A/N: Okay so this was one of the fanfiction ideas I've had in my head since like forever but I never really had a reason to write it out before now, so here you go.
I would do my standard thing and have several chapters written in advance, but since I'm having some problems with Word you'll have to be patient for me to finish (and polish) chapter 2 instead of having it in a couple of days. It's like 99% done tho, so I pretty much just need to wrap it up and add the post-chapter A/N.
I feel like this is the 167th HM fanfic with a title along the lines of "How to be a Heartbreaker" orz. It's also the title to this fic's theme song, so to speak – How To Be A Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds. I recommend you check it out!
ONWARDS!
It wasn't every day you got to talk to a "deity." I only wished my experience was more pleasant. I guess it wasn't enough for me to merely be here on this mountain and try to get two rivaling towns to reconcile; the harvest "goddess" wanted me to do something else alongside. It just so happens to be the absolute worst thing I could ever do with my previous assignment re: rivals-to-friend towns.
"That has to be the most horrible thing a human being could ever do. Count me out, lady." There are not very many places you can go in a Matrix-esque White Space, so it's not like I could just walk out while doing a double-birdie. I really wanted too, though.
The harvest "goddess" herself was a mish-mash of spring-colored fabric and hair. Sure, you could tell she had made an effort to clean herself up, but since she was supposedly all things nature there are some mud stains that won't wash away. It's not like I care, anyway. "It's not that bad, Diana. You said so yourself – these boys are little more than zeroes and ones. Besides, you've never had the experience of being loved by someone; I feel that is a terrible shame that needs corrected! I'm doing you a favor."
"Two questions – wouldn't that mean you're a bunch of zeroes and ones too, and how the hell is this a favor?" My hands found themselves shooting towards the sky. "I mean, what you're asking me to do is ridiculous! It's emotional manipulation, and I am not okay with that – zeros and ones be danged!"
HG huffed. "Fine then!" She suddenly seemed to gain at least five feet in height, and I will swear this upon my death bed, she literally had smoke coming out of her ears. "Since you can't seem to see things my way, I guess you just won't leave until you do! You have four years to get all the bachelors to love you. Time starts now."
Darkness.
(I am not trying to seduce you)
When I dance they call me Macarena
And the boys they say que estoy buena
They all want me, they can't have me
So they all come and dance beside me
Move with me, chant with me
And if you're good I'll take you home with me
BANG BANG BANG
"WHERE'S THE FIRE?" Abrupt awakenings were never my thing, and since I somehow managed to jump and fall out of bed, I'm certain my hind quarters feel the same way.
Oh yeah, I'm still...here. Yup.
"No fire!" The very distinct voice of the town's mayor punched through my door. "It's just me, Ina! I wanted to see how you're getting settled."
I blink. "Oh. Hang on; I'll get the door for you." My bed-sheets return to their proper place thanks to a well-placed backwards kick, and despite the fact I'm still in my pajamas and probably have bed head like no one's business I waddle over to my front door and open it.
Ina looked much as she always did – professional. Her hair was perfectly straight; not a hair out of its proper place. Whatever the heck her traditional mayoral garb was, well, it looked like it had been freshly washed and pressed. The little jewel on her headband sparkled like she had trapped a star inside and was holding it hostage. Konohana's mayor examined my state of dress with her onyx-colored eyes before shaking her head and sighing. "You really need to stop sleeping in, Diana. One you're all washed and dressed, I am going to show you the town's request board." She had a slight accent – or was it lilt? – to her voice, and every word hung with the authority she possessed.
I guess I didn't have a say in the matter – I opened the door a bit wider. "I'll be fifteen minutes at most. There are tea bags in the upper-left cupboard, next to the fridge. Sorry – this is the first day I've slept in all week. I promise."
Ina's response was a simple, "Hm," but it was better than nothing so I took my chances and jumped into the shower.
The water was freezing since I didn't have time to let it heat up. Nonetheless, it didn't take me long to get clean, dry and dressed – I probably set a new record. Ina was in the kitchen sipping tea when I finished brushing my hair and headed out.
"Ten minutes on the dot. I'm impressed." Ina put the empty cup into my sink and wiped some invisible dust bunnies off her shirt. "Well, come on, then. No use in wasting the day."
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!
(Ay!)
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!
(Ay!)
Ina finished her spiel just in time for me to finish my daily chores (not that there were many – I was just getting started, after all) and notice the letter on my doorstep.
