AN: Hello Readers! I can't believe it's been over a month since I've updated. Yikes, well I guess this will serve as my unannounced announced hiatus for the summer. I am simply too busy between work, my family & friends, my animals and myself. I hope to have another chapter up for Feel It by the end of next week. And after that, I probably won't be around until Mid-October (I'm going on EU holiday & then I have a 2-week US trip for work). Nonetheless, for those of you who are still reading/interested THANK YOU!

This is a pretty long chapter, but I wanted to set some character tones and also introduce some more characters.

Have a good summer!

Chapter 6

"How's the new house Arizona?"

"Amazing. I just wish I've been able to spend time in it Meredith. Callie and I have been living there for 2 weeks and I've only slept in my California king four nights. Four."

"Well that's what happens when Seattle's finest neonatal PEDs surgeon takes a week off, boss."

"Karev, are you brown nosing? You know, it doesn't do any good to suck up" Meredith deadpanned across the operating table. The trio of doctors we're currently performing a liver transplant on a 5 year old. "Kissing ass is never a good thing Karev."

"Especially when he doesn't need to kiss ass or is an ass kisser. Are you sick Karev?" Arizona asked in a concerned tone.

"Dude, I can't say my boss is the best? Because I swear, I don't know how you run two departments. That's sickening." The two women just stared at him. "Jeez, forget I said anything."

"Oh, nonsense Karev. You're an excellent surgeon. Arizona is an amazing teacher if she could teach you one of the more challenging expertise. And I am brown nosing."

"Can the both of you stop kissing my ass?" Arizona lolled.

"Dude, no one wants to kiss your ass."

The trio share a small laugh and continue their work in silence. A signature ding of an iPhone rung through the room.

"Dr. Robbins, you have several text messages."

"Can you read who there from Nurse Hilary?"

"You have one from Teddy, two from your wife, and a bunch in your group - uh RobbinsHood?"

Karev and Meredith let out a laugh. "Wait, you and your brothers have a group chat called 'RobbinsHood'. That's pretty a lame name."

"Shut it Karev or you'll be doing charts for the next week. Nurse, can you open Callie's messages and read them to me."

"She said, 'congrats on getting a new liver!' And then she said 'I'll see you tonight when you get home'."

"Can you reply 'thank you and I should be home by 730 xoxo'? Thank you nurse."

Whenever they typed "xoxo" is was a code that they were not the ones texting, it was someone else. They had learned the hard way one day when Arizona became a bit riskay and decided to send Calliope a few X rated texts. Unbeknownst to Callie, she asked the nurse to read it out loud, only to find out her very, very horny wife was waiting for her at home with nothing on.

Following that incident, Arizona was called "Riskay-Robbins" for the next month.

"She replied back with a bunch of flower emojis and a heart eyes emoji." The nurse said skeptically.

Now Meredith was laughing a bit more uncontrollably. "Looks like you won't be sleeping much tonight either Arizona."

"Um, do you want me to send anything back Dr. Robbins?"

"No thank you nurse."

Passing a questioning look towards her superior, Meredith didn't press the issue. She knew first-hand what the couple went through to have Sofia, and that nearly ruined them. Twice.

XXX

"Karev, excellent work! You can close up and go speak to the parents. I need to get off of my feet. I am exhausted."

"No problem Robbins, thanks for letting me lead."

"You earned it. Grey, I think we can let our protégés handle this, scrub out with me."

Meredith didn't play a vital role in the surgery, she did however retrieve the organ vital to save this small humans life. Following the blonde out, they both let out an exaggerated sigh.

"Great work Robbins."

"No, you did great work. Amazing work. Without that liver that child was looking at another 6 months of life in a bed, now he can be a normal child and go to preschool. Thank you."

Simply nodding, "So, I didn't know you and Callie were trying again."

"H-how did you know? Did Callie tell you?" Arizona certainly didn't want to share the intimate details of her life, considering all that had previously happened.

