A/N: So, this turned out far different than I originally planned, but I'm personally not complaining with the end result. Anyway, this is officially my first one shot, so let me know what you think and tell me if you think I should write some more.

#

"So, it's decided then. We'll meet by the river at seventeen hundred hours. Is that understood, sir?" said Riza Hawkeye. A certain sternness brimmed her voice; her words came off as more of an order than a request.

Roy Mustang, sitting behind his desk, clasped his hands in front of his face and mulled the suggested time over. He then chuckled, replying, "Understood, Lieutenant. You had better not keeping me waiting."

"Of course, sir."

With a salute, Hawkeye promptly took her leave. Those working diligently inside Colonel Roy Mustang's Central City headquarters eyed her departure. Four men in particular then leered at one another.

"Hey, did you guys see what I just saw?" whispered Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc.

Warrant Officer Vato Falman nodded. "...I still don't believe it. It can't be."

"Neither do I. Maybe we were just hearing things," stated Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda. He was snacking on a hot dog, though his hunger was the farthest thing from his mind now. "It sounds to me like the Colonel and the First Lieutenant just agreed to a date."

"A date?" echoed Sergeant Major Kain Fuery as he glanced up from his work. "Wait, you guys seriously think he was asking her out on a date?"

The other three frantically gestured for him pipe down, causing him to jump a bit. The four then checked in on Mustang. He wasn't paying them or his work any mind. Rather, he was chatting on the phone with some woman by the looks of it.

"Oh? Is that so, Nancy? Hahaha! No, I can talk! No need to worry! All my duties are being taken care of as we speak!"

"Tsk! That's because he has us doing them!" mumbled Havoc. "Maybe we were wrong about him asking the Lieutenant out on a date. He's talking to some other girl right now, right? What should we do now?"

"What do you mean? We don't have to do anything," retorted Falman.

"Agreed. Even if they are going out, it's none of our business," remarked Breda. "For our own good, I say we just stay out of it."

"Yeah. We've got enough work to finish as it is," added Fuery.

Havoc smacked his lips. "Don't any of you have any spines?!"

His outburst took Mustang away from his phone call and prompted him to scrutinize his subordinates. They whistled to draw suspicion away from themselves, and finding nothing amiss, Mustang shrugged.

"Sorry about that, Nancy! What's that? No, no! It wasn't that pesky assistant of mine this time. Her? Oh, you don't have to worry about her for now! I've sent her on a little errand for the time being, so we're free to talk all we want!"

Havoc, Falman, Breda, and Fuery huddled up to ensure their discussion stayed between them and them alone.

"He really shouldn't be using a military line like that. He'll get us all trouble," voiced Fuery, who was still peeking at Mustang from over his shoulder.

"Forget about that idiot for a sec!" said Havoc. "We can't just let a chance like this pass us up! I say we go spy on the Colonel and the Lieutenant! They said they were gonna meet by the river at 5:00 PM, right? We can make it down there before them for sure if we hurry!"

"Isn't that an invasion of their privacy? I mean, even if they are on a date, shouldn't we just leave them be?"

"Fuery's right. That, and I'm pretty sure the Colonel would charbroil us if he figured out what we were up to," said a sweating Falman. He could picture Mustang's irate features as clear as day in his mind.

"Count me out," said Breda. When Havoc whipped out a cigarette but was unable to find his lighter, Breda procured one and lit it for him. "Since we don't even know if this is a damn date in the first place, I ain't being led on some wild goose chase."

Havoc blew out a cloud of black smoke. "Yeah, yeah! You all aren't all that convincing though. I can't be the only ones whose been driven crazy over the years waiting for the Colonel or the Lieutenant to make a move on each other! Don't you find it weird they're always together yet claim not to be an item? It doesn't make any sense!"

"Their relationship, or lack thereof, is rather strange," admitted Falman.

"Exactly!"

The others were quick to remind Havoc to be quiet. At the same time, Mustang once more broke away from his call to see what all the ruckus was about. The four schemers put their heads down and made it seem as if they were hard at work. The Colonel, though raising an eyebrow, eventually lost interest again.