The letter wasn't anything special – just the H.G. informing me of how many days I had left to do the task she asked/forced me to do. I didn't bother paying attention to the number – something in the one-thousand range, at least.
It was a lovely spring day. The air was filled with the sounds of countless insects and animals, and smelled fresh after last night's rain. A leaf got stuck in my hair, but I brushed it out without thinking. The sun lit everything with a special glow…sure, this place was beautiful, but could I stand living four whole years here?
A voice snapped me out of my reverie. "Good morning, Diana." I turned around and saw Nori with a parasol to protect her delicate skin from the sun's rays. "Are you feeling well? You've been standing here for quite some time."
The right side of my mouth pushed its way into one-half of a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just…thinking. You know how it is."
"Ah," Nori and I stood next to each other in companionable silence for a few moments. "You know…"
"Hm?" I snapped my head up, momentarily ignoring whatever it was I was doing with my hands. A quick glance down revealed a bit of string I was busy tying knots into.
"Oh, I was just going to say…whatever it is that's bothering you, well…I'm certain you'll do wonderfully on it." She looked down and pulled a pouch from a small handbag at her side. "Grampa wanted to give you these. They're asparagus seeds – he thought you might like growing them."
I took the pouch of seeds. "Thank you very much, Nori. For…all of that. I really needed the help."
Nori smiled. "You're very welcome. I'm heading down to Yun's for some lunch…would you care to join me?"
"I'd love to!" My face broke out into a grin. "I'll pay. I still have some spare cash."
Now don't you worry about my boyfriend
The boy whose name is Vitorino
Ha! I don't want him, can't stand him
He was no good so I, ha ha ha
(Now come on, what was I supposed to do?
He was out of town and his two friends were so fine)
Nori was always soft-spoken, so most of the conversation rested on me. I decided to tell her some stories from my family in-between bites of the soup of the day. Of course, it helps that my family is kind of the weirdest. Even Yun laughed a couple times! "So then I turn to my mom and-"
"Diana! Where have you been?" The doors flew open like some sort of western film, and in walked the doctor's apprentice, Hiro. The poor guy's hair was in disarray; he looked pretty mad. I slapped a palm to my forehead.
"My appointment! Gosh, Hiro, I'm so sorry – I completely forgot." I turned to Nori. She gave me a sympathetic smile before doing the "shoo" hand gesture.
Hiro grabbed my arm, barely waiting for me to drop some coins on the table before pulling me out of the restaurant. Well, I say "pulled" - it was more letting him escort me across town; since I'm like 90% sure I could just yank myself out of his grip with ease.
The inside of the clinic was pleasantly cool. Ayame looked up from her spot behind the desk and looked like she was trying very hard to not laugh. "Careful there, Hiro. You might go so far as cute someone to death."
Hiro's face suddenly decided it wanted to be a deep shade of rouge today. "I am not cute! Besides, this isn't the time for that discussion. You," he released my wrist and pointed at one of the examination tables. "Sit."
"Sup, Dr. Ayame." I waved at the doctor on my way to my "ultimate doom"
"Hello, Diana. You're early." She smirked at me and returned to her paperwork.
Hiro spent a few minutes getting everything set up while I just sort of sat there. I had no idea how long it had been since my last real doctor's appointment was, so I supposed God only knows what's going to go down here. Eventually, the silence began to make me feel uncomfortable. "Look man, I'm really sorry I forgot about this. I'm still sort of getting settled and stuff, y'know?"
Hiro shook his head while adjusting a stethoscope to fit his ears. "No, no, no. I should have waited until you were finished with your meal. That was rather rude of me, and I am deeply sorry."
I laughed. "We're cool. No harm, no foul. Now I'll just sort of shut up and let you do your thing."
My check-up went pretty smooth. As far as both of us could tell, I was the image of perfect health. I don't know what I expected. Ayame poked her head through the sheets they hung up around the examination table for privacy reasons. "Good job, kiddo. Both of you have earned a gold star sticker."
I slid off the table and threw my hands in the air dramatically. "Yay! I love stickers!"
Hiro rolled his eyes. "Dr. Ayame, must you insist on treating me like a child?"
Ayame ruffled his hair. "That's because you are one, bud. What do you think, Diana?" she grabbed his head to where his lips were pursed and tilted his head toward me. "Kid or adult?"
I let out a snort, failing to suppress a smile. "I'd like to plead the fifth. Besides, I really got to get going. See you two around, yeah?"
Hiro wiggled his way free from Ayame's grip and insisted on seeing me off. "Very well. I do hope you shall stop by again soon."