"Arizona, the ovulation app? The 'flower days?' You think Callie is the only one using it?"

Trying to divert the attention of the conversation, "so you're trying for a baby?"

"Yes, no. I guess we'll see what happens. But I'd like to expand my family if at all possible. Now what about you? You just bought a big huge house and Callie is patiently waiting for you! When did you change your mind?"

Arizona didn't like to divulge much information about her private life to her fellow doctors - since it always bit her in the ass. However, when the shit hit the fan the last time, Meredith was there for Callie. So she could respect that. "We are. I guess, I've done a decent amount of thinking. I would love for Sofia to have a younger sibling. Or several. So yes, we're starting our trial tonight, I guess. Uhh, crap, TMI much?" Arizona winced, did she really just out and say she was trying to knock up her wife tonight? "Um, anyways. I should get going you know. Callie is waiting."

Meredith nodded, "Of course. We'll have a good night. And remember, be patient, I'm sure everything will be okay." She squeezed Arizona arm and the dirty blonde left the scrub room. She sat and thought about what Meredith had just said, patient. Be patient.

A whirlwind of thoughts began to plague the surgeon's mind. What if it doesn't work? What if it's like last time? Pushing the thoughts from her mind she closed her office door and headed towards the staff parking lot. No, it won't be like last time. Not at all.

Turning the key in the ignition and pulling from her spot, no way could anything ever be like last time..

Roughly Three Years Earlier

"Arizona? Are you almost done packing? Our plane leaves in 2 hours and we can't miss this flight"

Rolling her neck and eyes for probably the hundredth time in the last 24 hours, she grumbled out "Yes, I am. I am sorry that there was a dying child who required a kidney transplant that so happened to come from that kid who was stuck in that frozen pond and ending up dying on my table. But what I am most sorry for missing that damned flight last night."

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh, but it had be the most chaotic 72 hours for the pediatric surgeon ever. Nonstop accidents caused by the freezing temps, the sullen families who would be spending their holiday in a hospital instead of their home, not to mention the other thing that has been haunting her for the last eight months.

The fact her more than fertile wife was not getting pregnant. Despite everything Arizona tried, she could not knock up this woman. Granted she was a genetic mutation walking around, she had come to terms with that. Granted the cock between her legs was never guaranteed to work. Fine. But this, seeing her wife let down time after time to a negative pregnancy test broke her heart in the worst way. Merely three days prior, she told Callie she was done trying to have children and that they should consider adopting, but not for a while.

Callie was hurt, but took the offer. She knew Arizona was hurting in her own way, and didn't want to press the issue.

However, now her wife was running on her very last nerve. She was shutting her out left and right, and was speaking to her like she was a villain.

"Excuse me Arizona? You know what? I think I'll just spend the holiday with my parents in Miami. You've been talking to me like a piece of trash, and I can't take another one of your smart ass comments. Not now, not tomorrow and certainly not on MY vacation time."

Arizona sprinted from the bedroom into the living room to apologize to her wife.

"Calliope! Wait, I'm sorry. Please. I didn't mean that. I've, I'm just a-a monster. An angry, upset, monster. Please, come with me to Virginia."

Callie had a hard time staying mad at those frowning dimples, since she was so addicted to the smiling version of them. But that was the problem. Arizona wasn't smiling anymore. She was irritable, short tempered and downright nasty sometimes.

"Sweetheart, you are not a monster. Acting like one, yes, but I didn't marry a monster. Why are you so down? Talk to me please. I am your wife." She grabbed her hands and sat on the edge of their dining room table, forcing the blonde to stay put.

"Callie. I-i, I'm a failure." She sobbed out, tucking her head to her own chest. "Can't you just fucking see that? I am a failure to you!"

Callie picked up her pointed chin, "Zona, sweetheart, what do you mean failure? You're not making any sense."

"Callie, I can't give you what you want. I tried so hard for this. To accept this part of me and-and it's failed. I bent and agreed to start a family with you and I'm failing already."