"T-That was close..." mumbled Fuery.

"Anyway, this whole idea is pretty goofy," stated Breda. He became nervous once the other three began to stare at him intently. "W-What?! I don't care! I really don't! Q-Quit looking at me like that!"

Even he had to acknowledge that his words were bologna. The more they spoke about Mustang and Hawkeye, the more he craved to find out what this meeting of theirs was all about too.

"F-Fine. What did you have in mind, Havoc?" he grumbled.

"Let's play the role of Cupid and ensure those two lovebirds finally hit it off!"

"But we still aren't even sure it's a date to begin with!" cried Fuery.

"D-Does it even matter at this point?!" argued Falman. "It's clear we're all going to do this, so let's just figure out how we're going to get it done!"

"Alright! That's what I like to hear!" Havoc winked. "It's decided then! We'll..."

He, alongside his accomplices, froze on the spot, sensing a dark energy hovering close-by.

"There's certainly a lot of chatter going on over here..." stated Mustang in a calm yet intimidating tone. "However, I don't see any work being done!"

Neither Havoc, Falman, Breda, nor Fuery dared to say a word. They became distressed; it appeared their plot had been uncovered before it could even come to fruition.

Other than scowling a hole into them however, Mustang simply said, "...Get back to work! I don't pay you all to gossip!"

Their boss walked back to his desk, and the four sighed in relief.

"Tsk! He's one to talk! All he does is yap away on that damn phone with all his girlfriends!" Havoc extinguished his cigarette in an ashtray. He then sighed. "Meanwhile, I haven't been able to find a girl since we all transferred here to Central..."

"Sorry to hear that. Anyway, what's the plan? How do we sneak around without the Colonel and the Lieutenant catching onto us?"

Falman's abrupt question and obvious lack of caring when it came to Havoc's plight made the latter even more depressed.

"Stealth is my specialty, so leave the details to me!" said Breda.

"I can handle the communications!" said Fuery. "I've got a van I can use to stay in the area but remain incognito!"

"Alright! I'll stay out of sight too and help Fuery here! Guess that'll leave the on scene surveillance to you, Falman," said Havoc.

"Sure. I can handle..." Falman paused. "W-Wait! Why do I have to be the one put in harm's way?! I'm always the one put in harm's way! Leave something like this to Breda here!"

"Quit your whining!" Havoc lit another stick of tobacco. "We'll make sure the Colonel doesn't spit roast you! ...We'll try anyway."

"...I'm going to die, aren't I?"

Ignoring him, Havoc proclaimed, "Alright, gentlemen! Looks like we've got a new mission on our hands! It's nothing like dealing with lunatics like Scar or the Homunculi, but it's still one we can't fail! We'll make sure the Colonel and the Lieutenant get together, even if it kills us!"

He needn't say anymore. The four were pumped and raring to go. Unfortunately, it was still just 3:00 PM. They had some waiting to do before they could execute their sinister plot. The thought of it caused them to snicker as they turned to their unsuspecting leader.

"Plans? Sorry, Nancy! I'm already meeting someone this evening!" said Mustang with a few laughs. "I'll have to make it up to you next time!"

#

At long last, 5:00 PM came. Havoc, Falman, Fuery, and Breda wasted no time in coming up with an excuse to ditch the rest of their shifts and heading to the river where Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye were allegedly going to meet.

Fuery and Havoc manned a white, unmarked van just outside of the river.

"Is everyone in position?" asked Havoc. "Me and Fuery here are ready to go!"

"Same here. I'm good to go," said Breda. Sitting on a sturdy branch in a tall tree, he used the thick leaves to hide himself from plain sight. "No sign of the targets yet."

He had spoken too soon. A black car pulled up to the river just then, one Breda recognized as belonging to none other than Colonel Roy Mustang. The man himself parked it and stepped out moments later.

"Target acquired." Breda smiled. "Looks like 'the princess' still hasn't arrived. What's this? Looks like the Colonel is still wearing his military uniform. Is this really supposed to be a date?"