"Bring sweets!" Ayame called from the back of the building. "Hiro loves those!"
The door to the clinic swung shut as Hiro let out another call of "Doctor Ayameeee!"
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!
(Ay!)
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!
(Ay!)
I had managed to pick up a few basic requests before beginning to climb the mountain. I still had plenty of time left in the day to scavenge before heading back home, anyway. Maybe I'll visit Laney, too.
It should be no surprise that I introduced myself to the Bluebell townsfolk ASAP. Mostly because according to an agreement made between the mayors and I, I'd be spending this year's summer and winter in the European-styled town. Also because I was just curious, I guess. Everyone was super nice to me – probably because I was arguably the only neutral party in this feud.
The mountain stood as a sentinel between the two towns. All the flora and fauna seemed to shimmer with life in the bright spring afternoon. I'd quickly acquired an eye for what's ready to harvest and what wasn't, and alongside leaving treats for all the local animals, I was fairly certain I was rapidly getting an ally in the mountain.
I'll admit to singing while I climbed, regardless if it made me look like a Disney princess or not. It's not like there was much else to do, really. After two or three songs, I reached the top of the mountain. The goddess spring looked as cool and clear as ever, but I decided to pass on giving an offering today. It's not like I had anything on me she'd like at the moment.
I made it down to the Bluebell side of the mountain in record time – it took me about a song and a half. No one was hanging around at the village entrance, which was probably for the best.
Bluebell was just as peaceful and quiet as Konohana, the main difference, of course, being the overall flair of both towns, as well as its inhabitants. Speaking of which, it took approximately thirty-five seconds before Georgia leapt over the fence keeping her horses penned in and gave me a hug.
"Diana! What are you doing here?" Her fluffy ginger hair was the sort that looked nice even if it was terribly unkempt, and for that I will always be envious. At least her hugs were on point.
"Surprise!" I laughed, letting the girl go. "You didn't think we'd hang out for a couple of days and then I'd be gone until next season, did you? Pshaw." One of the many horses in Georgia's care – the one in particular was a chestnut-colored beauty – walked up to the edge of the fence and gave me a friendly whinny. I gave its nose a pat in return.
"Well, of course I never actually thought that, but farmin' is a tough job! I thought you'd be too busy for anyone 'round these parts! C'mon, let's go bother Cam and Laney." Georgia had a much stronger grip than Hiro, although that wasn't saying much. She partially dragged, partially walked me to Bluebell's cafe and flower stand. Cam was way too focused on his flowers to give two rips about me, and this was probably for the best. Ever since I passed the goddess pond, I couldn't get my "objective" out of my head. Knowing Cam, he'd probably tell I had something on my mind, and the poor man was too socially awkward that any attempts of help would just be super uncomfortable for the two of us.
"Stay here, I want to surprise her." Georgina pushed me into a chair at one of the outside tables and stomped inside the café.
There were a few moments of silence before I felt Cam's eyes on me. "Hello, Diana."
I looked up to meet his gaze, putting a small smile on my face. "Hey-o. How's the stand?"
Cam adjusted his hat before replying. "Good. How's the farm?"
"Good." Fudge, what was I supposed to say? My hand drifted down to my rucksack, where I suddenly remembered a particularly nice wildflower I'd found. "Hey, I got something for ya."
Cam moved around his stand, but didn't come any closer. He crossed his arms, as well. It's as if he gets off on appearing unapproachable. "Oh?"
I stood and handed the flower to him. Somehow, it remained un-crumpled "Here. Found it in the mountains and I thought you'd, y'know, like to take a look."
Cam took the flower and held it in his delicate hands, examining it carefully. It wasn't anything super special or rare – just a magic blue flower – but he handled it like one would a newborn child. "Thank you, Diana. It's a wonderful specimen." He put it away somewhere, but I was too distracted by the ruckus suddenly coming from the café to notice where.
"Diana!" Laney leapt on me, and I laughed and swung her around like she was my little sister before putting her down. "It's so good to see you! How are you doing? Do you need anything to drink? Has anyone-"
"She's fine," Cam said, putting his hands in his pockets. "She just told me."
Laney blinked. "Oh! Well, at least let me get you some tea."
I shook my head, biting the inside of my cheek. "No need. I, uh…I already had plenty to drink on my way here."