Callie didn't speak. Instead, she examined her wife, her demeanor, mood, and expression. She wasn't sure if she should be upset by what her wife had just told her. Arizona was anything but a failure - but for a Type-A know it all - this could feel very much like failure. On the other hand, was this her wife's way of saying she no longer wanted a family anymore? The brunette knitted her brows together and really thought out her response.

Was this the end of their barely even started family?

Callie couldn't respond because the chiming iPhone in Arizona back pocket began to ring. The distinct chime of none other than the hospital calling.

And just like that, on the drop of a dime Arizona stopped the flood gates. Rubbing out her eyes and taking a few deep breathes she answered her phone.

"Robbins" ... "Okay, Karev, what happened?" ... "Yes I am home - but why?" ... "Listen, okay, yes you're right. Okay, no no. You can't call me and tell me that and expect me to fly across the country. I'll be there in 15. Don't start without me"

"Arizona. What's going on? It's December 23rd. Two days before Christmas and three days into OUR vacation! I can't reschedule this flight again! At this rate, we won't get to Virginia until next year!"

Calming herself further, "Callie, I'm aware. But my kidney transplant went septic and is now rejecting it. He's en route to surgery now. I-I have to go. This family, may never get to see him again. I'm sorry."

She couldn't get mad at her wife - this was her passion. It was what made Arizona Robbins the best pediatric surgeon on the west coast and arguably the nation. But she was. She was pissed. Royally pissed. Aside from her crabby attitude and refusal to admit any wrong doing, she still didn't open up.

Callie reached her breaking point now. But she kept her cool. That's how she was raised. Keep it cool under pressure. Keep the pristine image despite the fire raging inside. It was papa Torres told her as a child, and it's how papa Torres became the most respected real estate mogul in the world.

Cool as a cucumber despite the fact she wanted to scream at her wife for the last three months of her shitty attitude. She could scream so loud that papa Torres would hear her all the way in Miami. But she remained, cool as a cucumber as Arizona ran around the house and got ready for her emergency surgery.

"Sweetie. I'm sorry, but-I have to do this. I promise, I'll be in Virginia for Christmas dinner."

The blonde didn't even bother promising Christmas Eve because she knew she wouldn't make it.

"Don't. Apologize. Any. More. I'll see you in Virginia for Christmas dinner." She placed a light kiss on her cheek, "Now, go and save that tiny human. Go." It was a command. Arizona Robbins knew she was far in shit with her wife. But this; this case had followed her since she joined SGMW.

She couldn't lose him now. Not days before Christmas.

XXX

The brunette boarded her flight to Dulles airport merely hours later. She was heading to the Robbins' homestead without her wife, which felt weird but refreshing. Knowing she was on a short fuse, it was probably for the better. Due to arrive at 5 AM, her brother-in-law said he'd pick her up. She was more than excited to see the eldest Robbins, Anthony, back from overseas for the first time in years. Out of the three brothers, Anthony was secretly her favorite. He always seemed to be in tune with Callie and Arizona more than he led on.

Of course Timothy would always side with Arizona, and James, well, he just kept to himself. Middle child syndrome at best.

Stretching her legs out in her first class seat, she settled in with a glass of Merlot, gearing up for her red eye flight.

XXX

"How long has he been out?"

"40 minutes boss. What are we going to do? His body can't handle any more stress."

"I'm aware Karev. Has anyone spoken to the parents? We're going to have to try dialysis and continue antibiotics."

"No I haven't. Do you want me too boss?"

"No, I want you with me when we tell them what we're doing."

Alex stutters, "Uh. Um. Yeah. Sure."

"Karev, can you do this or not?" Arizona was stern with her resident.

"I can do it if he can't."

"Dr. Grey, I appreciate the enthusiasm but you are not my resident. Moreover, you're general, not PEDs. If Dr. Karev wants to excel in my department he will come speak to the parents with me. Right. Now."