"Eh? He didn't change?" Fuery scratched his head. "Havoc…?"

"I know, I know!" Havoc sighed. "Don't sweat it! He came, right? That's good enough! Falman, why are you so quiet? Aren't you in position yet?"

Falman was in position alright. Of course, that was the problem. Snarling like a rabid dog, he sat on a park bench facing the river, one that gave him a perfect vantage point of Mustang. However, he was far more distracted by what Havoc and the others had forced him to dress up as. Wearing a pretty, pink dress, greying wig, thick glasses, and a lovely sunhat, he would have come off as nothing more than a harmless, old lady to the unsuspecting eye.

"I-I hear you, Havoc!" he said through gritted teeth. "I just don't get why I had to be the one to do this! You really should've made Breda do it instead!"

"You done whining yet? Just keep feeding the birds, grandma!" replied Breda. He tried, and failed, to hold in a tirade of laughter.

"G-Goddammit! I'm gonna pay you back for this!"

"Cut the chatter!" ordered Havoc. "Breda, any sign of the Lieutenant?"

Breda scanned the area through a pair of binoculars. Other than Falman in his dress—he got another giggle out of this—and a group of girls passing Mustang by, he saw nothing worth mentioning.

"Wait! Yep, now I see her. The hawk has landed. I repeat, the hawk has landed."

Riza Hawkeye was there alright. Having gotten a lift from a cab, she climbed out of the vehicle and made her way over to Mustang. From there, the two began talking. Although Breda could read lips, his targets were too far for him to do so.

"Dammit. Hey, Falman! You're closer, right? What are they saying?"

Falman, keeping his head down, replied, "G-Give me a second! My hearing isn't what it used to be!"

"I-I think he's taking this whole 'old lady' thing a little too seriously," remarked Havoc.

Roy Mustang, a strong breeze sweeping at his blue uniform and jet black hair, faced Riza Hawkeye and warmly smiled.

"I...didn't think you would actually show," he stated. "To think I'd be so nervous talking to a woman like this. Well, I guess there's no point in beating around the bush. There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Lieutenant. It's something I've wanted to say for a long time now. I've just...never found the right opportunity to do so."

Hawkeye's eyes widened. "S-Sir..."

"S-Something's happening!" Excitement brimmed in Falman's tone. "I-I think the Colonel is finally going to do it!"

Breda nearly fell out of the tree. "Y-Yeah! I can't hear them, but I can just telling things are heating up by looking at them!"

A beaming Havoc rubbed his hands together. "You hear that, Fuery? Looks like we can start sending out with the wedding invitation!"

"Y-Yeah…!" Fuery desired to shed tears of joy.

Falman, already on the edge of his seat, almost fell off when Mustang inched closer to his assistant, who seemed paralyzed by his unwavering gaze.

"S-Sir...what are you…?" she started to ask.

Mustang grasped her shoulders firmly. "...Lieutenant. You...mean everything to me. I...can no longer imagine going on without you."

Riza's cheeks flushed with blood. "I...feel the same way, sir."

"Come on, Falman! What are they saying?! Don't leave us in suspense!" said Havoc desperately. His heart was pounding like he were the one down by the river. "Falman!"

Although hearing him, Vato Falman paid his request no mind and simply focused on hearing what the two by the waters had to say to next. Dressing up like a woman wasn't so bad, not if he got to experience a once in a lifetime event like this.

Mustang pulled Hawkeye closer, close enough to hear her hastened breathing.

"Dammit, can I get a status report or what?!" hollered Havoc.

"Let's just say things are getting hot and steamy down there!" exclaimed Breda.

A red-faced Kain Fuery stuttered, "W-Whoa! They're not messing around from the sound of it!"

"...Lieutenant." Mustang puckered his lips, tempting Hawkeye's toward his.

"...Colonel." Riza did little to resist his smell, his touch. Indeed, she longed to become one with him and lose herself within his essence, his very being.

"T-This is it!" cried Falman. "At long last!"

"Atta boy!" proclaimed Breda. "It's about damn time!"