Georgia laughed and clapped my shoulder. "It's okay to say you don't like tea, girl. No one's going to gut ya for that. Sit down! You just walked across the whole mountain – I think you deserve a rest!" She almost pushed me into a chair, before taking a seat across from me, pressing her fingertips together and looking fake-serious. "Tell me about all the goings-on at the other town. I need to know if they're treating you right!"
Laney leapt into action. "Wait for me to get some cakes at least. I don't want to miss a second. Uh, Cam, do you-"
"I'll help." Cam followed his (childhood friend? Adoptive sister? Who even knows) inside. All the ruckus we were making seemed to attract the attention of Ash's little sister, Cheryl, who ran up to us in no time at all.
"Diana!" She scrambled into my lap. "You're here!"
I laughed. "C'mon, guys, it's literally been like a week. Have you all missed me that much?"
"Yes!" Cheryl threw her hands in the air dramatically. "Who else is going to go bug catching with me?"
The doors to the café threw themselves open again. Both Laney and Cam were laden down with plates full of drinks and snacks and the like, and somehow everything found a place on the table. "I don't want you heading back up that blasted mountain on an empty stomach, no sir!" Laney huffed, slamming a tray of delicacies on the table.
Cam snuck Cheryl some sweets and told her to head home – she did, even if we could still hear her complaining for some time. Laney took a seat to my left. "Now," she said, gripping a cup of tea so hard her knuckles turned white. "I don't want you to spare a single detail, do you hear me?"
I spent a short while grabbing a little bit of everything and a cup of warm milk. "All right," I took a bite out of one of those itty-bitty sandwiches. (I love those things.) "What do you want to know first?"
"What is the plant life like?" Cam asked from my right. How I missed him taking a seat, I don't know.
"You and your flowers, Cam." Georgia giggled from behind a scone.
Thus began an impromptu AMA starring me. I answered everyone's questions as best I could, and between the four of us we managed to eat all the food. Everyone seemed…genuinely curious about Konohana. It was kind of nice, actually. But something seemed to be missing.
"Wait a sec," I looked around. "Where's Ash?"
Laney shrugged my question off. "He and his mother went to the city to restock early this morning. Eileen is babysitting. So, have you heard the news? There's supposed to be a mailman coming this summer."
I raised my eyebrows and tried very hard to act surprised. "Really? That's interesting."
Georgina nodded along with her friend. "They say that although he'll live in the other town, he exchanges letters and stuff between both towns and beyond. Weird, right?"
Cam shrugged. "No difference to me. Hey, Diana?"
I met Cam's eyes again, this time with a mouth full of chocolate chocolate chip muffin. "Hm?"
"Shouldn't you be heading back? It'll be dark soon," He had been doing napkin origami absentmindedly this entire time, and had a large collection of fake cats and flowers to show for it. I swallowed my bite and slapped a hand to my forehead.
"Crap! Sorry, guys, I really gotta go. I'll be back again soon!"
After a very hasty good-bye in which Laney shoved another muffin in my hands and Georgia gave me one of her bear hugs, I sprinted down the cobblestone road and up the moderately steep incline of the mountain.
(Ay! Ay!)
(Ay! Ay!)
(Ay! Ay!)
(I am not trying to seduce you)
(Ay!)
M-M-Macarena
M-M-Macarena
M-M-Macarena
(Ay!)
M-M-Macarena
M-M-Macarena
M-M-Macarena
Macaren, Macaren, Macaren, Macarena
I found myself back home just as the sun clocked out and the moon clocked in. My evening chores were a snap, and in no time at all I had pulled on my pajamas and clambered into bed. In spite of everything that happened that day, one thing was stuck in my mind – a number. A number that had already ticked down one.
1460 days left.
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!
(Ay!)
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena!
(Ay!)
FUN FACTS DIDYA KNOW:
-Diana is the Roman name of the Greek goddess Artemis, a goddess well-known for her chastity. I named our protagonist after that because IRONY.
-In case you're wondering what all those italics are from and what they're for, they're the lyrics to a party song I really like called – you guessed it – "Macarena." It's by far my favorite thing to dance to. Each chapter will feature a girl-player/girl-power song like this because IRONY. I already have quite a few lined up, but if you would like to recommend a tune (or think it's just distracting), let me know!
-In my personal head canons, Cam is the silent observer type. Also, if Marvelous would let characters say more than the same thing all day every day, Ayame would be the Nancy to Hiro's Dolce and I'd love it. (Nancy and Dolce are characters from Rune Factory 4. I highly recommend you look it up!)
IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: MORE HILARIOUS ANTICS!
See you around!
~SLA