Meredith shut her mouth and looked to Alex. He was a deer in headlight. As much as Arizona had a connection with this patient, so did Alex.

"I'll go with you Dr. Robbins."

They met with the nerve stricken parents. Went over the details and answered their questions. Hope. Its one thing every pediatric case had, it was hope. And she was hoping for a Christmas miracle. Maybe even praying, that this tiny human life fought a little longer, a little harder, and pulled through.

It wasn't fair, but it was the nature of the job. So, if sitting next to her patient while he underwent various doses of antibiotics or treatment while sitting in a neutropenic room meant she felt better about it, had more hope, then so be it.

XXX

"Good morning passengers. This is your captain speaking. We have been cleared for landing in Dulles Airport. Touch down will be about – uh, 20 minutes. Cabin crew prepare for landing."

Groaning and stretching from her seat, Callie took a peak out of her window to see the barren landscape of Norther Virginia below her. Grateful she slept for those five hours, she knew she would need all the sleep and then some if she was spending the holiday with the Robbins clan.

Riding boots clicked along the linoleum floors of the airport, busy with all types of holiday travelers. She looked for the eldest Robbins, who was easiest to spot, standing proudly at 6 foot 6 inches, with bleach blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, dimples to boot. So maybe the entire family was painfully, perfectly, gorgeous.

"CALLIE! Over here!"

"ANTHONY!" She wrapped her brother in law up in a bear hug, she missed him maybe more than Arizona.

"How's my other lil sis doing?"

"I'm doing Tony, I am just doing it."

"I don't like that sound Cal, let's grab your bags and some breakfast you must be starving."

"Please! I haven't ate since lunch yesterday!"

Callie appreciated Tony, he was the brother she never had, and even more so when she least expected it. They went to a local diner near the Robbins household, she needed lots and lots of caffeine before dealing with that.

"So tell me, what's going on with you and Arizona? And don't lie. My sister has been a total bitch to me for no reason, she isn't here – for good reasons – but still, you're mad. What's up?"

"She's pushing me away Tony. She is treating me like – like some piece of crap intern and I am her wife! She's having second thoughts about the family, and I don't know what to do to make it better."

"Second thoughts? What's wrong? No gas in the tank?"

God that crude Robbins attitude must be hereditary.

"Sure, if you want to call it that. We've been – uh – trying. And maybe for too long. But she told me she felt like a failure. A failure Tony, what do I say to that? She refuses a donor, refuses IVT, and has been dancing around the adoption thing now for two months. It's-it's infuriating! What am I supposed to do? Be some-some fucking whipping boy until she figures it out!? It's been almost a year! I can't do this anymore!"

Tony put down his silverware, and grabbed the Latina by the forearms, "Callie, calm down. I feel like you're 10 seconds away from a Spanish rant. Okay?"

Dolefully nodding in response, "Okay, good. Now, listen. Arizona, does not fail. And when she does, it's like world war three in her world. It's just her nature. I am not agreeing with it, but it's her. You however, are not that person. You have grounded her in so many ways and made her grow up more than you can even imagine. Just be patient, and talk to her. Even if it's in piece meal, do it. It goes a lot further than you can imagine. Okay?"

"You know, I hate you."

"No you don't – you hate me now because I am right, and more awesome than my baby saving super surgeon sister. Ha!"

Callie flicked a sugar packet across the table, "Don't let Arizona know you stole her line, haha. So, tell me about Tim's new girlfriend!"

"Oh please, we all think she is a stripper!"

XXX

Beeping is good. Beeping is fantastic actually. It becomes systematically soothing after a certain point. Arizona couldn't call out when that realization actually came in her career, but it made working on terminally ill patients bearable. Nearly dead children, tolerable.

Like those are ever words that should be used together. Ever.

It has been six hours, thirty-four minutes since she arrived to the hospital. Callie was landing in Virginia now, meeting her eldest brother, which only meant that she was going to get a scolding when she arrived tomorrow. Hopefully.