"Ugh! This is driving me crazy!" Havoc, tossing off his headset, scrambled for the van's door. Fuery held him back however. "Hey, l-lemme go! I just need a peek! Just one peek!"

"Y-You can't, Second Lieutenant! T-The Colonel and the Lieutenant will see you!"

"D-Dammit…!"

Just as Roy and Riza would have locked lips, they stopped. Hawkeye then swiveled her head toward the massive oak tree in the distance and fired off a single round from her sidearm. The bullet missed a frightened Breda by inches, though it did startle him enough to make him fall from his hiding spot and crash into the ground headfirst.

"W-What the…?! What just happened?! Hey, Breda! Respond!" shouted Havoc after hearing his friend's radio go dead with static.

Mustang, setting his sights on the 'old woman' sitting on the bench, slipped on one of his white ignition gloves. With a loud snap, a wave of fire was thrown Falman's way. Screaming like a little girl, he managed to duck in the nick of time. His sunhat was ruined though, reduced to ash by the Colonel's wrath-fueled flames.

"W-Why did the Colonel have to go and do something like that?!" he groaned, smoldering in the dirt like a snuffed out campfire.

"W-Warrant Officer Falman's radio is dead too!" announced Fuery.

Havoc palmed his hand over his face. "Y-You've gotta be kidding me..."

"L-Looks like the gig is up, sir."

"Right." Havoc lit one more cigarette for the road. The drag he took from it was long and hard; he was under the impression it would be the last one he would ever enjoy. "...Let's just hope the Colonel doesn't cook us too bad."

As much as he wanted to run, he knew there was no escape. A man like Roy Mustang would chase him to the ends of the earth if need be.

Mustang smirked in Hawkeye's vicinity. "Well, Lieutenant, looks like your hunch wasn't so farfetched after all."

She smiled back as she put her gun away, retorting, "I had a feeling those idiots wouldn't be able to restrain themselves."

She walked over to a dazed Breda, yanking him by the collar and dragged him over to Mustang, who was glaring down at a trembling Falman.

Appearing ready to spill blood, the Colonel said, "...What's this? Why are my loyal subordinates spying on me and the Lieutenant here?"

A sadistic grin spread over his mouth.

"Oh, I see! You all were under the impression you would get a close hand look at an impassioned confession!"

He ripped the earpiece out of Falman's ear.

"Ouch! Y-You don't have to be so rough, sir!" complained his victim.

"Shut it! And as for you, Havoc, I know you're listening in! Sorry to disappoint you and Fuery, but I don't plan on confessing to anyone today!"

Havoc and Fuery grunted as their leader's blaring voice overloaded their eardrums. With haste, they switched off their radios. It was too late though. Mustang spotted the van they were in and threateningly aimed a gloved hand at it.

"W-Wait! You've got us! Just...relax there, Colonel!" said Havoc as he and Fuery stepped out of the vehicle with their hands in the air.

'Relax' wasn't in either Mustang's or Hawkeye's vocabulary at the moment. Noticing this, Havoc gulped. Whatever was in store for he and the others couldn't have been good.

"You know, taking on Scar or one of those freaky Homunculi doesn't seem so bad now..."

#

Tied up and left at their captor's mercies, Havoc, Fuery, Falman, and Breda didn't bother to resist. If they so much as moved, they were positive they would either be burned to a crisp or shot in the head.

"Tsk. Guess we can count this as mission failure," grumbled Breda.

"...Shut up," said Falman bitterly. His hair was still smoking.

"Uh...c-could you let us go already? This is kinda silly," said Fuery.

"Be quiet." Riza's tone was cold and straightforward. "What do you want to do with them, sir?"

Mustang chewed the matter over. "Well, I guess a deduction in pay and a month's suspension should do it. As much as I'd like to burn them to a crisp, I'd likely get court martialed for killing my own subordinates."

"You...don't have to sound so bummed out about it," mumbled Falman.

"Yeah, ease up, sir! It's not like we killed anyone!" declared Breda.

