breathing, of moving, of living in general. I only wish for my children back. The days where they would sneak into my bed after a bad nightmare. Hunting bugs together. I just wanted my babies back to me.

I find myself moving robotically. Chara, I forgot to water Chara's…Chara's plot today or weed it. I need to go and do that now, or the weeds will overtake the flowers. I have to make sure that they are watered or the flower will die. It was hard enough to get them to bloom, without magic, harder still with no direct sunlight and even one day of non-maintenance could spell disaster for the flower bed.

Even now at my lowest I am still tending to that little grave. It is all I have left. I mean, who else will tend to the flowers if I do not.

I grab my robe, there is no need to get dressed, I shall do that later. I just need. I need to water the flowers and weed the garden. Taking a deep breath, I make the short trip to the flower bed, ignoring all else. As predicted, there is no one in the way or near me. My boss monster status scaring them into hiding.

It possibly does not help I look a frightful mess. My fur around me wildly sticking this way and that, save for the two paths of matted fur running down both my cheeks. My eyes swollen, and red. Not the warm amber color they normally hold, but bloodshot and puffy, and I am still in my nightgown and robe. But none of that matters to me. Why should it.

I am not meeting anyone important. I just want to weed and water the plants. Then go lay down. Not move. For a very long time.

I get there in record time actually, with me being the only one to maintain the puzzles in the ruins, they have yet to be re-calibrated. Getting to the flower bed I set straight to work getting on my hands and knees robotically and working efficiently.

In all honesty, I hate buttercups. I hate them so much because they took my child from me, but, Chara wished to see them one last time, and these buttercups are special. These flowers were the ones that Asriel…. Died on…. In a sad way they are together forever, so long I maintain them. And Maintain them I shall.

Crushed flowers, grass and mud stain my robe and nightgown, I do not care as I finish by watering them. I turn and head back home. The walk silent and solemn.

Once I enter the house I walk to my bedroom in the dark, but something stops me. It was a sound. I look towards the basement sighing, I do not wish to talk to him now. Strangely though I feel myself walking towards the stairs, then down them. I close my eyes as I can hear him now clearly.

"Knock, knock. Come on lady knock, knock…. Please…. Knock…. Knock."

I grunt lightly as I let myself plop in front of the door and lean into the cold surface. It feels nice against my overheated face.

"Lady please…. Answer me…. Knock, knock…."

I close my eyes and hoarsely answer. My voice raw and weak from crying and nonuse.

"Who is it."

I do not have the strength nor the willpower to answer in our familiar banter. I only wish to get him to leave.

"Heh, you're supposed to say whose there…. But I'll let it slide. Missu."

I blinked my mind not really processing what he is saying.

"Missu?"

More of his weak chuckling.

"I've missu. Lady…what happened… one minute we're talking then you go off, for days. I thought…."

I look at the door and lean into it.

"Forgive me. I have been a bad friend." I hear my voice waver, another thing I have failed at.

"Wha? Look lady I can't get in there but I can assure you taking a few days off isn't being a bad friend I was just worried about you."

Lies, no one would worry about me, not the real me and certainly not him. Just more empty words and false sympathies. I look down, my voice sounds hallow, robotic.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to worry you. I…I am feeling better now." I am surprised how calm and almost cold I sound.

"Nope, don't believe you. Alright, I've been saving these for the MTT stage but ya asked for it lady."

"Please, pun don't." I barely manage to get out before he started.

"What do subatomic ducks say? Quark." I blink and stare at the door. What was he doing?

"Did ya hear about the book I've been reading, it's about helium, and well it's hard to put down."

Why is he doing this?

"What do you call a fake noodle? An Im-pasta-nator."

What does he have to gain from all this, why can't he leave me alone.

"How many Authors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2- one to screw in the lightbulb and the other to write about the experience."

Why can't he just go away like everyone else.

"What's White and black and red all over? An embarrassed skunk."

I take a deep breath, ready to tell him that's enough, but I find myself faltering, I took another breath, then another. Soon I realize I am hyperventilating as he speaks on. Joke after joke. Like the only thing driving him on…is to hear me laugh. I look down and realize my dress is starting to get wet. I am crying again.

"Why did the old man throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly."

Why doesn't he stop, why does he keep going, surly…it isn't to hear me laugh? No…It cannot be. However, then why is he here. Trying so desperately joke after joke, I cannot fathom what drives him for the life of me.

"Did ya hear the story about the annoying vampire? He was a pain in the neck-"

That one was horrible even for him, but weakly I cracked a smile. I leaned into the door and hugged myself as I laughed, I laughed so hard I was crying. Why was he doing this. Why not go away and leave me alone like the monsters in the ruins do. I am not worth the trouble.

It took me a long time before I realized he had stopped talking. I bowed my head, I scared him away.

Taking a shaky breath, I moved to stand, my legs- no every part of me feeling weak.

"Lady…ya feeling better?"

I look at the door shocked. I cover my mouth and bowed my head.

"Yes…thank you…I'm so sorry…I did not mean to worry you…truly…Thank you…for…trying to make me feel better…"

"Eh, don't sweat it. Ya okay, I don't mean to pry and feel free to tell me off. If. If I'm getting to personal…but you sound like you need someone to talk to."

I look at the door tiredly. Then down at my arms, I feel weak, so old as my body is, despite the youthful appearance.

"Yes…. I believe I do want to talk."