However, any and all forms of hope were slipping away fast. Not only for the tiny life covered in tubing and surrounded by machines, but in her own personal life. She lost hope, the secret ingredient for any successful PEDs surgeon. The secret ingredient for any marriage, she guessed.

Only hope didn't impregnate her wife. Hope actually made her feel worse. The shell of a human she became over the last view months was completely overshadowed by unsurpassable amount of success she had recently earned in her career. Being promoted to department head, becoming certified in two highly challenging fields, and winning grants for the hospital. It didn't mean shit if her wife was sitting at home crying because she got another negative test back.

She wanted to break every one of those stupid plastic sticks. Delete that stupid fucking flower app on Callie's iPhone. She felt like the thirteen year old version of herself again. She hated herself; the constant teasing and singling out. She hated every second of being thirteen not realizing until she was older that she actually hated herself for not being normal. It wasn't until she was seventeen when she began to accept the 'abnormality' she was 'blessed' with. Blessed. What a shitty fucking word to describe a girl with a penis – but that's what her mom told her.

And she believed it. Eventually. She dug deep, so fucking deep inside her soul, her body and mind at once to reach that point. Happiness was found at the bottom of that pit that was worth seventeen years of digging. But she was happy with herself, for the first time in forever.

And now, sitting at the foot of a patient's bed on Christmas Eve, in a freezing cold room, by herself, she felt even colder than ever in her life. The life and spirit she once embraced had all been sucked out of her. It has all come out in the form of an evil, despicable monster who spent more than enough time verbally abusing her wife. For what? It's not even her fault, it's yours, but you're a coward. This is your calling Robbins, you push those closest to you the furthest away. And you're doing it now.

Her head was heavy, hands clammy, eyes laced in exhaustion. Sleep was threatening to strangle her, but she couldn't let it win. There was a tiny human, fighting for his life in front of her, she had to fight. But she felt the warmth creep up her neck, defense was futile. The beeping played a lullaby, a sick and twisted lullaby that forced her into dream land.

XXX

Callie settled into the eastern wing of the Robbins home, which had a separate den and bathroom from the entire house. Keeping busy with the Robbins and all that was going on, she lost track of time on Christmas Eve. She received a simple text from Arizona and didn't open it until several hours later.

"Getting on a redeye right now, be there for Christmas morning by 7. Love you" – A

Callie didn't bother to respond and she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the three bottles of red wine her and Barbra had polished off, the several glasses of spiked egg nog, or even the obnoxious Christmas caroling that was filling the house. She lost track of time, and didn't feel guilty for it. Her heart was hurting currently, and spending time with the family of her wife wasn't making the hurt feel better.

XXX

It was a white Christmas in Virginia, the first one in nearly a decade. The flight landed around 6AM and there she was, standing at attention in front of her parent's home by 7AM. She barely slept on the plane, she stunk of whiskey and cigarettes probably. That didn't matter. She should be happy. For the first time in six years, all of her brothers and herself would be home for the holiday.

Big whoop.

Stalling outside, she took in the cold air. The lightly falling snowflakes soon began to gather on her pea coat. Sure this was home, and it was Christmas, but it all just fucking sucked right now.

Grabbing the Samsonite roller bag she ventured to the side of the house where the den was, she knew Callie would be there. Opening the mud room door she snuck in, hoping not to wake her wife. Unpacking her toiletries, she went into the bathroom to freshen up. She looked like shit and felt like and even bigger piece of shit.

Changing into clean clothes that didn't smell like that hospital, she curled up on the pull out sofa next to her wife.

"You know, I know when you stare at me while I sleep Arizona, it's because I swear I can hear you thinking."

"He died Callie. On Christmas Eve." Her eyes were closed, one hand propped up under her head, the other stroking brunette locks. "He's gone, and I couldn't do anything about it. A family is now burying their son for Christmas. Because I failed." the tears building behind her blood shot eyes came freely flowing. She sobbed. And hard.

