This is an old poem of mine that is deeply personal and I wrote it during a deep depression about 10 years ago. I edited it to suit Kai's needs. I think this would be an accurate portrayal of what Kai may have been feeling just before he accepted Black Dranzer, using the bitbeast's power to help fill the void and make him feel less numb. I find this poem to be just so raw. I hope you enjoy.

There is something missing from my life.
I've been not only stripped of my virginity,
But something more.
I just don't know what that something is.
Have I lost my courage?
My wisdom?
My smile?
My laugh?

Or am I just bored?

Whatever it is,
Without it I'm unhappy,
My laugh and smile have disappeared.
I wonder if I am just cold?
Is that the reason why I hardly ever feel any warmth?
Is that the reason for my emptiness?

No.

Whatever was stripped from me is the reason why cold and emptiness has filled my heart.
Along with pain,
Sorrow,
Depression,
Anger,
Hate.
What do I hate?
My life?
Boris?

No.

It's the way I deal with things.
I hate myself,
My emotional behaviour,
And the reason for that...

...Is that the thing that was taken from me?
Trust?

Perhaps, it could be the reason why I inwardly flinch whenever anyone touches me.
I tried to let someone in, but they could sense me,
The true me.
The me who is trapped inside a small dark corner,
Frightened and scared to death.

He had a glimpse of this person,
They all did,
And they cried.
And now I cannot shed any tears.

Perhaps that's the reason.
The reason for my emptiness,
The cold,
The sorrow,
The pain,
The depression,
The anger,
The hate,

The eternal suffering.

The fact that I cannot let it out,
I keep it bottled up,
Concealed within bullet-proof glass.
That's what separates me from my emotions,
In here,
In my heart,
I feel it.

I feel the burning pain,
The burden of holding it all within my chest,
It's agony.
But it's my burden to bear.

Yet still...

I hope for a light in these dark shadows of wrong doings,
I hope for that glass to break,
I know it will hurt,
But only for a short time,
Wounds can heal,
Scars fade over time.
It's waiting that hurts the most,
Waiting for everything to break,
Waiting for the unknown.

...I can't do this by myself.

Behind this cool facade,
I'm begging,
Screaming:

"Somebody help me please!
I feel so worthless,
So used!
Help me break down.
Help me scream,
Help me cry,
Help me not feel so numb!"