"Anybody got a cigarette? I'm all out," said Havoc. It was clear from his dour expression he no longer cared what happened so long as he could satisfy his growing urge to smoke.

A vein on Mustang's temple pulsated. "...Since you idiots clearly aren't taking this seriously, I guess there's only one thing left to do! I'm assigning you four an extremely dangerous mission! If you come back from it alive, I'm willing to overlook this little transgression!"

Hawkeye became somewhat unnerved. "A-Are you sure they can handle something like this, sir?"

"Oh, I'm positive! It's not like they have a choice in the matter anyway!"

No choice was right, his prisoners thought. They shuttered, not even daring to imagine what this mission entailed.

Riza stood firm as she said, "My dog, Black Hayate, has gone missing."

Havoc, Fuery, Falman, and Breda all blinked.

"What?!" they then uttered simultaneously.

"That's right," Hawkeye continued nonchalantly. "I spotted him somewhere around this area, but so far, I haven't been able to track him down. I asked the Colonel out here today so he could help me, but since he has four helpless pawns at his disposal, you all might as well help out too."

"W-Wait! That's why you were out here?!" cried Havoc. "That's it?"

"Indeed. Why? Did you think there was some other reason I'd want to meet the Colonel alone?"

Havoc didn't reply, thinking the word 'sucker' must have been plastered over his forehead in large, bold letters.

"...I can't believe this," said Falman, shaking his head.

"I told you guys it wasn't a date!" asserted Fuery.

"Screw that! I'm the one who said it first!" replied Breda.

"Who cares about that?!" snapped Havoc. "Isn't our pride shattered enough without us having to go off and find some stupid mutt?!"

He froze when Riza pointed a pistol right between his eyes.

"...Black Hayate is not a mutt."

"R-Right! Forget I said anything, Lieutenant!"

"H-How did you guys even realize we were following you?" asked Falman.

"Yeah. My preparations were flawless!" exclaimed Breda.

"And I'm pretty sure there were no communication leaks on my end!" added Fuery.

"It would have helped if you all weren't talking so loud about your little plan back in my office," said Mustang.

"Hey! You did overhear us!" said Havoc.

"Not that it would have mattered," stated Hawkeye. "You shouldn't underestimate me. I can spot an enemy sneaking up on me from miles on ahead. Even if the Colonel hadn't heard you guys plotting, I would've realized something was amiss eventually."

"And what the hell is with that disguise, Falman? I knew it was you the moment I laid eyes on you," boasted Mustang.

Falman focused his unbridled ire onto Havoc. "...You know, now I see why Barry the Chopper went crazy and started butchering people left and right."

"...You can kill me if you want, but we're still gonna have to find that dog."

The others saw Havoc a point. Thus, they resigned themselves to their fate.

"Hey, how did Black Hayate get lost in the first place?" asked Fuery.

Hawkeye, busy untying the prisoners, emptied her throat. "...Get a move on already. There's no time for questions."

"And that's an order!" added Mustang from emphasis.

"Yeah, yeah. You heard the man, boys. Let's go."

In the wake of Havoc's feeble words, he and the other conspirators picked themselves up and trudged off to do the job they were given. The river was mighty big; the search for Black Hayate could go on for hours or even days at this rate. Naturally, Mustang knew this, hence why he couldn't stop smirking at his men's future misfortunes.

"Your acting skills are commendable, sir," said Riza. "For a moment, I forgot you weren't being serious. My heart's still pounding over here."

"...Your jokes aren't funny, Lieutenant," replied a slightly blushing Mustang. "I forgot you were acting as well for a moment there. By the way, how exactly did your dog escape your watchful eyes? It doesn't sound like you to let that happen."

Riza moved closer to him before placing her arms around his neck, sending a jolt down his spine.

"The next time you come over for some 'late night briefing', sir, please make sure you lock the door behind you so certain animals don't escape," she said in a soft, sultry voice. She afterward walked to way to join in the search for her beloved pet. Mustang, meanwhile, became red enough to confuse for a ripe tomato.

"T-That woman is real piece of work..."

END