Callie whipped the free flowing tears as best she could, but she needed to hold her ground, she needed to get this out. "I'm sorry about Max, Arizona. But because a body rejects a new organ does not make you failure. You did everything you could. I know you won't have any part in this – don't interrupt me I am speaking. If you think you're a failure fine. But know, that because you have the ability to see your failures – even if they are as small as misspeaking to the parents of a patient, it makes you that much better of a doctor – of a human. And just because we are having trouble having a child – sure you may have a failure of an organ – fine. But that doesn't make you a failure of a wife Arizona. You know your failures, you identify them every day, and we all have failures in life if that's what you want to call it. But you are letting your life be defined by these failures Arizona. You are not doing anything to resolve it, you are not being the wife you vowed to be to me, and I will not be your abusive outlet when these things happen. Your failure in baby making is just as much as mine. Don't talk – Please. I love you Arizona. I love you so much, and there is nothing in the world that will stop that, but if you push me out of battles we should be fighting together as wives, then I don't know what else I can do. I can't fight our battle and you at the same time, it's too exhausting. Please. We can do this together." Callie was crying by the end of her speech. As was Arizona.

They both laid there, staring at one another in silence minus the sobs and sniffles.

"Callie, I-I'm sorry. I-I guess, this is just so new for me. And it's nothing I've experienced before. Now that I think of it, were both new at this. I-I just picture this beautiful family together with you, and I-I love you so much."

"Show me. Arizona Brooke, show me how much you love me. Right here, right now." Eyes blackened with a primal desire, her hands reached under flannel pajama bottoms, "Please."

Arizona felt herself harden at the touch, she locked onto plump lips, "You don't ever have to ask me that."

Feverishly, they made out like a couple of teenagers on Arizona's parents pull out sofa bed. Rolling around, losing various articles of clothing in the process. Kissing every nook and cranny of skin, nipping at sensitive areas, groping and touching one another like it was their first time.

Callie managed to hold herself to the top and slide Arizona inside of her, "Uh-yes, Arizona I-I love you, so much." She built a slow and meticulous grind, she wanted to feel every last bit of Arizona.

Arizona pushed up and was situated on top of Callie, "AH, yes Calliope, I love you so so much, UH yes." She stuck to the slow and steady pace, making sure to kiss the area between Callie's neck, collar bone down to her heaving breasts. She kissed, licked, bit, and sucked on every patch of bare skin.

They stayed like this for quite some time, ravaging one another like long lost lovers trying to rediscover themselves. Reclaim the lost body beneath or above them. There was no rush in this, no secret moves required to try and impregnate Callie, this was about rediscovery and defining their love for one another.

Present Time

She pulled into her garage and sighed at the memory of once upon a time. Oh, how poor little Sofia had no idea she was conceived on a pull out sofa.

How romantic

And how she secretly wanted to straggle her brother Tim for coming up with the time line when Sofia was born.

Total ass.

Strolling into her house, she wasn't hungry for anything but her wife and bed. All the lights were out, except for her bedroom light. Sneaking into Sofia's room, she placed a light kiss on her cheek, tucking her back under covers and propping up her Nemo stuffed animal on the side of her.

And there it was, the last and final door. The door to her room. For whatever reason she became nervous, and jittery. She knew Callie had something planned, but what it was, well that's what was making her nervous.

Opening the door into the dimly lit room, there was her wife. Laying across there bed, clad in a new deep red teddy and her 'fuck me' heels.

"Doctor, I've been waiting for you. I thought you were going to skip out on another appointment. Tisk, tisk, you make for a bad patient you know that doctor?"

Arizona's jaw was trembling, she couldn't make it work for whatever reason.

"Cat got your tongue doc? Come here, let me make you feel better." She husked out in the most sultry tone ever.

All she could do was move her feet into the direction of the bed.

There was no way she was getting any sleep tonight.

Thanks for reading oh, and please review, let me know what you think :)